Am I POV shifting (excerpt) from omni-third-omni

[Phyrebrat]

I'm trying to get a sort of gale-of-wind introduction for a character. She's the town 'do-gooder' and has a rather inlfate opinion of herself which I'm trying to get across by using what I guess is a POV switch strictly speaking, but I'm thinking it's subjective and I can get away with it, stylistically.

I've put the possibly omni stuff in bold. Do you think this would cause concern?

Please note, I'm not asking for a crit.

Thanks

____________________________________

Marville Pikepepper was not a happy woman.

Marville Pikepepper, steward of coffee mornings, pianist at St Liprot’s, tea-maker, grandmother, knitter of hats, antiquarian, and Lowe’s general dogsbody wondered if she were invisible, sometimes. Didn’t they see her grind her fingers to the bone for this town? For free?

It was bad enough that the indigenous conservative folk were slowly being destabilised by the influx of New Money, but now the town was becoming diluted with the kind of liberals who insisted businesses opened nigh-on twenty four hours. Long gone were the days of closing early on a Wednesday - and no matter how much she wrote, called, visited or faxed that Gary Tann swine about his businesses and nightclubs - brothels, more like - made no difference. She had an idea Judge Rooke was behind Tann's evasion somehow, but to think the most influential member of the town council was corrupt was a theory she couldn’t bear to entertain.

What had happened to the Lowe she knew?

Marville Pikepepper was not a happy woman, indeed, but she was a force to be reckoned with.

____________________________
Thanks
pH

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Personally I think the whole thing is on the Omni side but that’s fine. As a man recently said to someone else on crits not two days ago, if you’re happy, roll with it.

Horror does use omni to good effect. King uses it all the time. You’re grand

 

[Phyrebrat]

Thanks Jo. Esp for reminding me just how wise that Chrons member is

Problem is, I write in close third. All the other characters are close povd. Would it be unforgivable to then go to third proper?

You’re so right about SK. I realised a couple years ago how his main POV seemed omni and thought ooooh I must try that, because as you say, it works so well for horror.

I tried a few months ago. Found it nearly impossible so ...

Thanks Jo.

pH

 

[Jo Zebedee]

You can shift POV styles within a piece, I think. I did it in Waters and no one has objected yet.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Would it be unforgivable to then go to third proper?

It's commonly used by a lot of authors, who stay in close third with a character, then drop out to omni to provide some other context (approaching danger/horror, etc).

So even if ideals prefer otherwise, the reading public are used to it.

 

[crystal haven]

I also think it reads okay.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Thanks. That’s really surprising.

pH

 

[The Judge]

Read fine to me, too, though personally I could do without the final line, as I don't think it adds anything and that's more omni to my mind than the first bit (the "indeed" clinches it).

And have you changed a certain judicial figure from fish to fowl?!

 

[Phyrebrat]

Read fine to me, too, though personally I could do without the final line, as I don't think it adds anything and that's more omni to my mind than the first bit (the "indeed" clinches it).

And have you changed a certain judicial figure from fish to fowl?!

Thanks TJ. The final line is my fave! It might read out of context simply because Marville then goes on to POV her plan.

Re Judge Rooke - he’s been a once-mentioned name in the deleted interlude from the 1960s. I needed someone with some swing on the council so I recycled him as he has (rather gross) backstory preformed.

Re Fishy judge... I’m worried I don’t know me own blimmin book; which judge?
pH

 

[HareBrain]

I agree with keeping the final line. It actually reads as close third to me rather than omni, and suggests she has a particular kind of self-image and ego, almost like someone who refers to themself in the third person.

 

[The Judge]

Thanks TJ. The final line is my fave! It might read out of context simply because Marville then goes on to POV her plan.

I was going to go on and say it would work if you had her planning something, preferably immediately before the line, but the post was turning into a critique, so I stopped myself!

Re Fishy judge... I’m worried I don’t know me own blimmin book; which judge?

Think outside the book.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Think outside the book.

Oh... you mean your best mate; Scardinius Erythropthalmus

pH

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

My opinions on this count for nowt, but...

I can see why you asked the question.

Something doesn't quite work for me.

 

[AlexH]

I'm not great with PoV but it read well to me. There was no point where I was confused.

There's a good chapter on PoV in Self-Editing for Fiction Writers.

 

[ctg]

Problem is, I write in close third. All the other characters are close povd. Would it be unforgivable to then go to third proper?

Well, it reads close third to me as well. You could easily distant the POV and provide even wider angle to the situation and it would be perfectly within the 'rules,' and nobody could say that you're POV shifting. The thing with the third is that you have to allow yourself some latitude to be able to draw the picture for the reader. For example you could go extra wide and infodump to the reader why things are the way they are, but you don't take that extra mile, instead, like others have said, you stay in fairly close POV. But, the problem for us is that we don't get to see a great deal more, to really know if you are POV shifting or not. I doubt you're, because flipping into the narrator to explain things is perfectly allowed, even recommended.

 

[mistri]

POV is one of those things often critiqued to death, but when you read actually published stuff it is changed around all the time. As long as you do it skillfully (ie so that the audience barely notices - unless they are writers too) then you are probably fine.