YA Fantasy Book 2 opening (1000 words)

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Hi all,

This is the opening to the second book of my YA fantasy trilogy. I welcome all your thoughts, please have at it.

Thanks,

PN


"Danny didn’t see the rock hurtling towards his head, he sensed it.

He tilted his head to one side as the projectile whistled past, ruffling his blond locks on its way and span round to snatch a cobblestone out of the air as it chased its flinty predecessor at high velocity.

A half dozen men stalked him. Hard, angular men with quarry dust thick on their clothes. One led from the front, thick stubble on his face and a broken bottle in his grip; a vicious curved scar disfiguring the taut muscles of his forearm. Ralendek’s deniers.

Danny’s eyes flitted around him, searching for his escape route but the narrow street terminated in a dead end a couple of dozen strides behind him. Great for training; not so good for a boy escaping a lynch mob. He reached instinctively up his back, hand closing on thin air. The men advanced cautiously, reducing the gap to Danny to a dozen strides but he didn’t back away.

‘Nowhere to run boy,’ the man with the broken bottle said with a sneer of satisfaction.

‘We’re gonna snuff you out Stoneborn,’ yelled another, brandishing a makeshift club.

Danny’s eyes narrowed and he tossed the cobblestone in his hand, feeling its weight. Six strides. He dropped into a stance, trying to keep focus as his heart pounded in his ears. The men moved up on the flanks to catch him in a pincer. Three strides. A bead of sweat trickled down Danny’s temple. Just a little closer. The men hesitated outside of strike range.

‘No-’ The rest of the word evaporated in a muffled scream as the cobblestone smashed through teeth on its way into the lead man’s mouth. Danny turned and sprinted down the street towards the dead end, heavy foot falls behind him as the mob took chase. He knew the street well and he knew the rough wooden walls of the buildings lining it, a few doors but none were open.

Just before he reached the end, Danny swerved hard to the left and jumped high onto the end wall, running his feet up as he angled his body away, he sprang up and away towards the side wall. High out of reach of his pursuers, Danny’s momentum towards the wall afforded him a couple of strides to pass over their heads before gravity caught up. He landed on his feet, a hand finding the ground for balance and charged back down the street. He skipped easily round a half-hearted tackle from the lead man; shards from the bottle crunched under Danny’s feet and he winced as he saw blood escaping from the man’s mouth.

‘You won’t get away this time,’ a shout came from behind, ‘We’re not gonna let you bring war upon us.’

More yells from the pursuing men spurred Danny on and he used a lamp post to slingshot himself round the corner as he raced out of the street and into another. He had to make it back to the Stone Circles pub or at least somewhere busier; no way he could fight all of them. He skidded round a tight corner into the next turnoff, hoping his pursuers would lose sight of him. But they were quarry workers; fit, strong and in their prime. He wasn’t losing them.

He desperately tried to plot his route but couldn’t focus as he hurtled down the short streets, taking turn after turn. The streets opened up, becoming wider with less houses and more space between them. The outskirts of Amicas. He’d taken a wrong turn somewhere and on the broader thoroughfare he could hear the drum of feet getting closer. He couldn’t out run them, not in a straight race on hard packed earth.

He took a sharp change of direction and cut off between two houses, coming out on scrub land with more houses on the other side. Not much better. He willed his tired legs on, adrenalin pushing aside the burn in his muscles. He stumbled on the uneven ground but kept his feet, closing in on a fence before the buildings opposite.

He couldn’t hesitate, the fall of footsteps had thinned but at least two kept up the chase. Chest high, he launched himself at the top of the fence, grasped it in his hands and pulled. Flying horizontally through the air he cleared the fence, hit the ground in a roll and sprang out of it to find his feet, still moving.

Danny risked a glance behind, two men slowed to vault the fence. They breathed hard, their faces fixed in grim determination. He scampered between the houses and out onto the street turning back to the centre of Amicas.

‘Alright Danny,’ Scarlet’s familiar tones called out from behind him. He skidded to a halt and whirled round. ‘Out training again?’ she asked ambling along, a brace of adult priggins dangling from her belt, a strap slung over her shoulder.

‘Deniers. Run!’ Danny said, sucking in great lungfuls of air and made to set off again. Scarlet didn’t move to follow. ‘Scarlet!’

The two pursuing men charged out of the gap between the houses. They barely registered Scarlet as their eyes found Danny. They slowed as they approached, one armed with a makeshift mace and the other a wickedly curved knife, the rusty blade dull in the sunlight.

‘Stop.’ The authority in Scarlet’s voice halted the men’s progress and they glanced in her direction. The glance turned into a fearful stare as they looked down the shaft of a crossbow bolt, loaded and ready to fire.

