Chapter One: "Outcast" 1056 words

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Aquilonian

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From a distance the Sanctuary still looked beautiful. Its gilded spires reared high above the valley, gleaming in the sunlight of a late afternoon in early spring, clean as the mountain snows behind them. The tolling of a bell carried clear and pure over the moors. Just the one bell these days, for there were no longer men enough to toll the great carillon that a century ago had summoned hundreds of penitents to their devotions. The few dozen who were left, old men for the most part, would now be making their unhurried way toward the Hall of Prayer, hands meekly folded and heads withdrawn into their cowls. And on the mountainside behind the Sanctuary, the day’s watchman would be gazing from his marble terrace toward the unhallowed lands that stretched east of the Forbidden Mountains to the world’s edge. His fervent prayers would be holding back the dark flood tide of chaos for another hour or so, until the night’s watchman relieved him.

An aging peddler had paused awhile to hear the bells, and to let his mule graze on the withered grass the melting snows had recently uncovered. Now he sighed and shook his head as he continued trudging. He had known the place for twelve mortal generations. Neither its flourishing nor its long decline had moved him to anything but cold anger and disgust.

“What is it with humankind?” he asked the mule. “Why this frantic eagerness to fling away their lives, and all that makes life joyful? Why such craft and wealth and care squandered on a prison for the living dead?”

The beast made no reply, for he had not given her the power of speech. She was an ordinary mule, neither philosophical nor disputatious, and the peddler valued her for this lack of thought and speech as much as for the burdens she could carry, or for her sure-footedness upon the mountains trails. He had long since had enough philosophising. He had long since drunk the cup of knowledge to its bitter dregs. In a dragon-shadowed city on the Eastern Ocean he had once debated with the lizard-sage Zarzoomex, who was hatched under the light of the third moon, before the first awakening of men. He had strove with three-eyed Argol in that mighty magician’s prime, and wrested from him the seven incantations whereby the seas and continents were set in place. He had been worshipped as a God and as a demon. And he had loved once. That of all things he was now hoping to forget. The one into whose vacancy he would soon pour himself was very close. He had called him, by a last effort of his will. Some mindless shepherd, he supposed. He shaded his eyes, scanning the desolate landscape. Sunlight glinted on the boggy ground, bullrushes danced in the breeze, scrawny sheep nibbled at the coarse grass. And amongst them, moving painfully slowly but never pausing, he saw another traveller.

“So this is him,” he told the mule. “You and I will not be parting, never fear. I suppose to you one human body looks much like another, anyway. Oh Gods, I could have chosen better though! He’s too weak for a shepherd- lamed or crippled from the look of him, almost staggering at every step. Alone, not even a mule to ride. He must be heading for the Sanctuary. And clutching something to his chest- some relic saved from the wreck of his old life, perhaps? He’s slightly built for a man. But not a woman, surely? Not out here, alone?”

The peddler stood watching for about the time it takes to boil a pot of porridge, as the other traveller drew closer. At a bowshot’s distance he realised the other was indeed a woman, and down to the last dregs of her strength. She was poorly-dressed in a thin woollen robe, the hood thrown back to reveal a mane of tangled hair that would have been red-gold if she had washed it. She had no boots, just filthy rags wrapped in thick layers round her feet, like bandages. Her face was bent low toward the bundle she treasured in her arms, as if she wished to warm it with her breath. A faint mewling cry came from the bundle, and the woman stopped and reached into her robe, unlacing whatever she wore under it. She drew the bundle to her breast to suckle, taking care never to expose the child or herself. The peddler watched as she fed the child, then resumed her trudging, treading carefully, for her feet were numbed by those few minutes immobility. She was heading his way. All he had to do was to keep still and wait.

At last she stood before him, her mouth faintly quivering, as if pleading silently for some indication of his feelings or intentions. His own face had long since set into the forbidding expression of a stone effigy. Other than the few words required for buying and selling such small items as he traded, the peddler had long avoided human conversation. Humans, unlike mules, seemed always to misunderstand things, and held their misunderstandings with blind fanatic conviction, whereas mules understood nothing, and presumed nothing.

“Where do you seek?” he said at last. He spoke in the old Common Tongue, the traders’ language, still understood both east and west of the Forbidden Mountains

“Sir, if it pleases you, I seek the Holy Sanctuary of the Guardians,” the woman replied.

