Mith
Confused
I've always held the view that writing physical fight scenes is not really my best skill, and yet my WiP contains rather a few of them. This particular scene appears at the end of chapter 6, so there's been a chapters worth of lead up to it. I'd like to know how it reads/flows and what more can be done to improve it. It is still in first draft at the moment.
Eviscerate it as brutally as you may.
‘The doors are open, let’s pop in and say hello,’ I shouted over the noise.
I didn’t wait for a response, I leaped forward, blade held high screaming like a banshee. Just inside the door was a blood pool, I landed right on it. My feet briefly did an imitation of a cartoon run, and then I hit the tiles like a floored boxer. I lost my grip on my machete and it skittered away out of reach. Crap, that wasn’t in the plan. The jab I felt to my ribs made me remember I’d picked two machetes up, so all wasn’t lost. I reached inside, grabbed the hilt of the spare and finally looked around me.
It seemed like the world’s supply of candles was in this one room, in disorderly rows along the walls, stuck to the walls and in an ornate chandelier in the middle of the ceiling. The flickering flames cast off shadows that made the house of horrors scene laid out in front of me look like it had been lifted straight out of Hell. The floor was littered with bodies; from the blood they were all fresh. Speaking of blood, it was everywhere. The channels between the tiles were filled with it, there were puddles of it throughout the room. I was sitting in one, it was still warm. There were even streaks on the walls, like somebody had tried to finger paint with the stuff. My eyes stretched wide trying to take it all in.
The centrepiece of this party of butchery, the stars of gore if you will, were the red eyed figures with mouths like Great White sharks that sat cross-legged amidst the pools of blood. Their lower jaws were painted red and both red and black stains ruined their otherwise fine clothing. Their eyes shone with insane delight and I realised they were blood-crazed. Most vamps can pass among humans fairly easily, the double rows of teeth were retractable and contacts took care of the eyes. Then there were vamps like these, crazed by the narcotic enjoyment they took from blood, feral even to their own kind, they needed to be put down by any means possible. All of this I took in in the few seconds it took to rise into a crouch. Five pairs of eyes fixed on me, burning with madness and insatiable hunger.
Through the other door Mike appeared with hate spitting from his lips. That split their attention. He stalked toward them with a machete in either hand. I slowly rose from my crouch, my blade shining wickedly in the candlelight. There was a niggling feeling at the back of my mind, something was wrong. Shouldn’t there have been six vampires?
Oh s**t, I thought.
Something hammered in to the small of my back. I flew forward and hit the deck again. My head came to rest in a pool of blood, I felt it coating my hair, I shuddered with the grossness of it. I kept hold of the blade this time. The five seated bloodsuckers exploded into life. Moving with preternatural speed they converged on us. Two jumped for me, the other three thought to turn Mike into a tasty morsel. I heard him curse and then the air thrummed with the sound of his blades. I couldn’t pay any attention to his plight though, I had my own vamps to contend with. They leered at me, blood dripping from their teeth, hands extended in front of them, each fingernail like a tiny sharp knife. I came to my feet with blade swinging. I didn’t hit anything, but I gained myself enough time to put my back to a wall. There were two in front of me, I couldn’t see the one who’d hit me first. Yeah that wasn’t a good sign. They advanced on me, wide mouths grinning.
‘Going to drink your blood little mortal,’ the one to my left smirked.
‘Slurp you down like a can of coke,’ the other said, through a bloody grin.
Ok, that was not a disturbing visual at all, honestly. I gulped, f*****g crazy, creepy vampires. I grinned right back at them though, showing all my teeth.
‘F**k you toothy,’ I snarled and jumped forward bringing the blade down in a sharp chop. The vamp to my left suddenly became a permanent southpaw, its right hand flopped loosely, still attached to the arm but only by a thin strip of skin. It hissed its pain at me, spattering my face with blood spittle. If I got out of this one alive my shower was going to be seeing some serious action.
