Argo's Fall - Attempt #3

[EJDeBrun]

I'm throwing my hat back into the game! Really looking to see how people react to the character introductions because I really cannot, for the sake of the entire story, cut anyone out, but I did try to make them... more memorable and distinguishable and would like to see if that helps. (what a runon sentence that was.)

So please chime in! Thanks in advance!

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Director Lee: Dr. Park, I would like to start off by thanking you for agreeing to this review so soon after your return from Kepler 48.3. As I’m sure you are aware, the Council and I feel we need to clarify several critical details surrounding the Argo I mission as quickly as possible, both for the scientific community on this colony as well as for those waiting on Earth.

Dr. Park: I completely understand your concerns, Director, members of the EPA, and am more than happy to address any and all your questions.

- Argo I Mission Review, 5th Exploration Program Administration Council, IIEF Odyssey. 5 (2285 C.E.) (Testimony of Dr. Alexander Min-jong Park).

Alec’s neck was stiff from the hours of sitting with his back hunched and his eyes staring at the real-time footage streaming from the Argo’s outboard cameras. Trained downward, they showed four different views of Kepler 48.3’s endless ocean and Alec had to constantly flit from one feed to the next in order to spot the creatures swimming below.

The effort was worth it. He had twenty-four individual sightings, including three more unidentified species, and he was sure he would find more once he reviewed the recordings.

A sudden white splash caught his attention and Alec quickly honed in on the scene. Flashes of silver were thrashing to the surface, chased by several large shadows. This was why the IIEF Odyssey left Earth’s orbit, he thought as he watched the larger creatures used their long limbs to snap up the smaller. Not just to survey habitable planets but also to discover what other life existed among the cosmos.

A saga later and the feast was over, leaving nothing but a swirl of water as the predators disappeared back into the depths. Enervated by their departure, Alec slumped back into his chair and felt a sharp pinch between his shoulder blades. Days were long on Kepler 48.3 and the twenty-hour work shifts were slowly taking their toll. Reaching up to stretch, Alec gazed past the rest of the crew busy with their own tasks and stared idly out the bridge windows. What had been blue sky was now a mix of red and gold that highlighted the planet’s stark white ring rising out from purple clouds below.

“Okay, crew, it’s getting late,” Hiroshi, the mission’s commander, announced from the pilot seat. “Time to pack up.”

Behind him several of the crew’s heads popped up from their cramped workstations. Packed so close together, they looked like parts of the surrounding machinery.

“Oh, thank God,” Gus yawned with his mouth wide open. “I’m hungry.”

Alec grinned at the surgeon’s regular complaint. “Ate all your rations already?”

“What?” asked Gus. “Intense concentration leads to an increased metabolic need for calorie intake.” He paused and looked at the empty food pouches strewn around his desk. “And yes. Yes I did.”

Alec snorted and tilted his head towards galley past the bridge door. “Then why don’t you go catch something.”

Gus wrinkled his nose in distaste. “No way,” he said. “Can’t stand fish.”

“They’re not fish,” Alec corrected automatically.

“Dude, they’re from an ocean planet,” Gus said with a heavy emphasis on the last two words. “They look like fish, swim like fish. They’re fish.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Gus, we are 490 lightyears away from Earth,” he said. “They are not fish.”

“They’re close enough for me.”

“Will you two stop?” Sam asked in an exacerbated voice. “Some of us are still finishing work.”

“Here,” another of the crew, Don, said from across the aisle. He threw a silver pouch to Gus. It bounced off the surgeon’s chest into his lap. “Eat this.”

“Oo, nuts!” Gus said brightly and ripped the package open. “Thanks Don.”

“It wasn’t for you,” the engineer replied.

Sam shot him a grateful look. “Thanks, Don.”

“You’re welcome,” he nodded before turning back to his monitor.

“Seriously you two,” Gus said around a mouthful of almonds. “Aren’t you tired?”

“No,” Don said without moving. “I'm fine, especially since I stole your coffee ration this morning.”

“It was you!” Pieces of almonds sputtered out of Gus’s mouth. “I was wondering who took that!”

Don jutted his chin towards the packet in Gus’s hand. “I just paid you back,” he said. “Besides I needed the caffeine so I can focus on keeping the Argo running, or do you want it to break down on our way home?”

“Fine.” Gus popped another nut into his mouth. “but you owe me a cup of joe when we get to camp.” He spun his seat to face the frazzled Sam. “What about you, Sam? What’s keeping you at it?”

“Leave me alone,” she said while rubbing her tired eyes with the back of her hands. “I’m trying to finish analyzing all these bloody aerial readings.”

Her frustration surprised Alec. “I thought the AI took care of that.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah, but the measurements are coming back erratic so someone has to check them over manually.”

“Oh.” Alec leaned over to read the stream of numbers blinking across her screen. “Anything I can do to help?”

Sam sighed. “No.” She gave him a small smile. “But thanks for the offer, it’s just taking longer than I expected because of the weather variables.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Gus paused for dramatic effect. “That’s how the wind blows!”

Everyone but Martha groaned.

“Seriously, Martha?” Alec asked the snickering chemist. “You thought that was funny?”

“What?” she asked. “I like puns.”

