Making a book blurb that describes the story

[Robert Zwilling]

I wrote a blurb and published the book, Asteroid Fever. It ran for awhile and slowed down. I am going to republicize it and have decided the original blurb was too enthusiastic and did not describe the type of story. It's a dry story, shows little emotion, and covers a short period of time, 18 hours, though hardly anyone sees that. The characters are simply reacting to situations. There are a lot of current topics wound up in the story which can be controversial, so the characters express very few opinions, the internal mental state of the characters is mostly silent to keep the over all impression or feeling as neutral as possible. I am looking for comments on the blurb. If you want to look at the style of the book it is free on smashwords, there is an online reader so you don't even have to download it.

Original Blurb:
It's Earth 2037, where people eat genetically medicated food or sip insect plasma laced with Martian microbes. Mining asteroid dust has revitalized civilization providing unlimited energy and resources. Asteroid Fever has replaced gold fever, with mayhem, treasures awarded by musical chairs, and detectives who can see the past imprinted on solid surfaces when they feel like it. Everyone is gaming the system but only those who don't play are winning this time around. Prezz Gredloy’s dream of conquering Free Space collides head on with the Queen of Sippers clandestine plans for a one way trip to the stars. Will the mysterious Streamers, tourists’ brains hijacked by wayward medical nanobots, be able to tip the balance of power? The seemingly unrelated events all have one thing in common, nothing is what it seems to be. It's all covered by the highly entertaining Dreaming News which also sells dreams for a restful night's sleep. In this classic science fiction surrealistic style novel everyone is grabbing for the same slice of pie leaving the other pieces untouched.

New blurb:
Earth 2037. Genetically medicated food and sippin insect plasma laced with Martian microbes is on the menu. Prezz Gredloy’s dream of conquering Free Space collides head on with the Queen of Sippers clandestine plans for a one way trip to the stars. This dry dusty account of the last day of the great Pleiades fumigation project is presented in slow motion. Clean power generation solved. The best medical care for everyone, including animals, always using the latest information, always free. Over the short span of a couple of hours, follow the overloaded cast of characters as their exploits have no time for emotional arcs or heroism, only the consequences of their actions as they react to events spiraling out of their control. Being human, while others are biologically identical replicate human test subjects, the favorite method of facing situations is kicking the can down the road. No problems are satisfactorily solved, murder is a workable option, and justice is accomplished by random retribution and sometimes all that happens is that you get fired. Will the mysterious Streamers, tourists’ brains hijacked by wayward medical nanobots, be able to tip the balance of power? It's all covered by the highly entertaining Dreaming News, which also sells dreams for a restful night's sleep. In this classic science fiction surrealistic style tale, everyone is grabbing for the same slice of pie leaving the other pieces untouched. Just another surrealistic day on Earth.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The trouble is that this doesn't come across as a blurb, as much as a random series of statements. While I appreciate surrealism has it's own unique approach, you are not actually doing anything to sell this as such IMO:

Earth 2037. Genetically medicated food and sippin insect plasma laced with Martian microbes is on the menu. Prezz Gredloy’s dream of conquering Free Space collides head on with the Queen of Sippers clandestine plans for a one way trip to the stars.

This potentially could be the opening to a story, but...

This dry dusty account of the last day of the great Pleiades fumigation project is presented in slow motion.

You're basically telling people this isn't worth reading - it's dry, dusty, and goes nowhere fast.

Clean power generation solved. The best medical care for everyone, including animals, always using the latest information, always free.

This is irrelevant.

Over the short span of a couple of hours, follow the overloaded cast of characters as their exploits have no time for emotional arcs or heroism, only the consequences of their actions as they react to events spiraling out of their control.

You play down interest in your story again - you state there are too many characters doing little

Being human, while others are biologically identical replicate human test subjects, the favorite method of facing situations is kicking the can down the road.

This comes across as another irrelevant statement

No problems are satisfactorily solved, murder is a workable option, and justice is accomplished by random retribution and sometimes all that happens is that you get fired.

Again, you play down your story by effectively stating that nothing is resolved.

Will the mysterious Streamers, tourists’ brains hijacked by wayward medical nanobots, be able to tip the balance of power?

What balance of power? You've provided no context to this, so it becomes meaningless.

It's all covered by the highly entertaining Dreaming News, which also sells dreams for a restful night's sleep.

This could be interesting as it infers narrative voice

In this classic science fiction surrealistic style tale, everyone is grabbing for the same slice of pie leaving the other pieces untouched. Just another surrealistic day on Earth.

