100th Post Critique (876 words)

[Appello]

Hullooo, lovely folk of this wonderful forum! I've been procrastinating like you wouldn't believe, but have painstakingly eked my way to 100 posts, and am keeping my word to share a piece for critique now that I've (finally) made it. It's certainly taken me a while but hey, better late than never right? XD

This is a potential opening for my much-beloved, sprawling and probably entirely unpublishable YA series that I work on in the occasional spare moments I snatch between crippling self-doubt, unrelated plot bunnies, and tedious real-world responsibilities. The setting is a dystopic future earth where environmental degradation, political corporatocracy and rampant inequality blend with new technologies, mutated creatures and an emerging magic system to create all sorts of havoc. At least, that's the idea

Any and all comments welcome. What does/doesn't work for you? Would you read on, why/why not? Anything that massively bugs you? General comments on my writing etc etc. The usual, in other words. I'm wearing my thick-skin armour, so please go your hardest

**********​

Five miles off the coast of Cornwall, the heist of the decade was unfolding.

Jereni stood with his back to the ocean’s spray, left hand resting loosely on the solar gun at his belt and his gaze glued to the row of prisoners kneeling before him. Several inches above his shoulder, his wind-sprite Tryll hovered restlessly, wafting this way and that as her transient, shadowy form caught and played with the currents of the breeze.

“Gentlemen.” Jereni took a few steps to the left before pivoting and walking in the other direction, enjoying the way the prisoners’ fearful gazes tracked his movements. “I trust you’re all aware why you are here.”

“This - this is High Treason!” blustered the captain, his whiskery face growing red as he struggled against his bonds. “You won’t get away with this, pirate! You’ll hang, all of you, as soon as the King learns - “ he broke off as Tryll swooped at him, then lurched backwards, eyes popping. “K-keep that thing away from me!”

“Tryll,” Jereni ordered, and his sprite pulled up short, narrowly avoiding the captain’s face.

He’ll kill you if you let him go Jer, she spoke into his mind. I can smell it on him.

I'm aware of that, replied Jereni. Now stop stealing my thunder.

Tryll grumbled, but took flight, circling the chalk-white captain before shooting off into the sky.

“What - what is that thing?” asked one of the bound men.

“A demon,” answered his compatriot, making a stifled attempt to cross himself with his bound hands. “A creature of death and shadow, spit forth by the hosts of hell during the Gloaming. A fiendish monster that - “

Jereni clicked the safety off his gun, and the gentle hum of it refuelling cut the man off mid-sentence. “Now you’ve hurt her feelings,” he said, eyes narrowing a fraction as the sun caught the Union insignia emblazoned proudly on the captain’s jacket. “That’s too bad.” He turned to one of his own men, a thick-necked teenager he'd picked up in the camps a few weeks earlier. “How’s the cargo?”

The youth grinned, showing a mouthful of yellowed teeth. “More bounty’n this lot than you’ll know what ter do with, sir.”

“I doubt that,” muttered Jereni, returning his gaze to the captain as he made a valiant effort to stand. “A pity, isn’t it, that the wind blew you so far off course.”

The captain stilled, his lip curling and his hands tightening into fists. “That was no ordinary storm,” he spat, eyeing Jereni like a rotting piece of meat. “Magecraft if I’ve ever seen it, conjuring winds like that out of the blue. And you’ll bleed for it, boy, when they catch you.”

“Perhaps,” said Jereni. He drew his knife and regarded the blade thoughtfully. “But I think you’ll bleed first, of the two of us.”

The colour drained from the captain’s face, as rapidly as if a plug had been yanked beneath his skin. “K-Kernow is under Union authority,” he said, as several of his men closed their eyes and began to pray. “According to the Alliance - you cannot - “

“Cannot?” Jereni interrupted in a deadly whisper, weighing the knife deliberately in his left hand. He looked left and right, noting Tryll hovering nearby. “Cannot,” he said again, stepping forward and pressing the blade of his knife against the captain’s throat. “I could slit your throat right now, usurper, and who would stop me?”