The peddler recognised the accent of Carizonde, a land of deep soil and long summers on the coast of the Narrow Sea. The woman’s mode of address was humble, almost servile, contrasting curiously with her clear tones and educated speech.

‘A daughter of the nobility,’ thought the peddler, ‘or at least of the richer merchant class, but she’s travelled far, and learned to abase herself along the way.’ And he knew immediately what brought her to that bleak and solitary mountain trail. “You’ve fled the world,” he said, “cast out by your own family. You seek sanctuary as a humble penitent, to give yourself up to the Guardians, for whatever menial service may be useful to them.”

“If they’ll have me,” said the woman. “And if I last that long… Is it far, sir?”

The peddler half-turned and pointed. “There,” he said.
 
Depending on how this will continue, I'd personally say there's too much information about the pedlar. It's dropped in fairly quickly that he's ancient and has had some adventures in the past - I'd personally cut all that and drip feed that information through the rest of the book.
 
I liked this. I thought at first I might be put off by the high-fantasy language, which isn't my usual taste, but the writing was good enough to avoid that. It was slower than I'm used to, and I had to adjust my expectations for that, but I would read on to find out more about the hook, which for me was:

The one into whose vacancy he would soon pour himself was very close. He had called him, by a last effort of his will.

I also thought the references to his past experiences made the world sound like it was going to be quite interesting. (So that's the opposite of @MemoryTale's advice. Aren't we helpful?)

A few nit-picks:

An aging peddler

I'd rather "The aging peddler", though I'm not sure exactly why.

He had strove

Should be "had striven" (like "had driven" rather than "had drove")

The peddler stood watching for about the time it takes to boil a pot of porridge, as the other traveller drew closer.

The effort to mark time in a non-clock way does stand out a bit and also seems unnecessary. You might do better with just "The peddler stood watching as the other traveller drew closer".

A faint mewling cry came from the bundle, and the woman stopped and reached into her robe, unlacing whatever she wore under it.

Would she really breast-fed her baby while approaching a stranger, rather than wait a few minutes till she'd passed him? Given that she's in a foreign country and can't be sure of people's reactions, it seems risky.
 
I mostly like a lot of this, not least the voice, with a couple of caveats:

1. POV use - You open by telling us that the Sanctuary looks beautiful, but as there's no associated character to make this observation, that means it's the omniscient narrator doing so. Which keeps us, as readers, distant from everything that happens - we watch, rather than experience, everything that follows. This means it's lacking in terms of emotional dimension that will help draw us in better.

2. Brevity - more specifically, the lack of it! I do like your use of language, but sometimes I really wanted you to get to the point faster. We don't need to know the peddlar's background (except how things in the now might relate from his POV), and the section about the donkey was overly long to me.

Overall, not a bad piece at all, but I think you could make this stronger by examining more carefully your choice of POV, and also cut things down a little so there's far less explaining and a better sense of movement.

2c.
 
I really liked this, too. I don't mind a slow start, though the length of that first para rather tested my patience -- the last two sentences seem candidates for trimming or even removing, perhaps -- and for my taste the overloaded detail in the 4th para about his previous adventures was just a tad too much.

I got a bit confused about the relative locations of the Sanctuary, the pedlar and the woman. From the description of the Sanctuary and the man's talking about it to the mule I assumed he was actually looking at it, and therefore facing/walking towards it, so when she appears, walking towards him, I saw her as walking away from it, so when he says she's making for it, I had to re-read to see where I'd gone wrong. No one else has mentioned it, so that might just be my sloppy reading. Nonetheless, perhaps a line about him turning his back on it after the opening para might not go amiss, especially as that would reinforce his rejection of its ideals and also link the opening better in his POV.

Re the breast feeding, it didn't worry me that she feeds the child there and then while a strange man is several hundred yards away. I think it's a relatively modern thing -- Victorian, probably -- that saw breastfeeding as something to be hidden, and in the past it would have been commonplace for women to do it in public, with no worries about exposing the breast either, though of course, wet nurses were usually employed by the wealthy. (I'm sure I've read something recently in which the male narrator refers to a woman with twins having one or the other latched onto her breast at all times. I don't think it was genre fiction, but I'm getting annoyed that I can't work out where I read it.) I've never had children so I've no idea how long the feeding would last, so I'll take your "few minutes" on trust, but if she's nearing her death, and presumably is weak from too much walking and not enough food, would she have any milk to satisfy the child? If not, all you need is the child still wailing afterwards.

