Your Opinions Please

[Lafayette]

Someone from Spelling and Grammar suggested I come over here. I am not going to tell you what to look for, for if you find it I will have my answer.

This scene is taken from my unpublished novel.

The large room lacked spaciousness like the others in the stone home. There were piles and piles of dusty scrolls, massive tomes, and maps strewn here and there. Many of the scrolls and books were opened. Two elegantly carved white marble tables sat in the midst of this sea of parchment along with one granite green pedestal. The one table was overwhelmed with reading material. The other table had bottles and jars of mysterious potions and dried ingredients. On the pedestal was (what they knew) was an emerald green hover ball.

“What a mess,” intoned Lafayette with a degree of disgust.

“That’s what my Great Grandfather said every time he came in here,” chuckle Vollmahr.

“A question has just dawn on me,” said the redhead. “Why hasn’t Nyer discovered this place? I understand magic senses magic.”

“You need not to worry about that here,” answered Vollmahr. “Laavinskee was a master at casting cloaking spells on his magic. Nyer is a powerful mage, but compared to Laavinskee he is an apprentice.”

Lafayette hooded his green eyes and glanced at Lady Emily”

“Tis true,” she answered. “Many a wizard was awed by his mastery of cloaking.”

“Well that may be true,” said Lafayette, “but this place is a mess. Mademoiselle Emily is there anything in this pig sty…..”

“THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING. WELCOME TO MY ABODE. WHO ART THOU?”

The booming voice reverberated throughout the room. The chamber became enveloped in an emerald green light emitting from the hover ball. The inside of the ball appeared to be a swirling vapor. Once the vapor vanished they spied an old man garbed in green.

“I am Chevalier Lafayette Louie Dairé La Cair son of Duc Eldounne de Airizay,” answered the redhead with suspicion and annoyance, “and Captain of the Quest and we didn’t summon you.”

“BE THOU FRIEND OR FOE?” SPEAK FOR THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING!”

“Look here old man,” replied Lafayette with his red hair twitching, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Neither I, nor my companions called you. We don’t even know who you are. By the way, who are you anyway?”

“I AM INORR LAAVINSKEE.” boomed the voice from the expanding and floating green hover ball. “THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING.”

“Look here Inorr, yelled the redhead, “I’ve already told you no one summoned you. Now go back where you came from.”

“THOU HAST SUMMON INORR LAAVINSKEE,” boomed the deep voice.

Lafayette stood with hands on ears clenching his teeth.

“Ha ha ha.” roared Vollmahr. “This is too funny. The old wizard is playing a joke on you Tomato Head. He he.”

Lafayette turned and glared, “What are you talking about, Vollmahr?”

“My great grandfather used another word to describe this room.”

“Oh, and what word was that?”

“Pig Sty.”

“I ASK THEE AGAIN,” demanded the thundering voice. “ART THOU FRIEND OR FOE?”

“I’ll answer your questions,” replied Lafayette with hands still on ears, “if you get rid of the thunder.”

“So be it,” intoned the green-clad figure of the ever-growing hover ball.

 

[ZlodeyVolk]

Oh, why do I feel as if I'm going to regret this post?

The large room lacked spaciousness like the others in the stone home [additional information contributes nothing to the scene, as presented]. There were piles and piles of dusty scrolls, massive tomes, and maps, strewn here and there. Many of the scrolls and books were opened [possible confusion between adjectival and verbal senses of 'opened']. Two elegantly carved white marble tables sat in the midst of this sea of parchment, along with one granite green pedestal. The One ['The one' implies 'the only'] table was overwhelmed with reading material. The other table [recently speaking about a table, no need to reintroduce the concept] had bottles and jars of mysterious potions and dried ingredients. On the pedestal was (what they knew) was) [were the parenthetic remark removed, this should read 'on the pedestal was was …' etc.] the an emerald green hover ball.

“What a mess,” intoned Lafayette, with a degree of disgust. [prosody]

“That’s what my Great Grandfather said every time he came in here,” chuckled Vollmahr. [verb form]

“A question has just dawned [verb form] on me,” said the redhead. “Why hasn’t Nyer discovered this place? I understand magic senses magic.”

