I think the second version works better in a lot of ways, but I'm still not sure about it. I think maybe the barath'na attack is a bit obvious. We're told while John's being driven that the barath'na wouldn't want him to give testimony, and lo and behold, here they are a few paragraphs attacking him. The structure feels too simplistic. I'd prefer something with a slower build and more unease: tension rather than action. What I suggested before I think could still work, if they got caught up in a clearance but were on the outskirts rather than being under actual attack.
Again, just personal taste.
Again, just personal taste.