I agree with HB's comment about marking time by reference to boiling porridge, especially as it's not a standard matter anyway, and you specifically refer to "few minutes" later, which makes it sound even more odd.

A few very minor nitpicks.
  • I think "flood-tide" would be better hyphenated
  • you need a long dash between "shepherd" and "lamed" not the hyphen you've used
  • "for her feet were numbed" -- unless he can read her mind, this is a lapse of his POV; "surely numbed" would reground it in his thoughts
  • it's "if it please you" not "pleases" (it's the subjunctive, but it was a stock phrase therefore no need for anyone to know grammar, they just repeated it)
  • no need for the inverted commas for the pedlar's thoughts if you're using italics to show them
  • you've used "trudging" for both of them, and though it's a wonderful word it's a bit noticeable in a relatively short section.
And, very likely my ignorance, but I always associate bulrushes with flowing water, not just boggy ground, so it might be worth checking where they grow and/or mentioning a stream/river there.

As I say, very minor things, which didn't in any way detract from my enjoyment of it. I'm very interested in seeing what happens next, and would love to see more.
 
And, very likely my ignorance, but I always associate bulrushes with flowing water, not just boggy ground,

Ignoraaaaance!!! Yes, they grow in ponds, though I'm not sure about "boggy ground", thinking about it. And "danced" feels wrong, as they're quite heavy. Ordinary rushes or sedge would fit the setting better, I think.
 
It's a good beginning, but for me, there's something slightly heavy-handed about your prose that is detracting from the story you're trying to tell. I'm not sure whether this is deliberate on your part or just an incidental style you've picked up from reading elsewhere in the genre - I know whenever I revisit Tolkien I have to stop myself from trying to mimic his style in my own writing for days afterwards - but either way, it might be worth considering whether the high-fantasy tone achieves the effect you're looking for, or whether it's simply something you've adopted without conscious thought.

Normally, I wouldn't bother nit-picking something as finicky and personal as someone's style, but there's a kernel of a great story here and the writing is otherwise polished, the characters have intrigue and there's no major POV flaws that stand out glaringly (panning description at the start notwithstanding). It seems worth digging a little deeper, and to me the formal language makes it all feel rather stiff and padded. I wonder if that isn't an opportunity missed?

I guess what I'm saying is, voice is personal, but just make sure you're choosing yours for the right reasons - because it's really yours, and not because you think it sounds how epic fantasy should sound, or because you think it gives your characters more gravitas. Because I think the success of writers such as GRRM and Abercrombie (among others) in recent decades has proven that fantasy doesn't necessarily have to sound like an Arthurian legend to be successful, nor do your characters need to speak like they have uncomfortable objects wedged up their backsides for readers to find them appealing.

Just some f̶o̶d̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶u̶m̶p̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ food for thought. :)
 
I agree with many of the above comments. There's enough mystery about the peddler's past and plans to keep me interested but it could be tightened up a bit.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is your occasional, unecessary use of passive voice and past perfect tense:

An aging peddler had paused awhile... Neither its flourishing nor its long decline had moved him...

That of all things he was now hoping to forget.

"peddler paused" "long decline moved him" "he now hoped to forget"

Small detail but it slows the pace of an already slow scene and reduces action even further. (That said, there are several spots where it is used effectively.)

Like I said, small detail.
 
I like what you have and it does keep my interest because of the mystery involved. I like the description in the opening paragraph, but wondering why you went to some much trouble writing it for it seems to have little bearing onto the story. I would suggest if you need to put in a lot of description break it up in more paragraphs this will be easier on readers eyes and they won't feel overwhelmed by such a huge paragraph.

One very good idea you have is the peddler talking to the mule. Expand on this. You can use this vehicle to give the reader more information on the peddler and the history of the world you've created. In my book a person that speaks to an animal is a real person.

The other element I like is the way you showed the peddler's intelligence by discerning where the woman came from and why.
 
I like this and I believe there is a story to be told behind it all::
However as you will find I'm a bit confused sometimes about the story and it might boil down to too many words.
From a distance the Sanctuary still looked beautiful. Its gilded spires reared high above the valley, gleaming in the sunlight of a late afternoon in early spring, clean as the mountain snows behind them. The tolling of a bell carried clear and pure over the moors. Just the one bell these days, for there were no longer men enough to toll the great carillon that a century ago had summoned hundreds of penitents to their devotions. The few dozen who were left, old men for the most part, would now be making their unhurried way toward the Hall of Prayer, hands meekly folded and heads withdrawn into their cowls. And on the mountainside behind the Sanctuary, the day’s watchman would be gazing from his marble terrace toward the unhallowed lands that stretched east of the Forbidden Mountains to the world’s edge. His fervent prayers would be holding back the dark flood tide of chaos for another hour or so, until the night’s watchman relieved him.
I'll just use the first paragraph and keep in mind I'm confused and this is just an opinion and is as easily trashed as kept for further reference.