“Okay, okay, everyone, settle down,” Hiroshi called over the noise. “And get started on shut down procedures before Gus says something else-”

“Hey!” exclaimed Gus. “I resent that.”

Hiroshi ignored the interruption. “To derail us,” he finished.

“Yes, Commander,” Alec joined the chuckling chorus before turning back to his screen. His eyes were immediately arrested by a line of sharp shapes cutting across his screen. Skin tingling, he widened the camera’s focus and jerked his head back as another black band came into view.

“Commander,” he called. “We’ve got indigenous watercraft sailing in a V-pattern below us.”

 

[The Judge]

I think this is the kind of thing that could work on the screen where we could see the crew, who would all look and sound very different (though even then it might need trimming), but here on the page on first read I found it confusing and a little exhausting, not helped by the fact it's practically all dialogue once Hiroshi speaks.

Even if you need all the characters on this vessel now, I really don't think you need to introduce them all to us like this. I'd suggest that at most you have only two characters other than Alec named and talking with just a indication that the other 3 or 4 are still busy, heads bent over their consoles/monitors as they finish work or something of the kind. Then bring them in one at a time as and when needed for plot purposes -- until then keep them as an unidentified mass working in the background. That way we know there are others and won't be surprised when they pop up as needed, but we won't be overwhelmed with them all appearing at once in this rapid back and forth conversation which makes us dizzy.

Despite my comments, I do think this is a much better place to start than your original version with him waking up on that slab, and the writing itself is fine, so if you can sort out this too-many-people issue, this is definitely the way to go.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Director Lee: Dr. Park, I would like to start off by thanking you for agreeing to this review so soon after your return from Kepler 48.3. As I’m sure you are aware, the Council and I feel we need to clarify several critical details surrounding the Argo I mission as quickly as possible, both for the scientific community on this colony as well as for those waiting on Earth.​

Dr. Park: I completely understand your concerns, Director, members of the EPA, and am more than happy to address any and all your questions.

- Argo I Mission Review, 5th Exploration Program Administration Council, IIEF Odyssey. 5 (2285 C.E.) (Testimony of Dr. Alexander Min-jong Park).
^ I'd ditch all this. All it does is prolong the time before the story actually starts.

Alec’s neck was stiff from the hours of sitting with his back hunched and his eyes - would suggest cutting this to make your opening line snappier staring at the real-time footage streaming from the Argo’s outboard cameras. Trained downward, they showed four different views of Kepler 48.3’s endless ocean and Alec had to constantly flit from one feed to the next in order to spot the creatures swimming below. Good, he's active...

The effort was worth it. He had twenty-four individual sightings, including three more unidentified species, and he was sure he would find more once he reviewed the recordings. ...and interesting in what he's seeing.

A sudden white splash caught his attention and Alec quickly honed in on the scene. Flashes of silver were thrashing to the surface, chased by several large shadows. This was why the IIEF Odyssey left Earth’s orbit, he thought as he watched the larger creatures used their long limbs to snap up the smaller. Not just to survey habitable planets but also to discover what other life existed among the cosmos.
This starts off fine and then becomes a little too objective - the last line especially takes this into an infodump. Also, Alec shouldn't just "watch" but have a real feeling of excitement we can share.

A saga later and the feast was over, leaving nothing but a swirl of water as the predators disappeared back into the depths. Enervated by their departure, Alec slumped back into his chair and felt a sharp pinch between his shoulder blades. Days were long on Kepler 48.3 and the twenty-hour work shifts were slowly taking their toll. Reaching up to stretch, Alec gazed past the rest of the crew busy with their own tasks and stared idly out the bridge windows. What had been blue sky was now a mix of red and gold that highlighted the planet’s stark white ring rising out from purple clouds below.
You started off with Alec feeling excited, but that disappeared in the last paragraph and remains too deteched here. You're slipping away from the character into infodump again, when really we need to feel a real sense of accomplishment from Alec.

“Okay, crew, it’s getting late,” Hiroshi, the mission’s commander, announced from the pilot seat. “Time to pack up.”

Behind him several of the crew’s heads popped up from their cramped workstations. Packed so close together, they looked like parts of the surrounding machinery.

“Oh, thank God,” Gus yawned with his mouth wide open. “I’m hungry.”

Alec grinned at the surgeon’s regular complaint. “Ate all your rations already?”

“What?” asked Gus. “Intense concentration leads to an increased metabolic need for calorie intake.” He paused and looked at the empty food pouches strewn around his desk. “And yes. Yes I did.”

Alec snorted and tilted his head towards galley past the bridge door. “Then why don’t you go catch something.”

Gus wrinkled his nose in distaste. “No way,” he said. “Can’t stand fish.”

“They’re not fish,” Alec corrected automatically.

“Dude, they’re from an ocean planet,” Gus said with a heavy emphasis on the last two words. “They look like fish, swim like fish. They’re fish.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Gus, we are 490 lightyears away from Earth,” he said. “They are not fish.”

“They’re close enough for me.”

“Will you two stop?” Sam asked in an exacerbated voice. “Some of us are still finishing work.”

“Here,” another of the crew, Don, said from across the aisle. He threw a silver pouch to Gus. It bounced off the surgeon’s chest into his lap. “Eat this.”