“I - justice demands that - “

“Not your beloved Tyrant, nor any of his snivelling worshippers,” Jereni continued as though he couldn’t hear him. “You’d be fish food at the bottom of the ocean, and I’d be richer than those traitorous Ministers who bend the knee to the one you call King. How’s that for justice?”

The captain’s bloodshot eyes widened. His chest deflated, and when he spoke his tone quivered on the edge of begging. “There’s - there’s no need for this, boy. We've enough to share, and - and all of us go home to our loved ones. No need to make killers of anyone.”

Jereni stared at him, his head cocked to one side. “An interesting suggestion,” he remarked, re-sheathing his knife.

The captain’s shoulders sagged, and he let out a haggard breath. “Of course, I knew you’d come ar - “

“But you’re wrong on three counts."

“W-what’s that?”

Jereni flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his arm guard. “One, I’m not a boy. I’m a wanted criminal according to your King, and we both know you’d never let me leave here alive.”

“‘I - I can make arrangements,” the captain began, his voice taking on a frantic edge. “We can come to an agreement - “

“Second,” Jereni said. “I have no loved ones. Your government has seen to that.”

“Now, see here, I didn’t mean - “

“And third,” he finished, turning his back on the doomed crew and staring out over the roiling ocean. He felt more than saw Tryll flutter back to his shoulder. His voice lowered to a whisper. “I’m already a killer.”

There was a chilled silence.

“Death to all those who wear the king's mark,” Jereni ordered. “And everything they own to Kernow.”

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

You'll get the idea of how I do it.

However, I can be picky

Five miles off the coast of Cornwall, the heist of the decade was unfolding.

Jereni stood with his back to the ocean’s spray, left hand resting loosely on the solar gun at his belt and his gaze glued to the row of prisoners kneeling before him. Several inches above his shoulder, his wind-sprite Tryll hovered restlessly, wafting this way and that as her transient, shadowy (shadowy somehow doesn't bring to mind a wind spirit "shimmering" maybe) form caught and played with the currents of the breeze.

“Gentlemen.” Jereni took a few steps to the left before pivoting and walking in the other direction, enjoying the way the prisoners’ fearful gazes tracked his movements. “I trust you’re all aware why you are here.”

“This - this is High Treason!” blustered the captain, his whiskery face growing red as he struggled against his bonds. “You won’t get away with this, pirate! You’ll hang, all of you, as soon as the King learns - “ he broke off as Tryll swooped at him, then lurched backwards, eyes popping. “K-keep that thing away from me!”

“Tryll,” Jereni ordered, and his sprite pulled up short, narrowly avoiding the captain’s face.

He’ll kill you if you let him go Jer, she spoke into his mind. I can smell it on him.

I'm aware of that, replied Jereni. Now stop stealing my thunder.

Tryll grumbled, but took flight, circling the chalk-white (was red faced before) captain before shooting off into the sky.

“What - what is that thing?” asked one of the bound men.

“A demon,” answered his compatriot, making a stifled attempt to cross himself with his bound hands. “A creature of death and shadow, spit forth by the hosts of hell during the Gloaming. A fiendish monster that - “

Jereni clicked the safety off his gun, and the gentle hum of it refuelling cut the man off mid-sentence. “Now you’ve hurt her feelings,” he said, eyes narrowing a fraction as the sun caught the Union insignia emblazoned proudly on the captain’s jacket (distracting and not relavent here). (confuses slightly as whos this ->) “That’s too bad.” He turned to one of his own men, a thick-necked teenager he'd picked up in the camps a few weeks earlier. “How’s the cargo?”

The youth (man/youth?) grinned, showing a mouthful of yellowed teeth. “More bounty’n this lot than you’ll know what ter do with, sir.”

“I doubt that,” muttered Jereni, returning his gaze to the captain as he made a valiant effort to stand. “A pity, isn’t it, that the wind blew you so far off course.” (five miles offshore?)

