Rebels' Wake chapter 1 second attempt.

[Lex E. Darion]

Over 18 months ago I posted the first chapter of my WIP. First 500+ words I got some amazing feedback and, finally, have managed to get round to revising it. Some of the previous comments mentioned that it was too simplistic and not enough emotion, so thoughts on those areas would be greatly appreciated. Any other comments/recommendations/hints would also be welcomed. Many thanks to anyone who reads it all (if you do stop reading, it would also be helpful to know why).

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Charlie brushed off the dirt that had blown over the shattered skull. Traffic noise reverberated around her pounding head; probably needed more water, always being told to drink more. Dry soil eddied in the warm breeze, making her cough. A loud rumbling noise drew her attention upwards, towards the eastern sun. Shielding her eyes, she sighed and wondered where all the people in the plane were going, whether it was for business or pleasure. Either would do her right now. Maybe some paracetamol would help. Her neck cricked and pulled her attention back to the trench. Rocking back onto her feet from her kneeling position, she admired her handiwork. Although it could be long and laborious, this was her favourite part of the job and this specimen had the potential of being a particularly interesting case. Now the planning had been done, it was time for the fun part. She moved her finds tray nearer before picking up the cranial fragments. As her fingers wrapped around the first piece she felt a jolt, and then darkness.


Haziness. Mind drifting. Fingers twitching. Sharp reduction in temperature. Hard, exposed ground changed to grass. Man-made sounds replaced with bird song, rustling leaves and feeding animals. As though she had been underwater for a long time, she needed a long intake of air. Acrid and pungent fumes burned her nose and throat. She rolled over onto all fours. A steaming cow pat smouldered a few inches from her. Bile added its fire and she evacuated her breakfast. She reached to her trouser pocket for a tissue to wipe her mouth but her fingers touched wool. No. Oh no. She was certain after her shower that morning, she had put on her black sleeveless t-shirt and khaki cargo trousers; they were almost a uniform for her. A quick glance down confirmed that her clothing had changed to a vibrant blue and yellow chequered tunic and skirt. A churning in the depths of her stomach, that had nothing to do with the recent vomit, triggered a memory. She grabbed her head. “No! No! NO! This can’t happen again! Maybe they were right after all.” It was the only thing that made sense.

A twig snapped and she jumped up, hands in a karate chop position, despite never having learned any form of martial art or self-defence. A rapid three-sixty scan of the immediate vicinity almost gave her whiplash. A handful of sheep meandered about and a cow plodded towards her. She backed away slowly, maintaining eye contact. Where the hell was she? Definitely not in St Albans anymore. Other than a strange hut in the distance, there were no other buildings, just fields and trees. A distant screech made her look across the field. Awkwardly running towards her, brandishing a large branch, a young woman with wild hair limped across the rough grass.

Charlie squealed and bolted to a thicket of trees. Her heart pounded a staccato. Who the hell was that and what was her problem? She tried to access the hazy memories deep within her subconscious. How had she got back before? Flickering images buffered in her mind and she hit the side of her head as though she were an old TV she was trying to get to work but she received nothing but static.

The woman stopped chasing her but stayed on the edge of the field, walking its perimeter. Trees on one side and a wild-woman on the other left her with limited choices. If she wondered off would she still be able to go home? Or was she supposed to go and find another way? A deep rumble echoed through the charcoal grey clouds. Distant flashes lit up the darkening sky and seconds later rain pelted down. The woman hobbled back to the hut. What was the advice on trees in a thunder storm? Hide under them or don’t? A large oak beckoned her in the wind and she leant against its trunk. Her hand reached up to remove the sodden elasticated band that kept her shoulder-length dark hair out of her eyes as she worked. It had changed to a slightly curved bone hair pin.

She slumped to the ground and hugged her knees. “I want to go home.” Tears mingled with the rain and her sobs competed with the thunder. “Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped…”

“Are you all right?” A tentative female voice called out from a distance.

Charlie looked up. The wild-looking young woman held the branch limply by her side. Close-up she seemed to be in her late teens.

“You didn’t go. First, you appeared out of nowhere and then you didn’t go. Not even when the storm came. Who are you? Why are you here and what do you want?” The branch raised to eye-height.