“Oo, nuts!” Gus said brightly and ripped the package open. “Thanks Don.”

“It wasn’t for you,” the engineer replied.

Sam shot him a grateful look. “Thanks, Don.”

“You’re welcome,” he nodded before turning back to his monitor.

“Seriously you two,” Gus said around a mouthful of almonds. “Aren’t you tired?”

“No,” Don said without moving. “I'm fine, especially since I stole your coffee ration this morning.”

“It was you!” Pieces of almonds sputtered out of Gus’s mouth. “I was wondering who took that!”

Don jutted his chin towards the packet in Gus’s hand. “I just paid you back,” he said. “Besides I needed the caffeine so I can focus on keeping the Argo running, or do you want it to break down on our way home?”

“Fine.” Gus popped another nut into his mouth. “but you owe me a cup of joe when we get to camp.” He spun his seat to face the frazzled Sam. “What about you, Sam? What’s keeping you at it?”

“Leave me alone,” she said while rubbing her tired eyes with the back of her hands. “I’m trying to finish analyzing all these bloody aerial readings.”

Her frustration surprised Alec. “I thought the AI took care of that.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah, but the measurements are coming back erratic so someone has to check them over manually.”

“Oh.” Alec leaned over to read the stream of numbers blinking across her screen. “Anything I can do to help?”

Sam sighed. “No.” She gave him a small smile. “But thanks for the offer, it’s just taking longer than I expected because of the weather variables.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Gus paused for dramatic effect. “That’s how the wind blows!”

Everyone but Martha groaned.

“Seriously, Martha?” Alec asked the snickering chemist. “You thought that was funny?”

“What?” she asked. “I like puns.”

“Okay, okay, everyone, settle down,” Hiroshi called over the noise. “And get started on shut down procedures before Gus says something else-”

“Hey!” exclaimed Gus. “I resent that.”

Hiroshi ignored the interruption. “To derail us,” he finished.

“Yes, Commander,” Alec joined the chuckling chorus before turning back to his screen. His eyes were immediately arrested by a line of sharp shapes cutting across his screen. Skin tingling, he widened the camera’s focus and jerked his head back as another black band came into view.

“Commander,” he called. “We’ve got indigenous watercraft sailing in a V-pattern below us.”
^ ALL this dialogue is too much - you forget Alec's POV and end up in chatter. You need to seriously condense this only to the most important bits of information. Remember, the trick of good dialogue isn't to replicate real-life talking, but give an impression that it has occurred. It is a hard listen to learn, though.


So, overall: you open much better - there's a sense of character - then the character simply gets tired and begins chatting. Find a way to summarize or simply relate any exchange that isn't necessary to relate word for word to the reader, and ensure you keep your character's *emotional state* at the centre of it. For example, what has he witnessed that excited him at the start, and how did that relate to other observations, why are all these important, etc. DON'T just tell us the answer, but just give us the impression of it being important to Alec.

2c.

 

[EJDeBrun]

I think this is the kind of thing that could work on the screen where we could see the crew, who would all look and sound very different (though even then it might need trimming), but here on the page on first read I found it confusing and a little exhausting, not helped by the fact it's practically all dialogue once Hiroshi speaks.

Even if you need all the characters on this vessel now, I really don't think you need to introduce them all to us like this. I'd suggest that at most you have only two characters other than Alec named and talking with just a indication that the other 3 or 4 are still busy, heads bent over their consoles/monitors as they finish work or something of the kind. Then bring them in one at a time as and when needed for plot purposes -- until then keep them as an unidentified mass working in the background. That way we know there are others and won't be surprised when they pop up as needed, but we won't be overwhelmed with them all appearing at once in this rapid back and forth conversation which makes us dizzy.

Despite my comments, I do think this is a much better place to start than your original version with him waking up on that slab, and the writing itself is fine, so if you can sort out this too-many-people issue, this is definitely the way to go.

Thanks TJ. Given your comments can I run the scenario by you to see what you'd think would help? Especially since you read the previous version.

So at the end of this section the shuttle crashes (sorry to ruin for people ). After that characters come in and out of the story in drips and drabs until we get reunited again.

That being said, I think it's slightly strange (and you're free to contradict me here) not to have everyone in the scene before it crashes.

But here's the question. So after this part of the scene, we have the sighting of the native ships. Would it be doable, nay, wiser, to introduce the other 2 characters (let's pick Martha and Don) in that section? I feel we might lose a little bit in terms of "fun" personalities before the crash.

I hope this isn't too much of an ask, but any feedback would be appreciated.

And thank you for noting the improvement. It's nice hear there's improvement! (especially on the writing)

 

[EJDeBrun]

Director Lee: Dr. Park, I would like to start off by thanking you for agreeing to this review so soon after your return from Kepler 48.3. As I’m sure you are aware, the Council and I feel we need to clarify several critical details surrounding the Argo I mission as quickly as possible, both for the scientific community on this colony as well as for those waiting on Earth.​

Dr. Park: I completely understand your concerns, Director, members of the EPA, and am more than happy to address any and all your questions.

