Starting with a Flashback (126 words)

[Ashleyne]

I'm aware that the first few paragraphs are the most important parts of the book when seeking agents and publishers. I'm not sure if my opening is strongth enough. Please, tear it to shreds for me.



CHAPTER 1

Brittany stared past her hair, at the blank TV. Her vision doubled as she tried to clear her mind, but when she closed her eyes..,

#​

..she heard the straining of metal as the bus slanted sideways. She fell from her seat and the back of her shoulders hit the ceiling, smacking breath from her lungs. She tried to scream; her eyes bulged, pressured like they might've squeezed from her sockets.

She clenched her friend, Kelly's hand, but her fingers slipped away.

She and thirty-two of her classmates were tumbling into each other, into the handrails, up and down the stairs.., tossed around like beans in a rattle. An elbow bashed her neck, making her gag and choke. A harsh orchestra of screams joined her own.

 

[Wruter]

I think you have a good, very immediate opening. It has impact, so to speak. You might have benefited from putting up the next few hundred words more than this to look at the scene more fully, though. All this is good physical action but do we find out what's going on in her head?

A few notes:

'past her hair' is slightly confusing.

No need for a comma after an ellipsis.

I think you could use a stronger word than 'slanted' e.g. lurched.

No need for a comma as well as a 'but'.

'friend, Kelly's' - no need for a comma.

I'm not sure 'might've squeezed' is in the right tense, could be 'might squeeze'.

Is that another ellipsis after 'stairs'? Not needed if so.

 

[Ashleyne]

Thanks for the comments.

I tend to focus on actions rather than exposition. I want the reader to experience what the main character experiences. Too much exposition could get in the way. I let the reader into the character's head through her actions, dialogue and internal monologue and in an event like a bus crash, there isn't much opportunity for her to think clearly.


I can delete commas from the elipseses.

Lurched is too strong a word. I want to give the impression of the bus tipping slowly.

I often have my fringe covereing an eye. I could say 'through her hair', but I'm not sure I like it as much.

I did originally use 'might'. I changed it because it sounded too much like present tense, although 'might' does flow better.
The elipses used after stairs is to indicate a pause in narrative.

 

[BDFiala]

You dive right into the action which makes me wanna read more and find out what happened to that girl. That's what a good opening is supposed to do. Mind you, I'm no expert, so perhaps you should wait for some more experienced people to offer their opinion! As far as I'm concerned, it does the trick for me

 

[Flannery]

I think you can get rid of the opening sentence. Your opening sentence should be "she heard the straining of metal..." (And recognize the "she heard" is a filter. Maybe, "The metal screamed and strained as the bus slanted sideways.") Start with the flashback, but make it a clear part of the story. Then, in the next section, you can jump into the character's present.

Incidentally, I just did this in my UF novel, started the story with the night my character's father killed his family then himself, sparing my MC. Then I moved into present day. All the feedback I've gotten says it worked out just fine. It should work fine for you too.

 

[Ashleyne]

BDFiala, thanks for the comments.

Thanks, Flannery, for the suggestions. My character has flashbacks throughout the book to indicate how hard it is for her to stop thinking about the crash. I might stick with the first sentance, but I will give your advice to delete it a lot of consideration.

I will definately be changing 'she heard the straning of metal' to 'metal strained'.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Brittany stared past her hair, at the blank TV. Her vision doubled as she tried to clear her mind, but when she closed her eyes..,

The opening paragraph is weak in that nothing is really happening, and Brittany isn't active but passive. However, if you scrub that line entirely, and jump straight into the vision, you have a situation where something is happening, and Brittany is doing something.

So quite a simple fix, that raises questions and can set up tension - even if you pull away and show this as a vision.

 

[Ashleyne]

Brian, you have me convined. Should I keep the flashback/vision italicised?

 

[Ihe]

She clenched her friend, Kelly's hand, but her fingers slipped away.

Clunky. "She clenched Kelly's hand" would suffice, without mentioning friendship. It flows better, and springs forth the question of who is Kelly and why is she singled out in the memory. You can explore her identity/relationship later on. All the reader needs in the beginning is to know that Kelly is important somehow. They don't yet need to know if she's a sister, step-mother, friend, etc. Save that for when the reader is more heavily invested in the emotional aspects of the flashback.

She fell from her seat and the back of her shoulders hit the ceiling,

This feels off/contradictory. Falling usually means falling down, not up, but then she hits the ceiling... Something like "she fell up, smashing into the ceiling" could be more interesting IMO.

I also thought the transition wasn't smooth. Either set up the present a bit more before making the jump, or get rid of it altogether and dive straight in, using other means to let the reader know it's a flashback. Also, take into account this isn't a narrator flashback. It seems like she is reliving it. If that's the case, it would work much better in present tense. It's a traumatic memory and it needs to feel more immediate. It'll also be easier this way to let the reader know it's a flashback without needing a set up sentence. Hope it helps.

 

[The Judge]

Just to be contrary, I would be a bit peeved with a book which starts with action, drawing me in, if, in a few paragraphs' time, that action is shown to be merely a memory/flashback. Is there any real difference between that and the opening-with-a-dream/nightmare sequence which is universally condemned?