The captain stilled, his lip curling and his hands tightening into fists. “That was no ordinary storm,” he spat, eyeing Jereni like a rotting piece of meat. “Magecraft if I’ve ever seen it, conjuring winds like that out of the blue. And you’ll bleed for it, boy, when they catch you.”

“Perhaps,” said Jereni. He drew his knife and regarded the blade thoughtfully. “But I think you’ll bleed first, of the two of us.” (I think of the two of us, you'll bleed first - sounds better IMO but hey)

The colour drained from the captain’s face, as rapidly as if a plug had been yanked beneath his skin. “K-Kernow is under Union authority,” he said, as several of his men closed their eyes and began to pray. “According to the Alliance - you cannot - “

“Cannot?” Jereni interrupted in a deadly whisper, weighing the knife deliberately in his left hand. He looked left and right, noting Tryll hovering nearby. “Cannot,” he said again, stepping forward and pressing the blade of his knife against the captain’s throat. “I could slit your throat right now, usurper, and who would stop me?”

“I - justice demands that - “

“Not your beloved Tyrant, nor any of his snivelling worshippers (worshipers that cross themselves - seems a bit conflicted "followers" maybe) ,” Jereni continued as though he couldn’t hear him. “You’d be fish food at the bottom of the ocean, and I’d be richer than those traitorous Ministers who bend the knee to the one you call King. How’s that for justice?”

The captain’s bloodshot eyes widened. His chest deflated, and when he spoke his tone quivered on the edge of begging. “There’s - there’s no need for this, boy. We've enough to share, and - and all of us go home to our loved ones. No need to make killers of anyone.”

Jereni stared at him, his head cocked to one side. “An interesting suggestion,” he remarked, re-sheathing his knife.

The captain’s shoulders sagged, and he let out a haggard breath. “Of course, I knew you’d come ar - “

“But you’re wrong on three counts."

“W-what’s that?”

Jereni flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his arm guard. “One, I’m not a boy. I’m a wanted criminal according to your King, and we both know you’d never let me leave here alive.”

“‘I - I can make arrangements,” the captain began, his voice taking on a frantic edge. “We can come to an agreement - “

“Second,” Jereni said. “I have no loved ones. Your government has seen to that.”

“Now, see here, I didn’t mean - “

“And third,” he finished, turning his back on the doomed crew and staring out over the roiling ocean. He felt more than saw Tryll flutter back to his shoulder. His voice lowered to a whisper. “I’m already a killer.”

There was a chilled silence.

“Death to all those who wear the king's mark,” Jereni ordered. “And everything they own to Kernow.”

See quote for more comments

I liked this.

A good opeing scene with intrigue, interest, promise of things to come and a protagonist with attitude.

Please keep it up..

My comments and suggestions are just that.

Good handling of the mind exchanges too.

 

[tinkerdan]

I thought this was quite well written. There might be a need to polish a few things; however nothing came glaring at me : well done

 

[HareBrain]

Revenge!! ;o)

I think it's well written, but I have a few nitpicks and one larger aspect that doesn't quite work for me. These are just my opinions, of course. Take what you will from them.

Five miles off the coast of Cornwall, the heist of the decade was unfolding.

Your opening line establishes the narrative voice as very omni, and I think that makes it harder for you to get a sense of being close to the POV character. If you're aiming for a close POV, you might want to have a look at that.

enjoying the way the prisoners’ fearful gazes tracked his movements

This is an example of why I don't like Jereni: he enjoys being feared. That makes him, really, a bully. (I think you can introduce this as a flawed nuance to his character, once we're rooting for him and it's balanced by more positive attributes, but it's probably best not to lead with it.) He's also pretty full of himself. That might be OK and make a nice comic contrast if he were hopelessly unsuccessful (though that would make him more like a sidekick or antagonist than a protagonist), but he's not -- in this scene, he's been completely successful. In fact, he's so successful that there is no sense of threat or challenge to him or his followers in this scene at all, and hence no stakes, really. Might it not be better to join him as he's about to try to overcome the captain, not when he's just succeeded and all the threat has vanished? Fearing for his safety might make him easier to engage with. At the moment he's only sympathetic because he's fighting for a cause (I assume a just one). But that's probably a personal thing.