- Argo I Mission Review, 5th Exploration Program Administration Council, IIEF Odyssey. 5 (2285 C.E.) (Testimony of Dr. Alexander Min-jong Park).
^ I'd ditch all this. All it does is prolong the time before the story actually starts.

Alec’s neck was stiff from the hours of sitting with his back hunched and his eyes - would suggest cutting this to make your opening line snappier staring at the real-time footage streaming from the Argo’s outboard cameras. Trained downward, they showed four different views of Kepler 48.3’s endless ocean and Alec had to constantly flit from one feed to the next in order to spot the creatures swimming below. Good, he's active...

The effort was worth it. He had twenty-four individual sightings, including three more unidentified species, and he was sure he would find more once he reviewed the recordings. ...and interesting in what he's seeing.

A sudden white splash caught his attention and Alec quickly honed in on the scene. Flashes of silver were thrashing to the surface, chased by several large shadows. This was why the IIEF Odyssey left Earth’s orbit, he thought as he watched the larger creatures used their long limbs to snap up the smaller. Not just to survey habitable planets but also to discover what other life existed among the cosmos.
This starts off fine and then becomes a little too objective - the last line especially takes this into an infodump. Also, Alec shouldn't just "watch" but have a real feeling of excitement we can share.

A saga later and the feast was over, leaving nothing but a swirl of water as the predators disappeared back into the depths. Enervated by their departure, Alec slumped back into his chair and felt a sharp pinch between his shoulder blades. Days were long on Kepler 48.3 and the twenty-hour work shifts were slowly taking their toll. Reaching up to stretch, Alec gazed past the rest of the crew busy with their own tasks and stared idly out the bridge windows. What had been blue sky was now a mix of red and gold that highlighted the planet’s stark white ring rising out from purple clouds below.
You started off with Alec feeling excited, but that disappeared in the last paragraph and remains too deteched here. You're slipping away from the character into infodump again, when really we need to feel a real sense of accomplishment from Alec.

“Okay, crew, it’s getting late,” Hiroshi, the mission’s commander, announced from the pilot seat. “Time to pack up.”

Behind him several of the crew’s heads popped up from their cramped workstations. Packed so close together, they looked like parts of the surrounding machinery.

“Oh, thank God,” Gus yawned with his mouth wide open. “I’m hungry.”

Alec grinned at the surgeon’s regular complaint. “Ate all your rations already?”

“What?” asked Gus. “Intense concentration leads to an increased metabolic need for calorie intake.” He paused and looked at the empty food pouches strewn around his desk. “And yes. Yes I did.”

Alec snorted and tilted his head towards galley past the bridge door. “Then why don’t you go catch something.”

Gus wrinkled his nose in distaste. “No way,” he said. “Can’t stand fish.”

“They’re not fish,” Alec corrected automatically.

“Dude, they’re from an ocean planet,” Gus said with a heavy emphasis on the last two words. “They look like fish, swim like fish. They’re fish.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Gus, we are 490 lightyears away from Earth,” he said. “They are not fish.”

“They’re close enough for me.”

“Will you two stop?” Sam asked in an exacerbated voice. “Some of us are still finishing work.”

“Here,” another of the crew, Don, said from across the aisle. He threw a silver pouch to Gus. It bounced off the surgeon’s chest into his lap. “Eat this.”

“Oo, nuts!” Gus said brightly and ripped the package open. “Thanks Don.”

“It wasn’t for you,” the engineer replied.

Sam shot him a grateful look. “Thanks, Don.”

“You’re welcome,” he nodded before turning back to his monitor.

“Seriously you two,” Gus said around a mouthful of almonds. “Aren’t you tired?”

“No,” Don said without moving. “I'm fine, especially since I stole your coffee ration this morning.”

“It was you!” Pieces of almonds sputtered out of Gus’s mouth. “I was wondering who took that!”

Don jutted his chin towards the packet in Gus’s hand. “I just paid you back,” he said. “Besides I needed the caffeine so I can focus on keeping the Argo running, or do you want it to break down on our way home?”

“Fine.” Gus popped another nut into his mouth. “but you owe me a cup of joe when we get to camp.” He spun his seat to face the frazzled Sam. “What about you, Sam? What’s keeping you at it?”

“Leave me alone,” she said while rubbing her tired eyes with the back of her hands. “I’m trying to finish analyzing all these bloody aerial readings.”

Her frustration surprised Alec. “I thought the AI took care of that.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah, but the measurements are coming back erratic so someone has to check them over manually.”

“Oh.” Alec leaned over to read the stream of numbers blinking across her screen. “Anything I can do to help?”

Sam sighed. “No.” She gave him a small smile. “But thanks for the offer, it’s just taking longer than I expected because of the weather variables.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Gus paused for dramatic effect. “That’s how the wind blows!”

Everyone but Martha groaned.

“Seriously, Martha?” Alec asked the snickering chemist. “You thought that was funny?”

“What?” she asked. “I like puns.”

“Okay, okay, everyone, settle down,” Hiroshi called over the noise. “And get started on shut down procedures before Gus says something else-”

“Hey!” exclaimed Gus. “I resent that.”

Hiroshi ignored the interruption. “To derail us,” he finished.

“Yes, Commander,” Alec joined the chuckling chorus before turning back to his screen. His eyes were immediately arrested by a line of sharp shapes cutting across his screen. Skin tingling, he widened the camera’s focus and jerked his head back as another black band came into view.