If an opening para is weak because nothing happens, then one answer is to make something happen in it. Here, for instance, Ashleyne, perhaps instead of simply staring past her hair at the TV, Brittany drops a plate or walks into a door because of the flashback returning, or she simply thinks "Hell, not again" immediately before her vision doubles. That, though, does require the flashback coming on its own while her eyes are open, which might not be what you want. In that case you could perhaps play around with her being frightened of shutting her eyes or some such.

I'd agree with most of Wruter's comments as to punctuation and the like, by the way (but the "friend, Kelly's" comma is needed, but another needs to appear after her name in that case -- you're better off dropping the "friend" and the commas). I'd also suggest you drop the # sign since you're not changing scenes, you're simply showing what she's experiencing at that moment, hence the italics for it, which work, but as Ihe says, it would be better in present tense.

 

[Ashleyne]

Thanks, Ihe and Judge, you've been extremly helpful.

I've decided to open with the bus crash and use a # at the end to change the scene to her hospital room.

I've also dropped the friend and the commas. I'm keeping the but comma though.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I can't add to much of of what has already been said, but if she is going to be having a lot of flashbacks, I think you could preclude reader fatigue by hinting that this will be the case with a thought of 'Here it came again, etc...'

pH

 

[Ashleyne]

Thanks, Phyrebrat. I've been going through my novel and I've actually removed all flashbacks apart from five sentances in the last chapter, so it shouldn't be a problem. I decided that reusing the crash as a flashback could become too repetative, taking the focus away from other things.

 

[Flannery]

Just to be contrary, I would be a bit peeved with a book which starts with action, drawing me in, if, in a few paragraphs' time, that action is shown to be merely a memory/flashback. Is there any real difference between that and the opening-with-a-dream/nightmare sequence which is universally condemned?

I think there is a difference if the flashback is given enough screen time, so to speak. In the case of my UF novel, the flashback is the entire first chapter. It's almost a prologue without calling it a prologue. And the flashback has a clear beginning, middle, and end. That's important. The point where a lot of readers feel cheated is when the flashback ends in such a way that the reader feels jarred from the experience. That's why I say it should be given enough focus for it to work appropriately.

Furthermore, the flashback has to inform the character's present. If it doesn't, then the flashback serves no real purpose--again, that's why readers feel cheated. Using my own story as an example, the next time we meet the main character, it's seven years later, and he's leading a suicide prevention group--and dealing with his own past attempts at suicide, all of this because he witnessed the murder of his family and his father killing himself. There is a clear connection between the flashback and my character's present in the story.

To bring it back to this selection, and to restate the above, make sure the flashback serves a real purpose in the story and that it isn't there only to give the reader something action-oriented to "draw them in." Because if that's all it is, then yeah, as @The Judge says, readers will feel cheated.

 

[Danny McG]

No zombies?

 

[Ashleyne]

dannymgc, yes I'm afraid there are no zombies

Originally, the bus crash was info dumped and only depicted in the final chapter, so I've struggled bringing it to the beginning of the book. It's possibly the most important scene, where the main character discovers her magical powers.

Wruter and Ihe, you've helped me keep an eye out for clunkiness and word usage.

BDFiala, your compliment gave me confidence in my ability to engage.

Flannery, your comment on passive language encouraged me to find all passive words with the 'search' function and really deliberate whether they can be more active.

Judge and Phrebrat, your comments on flashbacks are enlightening. If I decide to write the flashbacks back into my novel, or if I ever write flashbacks in the future, I'll most be taking your advice on board.

I'm at the start of an editing, correcting process that could take month and every comment here has benefited me in some way (even yours, dannymcg, cos it made me laugh). Thanks a whole heap, chronners!!!

 

[Phyrebrat]

Judge and Phrebrat, your comments on flashbacks are enlightening. If I decide to write the flashbacks back into my novel, or if I ever write flashbacks in the future, I'll most be taking your advice on board.

It takes all sorts I have no problem with flashbacks, at all. In fact in my WIP I have a huge amount which are fed via different routes; eg memoirs, seances, newspaper articles etc. And when I've come across people who don't like flashbacks, I just remind myself that 1/2 of Stephen King's best book is in flashbacks (It).

pH

 

[Ashleyne]

Phyrbrat, I love Stephen King. My style is nothing like his, though I wish I could write like that.

I've just re-read It. I can't wait for the movie!!

 

[Flannery]

Flannery, your comment on passive language encouraged me to find all passive words with the 'search' function and really deliberate whether they can be more active.

I have to do this to my own manuscripts too. I filter with the best of them. lol!

And I have to go on a "that" search and destroy. It never ceases to amaze me how often I use the word "that" in some places.

 

[Martin Gill]

I think you can get rid of the opening sentence. Your opening sentence should be "she heard the straining of metal..."

I completely agree. Start with a crash, then snap her out of the vision into whatever reality she's in. Make it jarring. The first line is totally passive. The rest is a strong start.