“You need not to worry about that here,” answered Vollmahr. “Laavinskee was a master at casting cloaking spells on his magic. Nyer is a powerful mage, but compared to Laavinskee he is an apprentice.”

Lafayette hooded his green eyes and glanced at Lady Emily. [punctuation]

“Tis true,” she answered. “Many a wizard was awed by his mastery of cloaking.”

“Well that may be true,” said Lafayette, “but this place is a mess. Mademoiselle Emily, is there anything in this pigsty …” [current spelling appears to be 'pigsty' (one word); typographical convention dictates a three-dot ellipsis after a space, when the break occurs in the middle of a sentence]

“THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING. WELCOME TO MY ABODE. WHO ART THOU?”

The booming voice reverberated throughout the room. The chamber became enveloped in an emerald green light emanating [malapropism: the hover ball emits the light, the light emits nothing] from the hover ball. The inside of the ball appeared to be a swirling vapor. Once the vapor vanished, [prosody] they spied an old man garbed in green.

“I am Chevalier Lafayette Louie Dairé La Cair son of Duc Eldounne de Airizay,” answered the redhead, with suspicion and annoyance, “and Captain of the Quest and we didn’t summon you.”

“BE THOU FRIEND OR FOE?” SPEAK, [prosody] FOR THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING!”

“Look here old man,” replied Lafayette, with [I don't know why, this just feels incorrect] his red hair twitching, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Neither I, nor my companions called you. We don’t even know who you are. By the way, who are you anyway?” ['By the way' renders 'anyway' redundant]

“I AM INORR LAAVINSKEE.” boomed the voice from the expanding and floating green hover ball. “THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING.”

“Look here, Inorr," yelled the redhead, “I’ve already told you no one summoned you. Now go back where you came from.”

“THOU HAST SUMMONED [verb form] INORR LAAVINSKEE.” boomed the deep voice. [It is established that the capitalised voice is booming]

Lafayette stood with his hands over his ears and his teeth clenched. [don't know why, this just feels better]

“Ha ha ha.” roared Vollmahr. “This is too funny. The old wizard is playing a joke on you, [prosody] Tomato Head. He he.”

Lafayette turned and glared. “What are you talking about, Vollmahr?”

“My great grandfather used another word to describe this room.”

“Oh, and what word was that?”

“Pigsty.” [as before]

“I ASK THEE AGAIN,” demanded the thundering voice. “ ART THOU FRIEND OR FOE?” [as before]

“I’ll answer your questions,” replied Lafayette, with hands still over ears, “if you get rid of the thunder.”

“So be it,” [has the voice stopped booming?] intoned the green-clad figure within [is the figure still inside the hover ball?] the ever-growing hover ball.

Did I get it? Do I win a Pinto?

 

[Lafayette]

Oh, why do I feel as if I'm going to regret this post?



Did I get it? Do I win a Pinto?

Thanks for your thoughtful critique.
You touch on it, but I won't say what it is now. I want to see what others have to say. If you don't mind I'll p.m. you the answer?

That being said you gave me a lot more than I asked for which makes me really happy.

I can't give you a pinto, however, if you want I'll critique something of yours.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The caps gets the point across - but don't be surprised if a lot of us are reminded of DEATH from Terry Pratchett's novels.

 

[ZlodeyVolk]

I was thinking of Death—how did you know? Although that should be small caps, not majuscules (typography again—)

@Lafayette: Sure you may PM me, even if I'm mortally bummed about not getting a Pinto. As for critiquing my stuff? Maybe later; I'm still undergoing therapy, after the last blood-letting.

 

[tinkerdan]

It all works well for me.
I did stumble here:

On the pedestal was (what they knew) was an emerald green hover ball.

There are two things; the first is that there are two sentences separating the pedestal image from what's on the pedestal. However that's just minor as I had to reread to determine that the four sentences seemed to encompass a single glance.