The youth grinned

We're not sure about Jereni's age (which I think you might want to establish early on, as it's YA) but the captain calls him "boy", so I guess he must be in his teens. It seems a bit odd then for his POV to refer to this other guy as a "youth" -- that feels to me like an adult's perspective.

eyeing Jereni like a rotting piece of meat

I'm not sure this quite works, but I'm not sure why. Too specific? Why would Jereni associate the expression with rotting meat particularly, rather than, say, dog's mess?

 

[Plucky Novice]

Overall I enjoyed this; a nice piece of writing.

My biggest issue with this is that I had no sense of place. They're presumably in the sea somewhere and thus on a boat but whose boat? What type of boat? Something futuristic or an old relic? I think I would have enjoyed this more if I could picture it.

Being picky, since you asked us to go our hardest:

he broke off as Tryll swooped at him, then lurched backwards, eyes popping. “K-keep that thing away from me!”

I couldn't follow this, who lurched backwards and whose eyes popped? Popped - did they explode?

The Captain seemed to flush red and white a couple of times in a minute, maybe just one colour change would be better.

I wasn't keen on the stuttering. They're scared, I get that, you could dial this back a bit or lose it entirely for me.

Cornwall? A futuristic dystopian/fantasy in Cornwall? I'd like you to take me someplace new or at least twist the name a bit so I don't think of it as the same place Aunt Mavis went on holiday last year.

As I said - picky. This is good and I'd be pleased to read more.

 

[Appello]

Ah, great comments all! Appreciate them so much - it's amazing what a fresh set of eyes can pick up! Found myself nodding vigorously on several occasions and agree especially that the sense of place/setting could use some work.

Also what's wrong with Cornwall for a dystopian setting - that place in the summertime is terrifying (just kidding - I did think about this, hence the rebels calling it Kernow, the old name for Cornwall, but perhaps this needs a rethink...)

@HareBrain - I hope your revenge was served cold for optimal enjoyment, haha. Agree about Jereni - it's quite deliberate for him to be unlikeable, but I might be overdoing it and agree about a lack of stakes/threat. I have a habit of making all my MCs uncharitable jerks, not sure what that says about me but probably not a recipe for commercial success

Thanks again all, you guys rock <3

 

[Plucky Novice]

Kernow works ok for me but I didn't realise it was just another name for Cornwall. I thought it was something else. Maybe just use Kernow throughout.

 

[Toby Frost]

Hang on, is this guy the hero? I assumed he was a mid-range villain establishing his villainy by tormenting and murdering some innocent traders. I had him down as a sort of Mad Max baddie out to pillage the (watery) wasteland. Not that you can't have a jerk as a lead character, just that it will take a lot of effort to make him sympathetic.

Interesting what is and isn't sympathetic: I'm more likely to warm to a character who is calmly murderous than one who "needs to be taken down a peg or two".

That said, I think it's very well-written. I recognised Kernow as Cornwall, but I'm not sure how general that knowledge is, especially outside the West Country. But I'm not sure that it matters that much: a lot of references in US science fiction are lost on me, but I can still enjoy what's going on.

One other thing: some of the dialogue struck me as the sort of speech I'd expect in a medieval-style fantasy novel, especially the description of the demon at the start. That made realising that this was our world rather a shock: I'd expect the quality of language to go down rather than up in a realistic apocalypse-type world. I may be alone in this, but it's something that strikes me in fantasy-type settings that turn out to be set in the future.

 

[Danny McG]

A minor thing only...he has a 'solar gun'.
What is it?
Does it only work in daylight?
Does it give a bad sunburn?

I appreciate it's a future setting but I was getting a tall ship feel, are you steampunking a bit by adding in a fancy raygun?

What's wrong with the good old sci fi classic trope blaster?