“Commander,” he called. “We’ve got indigenous watercraft sailing in a V-pattern below us.”
^ ALL this dialogue is too much - you forget Alec's POV and end up in chatter. You need to seriously condense this only to the most important bits of information. Remember, the trick of good dialogue isn't to replicate real-life talking, but give an impression that it has occurred. It is a hard listen to learn, though.


So, overall: you open much better - there's a sense of character - then the character simply gets tired and begins chatting. Find a way to summarize or simply relate any exchange that isn't necessary to relate word for word to the reader, and ensure you keep your character's *emotional state* at the centre of it. For example, what has he witnessed that excited him at the start, and how did that relate to other observations, why are all these important, etc. DON'T just tell us the answer, but just give us the impression of it being important to Alec.

2c.

Thanks for the notes. i'm really struggling with these character bits. Query: Another option is to go straight from the opening paragraphs straight into the alien ships. Opinion?

 

[EJDeBrun]

Okay, ya'll, i'm going to rework this a little bit and shorten things up. We'll see how our crew responds.

 

[The Judge]

I think it's slightly strange (and you're free to contradict me here) not to have everyone in the scene before it crashes.

I think it would be strange if they weren't mentioned at all, but if you can somehow lump the others together -- eg "all three scientists were still engrossed" -- it's not as bad since we know they're there, we've just not got their names yet. Actually, it does occur to me that you might get away with something like "Gus and Sam bickered noisily in the corner, much to the annoyance of Martha who was still doing something or other" which gets the non-speakers named but still doesn't intrude them into the scene too much.

So after this part of the scene, we have the sighting of the native ships. Would it be doable, nay, wiser, to introduce the other 2 characters (let's pick Martha and Don) in that section?

Certainly doable, and much better to my mind than introducing them here. Whether it would still be too much within the context of the overall scene is hard to judge until we see it. Try it and see.

I feel we might lose a little bit in terms of "fun" personalities before the crash.

Do we need to know they have "fun" personalities? If you want to show what a happy ship this is, then a line like "Gus and Martha were laughing over another of her blue jokes, while Sam was again pretending -- unsuccessfully -- that she'd not understood the punchline" gets it out there. Yes, it's all telling not showing, but it's also only 25 words not 250 and we can quickly move to what's important. Alternatively, give the punchline of a joke -- not the lead up to it -- and have them all laughing, which is quite enough.

I think the problem is you want to show all these people and make them individuals by painting them in glorious Technicolor, but you simply don't have the time and space to do it. Alec is your star here, so he needs to be front and centre. Also give colour to one or two of the more important of the others, but keep the rest of them in background monochrome for the moment, only colourising them when they step into the spotlight for their cameo. By colouring them all in, you're taking attention away from where it's needed.

That help?

 

[EJDeBrun]

I think it would be strange if they weren't mentioned at all, but if you can somehow lump the others together -- eg "all three scientists were still engrossed" -- it's not as bad since we know they're there, we've just not got their names yet. Actually, it does occur to me that you might get away with something like "Gus and Sam bickered noisily in the corner, much to the annoyance of Martha who was still doing something or other" which gets the non-speakers named but still doesn't intrude them into the scene too much.

Certainly doable, and much better to my mind than introducing them here. Whether it would still be too much within the context of the overall scene is hard to judge until we see it. Try it and see.

Do we need to know they have "fun" personalities? If you want to show what a happy ship this is, then a line like "Gus and Martha were laughing over another of her blue jokes, while Sam was again pretending -- unsuccessfully -- that she'd not understood the punchline" gets it out there. Yes, it's all telling not showing, but it's also only 25 words not 250 and we can quickly move to what's important. Alternatively, give the punchline of a joke -- not the lead up to it -- and have them all laughing, which is quite enough.

I think the problem is you want to show all these people and make them individuals by painting them in glorious Technicolor, but you simply don't have the time and space to do it. Alec is your star here, so he needs to be front and centre. Also give colour to one or two of the more important of the others, but keep the rest of them in background monochrome for the moment, only colourising them when they step into the spotlight for their cameo. By colouring them all in, you're taking attention away from where it's needed.

That help?

Totally does Judge, and thank you. I think you're completely on the money and pretty much came to the same conclusion myself.

Not to make an excuse, but my happy days concept came from animation where we basically show anticipation and reaction as a way to demonstrate action. That's my thinking there, and it obviously isn't applying well. C'est la vie! at least words are cheaper than drawings!

 

[EJDeBrun]

Okay, again throwing something up really quick in response to feedback (feel free to tell me if this is too much for people to handle) Thanks in advance! Again specifically looking for feedback on character introductions. (warning *'ed language)

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Alec’s neck was stiff from the hours of staring at the real-time footage streaming from the Argo’s outboard cameras. Trained downward, they showed four different views of Kepler 48.3’s endless ocean and Alec had to constantly flit from one feed to the next in order to spot the alien creatures swimming below.

The effort was worth it. He had twenty-four individual sightings, including three more unidentified species, and he was sure he would find more once he reviewed the recordings.