The other is that I'm not sure how to interpret the 'what they knew'
However one way makes me insist it need be::
On the pedestal was (what they knew) as an emerald green hover ball.
Then it makes sense to me.

For some reason my brain kept saying that Nyer and Inorr seemed like similar names though in truth I'm not sure I'm pronouncing them correctly.

 

[Lafayette]

It all works well for me.
I did stumble here:


There are two things; the first is that there are two sentences separating the pedestal image from what's on the pedestal. However that's just minor as I had to reread to determine that the four sentences seemed to encompass a single glance.

The other is that I'm not sure how to interpret the 'what they knew'
However one way makes me insist it need be::
On the pedestal was (what they knew) as an emerald green hover ball.
Then it makes sense to me.

The sentence in question I changed to this:

On a pedestal sat an emerald green hover ball.

For some reason my brain kept saying that Nyer and Inorr seemed like similar names though in truth I'm not sure I'm pronouncing them correctly.

The names are not pronounced the same. Inorr is pronounced Eye (as in eyeball) nor and Nyer is pronounced N eye (as in eyeball) Er.

 

[tinkerdan]

Just a small observation; prompted while I was reading something of Octavia Butler's that included the word Pigsty.

You have the word separated into pig and sty which probably wouldn't matter except:
THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING
occurs twice

THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING
occurs the third time

And then when he asks what word it was
Pig Sty
is the reply

 

[tinkerdan]

Double your fun when posting errors out.

 

[Lafayette]

Just a small observation; prompted while I was reading something of Octavia Butler's that included the word Pigsty.

You have the word separated into pig and sty which probably wouldn't matter except:
THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING
occurs twice

THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING
occurs the third time

And then when he asks what word it was
Pig Sty
is the reply

Until recently I was unaware that the word "pigsty" was just one and not two. It has been corrected.

The summoning word was "pigsty" and Inorr was demanding an answer to who the summoners are. That is why he repeated himself.

 

[niccol]

Oh wow. I am allowed to be pedantic without it appearing rude? Cool!

Apart from the pigsty issue...

The large room lacked spaciousness like the others in the stone home

This sentence is ambiguous.

Lafayette hooded his green eyes and glanced at Lady Emily”

“Look here Inorr, yelled the redhead, “I’ve already told you no one summoned you. Now go back where you came from.”

“BE THOU FRIEND OR FOE?” SPEAK FOR THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING!”

The quotation marks are all over the place in these sentences.

“A question has just dawn on me,”

This should be 'dawned'.

Once the vapor vanished they spied an old man garbed in green

This one probably should have a comma.

“THOU HAST SUMMON INORR LAAVINSKEE,” boomed the deep voice.

This should be 'summoned'.

on you Tomato Head

It is conceivable that 'tomato head' should be capitalised but unlikely.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

OK, it's been a while since I did a critique - You may find me picky - most do.

R Remove
G Suggest
B Comment

All only suggestions.

Someone from Spelling and Grammar suggested I come over here. I am not going to tell you what to look for, for if you find it I will have my answer.

This scene is taken from my unpublished novel.

The large room lacked spaciousness (can't really have it both ways unless you're just trying to annoy readers at the outset. Why have jarring bits at the get go) like the others in the stone home. There were piles and piles of dusty scrolls, massive tomes(,) and maps strewn here and there. Many of the scrolls (scrolls tend to roll up again unless held open) and books were opened. Two elegantly carved white marble tables sat in the midst of this sea of parchment (they're not all parchments) along with one granite green pedestal (personally tables and granite sat amidst sounds better). The one table was overwhelmed with reading material. The other table had bottles and jars of mysterious potions and dried ingredients. On the pedestal was (what they knew) was an emerald green hover ball.

“What a mess,” intoned said Lafayette with a degree of disgust.

“That’s what my Great Grandfather said every time he came in here,” chuckle Vollmahr. (chuckled)

“A question has just dawned on me,” said the redhead. “Why hasn’t Nyer discovered this place? I understand magic senses magic.”

