I'd like to write this sentence... but it worries me a little...

[FibonacciEddie]

**
In most cases, they also held tightly onto sobbing children, who were themselves clutching treasured possessions of teddy bears and mobile phones whilst asking questions that couldn’t easily be answered.
**

Do you think it's okay?

I could write it as...

**
In most cases, they also held tightly onto sobbing children. Whilst, the children themselves, clutched their own treasured possessions of teddy bears and mobile phones asn asked questions that couldn’t easily be answered.
**

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Definitely the first, of those two choices. The "whilst" part of your second example isn't a complete sentence.

In most cases, they also held tightly onto sobbing children, who were themselves clutching treasured possessions of teddy bears and mobile phones whilst asking questions that couldn’t easily be answered.

I'm not a fan of the whilst in this one either, though. I think you could cut it down a bit:

In most cases, they also held tightly on to sobbing children, who were themselves clutching treasured teddy bears and mobile phones and asking questions that couldn't easily be answered.

(Note that "hold on" is the verb phrase, so it's "hold on to" rather than "hold onto". Onto is a direction.)

 

[Culhwch]

Neither option flows too well, in my opinion, but the first works a bit better I'd say. I don't know the context before this sentence, and it seems important given the first phrase, but I'd probably write it something like:

Many also held tight on to sobbing children, who clutched their own treasured possessions -- teddy bears, mobile phones -- while asking questions that couldn't easily be answered.

A lot of that is really a stylistic choice in the end, though!

 

[FibonacciEddie]

thanks ... I am at that horrible stage of my book where I have rewritten every sentence fifty times and I now can't stand the sight of any of it but need to press "publish" sometime soon or I will never do it...

 

[tinkerdan]

I like what TheDustyZebra did with this.

In most cases, they also held tightly on to sobbing children, who were themselves clutching treasured teddy bears and mobile phones and asking questions that couldn't easily be answered.

However, and this is just me, I think you could drop the first comma. And you could get rid of also.


In most cases they held tightly on to sobbing children, who were themselves clutching treasured teddy bears and mobile phones and asking questions that couldn't easily be answered.

 

[Plucky Novice]

I think this could be tighter still, there's an adverb and passive voice.

Most clung to sobbing children, who themselves clutched treasured teddy bears and mobile phones and asked questions not easily answered.

 

[HareBrain]

passive voice

I think your version is the best so far, but just to correct a common misapprehension, it's not passive voice in the original just because it contains "were". Passive is where the natural subject is either removed and its place taken by the object, or they swap. E.g. "I spilled the coffee" becomes "Coffee was spilled"; "The gardener cut back my rose bush" becomes "My rose bush was cut back by the gardener". (These do add the verb "to be", true, but the verb to be doesn't necessarily indicate passive.) In the OP's example, passive would be that the teddy bears were being clutched by the children.

 

[Daysman]

Most clung to sobbing children, who themselves clutched treasured teddy bears and mobile phones and asked questions not easily answered.

This is interesting... maybe use treasures?

Something like:

Most clung to sobbing children, who themselves clutched treasures, teddy bears and mobile phones, and asked questions not easily answered.

???

 

[Plucky Novice]

I think your version is the best so far, but just to correct a common misapprehension, it's not passive voice in the original just because it contains "were". Passive is where the natural subject is either removed and its place taken by the object, or they swap. E.g. "I spilled the coffee" becomes "Coffee was spilled"; "The gardener cut back my rose bush" becomes "My rose bush was cut back by the gardener". (These do add the verb "to be", true, but the verb to be doesn't necessarily indicate passive.) In the OP's example, passive would be that the teddy bears were being clutched by the children.

Thanks, I definitely misapprehended. Does it have a name when you use the verb to be unnecessarily?

 

[HareBrain]

Does it have a name when you use the verb to be unnecessarily?

Not that I've heard, apart from "overuse of the continuous tense" (which is the -ing word). If you can think of something snappier, maybe it'll get adopted!

 

[Plucky Novice]

Wereing! There's a pun in there if you look hard enough.