A sudden white splash caught his attention and a warm familiar rush of adrenaline pulsed through his veins as Alec quickly honed in on the flashes of silver thrashing across the surface. A frantic search showed him the cause: five larger shadows swimming around the smaller creatures.

He zoomed in even closer to the bubbling water, noting that there were now seven shadows swimming around the desperate prey. With a quick roll of his trackball, he isolated images of both creatures and tasked the AI to search the database for any matches. Both came out negative and Alec’s face split into a wide grin. The staff at home are going to go spades when they see this, Alec thought triumphantly as he watched the larger predators use their long limbs to snap up their targets, two entirely new species and the first ever recording of predation made by complex extraterrestrial organisms.
And then suddenly they were gone, disappeared into the depths leaving only a swirl of water behind.

“What the-?” he muttered to himself. Flummoxed by the shift, Alec tried widening his camera view to see if he could find the creatures. “Where did they-“ He drew a sharp breath as the hard-edged prow of a ship cut into view.

“Oh, sh*t,” he whispered as he zoomed out even further and spotted more ships sailing in a V-pattern across the waves. “Commander!” he all but yelled. “We’ve got indigenous watercraft sailing directly below us!”

Five heads shot up from their crowded workstations and the bridge hummed with their buzz of excitement.

“Copy that,” Hiroshi said from the pilot seat and reached up to flick several switches on the panel above him. Controls bleeped and the deck shook as he increased power to the shuttle’s quad-rotors. “Okay everyone, strap up. We’re done for the day. Setting course back to the polar station.”

“Wait, Commander,” Alec protested. “This is the largest gathering of indigenous watercraft we’ve yet to record. As head specialist, I’m requesting to follow them for observation.”

Hiroshi shook his head. “Request denied. Too much risk of exposure.”

“Then keep us hovering over the cloud line,” Alec countered, his tone determined. “That way the natives won’t see us but we can still record their movements.

“I second Alec,” a soft voice piped up. Alec beamed at the speaker, Martha, who sat on the edge of her seat with her face peering into her screen. “We haven’t seen this many native ships all together like this,” she continued. “And their in formation. It’s a rare opportunity.”

“And it’s not like we’re risking all that much,” he added. “That kind of precise coordination isn’t easy. They’re probably too busy looking at each other to notice us flying over them. We’re just a dot in the sky.”

“After all, this is why we came here in the first place,” said Martha.

Alec held his breath as the rest of the crew chorused their agreement.

Eventually the noise died down and Hiroshi turned to look at Martha before letting out a long sigh. “Fine,” he conceded and Alec started breathing again. “You got thirty minutes and I want everyone staying on full alert. Anything unusual and we are out of here.”

“You got it, Commander,” Alec said, throwing himself forward in his chair. “Sam, Don, Gus, I want you guys to drop whatever you’re doing and get in on this. We’re going to need all hands on deck to squeeze out as much as we can.”

“Sure thing, Alec,” said Gus. “Just tell us what to do.”

“Great. Go ahead and started tracking their movements, Gus. We want to know where they’re going,” said Alec, his mind racing to remember all the data parameters they needed. “And Don, if you could start analyzing individual ships for sizes, we can get started on building our database.”

Don nodded. “On it.”

“I’m already searching the aerial images for possible destinations,” Sam said, “Found this right off the bat.” A satellite image popped up on his screen. It showed a sprawling multi-tiered platform rimmed by thin jetties that encircled the surrounding waters. “Six kilometers to the north-west, it’s the largest metropolitan center in the area.”

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm a picky one but I'm also very character driven in both reading and writing, so hopefully it's relevant pickiness. I'm coming at this without knowledge of the previous pieces

I'm throwing my hat back into the game! Really looking to see how people react to the character introductions because I really cannot, for the sake of the entire story, cut anyone out, but I did try to make them... more memorable and distinguishable and would like to see if that helps. (what a runon sentence that was.)

So please chime in! Thanks in advance!

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Director Lee: Dr. Park, I would like to start off by thanking you for agreeing to this review so soon after your return from Kepler 48.3. As I’m sure you are aware, the Council and I feel we need to clarify several critical details surrounding the Argo I mission as quickly as possible, both for the scientific community on this colony as well as for those waiting on Earth.

Dr. Park: I completely understand your concerns, Director, members of the EPA, and am more than happy to address any and all your questions.

- Argo I Mission Review, 5th Exploration Program Administration Council, IIEF Odyssey. 5 (2285 C.E.) (Testimony of Dr. Alexander Min-jong Park).

Alec’s neck was stiff Can you show this? Show him straightening up and the click of his spine from being hunched over? Shows always bring us closer to the character. from the hours of sitting with his back hunched and his eyes staring at the real-time footage streaming from the Argo’s outboard cameras. Trained downward, they showed four different views of Kepler 48.3’s endless ocean and Alec had to constantly flit from one feed to the next in order to spot the creatures swimming below.

The effort was worth it. He had twenty-four individual sightings, including three more unidentified species, and he was sure he would find more once he reviewed the recordings.Again, this could make a much stronger show. Don't tell us what he's been doing, let's be there in the moment. The sudden sighting of something new, tracking it across the screens, and then the realisation he's barely moved during it, so intent was he. Just suggestions.