“You need not to worry about that here,” answered Vollmahr. “Laavinskee was a master at casting cloaking spells on his magic. Nyer is a powerful mage, but compared to Laavinskee he is an apprentice.”

Lafayette hooded (???) his green eyes and glanced at Lady Emily”

“Tis true,” she answered. “Many a wizard was awed by his mastery of cloaking.”

“Well that may be true,” said Lafayette, “but this place is a mess. Mademoiselle Emily is there anything in this pig sty…..” (why the .... it doesn't appear to be an interrupted sentence)

“THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING. WELCOME TO MY ABODE. WHO ART THOU?”

The booming voice reverberated throughout the room. The chamber became enveloped in an emerald green light emitting from the hover ball. The inside of the ball appeared to be a swirling vapor. Once the vapor vanished they spied an old man garbed in green. (The ball appeared to contain a swirling vapour. When it cleared the image of an old man could be seen.)

“I am Chevalier Lafayette Louie Dairé La Cair son of Duc Eldounne de Airizay,” answered the redhead with suspicion and annoyance, “and Captain of the Quest and we didn’t summon you.”

“BE THOU FRIEND OR FOE?” SPEAK FOR THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING!”

“Look here old man,” replied Lafayette with his red hair twitching, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Neither I, nor my companions called you. We don’t even know who you are. By the way, who are you anyway?”

“I AM INORR LAAVINSKEE.” boomed the voice from the expanding and floating green hover ball. “THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING.”

“Look here Inorr, yelled the redhead (Yelling doesn't deserve capitals? - Personally I'd drop the capitals altogether), “I’ve already told you no one summoned you. Now go back where you came from.”

“THOU HAST SUMMONED INORR LAAVINSKEE,” boomed the deep voice. (there might be too much booming too)

Lafayette stood with hands on ears clenching his teeth.

“Ha ha ha.” roared Vollmahr. “This is too funny. The old wizard is playing a joke on you Tomato Head. He he.”

Lafayette turned and glared, “What are you talking about, Vollmahr?”

“My great grandfather used another word to describe this room.”

“Oh, and what word was that?”

“Pig Sty.”

“I ASK THEE AGAIN,” demanded the thundering voice. “ART THOU FRIEND OR FOE?”

“I’ll answer your questions,” replied Lafayette with hands still on ears, “if you get rid of the thunder.”

“So be it,” intoned the green-clad figure of the ever-growing hover ball.


OK, I did mention I could be picky.

On the whole I like the general feel of this. It has a certain amount of intrigue and there's enough to get me interested in where it's going. So I would read further if further there was.

I think you're going out of your way to make the names annoying though.

As mentioned I don't like the capitalisation.

I picked up on Captain of the quest because, why would the booming voice know of any quest let alone THE quest. You would have to name the purpose of the quest and at this moment it doesn't matter and it wasn't what was asked. We the reader already know it's purpose presumably.

I'm having a bit of trouble about the friend or foe aspect. Someone has invaded the old blokes workroom. Surely the default would be for him to assume they were up to no good. So

"What is your purpose in entering this place, speak, or suffer the consequences"

would be a minimum threat level for unexpected guests. Shouting back would invoke sanctions IMO.

As before, I hope I helped.

 

[Lafayette]

Thank you for insights. Below you will find I followed some of yours and other critiquers suggestions and comments. If you read inside you will find my replies where you made your comments and suggestions.

OK, it's been a while since I did a critique - You may find me picky - most do.

R Remove
G Suggest
B Comment

All only suggestions.

Someone from Spelling and Grammar suggested I come over here. I am not going to tell you what to look for, for if you find it I will have my answer.

This scene is taken from my unpublished novel.

