It's that time again... The dreaded blurb...

[Nick B]

Hi everyone, yep, it's blurb time again, and guess what? I hate it. I'm bad at it. I need help.

This is the blurb for The Last City. Try not to laugh, this is my job (sort of), and any assistance will be fantastic. Thanks in advance.

The City, built upon a wandering asteroid, the last safe haven for humanity in a star system devastated by a long ago, apocalyptic, war. A city where the rich prosper, living at the top of kilometres high towers, while the poor struggle to survive below. An age-old capitalist system, still at work. But, living on an asteroid with five million other souls is better than the alternative; struggling for survival on poisoned worlds and desolate, haunted, stations.
These are the tales of The City’s denizens, from the super-rich of the top floors, to the less pleasant, and sometimes violent lives of the lower levels. Some talk of even deeper places, in the tunnels beneath The City, where a whole different society exists.
This is The Last City.

 

[Paul Meccano]

Hi everyone, yep, it's blurb time again, and guess what? I hate it. I'm bad at it. I need help.

This is the blurb for The Last City. Try not to laugh, this is my job (sort of), and any assistance will be fantastic. Thanks in advance.

The City, built upon a wandering asteroid, the last safe haven for humanity in a star system devastated by a long ago, apocalyptic, war. A city where the rich prosper, living at the top of kilometres high towers, while the poor struggle to survive below. An age-old capitalist system, still at work. But, living on an asteroid with five million other souls is better than the alternative; struggling for survival on poisoned worlds and desolate, haunted, stations.
These are the tales of The City’s denizens, from the super-rich of the top floors, to the less pleasant, and sometimes violent lives of the lower levels. Some talk of even deeper places, in the tunnels beneath The City, where a whole different society exists.
This is The Last City.

Help in what respect Nick B?

 

[The Judge]

Nick, I won't comment on the blurb, because I'm crap at that kind of thing, though it does strike me as a bit too wordy, so I'd suggest deleting bits that aren't immediately relevant.

However, this seems to me more a Critiques request as you're asking for help and feedback, rather than a general GWD issue. I'll transfer it over.

 

[Paul Meccano]

That makes sense now.

 

[Biskit]

it does strike me as a bit too wordy

I would second that.

I've stared at it a while and tried to work out what's wrong, because it really doesn't gel for me at all. The best I can suggest is a rethink and write it in four parts. For one to three, pick a single character from the rich, the poor and the tunnels and do a snappy 2-3 sentence blurb for that character and their life, something to make a hook for the reader and show the social divisions. For the tunnels, which I assume you want to maintain an air of mystery, perhaps pick a character who is in some sense chasing the rumours.

The fourth para is then the tie-up, This is The Last City, final safe haven for humanity, built upon a wandering asteroid. Probably want more than that, but keep it short and to the point.

Also, bear in mind that although you want the blurb to hook the reader, if they're looking at it on Amazon, you need to hook the reader into taking an interest in the blurb in the first 70 words (approx). My own blurb is 150 words long, but the cut-off for the 'read more' button is at 74 words. I've not experimented, but I suspect it's a fixed number of lines and may well change with screen size, but whatever the details of the mechanism, you need to get a reader's attention quickly. That might mean putting in something like a tag-line at the start of the blurb - read here and become a millionaire sort of thing, but more subtle, and actually related to the story.

 

[Nick B]

This an anthology of 12 stories, so it's not a simple 'get a hook for the story' but I'd like it to not be 'here are some stories, hope you like em' that you see on some anthos. .

 

[Paul Meccano]

I'm finding a lack of emotion to be hindering the blurbs content. I need to feel the tear of society, the wrench that creates the venom.
I would agree with Biskit that keeping it short is helpful, especially with Amazon's 'read more' cut off, however I sometimes like a good explanatory blurb to get an idea of the depths of the story, especially if there are a few.

 

[Nick B]

Thanks for the move @The Judge my brain wasn't in gear. On the phone to amazon for ages, trying to sort a problem out....

 

[tinkerdan]

Okay; be sure to apply salt with this.

First impression.
The main character of the story is the City.

To me this sounds like you might be trying to describe the plot and possibly highlight potential uniqueness there-in and completely ignoring the story, which doesn't bode well for me as a reader because if your not telling the story in the blurb then perhaps there is no story inside or its a weak veil of a story over the framework of a plot.

My question, of course, is: What's the story? Who is the main character whose story you are telling? And why should I be interested in that?