“Er… My name is Charlie. I don’t know where I am and I don’t want anything. Well, I want to go home but I don’t think you can help with that.”

“How did you get here? I looked up and you were there, lying in the enclosure.”

“I…I’m not too sure.” Charlie stood. Waves of dizziness threatened to return her to the ground. She leant over, head in hands, and took several long deep breaths.

“Have you banged your head? Do you need help? Ma can attend you.”

“Do you have a telephone I can use? I think I’ll need a taxi.”

“You use funny words. You’re not talking sense. I really think you need attention. I can get Kael to visit.”

The girl walked towards the hut but Charlie remained rooted to the spot. Telephone? What a stupid thing to say. If it was the same as last time, there wouldn’t be any gadgets, or cars, but it can’t happen again, can it? Tears mimicked her thoughts and overwhelmed her. The teenager doubled back and, with a hand on her elbow, guided her across the field. The rain stopped just as quickly as it had started but it remained cold, windy and dismal. Charlie wiped her eyes and tried to maintain some level of composure.

Isolda brushed the surface water off her hair. “You’re not from these parts, are you? I know everyone who lives around here and I’ve not seen you before. What did you say was your name?”

“Erm… Charlie. No, I can’t say I am from here.” Charlie internally debated whether she wanted to ask the next question. “Where is here exactly?”

“Charlie? I’ve not heard that name. You must be from Verulamium. Those Romans have strange new ways.” Charlie was surprised she hadn’t physically spat after saying ‘Romans’. “You’re not speaking in their tongue though. What are you doing here?” Her tone hardened as she repeated the question.

“I, er, I got lost and wandered into your field.” Charlie looked down at her feet and wrung her hands.

“You just appeared, you didn’t wander.”

“Do people often just appear out of thin-air? I must have walked in and tripped over and that’s when you saw me.” Romans… Romans… Mr Tanner’s history lessons filtered through her mind. “I’m an escaped slave,” she blurted out. Charlie managed a weak smile as she gulped down the lie

 

[Brian G Turner]

I can see you're trying to set the scene with the first paragraph, but I feel there's a lack of focus - what is she working on and why is it important? This is a good place to put smoking guns - not least in reference to the society that she'd going to meet.

The second paragraph moves us into the past too fast IMO. You haven't really established the character and present properly, and already just a few sentences in you're trying to establish a completely different setting. The danger is that if the reader never feels settled in the present, it may be difficult for them to accept the change into the past so fast.

I would suggest looking at how Diana Gabaldon sets things up in Outlander - the first chapters establish setting and characters that will be important for the rest of the story. Additionally, the time change scene is protracted and while inevitable challenges belief to some degree, it does create its own sense of being logical in the context of the story.

 

[Lex E. Darion]

I can see you're trying to set the scene with the first paragraph, but I feel there's a lack of focus - what is she working on and why is it important? This is a good place to put smoking guns - not least in reference to the society that she'd going to meet.

The second paragraph moves us into the past too fast IMO. You haven't really established the character and present properly, and already just a few sentences in you're trying to establish a completely different setting. The danger is that if the reader never feels settled in the present, it may be difficult for them to accept the change into the past so fast.

I would suggest looking at how Diana Gabaldon sets things up in Outlander - the first chapters establish setting and characters that will be important for the rest of the story. Additionally, the time change scene is protracted and while inevitable challenges belief to some degree, it does create its own sense of being logical in the context of the story.

Thanks for taking the time to read this I had meant to put this as one of the things I wanted people to comment on as it's about 50/50 with betas on whether more time is needed in the present first. I really struggle with this as all the advice is to 'get in late and out early.'

I have read Outlander but in that there's a long intro into Claire's 'present' as once she's in the past she stays there for the majority of the book. In mine she flips to and fro from past to present. I really don't want to have to add a whole chapter in the present as it would feel like filler and ultimately dull, but obviously something may need to be changed.

Additionally, the time change scene is protracted and while inevitable challenges belief to some degree, it does create its own sense of being logical in the context of the story.