A sudden white splash caught his attention and Alec quickly honed in on the scene. See, here you're doing it. Do you need the tell above? Flashes of silver were thrashing thrashed is more active to the surface, chased by several large shadows. This was why the IIEF Odyssey left Earth’s orbit, he thought as he watched the larger creatures used their long limbs to snap up the smaller. Not just to survey habitable planets but also to discover what other life existed among the cosmos.

A saga later and the feast was over, leaving nothing but a swirl of water as the predators disappeared back into the depths. Enervated by their departure, Alec slumped back into his chair and felt a sharp pinch between his shoulder blades nice. Days were long on Kepler 48.3 and the twenty-hour work shifts were slowly taking their toll. Reaching up to stretch, Alec gazed past the rest of the crew busy with their own tasks and stared idly out the bridge windows. All getting a bit filtered and time-filling-like here. What had been blue sky was now a mix of red and gold that highlighted the planet’s stark white ring rising out from purple clouds below.

“Okay, crew, it’s getting late,” Hiroshi, the mission’s commander, announced from the pilot seat. “Time to pack up.”

Behind him several of the crew’s heads popped up from their cramped workstations. Packed so close together, they looked like parts of the surrounding machinery.

“Oh, thank God,” Gus yawned with his mouth wide open. “I’m hungry.”

Alec grinned at the surgeon’s regular complaint. “Ate all your rations already?”

“What?” asked Gus. “Intense concentration leads to an increased metabolic need for calorie intake.” He paused and looked that filter could be easily changed - something like he tapped one of them, or he gathered the pouches together. at the empty food pouches strewn around his desk. “And yes. Yes I did.”

Alec snorted and tilted his head towards galley past the bridge door. “Then why don’t you go catch something.”

Gus wrinkled his nose in distaste I'm not sure you have the balance of beats quite right. At the moment, their actions are getting in the way for me. Too many snorts and grins and wrinkled noses which feel like they're there to fill. Either, I think, reduce them, or make them work harder for you. “No way,” he said. “Can’t stand fish.”

“They’re not fish,” Alec corrected automatically.

“Dude, they’re from an ocean planet,” Gus said with a heavy emphasis on the last two words. “They look like fish, swim like fish. They’re fish.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Gus, we are 490 lightyears away from Earth,” he said. “They are not fish.”This is really an 'You know, Dave...' info dump. They both know this, yet they're going to chat about it anyway - it's a disguised info dump that's slowing things down for you. I think we got most of this from the above section anyway.

“They’re close enough for me.”

“Will you two stop?” Sam asked in an exacerbated voiceOne thing in a dialogue scene is to consider if you need things like exacerbated voice. If your dialogue is strong enough, we should not need to be told what the emotion behind the words is. Certainly, here the exacerbation is clear in the interruption. “Some of us are still finishing work.”

“Here,” another of the crew, Don, said from across the aisle. He threw a silver pouch to Gus. It bounced off the surgeon’s chest into his lap. “Eat this.”

“Oo, nuts!” Gus said brightly and ripped the package open. “Thanks Don.”

“It wasn’t for you,” the engineer replied.

Sam shot him a grateful look. “Thanks, Don.”

“You’re welcome,” he nodded before turning back to his monitor.Not a lot happening here. I think - and this is a really hard balance to get - you need to work this scene harder. At the moment, it seems a lot of chat between characters and little to tell me what the story is about.

“Seriously you two,” Gus said around a mouthful of almonds. “Aren’t you tired?”

“No,” Don said without moving. “I'm fine, especially since I stole your coffee ration this morning.”

“It was you!” Pieces of almonds sputtered out of Gus’s mouth. “I was wondering who took that!”

Don jutted his chin towards the packet in Gus’s hand. “I just paid you back,” he said. “Besides I needed the caffeine so I can focus on keeping the Argo running, or do you want it to break down on our way home?”

“Fine.” Gus popped another nut into his mouth. “butBut you owe me a cup of joe when we get to camp.” He spun his seat to face the frazzled Sam. “What about you, Sam? What’s keeping you at it?”

“Leave me alone,” sheYou probably wanted to make it clearer Sam was a woman earlier. It pulled me out a little. But I think there are a lot of characters being landed on the reader quite quickly and, for preference, I'd prefer fewer and them to be made clearer in my mind. Are they all neccessary for this scene? Don't be afraid to introduce characters later - we don't need the full cast laid out for us right away. said while rubbing her tired eyes with the back of her hands. “I’m trying to finish analyzing all these bloody aerial readings.”

Her frustration surprised Alec. “I thought the AI took care of that.”

Sam sighed. “Yeah, but the measurements are coming back erratic so someone has to check them over manually.”

“Oh.” Alec leaned over to read the stream of numbers blinking across her screen. “Anything I can do to help?”

Sam sighed. “No.” She gave him a small smile. “But thanks for the offer, it’s just taking longer than I expected because of the weather variables.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Gus paused for dramatic effect. “That’s how the wind blows!”

Everyone but Martha another one? Part of the problem for me is that I think I have the scene nailed in my mind, and then someone else turns up and I have to go back and reimagine it. Either bite the bullet at the beginning and tell me how many people are there, and who they are, or cull them, maybe? (Only my advice, I know nothing, take it at your peril etc etc) groaned.