Are classic SF stories surrealistic? Is surrealism strong in SF? I'm not aware that it is, so I'm not sure who you are appealing to - other than it must be an extremely narrow demographic, who you've already effectively told that this story is not worth reading!

 

[HareBrain]

I think this kind of blurb can work if one or more phrases in it excites the browser's interest and nothing else puts them off. I think what's potentially offputting here is the length and the feeling of relentlessness as it goes on.

The first two statements work quite well IMO:

Genetically medicated food and sippin insect plasma laced with Martian microbes is on the menu. Prezz Gredloy’s dream of conquering Free Space collides head on with the Queen of Sippers clandestine plans for a one way trip to the stars.

The next doesn't. It might even be the subconscious effect of "dry, dusty" (as Brian also said, I now realise, which means two of us had the same thought independently):

This dry dusty account of the last day of the great Pleiades fumigation project is presented in slow motion.

As an exercise, I would try to find three statements like the first two (threes always work well) and then follow it up with a single question or suggestion of how the story progresses. See how that works.

 

[Matteo]

I haven't read the story (preferring to come in "cold") but would say that Brian makes some excellent points and there's no need for me to repeat them. As well as the surrealistic style I would add that the second blurb is too long. I would go back to the first and amend that. Some suggestions below (with the caveat that I have not read the story):

It's Earth (people would probably assume this) The year is 2037. [is this perhaps a little too near to the present?] where People eat genetically medicated food or [is it mutually exclusive?] sip insect plasma laced with Martian microbes.

Mining asteroid dust has revitalized civilization providing unlimited energy.and resources. [how unlimited resources?] Asteroid Fever has replaced gold fever, with mayhem, treasures awarded by musical chairs, and detectives who can see the past imprinted on solid surfaces when they feel like it. [For me, this sentence does not scan well; it sounds as though the Asteroid Fever has resulted in what follows. And the treasures/detectives bit seems out of place. I would remove the sentence entirely actually since it would be a nice surprise to discover it within the story. Alternatively "...unlimited energy with Asteroid Fever resulting in mayhem and ??"]

Everyone is gaming the system but only those who don't play are winning this time around [why "this time around"?]. Prezz Gredloy’s dream of conquering Free Space collides head on with the Queen of Sippers' clandestine plans for a one way trip to the stars. Will the mysterious Streamers, tourists’ brains hijacked by wayward medical nanobots, be able to tip the balance of power? [cf. Brian's point]

The seemingly unrelated events [what events?] all have one thing in common, In this [you could add "surreal" here] world where everyone is grabbing for the same slice of pie nothing is what it seems to be. It's all but everything is covered by the highly entertaining Dreaming News [maybe add an "Inc."?] which also who will sell you dreams for a restful night's sleep. In this classic science fiction surrealistic style novel [cf. Brian's comment] everyone is grabbing for the same slice of pie leaving the other pieces untouched. [moved]

 

[Toby Frost]

Is this the back-of-the-book text that's intended to sell it to readers? If so, I think it needs a reworking.

The usual approach is to say who the lead character (or one of them) is, say what threat or danger he has to overcome, and say what the hero must do to succeed. If there are special concepts in the book (like, say, the matrix in The Matrix) those could also go in. So, making up some stuff off the top of my head:

In the city of Aargh, machines are powered by the souls of the dead [special concept bit]. When ace reporter Bob Smith [protagonist] meets a renegade necromancer who claims to have secrets that could bring down the ruling council, he finds himself targeted by a brotherhood of mysterious assassins [threat or danger]. Now Bob must go on the run to expose the truth - and risk not just his own life but the existence of Aargh itself [what he must do].

This is very stereotypical (and somewhat cheesy) but I think it shows the basic shape of a lot of back-cover blurbs: setup, character, danger and quest. It is rather reductive, but it seems that people like to read about one character's struggle - even the back cover of my copy of A Game of Thrones works like this, even though it is obviously about loads of people doing different things.

If this isn't the sort of please-read-this-engrossing-book text that you're looking for, then do ignore the above. However, I personally would leave out all the things in the blurb that imply that the events of the story don't add up to much. There are several comments to the extent that nothing really changes in the story and that it's not going to be very engrossing, which don't inspire me to read it. Even if you are reacting against the idea of characters being dynamic and having power to change their world, you do want people to think something interesting happens here. After all, 1984 is about a powerless bureaucrat who gets squashed by the system, but it's still got to be sold to its readers.

I'm not sure about the last couple of lines, where you're effectively addressing the potential reader and saying "this book is the kind of story where X happens". I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with this, but it's been a long time since I saw anyone do it. The question I would ultimately ask is "Who is this story about, and what problem have they got to solve?"