The large room lacked spaciousness (can't really have it both ways unless you're just trying to annoy readers at the outset. Why have jarring bits at the get go) A large room can look small if it has too much stuff in it. And in a like manner, a small room can seem bigger than it really is if it has very little in it. I am not trying to annoy the reader. like the others in the stone home. There were piles and piles I deliberately repeat to add to emphases. I feel it is boring just to say piles of. .of dusty scrolls, massive tomes(,) Thanks for the comma. I have trouble with those. and maps were strewn here and there. Many of the scrolls (scrolls tend to roll up again unless held open) I didn't think of that fact. Looks like I will have to rewrite this one. and books were opened. Two elegantly carved white marble tables sat in the midst of this sea of parchment (they're not all parchments) How do you know that they weren't all parchment? along with one granite green pedestal (personally tables and granite sat amidst sounds better). I will have to think of this one some more. The one table was overwhelmed with reading material. The other table had bottles and jars of mysterious potions and dried ingredients. On the pedestal was (what they knew) I corrected this one see below.was an emerald green hover ball.

“What a mess,” intoned I like the word 'intoned'. To me, it has the connotation of irritability and snootiness. 'Said' is boring and has no feeling to it. said Lafayette with a degree of disgust.

“That’s what my Great Grandfather said every time he came in here,” chuckle Vollmahr. (chuckled)

“A question has just dawned on me,” said the redhead. “Why hasn’t Nyer discovered this place? I understand magic senses magic.”

“You need not to worry about that here,” answered Vollmahr. “Laavinskee was a master at casting cloaking spells on his magic. You win on this one. It sounds a little redundant. Nyer is a powerful mage, but compared to Laavinskee he is an apprentice.”

Lafayette hooded (???) This means he brought down his eyebrows somewhat like a frown, but not exactly like frown more as an expression of doubt. his green eyes and glanced at Lady Emily”

“Tis true,” she answered. “Many a wizard was awed by his mastery of cloaking.”

“Well that may be true,” said Lafayette, “but this place is a mess. Mademoiselle Emily is there anything in this pig sty…..” (why the .... it doesn't appear to be an interrupted sentence) Yes, he is being interrupted by Inorr.

“THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING. WELCOME TO MY ABODE. WHO ART THOU?”

The booming voice reverberated throughout the room. The chamber became enveloped in an emerald green light emitting from the hover ball. The inside of the ball appeared to be a swirling vapor. Once the vapor vanished they spied an old man garbed in green. (The ball appeared to contain a swirling vapour. When it cleared the image of an old man could be seen.) I may rewrite this one. I'll think about some more.

“I am Chevalier Lafayette Louie Dairé La Cair son of Duc Eldounne de Airizay,” answered the redhead with suspicion and annoyance, “and Captain of the Quest This is part of Lafayette's character. He instinctively wants or needs to sound important. and we didn’t summon you.”

“BE THOU FRIEND OR FOE?” SPEAK FOR THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING!”

“Look here old man,” replied Lafayette with his red hair twitching, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Neither I, nor my companions called you. We don’t even know who you are. By the way, who are you anyway?”

“I AM INORR LAAVINSKEE.” boomed the voice from the expanding and floating green hover ball. “THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING.”

“Look here Inorr, yelled the redhead (Yelling doesn't deserve capitals? - Personally I'd drop the capitals altogether), “I’ve already told you no one summoned you. Now go back where you came from.”

“THOU HAST SUMMONED INORR LAAVINSKEE,” boomed the deep voice. (there might be too much booming too)

Lafayette stood with hands on ears clenching his teeth.

“Ha ha ha.” roared Vollmahr. “This is too funny. The old wizard is playing a joke on you Tomato Head. He he.”

Lafayette turned and glared, “What are you talking about, Vollmahr?”

“My great grandfather used another word to describe this room.”

“Oh, and what word was that?”

“Pig Sty.”

“I ASK THEE AGAIN,” demanded the thundering voice. “ART THOU FRIEND OR FOE?”

“I’ll answer your questions,” replied Lafayette with hands still on ears, “if you get rid of the thunder.”

“So be it,” intoned the green-clad figure of the ever-growing hover ball.


OK, I did mention I could be picky.

On the whole I like the general feel of this. It has a certain amount of intrigue and there's enough to get me interested in where it's going. So I would read further if further there was.