“Seriously, Martha?” Alec asked the snickering chemist. “You thought that was funny?”

“What?” she asked. “I like puns.”

“Okay, okay, everyone, settle down,” Hiroshi called over the noise. “And get started on shut down procedures before Gus says something else-”

“Hey!” exclaimed Gus. “I resent that.”

Hiroshi ignored the interruption. “To derail us,” he finished.

“Yes, Commander,” Alec joined the chuckling chorus before turning back to his screen. His eyes were immediately arrested by a line of sharp shapes cutting across his screen. Skin tingling, he widened the camera’s focus and jerked his head back as another black band came into view.

“Commander,” he called. “We’ve got indigenous watercraft sailing in a V-pattern below us.”finally! Something happened

Detail in bold above but to precis, I'm not sure it entirely works, but I think making it work would be reasonably straightforward.

 

[The Judge]

To my mind, this further attempt at #9 is much, much better. We're with Alec all the way, and the others are there and noted, but they're doing their jobs, not interfering with the action. You've got us to the drama of the scene much more quickly, everyone is acting professionally and responsibly, and propelling the story forward instead of holding it up. There are still some things you could do by way of fine-tuning/polishing -- and for heaven's sake deal with that "And their in formation." before I self-combust! -- but for me this is the beginning you need. Well done.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'd second TJ's response above (although there are still a few things I think could be worked on, like using a tell to explain dialogue's tone that we've already captured. )

 

[EJDeBrun]

Hey! Thank you both for your responses. I agree that a lot of fine tuning is needed, but I wanted to get opinions on the overall pacing and tone and if my character introductions aren't complete fail before I put in the time!

Will definitely read through your notes Jo and apply them. And sorry about the grammar Judge! I'm usually on top of that sorta thing but I'll admit I rushed my response and wasn't as on the ball as I should have been. With this, I think I've got something to work with and will proceed full steam ahead! Will post the entirety of the section when I get there in a few days.

Thank you again for all the help! It's much much appreciated!

 

[Brian G Turner]

I can only echo TheJudge's comments - there are rough areas in this, and you still need to focus on the deeper motivation within your characters. However, it's definitely a step in the right direction so well done for that.

 

[Montero]

Only been reading in this thread. Broadly I liked both, the second more, agreed with the critiques - gosh you've had some detailed feed back. A couple of minor things from me

"Sam asked in an exacerbated voice." Exasperated?

"Alec countered, his tone determined." Seems clunky to me. The "his tone determined" bit. Too late at night to think of a suggestion, tried, failed. Not sure determined is needed - it is kind of implied in the context and the word "countered".
Edited to add - "emphatically" "Alec countered emphatically".

 

[EJDeBrun]

Only been reading in this thread. Broadly I liked both, the second more, agreed with the critiques - gosh you've had some detailed feed back. A couple of minor things from me

"Sam asked in an exacerbated voice." Exasperated?

"Alec countered, his tone determined." Seems clunky to me. The "his tone determined" bit. Too late at night to think of a suggestion, tried, failed. Not sure determined is needed - it is kind of implied in the context and the word "countered".
Edited to add - "emphatically" "Alec countered emphatically".

Thanks for the notes! I'm working on smoothing the whole passage now. And I know I got very lucky with my feedback. (Thanks again Brian, Judge and Jo!) The benefits of persistence!

 

[Shorewalker]

2nd attempt is much better...it's got a better pace and flow and is a lot less confusing. I also feel we're closer to Alec.

One minor thing...there are a few saids, nods, shakes, protests, etc. Perhaps mix these up with some actions to make it seem more alive? For example...

Don nodded. “On it.”

...could be...

Don span his seat back to his screen. "On it."

...and...

“I’m already searching the aerial images for possible destinations,” Sam said

...could be...

“I’m already searching the aerial images for possible destinations,” muttered Sam, hunched over his display

 

[EJDeBrun]

2nd attempt is much better...it's got a better pace and flow and is a lot less confusing. I also feel we're closer to Alec.

One minor thing...there are a few saids, nods, shakes, protests, etc. Perhaps mix these up with some actions to make it seem more alive? For example...

Don nodded. “On it.”

...could be...

Don span his seat back to his screen. "On it."

...and...

“I’m already searching the aerial images for possible destinations,” Sam said

...could be...

“I’m already searching the aerial images for possible destinations,” muttered Sam, hunched over his display

Good points Shorewalker! I want to flesh out that whole thing anyways so I'll be sure to include that kind of thing into my next pass.

 

[Lafayette]

The second attempt is better, however it moves too fast. I miss some of the chatter from the first which gave a sense of who these people are and that this wasn't going to be another ho hum day.

 

[EJDeBrun]

The second attempt is better, however it moves too fast. I miss some of the chatter from the first which gave a sense of who these people are and that this wasn't going to be another ho hum day.

Thanks Lafayette! It's nice to hear someone liked the chatter! Unfortunately, I do think that for the sake of the story cutting it out was still the right move. But there's plenty of room for chatter in the rest of the book!

And I agree it moves to fast. I think the events could do with some padding so hopefully that'll help slow the pace down a bit for people to catch up.