Can you please clarify this - I can't work out if it means it works or not lol

Thanks again for your input.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I have read Outlander but in that there's a long intro into Claire's 'present' as once she's in the past she stays there for the majority of the book. In mine she flips to and fro from past to present. I really don't want to have to add a whole chapter in the present as it would feel like filler and ultimately dull, but obviously something may need to be changed.

Can you please clarify this - I can't work out if it means it works or not lol

What I mean is that the opening chapters of Outlander set up the characters and personalities of the present that will set up conflict when she's in the past - additionally, her husband's interest in the past and it's importance warm us up to it.

In short, I don't think your version works so well - I would suggest any opening chapter would be the ideal place to show us why the past setting should be so interesting in the first place, as well as set up any interesting personal conflicts.

On saying that, I'm trying to recall how Le Sprague de Camp did his timewarp in Lest Darkness Falls - I think it was quite quick - but even then I don't think his method would work so well in a modern novel.

One more point - show us more culture clash. Even de Camp raises the need to know Latin. And claiming to be an escaped slave might be the last thing anyone might want to claim to be in the Roman period.

However, that's just my personal opinion.

 

[The Judge]

Gosh, is it really 18 months?! I remember this so well.

Anyhow, as before I'm wasn't so bothered about the abrupt change, and I certainly wouldn't want an unnecessary whole chapter of filler, but another couple of paragraphs in the present wouldn't go amiss and I do agree with Brian about the lack of focus in the opening para as it stands. Unless the plane/holiday motif is important, I think it's distracting and could usefully be dropped, and the headache, while a good human touch, takes up too much room for not enough pay-off unless it's meant to be a harbinger of the time-jump, in which case it needs to be more obvious.

I'd suggest you concentrate more on the actual dig in the opening paragraph(s) and ground us in the present day that way. eg why is she digging there, what are they looking for, what time period is she working on, what is important about the skeleton, how big is the dig, how long have they been there, how successful have they been, how long have they got left? Obviously you can't dump all of that on us at the beginning, but one or two of the more interesting issues would help us, most especially those aspects which will link up to the plot of the book and whatever she will be doing in the past, ie is this a burial along a Roman road from Verulanium, or the remains of a pre-Roman village or what? As importantly, what is her role? Just a dogsbody, or one of the leaders of the dig? A student, a lecturer, a professor, a professional with an organisation? I know she's going to be jumping back and forth here, so we'll find out more later, but it's helpful to know something about her now. After all, we need to enter into her dismay and confusion at the time-jump, so give us something immediately to make us want to stay with her and sympathise.

I thought the rest of the scene was handled much better than the original version, and with one exception it was much more believable. That exception is her jumping up into the "karate chop position". I know nothing about martial arts of any kind, but to be frank that reads as if you know less than me! If she's somehow been given martial arts training without being aware of it, and it's kicking in under pressure, then obviously she can't use any technical expressions, whatever they may be, but on the other hand you've got to make it sound less... um... silly. I can't think of anything immediately save "defensive stance" but I'm sure there must be a better way to describe it. However, it's odd to say the least that having adopted this aggressive posture against a cow and a few sheep -- and both types of animal are going to be very different from what she'd be used to, surely, so she ought to mention that -- she then runs squealing when someone appears. If that karate bit can be lost without mucking up foreshadowing of the plot or whatever then I think it would be for the best if it went.

I won't do a nit-pick at this stage, since I think the extract still needs a bit of work, especially at the beginning, and also a bit of tightening thereafter, but there are some oddities that will need ironing out when you come to revise it, not least how she knows the girl's name is Isolda!

Anyhow, although it's not quite there yet, I think it's a good revised draft, and you're well on your way. Well done.

 

[Lex E. Darion]

Thanks for both of your comments and time. @The Judge It's crazy how quickly time passes isn't it!? (My original post was January 2016!)

I will extend the first paragraph and hit with more 'present' before the jump.

I obviously have a problem with the timing of giving information - the fine line between suspense/intrigue and losing readers due to not enough info is very blurry in my eyes!

My problem is that the place she goes to isn't where she is in the past - so it seems almost irrelevant to mention it in the present (but take @Brian G Turner 's point about needing a need to link between the two times). The 'interesting thing' about the skeleton would give away that it's Isolda and I didn't want to say that in the first chapter but maybe I should??