 

[Robert Zwilling]

Thanks for the suggestions and the reasoning, that gives me a much better idea of how to construct it.

The trouble is that this doesn't come across as a blurb, as much as a random series of statements.

In the second blurb attempt, I tried to have the style of the blurb match the style of the book. The blurb is also the book description. You could call it a warning sign for people who have expectations of what a story should contain in order for it to be entertaining. A good part of the reading audience has come to expect the emotional content is as necessary for a good read as the increasing tension in the story that leads to the resolution of the crisis. The emotional content of the character's lives can be the entire book, a literary standard since the beginning of writing, or it can be part of the background that drives the story into the readers imagination. There really is none of that, so I feel the reader should be alerted to that fact. Plus the fact that the only review mentioned that as something that was missing from the story. I don't take that observation as an an aberration because it is true.

"It's all covered by the highly entertaining Dreaming News, which also sells dreams for a restful night's sleep.

This could be interesting as it infers narrative voice"

The actions of the characters is the narrative of the story. There is no real narrative voice guiding one through the story and the Dreaming News is just another part of the story, a background for characters identity. It's primary function is to deliver adulterated news.

The story and characters seem to meander and are loosely connected by intention, like a maze with glass walls. This stops any build up of tension, instead the story cruises along flat with the characters working at their job, then there is an explosion of sorts, then flat lines again as another piece of the puzzle is fit into place until the next explosion but no continuing build up. Not the usual story format, more like relay race with no end in sight. So I figure that should be acknowledged as well.

People eat genetically medicated food or [is it mutually exclusive?] sip insect plasma laced with Martian microbes.

The answer it is one or the other. Each is the food choice of the opposing side. I don't know how much it matters, making it appear that they go together or are mutually exclusive. Those kind of details can easily be mixed together, probably sounds better mixed together.

It's an odd type of story, it wasn't written to entertain. I could call it a fictional text book, or a fake documentary of the future. It was written like a camera was recording everything, with only occasional insights. I just don't want people getting it thinking they are getting something they are familiar with. I could
describe people struggling to get through the day, but actually the characters are not in much of a hurry, mildly concerned at best. Perhaps it could be called a seriously unfunny parody.

I think 2037 is just far enough away to make it almost believable. In the world of fiction there are plenty of stories that exist from the year 2000 on.

 

[tinkerdan]

After reading the sample of the book and your intent as stated in the few posts.
I would have to say that both blurbs seem to reflect the writing and if I were to pick a preference for either, I would select the one that you are presently using.

I don't think it misleads the reader. And if the reader is interested they should read the kindle sample and that will confirm that the story seems to follow the style of writing in the blurb.

That said there could be a whole lot of improvement to things; however since this is a published work it's pointless to point out certain things unless the author is interested in changing the whole piece.

I will point out that the Kindle sample gives the best most comprehensive read since the paper edition's sample is only 6 pages which is about standard for createspace and possibly is so for other POD publishers.
If you want to give a larger sample you may have to contact that publisher and ask them to increase the sample.

I'm not sure why the POD's and Amazon play that game--however anyone reading the limited 6 pages will probably be less interested in continuing to read because not much happens.

Good luck with this.

 

[Robert Zwilling]

That said there could be a whole lot of improvement to things; however since this is a published work it's pointless to point out certain things unless the author is interested in changing the whole piece.

I'm always interested in feedback for improving future work.

Pointing this way and that words form us
With mixed up feelings finds us all heading
This way or that on our common journey
Speaking of directions in the world of writing
It’s better knowing the thoughts that didn’t fly
Tell me what you didn’t like that’s what I like to hear

That's the crazy thing about Ebook publishing, you can always go back and rewrite it, just like 1984.

I switched to smashwords where I can get a lot more exposure for a lot less effort. You can make the samples whatever size you want, and the pricing is what ever you want to make it.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Obviously no point in commenting on the first option so straight to the second round

Oh, by the way, I'm a picky person.

The problem is this will also sound like a critique of the actual book - Forgive.

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All just opinions, obviously

I wrote a blurb and published the book, Asteroid Fever. It ran for awhile and slowed down. I am going to republicize it and have decided the original blurb was too enthusiastic and did not describe the type of story. It's a dry story, shows little emotion, and covers a short period of time, 18 hours, though hardly anyone sees that. The characters are simply reacting to situations. There are a lot of current topics wound up in the story which can be controversial, so the characters express very few opinions, the internal mental state of the characters is mostly silent to keep the over all impression or feeling as neutral as possible. I am looking for comments on the blurb. If you want to look at the style of the book it is free on smashwords, there is an online reader so you don't even have to download it.