(Or even a phased plasma rifle in the 40watt range)

 

[Appello]

Hang on, is this guy the hero? I assumed he was a mid-range villain establishing his villainy by tormenting and murdering some innocent traders. I had him down as a sort of Mad Max baddie out to pillage the (watery) wasteland. Not that you can't have a jerk as a lead character, just that it will take a lot of effort to make him sympathetic.

Haha, not so much a hero as an anti-hero of sorts. I have a redemption arc pegged out for him, but at the start of the series he is definitely less than likeable. He's not the only POV character though so I'm hoping readers will warm to him eventually. That is, if I ever actually finish the book

One other thing: some of the dialogue struck me as the sort of speech I'd expect in a medieval-style fantasy novel, especially the description of the demon at the start. That made realising that this was our world rather a shock: I'd expect the quality of language to go down rather than up in a realistic apocalypse-type world. I may be alone in this, but it's something that strikes me in fantasy-type settings that turn out to be set in the future.

You're dead right about this. Will keep it in mind as I continue writing, and try to tone down my natural medievalness (always a struggle)

 

[allmywires]

Hi! I really rather enjoyed this. Great job on all fronts.

A few comments below:

Five miles off the coast of Cornwall, the heist of the decade was unfolding.

HB's right -- as lovely and cinematic as this is, it reads almost like the hook of a query letter and not the opening of a book. I'd cut it and start with this:

Jereni stood with his back to the ocean’s spray, left hand resting loosely on the solar gun at his belt and his gaze glued to the row of prisoners kneeling before him. Several inches above his shoulder, his wind-sprite Tryll hovered restlessly, wafting this way and that as her transient, shadowy form caught and played with the currents of the breeze.

-- which hooked me completely.

I'm aware of that

, replied Jereni. Now stop stealing my thunder.

Reads a bit strange to me. How's she stealing his thunder, exactly? (also, echo the other's thoughts -- do love a morally grey character, but this line in particular makes him cross the border from cocksure to unpleasant. So early on, you don't want to give people a reason to dislike him & switch off)

“A demon,” answered his compatriot, making a stifled attempt to cross himself with his bound hands. “A creature of death and shadow, spit forth by the hosts of hell during the Gloaming. A fiendish monster that - “

Like the expo, but be careful of the phrasing -- it's skirting "as you know Bob" territory. Danger!

“And third,” he finished, turning his back on the doomed crew and staring out over the roiling ocean. He felt more than saw Tryll flutter back to his shoulder. His voice lowered to a whisper. “I’m already a killer.”

There was a chilled silence.

“Death to all those who wear the king's mark,” Jereni ordered. “And everything they own to Kernow.”

Loved this part. This is the kind of morally grey character I could easily lose myself in 100k worth of story with!

Only other comment -- how old is Jereni meant to be? You say it's YA; to me he reads older than that, so the 'boy' comment threw me off a bit, unless it's meant as an insult.

 

[Appello]

Thanks so much for the comments @allmywires. It's such a relief to know I'm on the right track, for the most part. And yeah, boy was definitely meant as an insult - Jereni is sixteen-ish but definitely thinks of himself as an adult

Cheers again

 

[Josh K]

Five miles off the coast of Cornwall, the heist of the decade was unfolding. I'm not sure I like this opening, especially heist of the decade. You're telling instead of showing, and I get it's supposed to be a hook but for me it seemed over the top.

Jereni stood with his back to the ocean’s spray, left hand resting loosely on the solar gun at his belt and his gaze glued to the row of prisoners kneeling before him. Several inches above his shoulder, his wind-sprite Tryll hovered restlessly, wafting this way and that as her transient, shadowy form caught and played with the currents of the breeze.

“Gentlemen.” Jereni took a few steps to the left before pivoting and walking in the other direction, enjoying the way the prisoners’ fearful gazes tracked his movements. “I trust you’re all aware why you are here.”

“This - this is High Treason!” blustered the captain, his whiskery face growing red as he struggled against his bonds. “You won’t get away with this, pirate! You’ll hang, all of you, as soon as the King learns - “ he broke off as Tryll swooped at him, then lurched backwards, eyes popping. “K-keep that thing away from me!”