The girl/Isolda is a Native Briton not a Roman - I wouldn't recommend telling a Roman that you've escaped them

The language thing is my main sticking point - it's making me want to chuck the whole thing in the recycling bin! I had changed it to comment on the language difference but it did not work at all. It annoys me that past books (like Outlander) can get away without mentioning it - I guess I'm just going to have to make the story so good that no-one notices!! This is another Marmite type problem - some people pick up on it straight away and others don't even think about it, or care when it's mentioned to them!

The plane/holiday thing isn't absolutely necessary but I thought (wrongly) that it would foreshadow her going 'away'. The headache is a bit more crucial as the whole premise of the book is whether it's real TT or hallucinations following a TBI.

Thanks @The Judge for pointing out that she knew Isolda's name too early!!! The joys of changing things round ha ha! What were the other oddities you mentioned?

The karate chop thing was only put in as a bit of fun! No major plot point there! She jumped up and assumed the position after hearing a twig snap and not knowing where she was but fled when a screaming woman brandishing a large branch came running towards her - think I'd do the same!

Right - back to work I go

 

[tinkerdan]

I liked this and wasn't bothered much with the quick transition to the past; however it was the prose in the sentences that threw me and I had a few nits-to-pick outside of what's been said elsewhere and even in-spite; just some things for you to consider.

As her fingers wrapped around the first piece she felt a jolt, and then darkness.

Haziness. Mind drifting. Fingers twitching. Sharp reduction in temperature. Hard, exposed ground changed to grass. Man-made sounds replaced with bird song, rustling leaves and feeding animals. As though she had been underwater for a long time, she needed a long intake of air. Acrid and pungent fumes burned her nose and throat. She rolled over onto all fours.

The darkness...being as abrupt as the change brought me to think she passed out.
However the next paragraph suggest not because we start with haziness that goes to mind drifting and awareness of a sharp reduction in temperature.If it were me despite what I see you are trying to do here with these short sentences I'd try to create the same effect with more complete thoughts since it doesn't appear she blacked out. However I might have that wrong and if she did black out then there would need to be some changes, which may amount to a more immediate sense of the impact of change. Also if she didn't pass out I'm next puzzled that she rolled over onto all fours. Sounds like she might have been on her back, but she doesn't mention seeing the sky or clouds. Also if she were on her back then maybe she felt the grass beneath her; because at first I thought this was a visual until she rolled over.



Haziness. Mind drifting. Fingers twitching. Sharp reduction in temperature. Hard, exposed ground changed to grass.
It could be that the elements above are an awareness of the transition even after passing out and landing on her back. It wasn't clear to me and not sure that it's important to feel the transition as much as to get a sense of it all after arrival.

If she has passed out or blacked out and if I were doing this I'd try it this way::

Fingers twitched to a drastic change in temperature; cold. Man-made sound given over to birdsong, rustling leaves and feeding animals. Mind drifting, trying to focus. As though from depths of water, she gasped a long intake of air full of acrid, pungent fumes that burned nose and throat. She rolled over onto all fours and the expected hard, exposed ground had changed to dense grass.

But this is your piece and what you have might work if you sort out what happened in the time of 'darkness'.

 

[Bashfull]

I liked the unanswered questions, such as Charlie having been there before. It could actually be a theme if you wanted to tease it out. The brilliant Margaret Atwood does in Woman on the Edge of Time. A character from the future keeps appearing and talking to the protagonist, leaving her questioning her sanity. Atwood uses this as a comment on the treatment of patients with mental health issues. Twelve Monkeys and the Thomas Covenant Chronicles explore similar themes.

 

[The Big Peat]

I'm afraid to say I found the opening very dense and my attention wandered - so much that I kept reading paragraph 2 without really catching there had been a change and was very confused as a result.

As such I can only agree about the lack of focus in the first paragraph. There's too much going on and I think letting our introduction to this character sprawl a bit more would be a very good thing. I guess my position would fall somewhere between Brian and The Judge.

Wish I had more to say, the idea does seem quite interesting.