I jumped back, evading another swiping claw. I could feel sweat pooling at my temples and trickling down my forehead. Facing off with vamps was definitely a good way to burn some calories off, I doubted I’d be suggesting it to the health nuts though. Right vamp shrieked in my face like an angry steam kettle and dashed in to attack. I swayed away from its knife like nails and brought my knee up into its crotch. It hissed out a gargly, wheezing noise, its face wrinkled in pain. I shoved it away and swung the blade a second later. Its head flew from its body to hit the ground with a solid crunch. One down, yes! The euphoria was short-lived. I went for the second vamp, if I could end this quick I could get to Mike’s aid. The b*****d bloodsucker had other ideas. I flicked the blade in a quick chop towards its neck. The vamp seemed to flow around the swing and before I could react it backhanded me across the jaw. My head rang like a bell and I slammed back in to the wall. My legs wobbled like jelly and I slid down until my arse touched floor.
‘Time’s up mortal. I’m hungry.’
I tried to push myself back to my feet, I held the blade in front of me in a rather pathetic defensive gesture. I heard it snort laughter, right before it kicked the machete from my hand. My wrist went numb, the kick carried on through, striking me in the chest and slamming me back against the wall. My head bounced off brick and star constellations paraded across my vision. I could feel the fight draining out of me, this was going to be a bitterly disappointing way to go, beaten by a no-mark vamp with a blood addiction. I somehow managed to summon up one last surge of will. I flicked a whip of flame at its ankles, it kicked it apart contemptuously. I may as well have tried beating it to death with a feather. B*****d magical immunity.
It bent down and grabbed me by the front of my shirt and yanked me up. My feet dangled an inch off the ground and I stared down into its gore coated face. It opened its sharks mouth in a wide grin, its double row of fangs promising a grisly end for me. The face of the sixth vamp swam into view over the shoulder of the one who held me. It seemed to get up close very fast. With a crunch its head smashed into the wall next to me. The vamp holding me let me drop, its face showing stunned disbelief. It spun around to face the new threat, claws extended for a vicious slash. Its head struck me in the chin. Yet again I was watching a parade of stars. This was not turning out to be my best ever evening.
Another head appeared in my field of vision, purple and pink hair and a face that looked too innocent to be in this slaughterhouse. It was also a damn familiar face, and not one I’d expected to see again so soon. She grinned at me, flicked the blood off the twin blades she bore and saluted me.
Eviscerate it as brutally as you may.
*******
‘The doors are open, let’s pop in and say hello,’ I shouted over the noise.
I didn’t wait for a response, I leaped forward, blade held high screaming like a banshee. Just inside the door was a blood pool, I landed right on it. My feet briefly did an imitation of a cartoon run, and then I hit the tiles like a floored boxer. I lost my grip on my machete and it skittered away out of reach. Crap, that wasn’t in the plan. The jab I felt to my ribs made me remember I’d picked two machetes up, so all wasn’t lost. I reached inside, grabbed the hilt of the spare and finally looked around me.
It seemed like the world’s supply of candles was in this one room, in disorderly rows along the walls, stuck to the walls and in an ornate chandelier in the middle of the ceiling. The flickering flames cast off shadows that made the house of horrors scene laid out in front of me look like it had been lifted straight out of Hell. The floor was littered with bodies; from the blood they were all fresh. Speaking of blood, it was everywhere. The channels between the tiles were filled with it, there were puddles of it throughout the room. I was sitting in one, it was still warm. There were even streaks on the walls, like somebody had tried to finger paint with the stuff. My eyes stretched wide trying to take it all in.
The centrepiece of this party of butchery, the stars of gore if you will, were the red eyed figures with mouths like Great White sharks that sat cross-legged amidst the pools of blood. Their lower jaws were painted red and both red and black stains ruined their otherwise fine clothing. Their eyes shone with insane delight and I realised they were blood-crazed. Most vamps can pass among humans fairly easily, the double rows of teeth were retractable and contacts took care of the eyes. Then there were vamps like these, crazed by the narcotic enjoyment they took from blood, feral even to their own kind, they needed to be put down by any means possible. All of this I took in in the few seconds it took to rise into a crouch. Five pairs of eyes fixed on me, burning with madness and insatiable hunger.