First sentence.
From a distance the Sanctuary was beautiful.
This removes some filtering and a word tend to try to use sparingly -still. Since it is from a distance and it is specified I think you can remove 'still looked and have the same meaning.
Gilded spires reared high above the valley, gleaming of sunlight in late afternoon of early spring, clean as mountain snows behind them.

Now the more difficult part as it is a bit confusing to me.
The reason for my confusion is manifold, do these watchmen still respect what they serve--if so, then it becomes difficult to believe if there are more than one there that there would be fewer bells. They would do their best to make joyous noise and then rush to the Sanctuary together to pray. (That's just my personal thought.)However if the sentences here are meant to highlight a fallen state that cannot be captured from a distance with the eye that is fooled into seeing only beauty and is only captured by the sound, then perhaps you could encapsulate that into this description.

A single bell pealed pure and clear over the moors, dispelling illusion, and announcing the death knell of the carillon of a century ago that summoned hundreds of penitents to devotion. As though few if any survived. When in truth a dozen or so pairs of old hands prayerfully folded meek and withdrawn, making their unhurried way to the Hall of Prayer. A single watchman gazed from the marble terrace on the mountainside behind the sanctuary toward unhallowed lands stretching east of Forbidden Mountains to the worlds edge. Holding back the dark flood of chaos with his fervent prayers, until the night's watchman relieved him.

My point though is that you might want to go through this whole piece, reading aloud what you say while pondering what you meant to say, and find a more concise way of saying it.

Note::
If you use carillon; to me this brings to mind something around 1510 at the earliest, which has a mechanical system and a keyboard for ringing the bells(with minimum of 23 bells)requiring only one person and could be a bit of a problem in this description. (Is the mechanism broken?)
However my limited knowledge might exclude some lesser number of bells that are rung by rope and hand.



 
I liked it a lot.

I am undecided whether I agree with those pointing at the language/image pan at the beginning. It has a pleasing heft that feels suitable for grand myth to me without going overboard. At the same time, I think there are places where slashing the words would give you the same effect but without distracting overdescription - I probably didn't need to know that much about the monastery at that point (although if you removed the word 'still', and the implication it is an old and storied place, I just wouldn't want to know). And starting with the peddler might sharpen my interest in the place by giving more of his emotion to it. Maybe try it both ways and see which you prefer.

Two quibbles, one minor and one major.

You say there's only one bell but later the peddler is listening to bells.

The other is "He spoke in the old Common Tongue, the traders’ language". That's just not how people refer to languages; its a complete D&D fantasy-ism. And while maybe in your road there's a lingua franca now known as the Common Tongue, surely the old and learned peddler would know where the language originated from and its actual name.
 
Well thanks to everyone for all this feedback! It's all been very useful, including one or two comments that annoyed me at first but which I later decided I agreed with. I'm amending several minor details as suggested. But the breast-feeding stays in, for the reason @The Judge stated- this is a pre-modern society so breast-feeding is universal and unremarkable and the breast is therefore not so sexualised as in modern English-speaking cultures, besides which, I did say she is "taking care never to expose the child or herself," though that's mainly due to the cold!
I decided the initial dialogue between the peddler and the woman did sound a bit stilted- in fact my characters don't normally speak so formally, but anyway I've found a way for them to speak more informally as it's so early in the book, don;t want prospective readers to think they're going to have to plough through a lot of turgid medieval verbiage.

you need a long dash between "shepherd" and "lamed" not the hyphen you've used
Do you mean an "em dash?" If so then I'm going to avoid this as it's a bit of a fag to keep inputting it as it's not on my keyboard.

Anyway I've rewritten that all-important first few paras as follows:

High in the Forbidden Mountains, a peddler had paused to watch the sunlight glinting on an ancient sanctuary’s gilded spires, and to listen to the tolling of the sanctuary’s bell, carried clear and pure over the moors. It was a late afternoon in early spring.

“It still looks beautiful, doesn’t it?” he murmured, “from a distance, anyway.”