Original Blurb:
It's Earth 2037, where people eat genetically medicated food or sip insect plasma laced with Martian microbes. Mining asteroid dust has revitalized civilization providing unlimited energy and resources. Asteroid Fever has replaced gold fever, with mayhem, treasures awarded by musical chairs, and detectives who can see the past imprinted on solid surfaces when they feel like it. Everyone is gaming the system but only those who don't play are winning this time around. Prezz Gredloy’s dream of conquering Free Space collides head on with the Queen of Sippers clandestine plans for a one way trip to the stars. Will the mysterious Streamers, tourists’ brains hijacked by wayward medical nanobots, be able to tip the balance of power? The seemingly unrelated events all have one thing in common, nothing is what it seems to be. It's all covered by the highly entertaining Dreaming News which also sells dreams for a restful night's sleep. In this classic science fiction surrealistic style novel everyone is grabbing for the same slice of pie leaving the other pieces untouched.

New blurb:
Earth 2037. Genetically medicated food and sippin(-?) insect plasma laced with Martian microbes is on the menu (You're just trying to shock IMO. This is SFF, we know odd things can happen). Prezz Gredloy’s dream of conquering Free Space collides head on with the Queen of Sippers clandestine plans for a one way trip to the stars. (and yet you've spoiled the mystery in this reveal showing that the clandestine aspect at least is lost - What about allowing the mystery to come out in the book. To me this is like a blurb for an Agatha Christie book starting with,

The butler's plans to kill kill everyone at the get together was a surprise to one and all.

This dry dusty (IMO you should avoid negatives - to my this is easily read as there will be long boring dry sections in this book) account of the last day of the great Pleiades fumigation project is presented in slow motion. (yawn - it may be but I'm not getting any sense of adventure and daring do) Clean power generation solved. The best medical care for everyone, including animals, always using the latest information, always free. (again this isn't grabbing me) Over the short span of a couple of hours, (Eighteen??) follow the overloaded cast of characters (who they? so far only two) as their exploits have no time for emotional arcs or heroism, only the consequences of their actions as they react to events spiraling out of their control. Being human, while others are biologically identical replicate human test subjects, the favorite method of facing situations is kicking the can down the road. No problems are satisfactorily solved, murder is a workable option, and justice is accomplished by random retribution and sometimes all that happens is that you get fired. Will the mysterious Streamers, tourists’ brains hijacked by wayward medical nanobots, be able to tip the balance of power? It's all covered by the highly entertaining Dreaming News, which also sells dreams for a restful night's sleep. In this classic science fiction surrealistic style tale, (a bit cliche) everyone is grabbing for the same slice of pie leaving the other pieces untouched. Just another surrealistic day on Earth. (And that sums up the whole thing IMO - just another day)

IMO Not dynamic enough. With comments like (as their exploits have no time for emotional arcs) you're effectively telling the potential purchaser, this book could bore them to tears. Yet if it's really does cover only eighteen hours it should be a fast paced white knuckle ride of a tale.

For me there are too many oddities outlined.

E.g. When do the characters get the chance in to squeese in a nights sleep for this dream tech to be described?

Hope I helped

Tein

 

[Robert Zwilling]

Tein,
Everything is helpful to me. Anytime someone comes up with a better explanation than what I am using, I will most readily add it to or modify my way of thinking. I write a lot of poetry and thoughtful ideas are always good to churn up the imagination for new ways of looking at things.

E.g. When do the characters get the chance in to squeese in a nights sleep for this dream tech to be described?

That was the easy part. You start out early in the morning with a half dozen characters and just keep adding more characters as the day goes on. No one wants to got to sleep until they get what they want. The story ends before the day ends.

The insect blood and medicated food started out as pure shock, the original blood was synthetic blood and naturally vampires were drinking it, but that was soon discarded for being ridiculous. Since Mars is very barren, no real atmosphere, no magnetic poles, any bacteria would have to be able to repair itself genetically (there are kinds that can repair radiation damage) and the bacteria would work very hard to keep itself in the same healthy state. I just added the idea that it could adapt to a host body and keep all the cells in that body in good shape. It eats insect blood, which became synthetic insect plasma (SIPS), regular old bug juice which people do drink. You drink it as soda or from a hip flask, strawberry flavored. Then it became ordinary and became a means of discrimination, "Them insects ain't no good!"