“Tryll,” Jereni ordered, and his sprite pulled up short, narrowly avoiding the captain’s face.

He’ll kill you if you let him go, Jer, she spoke into his mind. I can smell it on him.

I'm aware of that, replied Jereni. Now stop stealing my thunder. Considering this is a sort of grand crusade against a corrupt government, this wording seems off. Jereni has a hatred of the government and it's people and you're making it sound like he just wants to look cool. Whenever Jerani has an interaction with this government you should keep in mind that he hates them for killing his family or doing X deed. This will resonate with the reader and make him sympathetic. The wording you use makes me think of a cocky teenager that I want to slap.

Tryll grumbled, but took flight, circling the chalk-white captain before shooting off into the sky.

“What - what is that thing?” asked one of the bound men.

“A demon,” answered his compatriot, making a stifled attempt to cross himself with his bound hands. “A creature of death and shadow, spit forth by the hosts of hell during the Gloaming. A fiendish monster that - “

Jereni clicked the safety off his gun, and the gentle hum of it refuelling cut the man off mid-sentence. “Now you’ve hurt her feelings,” he said, eyes narrowing a fraction as the sun caught the Union insignia emblazoned proudly on the captain’s jacket. “That’s too bad.” He turned to one of his own men, a thick-necked teenager he'd picked up in the camps a few weeks earlier. “How’s the cargo?”

The youth grinned, showing a mouthful of yellowed teeth. “More bounty’n this lot than you’ll know what ter do with, sir.” He sounds a bit more experienced than he should be considering he's a new recruit.

“I doubt that,” muttered Jereni, returning his gaze to the captain as he made a valiant effort to stand. “A pity, isn’t it, that the wind blew you so far off course.”

The captain stilled, his lip curling and his hands tightening into fists. “That was no ordinary storm,” he spat, eyeing Jereni like a rotting piece of meat. “Magecraft if I’ve ever seen it, conjuring winds like that out of the blue. And you’ll bleed for it, boy, when they catch you.” I'm not sure you actually need to spell this out for the reader. I know for me the comment from the captain was enough to figure out it wasn't a natural force that caused their change in course.

“Perhaps,” said Jereni. He drew his knife and regarded the blade thoughtfully. “But I think you’ll bleed first, of the two of us.” I prefer "But of the two of us, I think you'll bleed first."

The colour drained from the captain’s face, as rapidly as if a plug had been yanked beneath his skin. “K-Kernow is under Union authority,” he said, as several of his men closed their eyes and began to pray. “According to the Alliance - you cannot - “ Prayer seems like a weird response to a threat to someone's life. I get what you're doing - trying to set the stage for a state religion, but these are sailors. Unless all of these men are priests, I'm not sure it's appropriate in this instance.

“Cannot?” Jereni interrupted in a deadly whisper, weighing the knife deliberately in his left hand. He looked left and right, noting Tryll hovering nearby. “Cannot,” he said again, stepping forward and pressing the blade of his knife against the captain’s throat. “I could slit your throat right now, usurper, and who would stop me?”

“I - justice demands that - “

“Not your beloved Tyrant, nor any of his snivelling worshippers,” Jereni continued as though he couldn’t hear him. “You’d be fish food at the bottom of the ocean, and I’d be richer than those traitorous Ministers who bend the knee to the one you call King. How’s that for justice?”

The captain’s bloodshot eyes widened. His chest deflated, and when he spoke his tone quivered on the edge of begging. “There’s - there’s no need for this, boy. We've enough to share, and - and all of us go home to our loved ones. No need to make killers of anyone.” This feels a bit off. The captain is all bluster, and then he's pretty much begging for his life. I think having a sly look to him here as he 'gives' in. I'm assuming the captain is an intelligent man, so he's probably going to bide his time since he knows what type Jereni is. Also, you have the captain more fearful of words than a knife at his throat. Lastly, from my view of the scene the captain is not using boy as an insult. From what I can see he says boy because he sees Jerani as young. That is corroborated by the man saying he doesn't want to make a killer of him.