There is no feeling here for me; so if the story is about a dark lifeless soulless city on a rock floating way off into darkness, then it probably isn't something I'm going to want to read.

Does that make any sense?

 

[Nick B]

OK, looks like a totally new angle needed. Provably going to need stating that this is an anthology of short stories set in the city.
Back to work!

 

[The Judge]

Can't you pick a character from two or three stories which show the city's breadth? eg "The City is home to five million denizens, and a thousand stories. Here are twelve of those tales in a SF anthology about the last safe haven for humanity. From Jack, an apparently thriving businessman in the thrusting towers of Billionaire's Retreat, to Freda who works in the depths of the sewers among rats and alien funguses. Neither has an easy existence, but life on a wandering asteroid is still better than trying to survive on the remains of a poisoned solar system. Or is it?" Only better than that, obviously.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It reads too distant - almost like from a text book. And there's too much information crammed in - I don't know what to focus on.

I'm looking for names, stakes, and conflicts, to give me some sense of story. Setting isn't enough, especially when you give us multiple ones.

Perhaps pick one or two stories and describe those, with the aim of "less is more"?

 

[Biskit]

I'm finding a lack of emotion to be hindering the blurbs content.

I think that hits it. Probably why I suggested picking characters and giving snippets of their stories.

Given that it's a collection of shorts, I would still suggest the 'character story' approach, but pick out two or three of the stories to illustrate the whole.

ETA - And Brian summed it up whilst I was typing.

 

[Nick B]

Yep, thanks guys, I'm working on something like that as we speak.

 

[Nick B]

Okay, with your ideas in mind, how is this?


Twelve outstanding indie authors come together to bring life to The Last City, a shared universe sci-fi anthology from Dust Publishing.

The City is the last stronghold of humanity in a star system ravaged by a long-ago war. Now, centuries after the apocalyptic conflict, the City thrives, a utopia for the rich, built on the labours of the poor.

From the home of five million souls come twelve stories of adventure, love and loss. From Tinashe Arcaid, super rich brat who thinks adventure is taking a trip to the dangerous lower levels, to Chthenia, a child ‘apprenticed’ to a scavenger who dwells in the darkest tunnels below the City. Or take a ride with Sam Nero, private investigator, dealing with gangsters on mean streets.

Life on a wandering asteroid can be hard, but it is better than the alternative – struggling to survive on poisoned worlds, or desolate, haunted stations.

Or is it? There are those who would rather take their chances elsewhere.



A list of contributing authors will follow the blurb

 

[Paul Meccano]

Adjusted a couple of bits and I did re set it for visual impact but that's not worked on the site, it was re adjusted and went to crap.
Much better. Looks great to me.

It's always a shame that on Amazon the blurb gets squished. I love the back of a real book.


Twelve outstanding indie authors come together, bringing life to

The Last City

a shared universe sci-fi anthology from Dust Publishing.

The last City, the last stronghold of humanity in a star system ravaged by a now historic war. Centuries after the apocalyptic conflict, the City now thrives, a utopia for the rich, built through the pain and labours of the poor.

From the home of five million souls come twelve stories of adventure, love and loss. Tinashe Arcaid. A super rich brat who thinks adventure is taking a trip to the dangerous lower levels. Chthenia. A child ‘apprenticed’ to a scavenger who dwells in the darkest tunnels below the City. Or take a ride with Sam Nero, private investigator, dealing with gangsters on mean streets.

Life on this wandering asteroid can be hard, but is struggling to survive on poisoned worlds, or desolate haunted stations any better

The Last City. There are those who would rather take their chances elsewhere.

​

 

[Brian G Turner]

IMO that's much better, but I'd drop the last two sections and replace them with a single summing up sentence. As you've already sold the setting you don't need to sell additional settings because that's confusing.

Maybe someting like:

Life in The City can be hard, but the alternatives can be far worse.

 

[Nick B]

Okie dokes. Thank you, you fine people.

 

[tinkerdan]

I'm in agreement with @Brian G Turner.

Though I would word it differently.

Life in the City is harsh. The alternatives are far worse.

 

[Appello]

From Jack, an apparently thriving businessman in the thrusting towers of Billionaire's Retreat.

As a complete aside, isn't it amazing how the addition of a single word, 'apparently', can totally alter the context, connotation and cadence of a sentence, giving it a whole new meaning and layers of extra depth and suggestion. Ah language, you vicious temptress