His old mule did not look up, but continued nibbling at the withered grass the melting snows had recently uncovered. She never wasted an opportunity to feed.

“They’ll be gathering for their evening devotions. They can only toll the one bell now… They must be down to their last few able-bodied men.”

He could remember when a score of bells had summoned hundreds of penitents to their devotions. But that had been a century ago. The Sanctuary’s few remaining inmates would now be making their unhurried way toward the Hall of Prayer, hands meekly folded and heads withdrawn into their cowls. High on the mountainside above the Hall the day’s watchman would be gazing from his terrace toward the unhallowed lands that stretched east of the Forbidden Mountains to the world’s edge. In an hour or so the night’s watchman would relieve him. One man at a time they held back the flood-tide of chaos from breaking in upon the heedless world.

“This is where we are to meet,” said the peddler. “I can feel it. And I feel him too, the one I called, though I can’t yet see him. He’s very close.”

Talking to his mule was a habit developed over years of solitary wandering. He did not of course expect her to reply, for he had not given her the power of speech. It was a month since his last conversation with a human being, a year since his last miracle, a thousand years since he had last been worshipped, or had loved. The pain of that love could still surprise him sometimes. It was that, above all, that he was now intending to forget.
 
On the emdash:
In many of the software you put two hyphens and no spaces between the words and the software assumes and inputs an emdash after you put in the space after the final word. For in here you have to just put two--hyphens and the reader infers emdash. Or hunt for the code necessary; which for me is just too much to think about.

That much said in the instance cited::
He’s too weak for a shepherd- lamed or crippled from the look of him, almost staggering at every step.

It would be either.
He’s too weak for a shepherd, lamed or crippled from the look of him, almost staggering at every step.
or
He’s too weak for a shepherd--lamed or crippled from the look of him--almost staggering at every step.

This might be a matter of style; however my editors always lean this way when regarding Emdashes in this context.
 
IMO, much improved! We still get the sense of the scene and what's going on but it moves straight into the mysterious meeting/summoning. I think there's room for some of your original descriptions (I like "She was an ordinary mule, neither philosophical...for the burdens she could carry.") but it reads much better for me now.
 
Much, much better. :)

My personal preference would be to have a close third from the peddlar, so it's more immediate, ie:

[Peddler's name] paused in the Forbidden Mountains to watch the sunlight glinting on an ancient sanctuary’s gilded spires

The reason being is that we're no longer looking at him, but standing with him. A name is more personal, whereas an occupation is just a tell. However, POV use is very much a personal choice. :)
 
@Brian G Turner I know what you mean but there's reasons why I didn't name the peddler. Firstly, everyone just knows him as "the peddler", he's mysterious and keeps himself to himself, avoids folk who ask too many questions. Secondly, he's actually a ten thousand year old wizard/God-Emperor who vanished into legend about a thousand years ago, in that role he did have a name which is known all over the world but folks are afraid to say it out loud. Thirdly, he's going to physically die on the next page, while continuing his existence under a different name in the body of the woman's baby. So I didn't want too many names at this stage.

In fact I might just say

"High in the Forbidden Mountains, a peddler whose name nobody remembered had paused to watch the sunlight glinting..."

But maybe I've tinkered enough. I do have another 60-odd chapters left to edit!
 
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Um... I'm going to be contrary. There's always one, isn't there? Sorry. :(

I actually preferred the original opening, which to me only needed a few tweaks. I liked the style and voice, which for me was memorable and distinctive, and I could see the Sanctuary clearly -- there was a real sense of place and presence with that first paragraph. The second version, by comparison, is for me a bit too ordinary, antiseptically clean somehow, and lacking character -- anyone could write that opening, making it for me a bit ho-hum. I dare say if I hadn't read the original I'd have liked it well enough, but it doesn't grip me in quite the same way (and that "It was a late afternoon in early spring" I find a real turn-off so I'd urge you to rethink that if you keep this second version).

Overall, I think it's a question of voice, and the original has that in spades for me, but it depends how you write the rest of the story as to which fits better.


Re the long dash, it's the en-dash I think I mean (I confuse them a bit) here on Chrons they don't come out in ordinary typing, so I use this -- instead but when I copy and paste this is what I mean – not the longest of dashes which is usually attached to the preceding and following word, but one that’s longer than a hyphen and separate. It’s not my keyboard either, but it comes up automatically for me if I hit space after a word, then the hyphen and space again and a new word.
 
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