Jereni stared at him, his head cocked to one side. “An interesting suggestion,” he remarked, re-sheathing his knife.

The captain’s shoulders sagged, and he let out a haggard breath. “Of course, I knew you’d come ar - “ Same as above. It doesn't quite fit. You might spend some time working on what type of man the captain is.

“But you’re wrong on three counts."

“W-what’s that?”

Jereni flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his arm guard. “One, I’m not a boy. I’m a wanted criminal according to your King, and we both know you’d never let me leave here alive.” The captain never suggested Jereni leave the ship.

“‘I - I can make arrangements,” the captain began, his voice taking on a frantic edge. “We can come to an agreement - “

“Second,” Jereni said. “I have no loved ones. Your government has seen to that.”

“Now, see here, I didn’t mean - “

“And third,” he finished, turning his back on the doomed crew and staring out over the roiling ocean. He felt more than saw Tryll flutter back to his shoulder. His voice lowered to a whisper. “I’m already a killer.”

There was a chilled silence.

“Death to all those who wear the king's mark,” Jereni ordered. “And everything they own to Kernow.” I get you want a dramatic flare but I'm not sure who you're talking to. The green youth? You should introduce some of his compatriots, maybe a second in command.

First time critiquing on here. I've got the critique in the quote. I like the scene quite a bit. The most obvious issues were inconsistencies in character. However, none of the inconsistencies are huge and should be easy enough to fix. I would recommend developing the main characters a bit more on your own to get more comfortable in their skin. I liked the world building a lot - you have different races, some sort of evil sprite, and magic, all brought in quite well. You have a corrupt government and tension between that government and people like Jerani. I think it sets the stage for an interesting book.

 

[The Big Peat]

I like the writing but I'm afraid to say I didn't like the scene.

It didn't grab me, it didn't have a hook. I see a fair few criticisms about missing worldbuilding details and an unsympathetic MC... I don't think those are big deals in that they're not making me look away, but they are missed opportunities to make me keep going away.

The big issue is that nothing particularly happens other than a lot of dialogue, most of verging on exposition (without expositing enough), leading to a conclusion you've called in the opening lines i.e. captives dying. The MC doesn't make any major decisions, he doesn't risk anything much. Nothing is at stake.

It almost feels like a villain prologue. I get no sense of this being the instigating incident that sets everything in motion either.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Congratulations on 100 posts in seven years, @Appello I bet half of them must be challenge entries. It's nice to see something from you and I apologise for turning up late. I'm trying to contribute more to crits as I've been in deep process myself and not returned the favour enough.

I got a strong sense of scene and character, but I do think there's an awful lot of fat that can be trimmed. However, I'd take that with a pinch as I've had a look at what people have said above and the comments are generally positive so...

Reading your intro before the piece made me wonder if perhaps you're throwing everything but the kitchen sink into the mix. Dystopian, tech, sprites, corporatocracies... It's a lot to keep track of as an author. Then there's the dialogue construction that sounds very archaic when I'd expect something a tad more modern and informal. Indeed, rather than wordy, I'd expect some kind of pidgin or patois from a dystopia, and esp pirates. He does like the sound of his own voice. I see you're going for a redemption arc so this is something you can address through that journey, but it's hard to like someone who is a bully, but then when he's so full of himself it's even more of a stretch.

I also feel much of the dialogue is explain-y, and sometimes a set up so the MC can deliver a bon mot, or a den-den-den, moment like the last line.

Some thoughts on the text:

Jereni took a few steps to the left before pivoting and walking in the other direction, enjoying the way the prisoners’ fearful gazes tracked his movements.

I did get the impression throughout that you are writing as if we are watching a cinematic display with naturalistic elements. The above quote could be simplified and punchier with a well-placed 'pacing back and forth' or similar.

“Tryll,” Jereni ordered, and his sprite pulled up short, narrowly avoiding the captain’s face.