I think you're going out of your way to make the names annoying though.

As mentioned I don't like the capitalisation. I like the caps. I think it grabs the attention of the reader more. Do you have a better idea of how to do this?

I picked up on Captain of the quest because, why would the booming voice know of any quest let alone THE quest. You would have to name the purpose of the quest and at this moment it doesn't matter and it wasn't what was asked. We the reader already know it's purpose presumably. People don't always answer a direct question they at times focus on something else.

I'm having a bit of trouble about the friend or foe aspect. Someone has invaded the old blokes workroom. Surely the default would be for him to assume they were up to no good. Why? Why couldn't he assume they came for guidance or something else of a more positive nature?

"What is your purpose in entering this place, speak, or suffer the consequences" How about "What be thou quest? Speak truly or die."

would be a minimum threat level for unexpected guests. Shouting back would invoke sanctions IMO.

As before, I hope I helped.

The large room lacked spaciousness. There were piles and piles of dusty scrolls, massive tomes and maps strewn here and there. Many of the scrolls and books were open. Two elegantly carved white marble tables sat in the midst of this sea of parchment along with one granite green pedestal. One table was overwhelmed with reading material. The other had bottles and jars of mysterious potions and dried ingredients. On a pedestal sat an emerald green hover ball.

“What a mess,” intoned Lafayette with a degree of disgust.

“That’s what my Great Grandfather said every time he came in here,” chuckled Vollmahr.

“A question has just dawned on me,” said the redhead. “Why hasn’t Nyer discovered this place? I understand magic senses magic.”

“You need not to worry about that here,” answered Vollmahr. “Laavinskee was a master at casting cloaking spells on his magic. Nyer is a powerful mage, but compared to Laavinskee he is an apprentice.”

Lafayette hooded his green eyes and glanced at Lady Emily.

“Tis true,” she answered. “Many a wizard was awed by his mastery of cloaking.”

“Well that may be true,” said Lafayette, “but this place is a mess. Mademoiselle Emily is there anything in this pigsty …”

“THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING. WELCOME TO MY ABODE. WHO ART THOU?”

The booming voice reverberated throughout the room. The chamber became enveloped in an emerald green light emanating from the hover ball. The inside of the ball appeared to be a swirling vapor. Once the vapor vanished they spied an old man garbed in green.

“I am Chevalier Lafayette Louie Dairé La Cair son of Duc Eldounne de Airizay,” answered the redhead with suspicion and annoyance, “and Captain of the Quest and we didn’t summon you.”

“BE THOU FRIEND OR FOE?” SPEAK FOR THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORDS OF SUMMONING!”

“Look here old man,” replied Lafayette with his red hair twitching, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Neither I, nor my companions called you. We don’t even know who you are. By the way, who are you?”

“I AM INORR LAAVINSKEE.” boomed the voice from the expanding and floating green hover ball. “THOU HAST SPOKEN THE WORD OF SUMMONING.”

“Look here Inorr, yelled the redhead, “I’ve already told you no one summoned you. Now go back where you came from.”

“THOU HAST SUMMONED INORR LAAVINSKEE.”

Lafayette stood with his hands over his ears his teeth clenched.

“Ha ha ha.” roared Vollmahr. “This is too funny. The old wizard is playing a joke on you Tomato Head. Hee hee.”

Lafayette turned and glared, “What are you talking about, Vollmahr?”

“My great grandfather used another word to describe this room.”

“Oh and what word was that?”

“Pigsty.”

“I ASK THEE AGAIN, ART THOU FRIEND OR FOE?”

“I’ll answer your questions,” replied Lafayette with hands still over ears, “if you get rid of the thunder.”

“So be it,” intoned the quieter voice of the green-clad figure within the ever-growing hover ball.

“That’s better,” sighed Lafayette. “To answer your question it depends if you’re on the side of Baron Jawbryne or not.”

 

[ZlodeyVolk]

Better. You're still missing a few commas, but I know I'll be shouted down if I encourage anyone to add them, so …