At this point, I am thinking movie type trailers would be a good way to advertise the book, there are just too many things going. Or make an abridged version. With 8 stories and 31 characters winding in to one story, I could drop the apparently unpopular Dogland story and the accounts of dreams one of the characters had. Perhaps a graphic novel. I need to identify what kind of story it is. Just saying science fiction isn't working. I started with real things and then extrapolated them into a newer version, no real new science, should all be pretty far along within 20 or so years. Look at the CRISPR industry, seems like they will able to cure anything in 20 years. In the US there are no regulations for applying CRISPR technology today.

This is the character and locations chart at the back of the book. Maybe I could us it for a description of the book.


Characters and Locations

Jersey—A miner, working on an asteroid mining station looking for a day off.

Herkimer—Looking for mining work in the Asteroid Patch, out past Mars.

Merackle—College Professor, engineer, self-styled preacher, creator of Merackle space foam, a key building material in Free Space for protection against space junk, meteoroids and radiation.

Members of CrossRoads SpacePort administrative services
Cleo—CrossRoads Spaceport manager, Hector and Geo work with her in day to day operations.
Hector—CrossRoads Spaceport security officer, uses the Sight Shifter Detective Agency to help solve cases.
Geo—Quantum Reality engineer assigned to the CrossRoads Spaceport.

Sight Shifter—Senior partner at Sight Shifter Detective Agency.
Hatracker—Junior partner at Sight Shifter Detective Agency.

Crompton—Cofounder of Dogland, stays in the background of everything.
Eddy—Cofounder of Dogland, he is a Brain in a mobile canister, travels around Earth and Free Space.
Donovan—He is a Brain in a mobile canister, works with BodyServers and Horaces.
Thor—A Dog, resident of DogLand, hangs out with Farmerr and Eddy.

Alien test subjects, printed by alien frementators using human genes free of modifications caused by pollution, designed to provide memories of the effects of Earth’s environment on humans. Some of them are using the Martian Maintenance Microbe instead of eating gengineered medicated food.
Greenie—Unofficial queen of alien Sipper faction, owns several businesses and research firms.
Sheely—She works for Greenie in the security division.
Veta—She works for Greenie in the security division, with Sheely.
Manan—Gengineer who works for Greenie.
Farmerr—Hangs out with Thor, Eddy, and Archey Wolfe. His sister is Ursa Rigel.
Archey Wolfe—Assigned to watch over Merackle, eccentric human industrialist.

Draco—Self-appointed King of Earth’s Martian Maintenance Microbe Group, Mayor of New Mars, a city in a commercialized sector on the west side of the spaceport.

Dreaming News Company, they literally create the news and sell dreams.
Modeany—Cofounder of Dreaming News Company.
Yawrack—Cofounder of Dreaming News Company.
Axel— Employee of Dreaming News Company, nephew of cofounders.
Emma—Employee of Dreaming News Company, Axel’s secretary and girlfriend.
Sootlaw—Employee of Dreaming News Company, works with Axel.
Winepoor—Employee of Dreaming News Company, works with Axel.
Harry—Employee of Dreaming News Company, works with Axel.

Artificial Currents Corporation—Corporation that governs the Remaining Eastern States region.
Prezz Gredloy—President of the Artificial Currents Corporation, dreams of ruling Free Space.
Vicey Mars— Head of the executive financial services of the Artificial Currents Corporation, and smuggler.
Silky—Chief enforcer of the Artificial Currents Corporation

Moon Workers
Cycle—Working on a Lunar underground water construction project.
Lector—Working on a Lunar underground water construction project, hangs out
with Cycle.

Horaces—National infrastructure system composed of machines and run by machines, it doesn’t cover the entire planet.
BodyServers organization—A conglomerate of medical machines that operates out of Dogland, they run the remote BodyServer medical units that treat people and animals on Earth and in Free Space.

CrossRoads SpacePort—One of the many commercial centers linking Earth and Free Space.
Lower SpacePort—Partially developed area underneath the spaceport. It is home to hundreds of thousands of people, most waiting to get a job in Free Space.
New Mars City—Commercial and residential district on the westside of the CrossRoads SpacePort. Famous for Sips production.
Elevator City—Located in orbiting EarthPort, the entire city is corporate headquarters for the company which owns the giant space elevators that slowly move finished products down to Earth and bring raw materials and basic supplies, like carbon, up to Free Space.
Free Space—Region between low Earth Orbit and the Asteroid Patches between Mars and Jupiter.
Empty Space—Better known as digital space.
EarthPort—Main commercial hub orbiting in Free Space for distributing supplies between Earth and Free Space. Home of Elevator City.
DogLand—Logistics center for BodyServers organization. It is home to an enormous dog population that literally runs the place.