Through the other door Mike appeared with hate spitting from his lips. That split their attention. He stalked toward them with a machete in either hand. I slowly rose from my crouch, my blade shining wickedly in the candlelight. There was a niggling feeling at the back of my mind, something was wrong. Shouldn’t there have been six vampires?
Oh s**t, I thought.
Something hammered in to the small of my back. I flew forward and hit the deck again. My head came to rest in a pool of blood, I felt it coating my hair, I shuddered with the grossness of it. I kept hold of the blade this time. The five seated bloodsuckers exploded into life. Moving with preternatural speed they converged on us. Two jumped for me, the other three thought to turn Mike into a tasty morsel. I heard him curse and then the air thrummed with the sound of his blades. I couldn’t pay any attention to his plight though, I had my own vamps to contend with. They leered at me, blood dripping from their teeth, hands extended in front of them, each fingernail like a tiny sharp knife. I came to my feet with blade swinging. I didn’t hit anything, but I gained myself enough time to put my back to a wall. There were two in front of me, I couldn’t see the one who’d hit me first. Yeah that wasn’t a good sign. They advanced on me, wide mouths grinning.
‘Going to drink your blood little mortal,’ the one to my left smirked.
‘Slurp you down like a can of coke,’ the other said, through a bloody grin.
Ok, that was not a disturbing visual at all, honestly. I gulped, f*****g crazy, creepy vampires. I grinned right back at them though, showing all my teeth.
‘F**k you toothy,’ I snarled and jumped forward bringing the blade down in a sharp chop. The vamp to my left suddenly became a permanent southpaw, its right hand flopped loosely, still attached to the arm but only by a thin strip of skin. It hissed its pain at me, spattering my face with blood spittle. If I got out of this one alive my shower was going to be seeing some serious action.
I jumped back, evading another swiping claw. I could feel sweat pooling at my temples and trickling down my forehead. Facing off with vamps was definitely a good way to burn some calories off, I doubted I’d be suggesting it to the health nuts though. Right vamp shrieked in my face like an angry steam kettle and dashed in to attack. I swayed away from its knife like nails and brought my knee up into its crotch. It hissed out a gargly, wheezing noise, its face wrinkled in pain. I shoved it away and swung the blade a second later. Its head flew from its body to hit the ground with a solid crunch. One down, yes! The euphoria was short-lived. I went for the second vamp, if I could end this quick I could get to Mike’s aid. The b*****d bloodsucker had other ideas. I flicked the blade in a quick chop towards its neck. The vamp seemed to flow around the swing and before I could react it backhanded me across the jaw. My head rang like a bell and I slammed back in to the wall. My legs wobbled like jelly and I slid down until my arse touched floor.
‘Time’s up mortal. I’m hungry.’
I tried to push myself back to my feet, I held the blade in front of me in a rather pathetic defensive gesture. I heard it snort laughter, right before it kicked the machete from my hand. My wrist went numb, the kick carried on through, striking me in the chest and slamming me back against the wall. My head bounced off brick and star constellations paraded across my vision. I could feel the fight draining out of me, this was going to be a bitterly disappointing way to go, beaten by a no-mark vamp with a blood addiction. I somehow managed to summon up one last surge of will. I flicked a whip of flame at its ankles, it kicked it apart contemptuously. I may as well have tried beating it to death with a feather. B*****d magical immunity.
It bent down and grabbed me by the front of my shirt and yanked me up. My feet dangled an inch off the ground and I stared down into its gore coated face. It opened its sharks mouth in a wide grin, its double row of fangs promising a grisly end for me. The face of the sixth vamp swam into view over the shoulder of the one who held me. It seemed to get up close very fast. With a crunch its head smashed into the wall next to me. The vamp holding me let me drop, its face showing stunned disbelief. It spun around to face the new threat, claws extended for a vicious slash. Its head struck me in the chin. Yet again I was watching a parade of stars. This was not turning out to be my best ever evening.
Another head appeared in my field of vision, purple and pink hair and a face that looked too innocent to be in this slaughterhouse. It was also a damn familiar face, and not one I’d expected to see again so soon. She grinned at me, flicked the blood off the twin blades she bore and saluted me.
