A blurb for another book

[ctg]

This is a blurb for the second book in the Necromorphosis series. Since my better half is in the hospital, I'm relying on you to tell me if it's good or not. Here we go, 164 words:

Nobody knew for that the Night Species really existed, until the Authorities launched a zombie apocalypse on the humanity. Even then the monsters and nightmares weren't studied as the elite moved away from the Earth and the Agency, created from joined Intelligence forces were cut off from all communications.

Half a year into the Apocalypse Henrik Jackson has almost given up until one day he meets the beautiful, centuries old vampire called Jane McGriffin again. Somehow she has made all the way from Earth to Exopolis, and all she has is one wish: for Henrik to abandon his job and become a Mayor for the Exopolis, in order to save what's left of the humanity, before it's too late and all is lost.

From Exopolis to Necropolis takes the reader through time and space into the fringes of possible as Jane McGriffin reveals her tale, while she takes Henrik to a wild ride beyond the death and espionage, at the heart of the apocalypse.

 

[Dan Jones]

Not too bad, but it could be shortened. In particular I think you should ask yourself, do you really need that first paragraph? You could easily delete it, and start the second one with a tad more padding to compensate. I've added strikethroughs for what could be deleted, and red text for alternative suggestions to the deleted text, and comments in square brackets.

Nobody knew for that the Night Species really existed, until the Authorities launched a zombie apocalypse on the humanity. Even then the monsters and nightmares weren't studied as the elite moved away from the Earth and the Agency, created from joined Intelligence forces were cut off from all communications.

Half a year into the zombie apocalypse launched by the Authorities, [perhaps insert an adjective or two to describe Henrik, like "grizzled civil servant" or "world-weary pastry chef" etc] Henrik Jackson has almost given up until one day he is reunited with meets the beautiful, centuries old vampire called Jane McGriffin again.

Somehow she has made it all the way from Earth to [describe Exopolis, eg "the ruined prison planet Exopolis" or "the drug-addled party planet Exopolis" etc] Exopolis, and all she has is one wish: for Henrik to abandon his job and become a the Mayor for the of Exopolis, in order to save what's left of the humanity, before it's too late and all is lost. [why will all be lost? Because of the zombies? Could be made clearer]

From Exopolis to Necropolis [is "From Exopolis to Necropolis" the title? If so, perhaps write it in CAPS to be clear] takes the reader through time and space into the fringes of the possible as Jane McGriffin reveals her tale [you could hint at what her tale is: is it a tale of woe, of revenge etc], while she takes Henrik to on a wild ride beyond the death and espionage, at and into the heart of the apocalypse.

~

Hope that's of some help!

 

[ctg]

[is "From Exopolis to Necropolis" the title?

Yeah.

Spoiler: Cover Spoiler

 

[ctg]

Adopted some of the changes and added new information:

Half a year into the zombie apocalypse launched by the Authorities, grizzled civil-servant Henrik Jackson has almost given up until one day he is reunited with the beautiful, centuries old vampire called Jane McGriffin again.

Somehow she has made it all the way from Earth to a former secret moonbase that is now called Exopolis, and all she has is one wish: for Henrik to abandon his job and become a the Mayor for the of Exopolis, in order to save what's left of the humanity, before it's too late and all is lost to the dead.

Although something about it isn't right as "From Exopolis to Necropolis" takes the reader through time and space into the fringes of the possible as Jane McGriffin reveals her tale of survival and woe, while she takes Henrik to on a wild ride beyond the death and espionage, at and into the heart of the apocalypse.

 

[ctg]

Corrected some grammar.

Half a year into the zombie apocalypse launched by the Authorities, grizzled civil-servant Henrik Jackson has almost given up until one day he is reunited with the beautiful, centuries old vampire called Jane McGriffin again.

Somehow she has made it all the way from Earth to a former secret moonbase that is now called Exopolis, and all she has is one wish: for Henrik to abandon his job and become the Mayor for the Exopolis, in order to save what's left of the humanity, before it's too late and all is lost to the dead.

Although something about it isn't right as "From Exopolis to Necropolis" takes the reader through time and space into the fringes of the possible as Jane McGriffin reveals her tale of survival and woe, while she takes Henrik to on a wild ride beyond the death and espionage into the heart of the apocalypse.

 

[Dan Jones]

Is he really a grizzled civil servant? Sometimes I amaze myself with my powers of intuition. Or perhaps we're all grizzled civil servants at heart.

Some further corrections below, but I think it's a lot cleaner now.

~

Half a year into the zombie apocalypse launched by the Authorities, grizzled civil-servant Henrik Jackson has almost given up [given up what? Hope of survival?] until one day he is reunited with the beautiful, centuries old vampire called Jane McGriffin again [tautology: you don't need "again" as you already said "reunited"].

Somehow she has made it all the way from Earth to a former secret moonbase that is now called Exopolis, and all she has is one wish: for Henrik to abandon his job and become the Mayor for the of Exopolis, in order to save what's left of the humanity, before it's too late and all is lost to the dead.

Although something about it isn't right as [I don't understand this first section - can you delete it?] "From Exopolis to Necropolis" takes the reader through time and space and into the fringes of the possible as Jane McGriffin reveals her tale of survival and woe, while she takes Henrik to on a wild ride beyond the death and espionage, and into the heart of the apocalypse.

 

[ctg]

Is he really a grizzled civil servant?

Well, yeah. He's disgruntled, he talk sh*t about the Authorities, he goes beyond his means to prove he's right and he likes to drink ... on duty. So I'd say he's grizzled. But thing is, those are my opinions and I liked your suggestion.

Half a year into the zombie apocalypse launched by the Authorities, disgruntled civil-servant Henrik Jackson has almost given up on hope to find out what's happening at Earth, until one day he is reunited with the beautiful, centuries old vampire called Jane McGriffin.

Somehow she has made it all the way from Earth to a former secret moonbase now called Exopolis, and all she has is one wish: for Henrik to abandon his job and become the Mayor of Exopolis, in order to save what's left of the humanity, before all is lost to the dead.

"From Exopolis to Necropolis" takes the reader through time and space and into the fringes of the possible as Jane McGriffin reveals her tale of survival and woe, while she takes Henrik on a wild ride beyond the death and espionage, and into the heart of the apocalypse.

 

[Dan Jones]

It's definitely getting there. I'd remove "called" in the first paragraph, before Jane's name.

See if you get any other responses, but I'd say that's a good first draft now.

 

[Phyrebrat]

It's definitely getting there. I'd remove "called" in the first paragraph, before Jane's name.

See if you get any other responses, but I'd say that's a good first draft now.

Nice, (and interesting, too). I'm with Dan on this, I think it's getting better by degrees. My only separate suggestion is there's something I don't like about pluralising Authorities. Would it throw a huge spanner in the works if you changed it to Authority?

pH

 

[ctg]

. Would it throw a huge spanner in the works if you changed it to Authority?

Yes. I don't want to spoil.