The most interesting element of this passage for me was Tryll but she is the least developed in terms of what she is, how she looks, and what she's after.

He’ll kill you if you let him go Jer, she spoke into his mind. I can smell it on him.

I'd suggest whenever Tryll si communicting, you could save yourself words by simply writing her telepathic thoughts in italics without the 'she said/spoke in his mind' etc. After the first exchange the reader will get it. Let the italics signpost to the reader that it's mental chatter withut qualifying it.

I'm aware of that, replied Jereni. Now stop stealing my thunder.

As above. Also, would someone so arrogant as Jereni tell anyone to stop stealing his thunder?

Tryll grumbled, but took flight, circling the chalk-white captain before shooting off into the sky.

I think you're missing a trick here; her grumbling could be specified to give us a sense of her character beyond Tinkerbell. In His Dark Materials, the daemon's have strongly rendered characters themselves. There's no mistaking Pantalaimon for anything else when he's speaking to Lyra.

“What - what is that thing?” asked one of the bound men.

“A demon,” answered his compatriot, making a stifled attempt to cross himself with his bound hands. “A creature of death and shadow, spit forth by the hosts of hell during the Gloaming. A fiendish monster that - “

This is what I meant by explain-y. Instead of Cap'n asking what it is, it might be more authentic a response for him to explode at it, cursing it as a demon etc rather than a generic 'compatriot'.

e turned to one of his own men, a thick-necked teenager

showing a mouthful of yellowed teeth

I really liked the sense of character of this teen which you get across so quickly with these two simple descrptions. I think Tryll and Jereni get less description by comparison. I can picture this teen far more clearly in my mind than the other two, or the cap.

“A pity, isn’t it, that the wind blew you so far off course.”

This seems to exist only to serve the next line of dialogue

The captain stilled, his lip curling and his hands tightening into fists. “That was no ordinary storm,” he spat, eyeing Jereni like a rotting piece of meat. “Magecraft if I’ve ever seen it, conjuring winds like that out of the blue. And you’ll bleed for it, boy, when they catch you.”

Which again sounds expository.

of the two of us.”

- I 'd delete this . The sentence is stronger with the simple 'You'll bleed first'. (Of the two of us, is implicit )

The colour drained from the captain’s face, as rapidly as if a plug had been yanked beneath his skin. “K-Kernow is under Union authority,

“W-what’s that?”

“‘I - I can make arrangements,”

The captain is inconsistent in this passage. He vacillates between rage and utter terror. Also the naturalistic style of the stuttering began to grate. I know it is what we do when we are in threatening situations and under pressure, but for my tastes it's used too much. Especially when one moment teh captain speaks quite ballsy and the next he's quailing.

“Cannot?” Jereni interrupted in a deadly whisper, weighing the knife deliberately in his left hand. He looked left and right, noting Tryll hovering nearby. “Cannot,” he said again, stepping forward and pressing the blade of his knife against the captain’s throat. “I could slit your throat right now, usurper, and who would stop me?”

This showboating of Jereni makes him really unlikeable.

The big issue is that nothing particularly happens other than a lot of dialogue, most of verging on exposition (without expositing enough), leading to a conclusion you've called in the opening lines i.e. captives dying. The MC doesn't make any major decisions, he doesn't risk anything much. Nothing is at stake.

I think Peat has really summed up neatly what I feel. I think all the elements are there right now, but I think you need to teaze them out. It seems to me like the entire passage exists only as a set up to a POW! moment that hasn't been earnt, namely:

“Death to all those who wear the king's mark,” Jereni ordered. “And everything they own to Kernow.”

I'd be very interested if you posted an edited version here taking the points people have said upthread. It's got some great licks and you clearly have a strong sense of your story - I just think you need to give us a stronger sense of it.

Hope this is of some help. I noticed you mentioned your 'crippling self doubt' - don't worry about that; we all have it (I really struggle with feeling like an imposter even critiquing, let alone writing my own stuff) and it's actionless energy. Easier said than done, perhaps but as soon as I got used being slaughtered in crits, I really started to value the comments.

pH