Scarlet manoeuvred round the pair, putting herself between them and Danny. Her aim remained as unflinching as the men’s fixation on the crossbow. No one moved, a dozen strides between the two pairs; a standoff. Danny scoured the ground for some kind of weapon but found only dirt.

The man with the knife began to advance, ‘Out of the way girlie, we all know you’re not going to fire.’

‘Girlie?!’ Scarlet resettled her cheek against the crossbow, ‘Another step and I’ll put this bolt through you.’

‘I don’t think so,’ the man said and took another step."
 
This should be quite a tense scene - I don't know whether it's because I'm ready it tired, but it just seems to stutter for me, rather than flow smoothly. And in doing so, kills the tension.

Individually, there are a lot of nice phrases here - but they just don't seem to run together. I would suggest that perhaps you are trying too hard to be "writerly" rather than write naturally, and that may be stifling the peice.

For example, the second sentence:

He tilted his head to one side as the projectile whistled past, ruffling his blond locks on its way and span round to snatch a cobblestone out of the air as it chased its flinty predecessor at high velocity.

You only need to tell us he dodged the rock and threw something back - but you've dumped a load of unnecessary description in here, for example:
- that the rock went by his head after he'd already dodged it
- describe his hair
- explain that another stone "chased its flinty predecessor at high velocity"

I'd suggest you save this as a new file, then experiment with cutting as much as you can possibly do so with as much brutality as possible - and then see what you're left with. You may find what you're left with breaks your heart through a lack of description, but you may also find it's much closer to your natural speaking voice.

I say that because it's completely normal for aspiring writers end up over-thinking what they're doing resulting in over-writing - you only need what's necessary, what's not.

It's not something to worry about, though - it's a normal part of the journey - and once it does click you should find yourself writing stronger.

Caveat: that's just my initial impression, and it may be the case that your opening isn't so strong as what follows, as writers tend to over-egg their openings full stop. :)

PS: I think you could make the POV stronger, too. At the moment he only considers things reactively and most of his POV is just physical actions - we need to see something more driving him here, some sense of conflict or tension that makes all this much more important than a simple reflex to escape danger.
 
I think POV is the major issue here -- you're not really inhabiting Danny's mind and awareness, and in a fight situation I think it works much better if you do. (I'm assuming you haven't deliberately chosen a more distanced POV.) I'll pull out a few examples which should help get us much more behind the character:

Danny didn’t see the rock hurtling towards his head

He's not going to be aware of what he's not doing. His awareness is "something is flying at me from behind", not "because something is flying at me from behind, it's not in my field of vision". I don't think he'd have the luxury of that much mental bandwidth.

He tilted his head to one side as the projectile whistled past, ruffling his blond locks

"Tilted" has no sense of speed, unlike something like "flinched". And again on the awareness, why would he be "thinking" about the colour of his hair, even if his hair was long enough that he could see it? In such a tense situation, I doubt he'd be aware of it ruffling his hair at all.

terminated in a dead end a couple of dozen strides behind him. Great for training;

Is "terminated" a word he would use? (I can see you don't want to use "end" twice in quick succession, but perhaps you could find another way round that.) And in this situation, would he be thinking that the setting would be great for training? It makes him feel very casual and not under threat.

‘No-’ The rest of the word evaporated in a muffled scream as the cobblestone smashed through teeth on its way into the lead man’s mouth.

You've described the effect of the missile without showing that Danny had even thrown it, which we have to deduce after half the sentence has already passed.

I hope these examples help get you into the mindset of seeing things from within his POV (as I said, unless you've deliberately chosen otherwise). That's half the battle, in my opinion. I've found the term "interiority" a good way of looking at it.
 
Hi @Brian G Turner, thanks for the comments. Some food for thought.

I agree that there are a few points of description that I could lose in here. I'm trying to make this second book almost standalone so that it is readable without the first one. That has lead me to including some elements (e.g. hair description) to aid bringing the new reader up to speed. Perhaps though, they can com later.

This should be quite a tense scene
PS: I think you could make the POV stronger, too. At the moment he only considers things reactively and most of his POV is just physical actions

To achieve both these points I could include some of Danny's thoughts/internal monologue in the early part of the scene - once he starts running he won't have time to think. It'll have to be light touch but might help create the tension. Do you think this would assist?

The driver here really is survival but the "why" comes hot on the heels of this initial scene.

Thanks,

PN
 
@HareBrain that's a really helpful critique thanks.

He's not going to be aware of what he's not doing. His awareness is "something is flying at me from behind", not "because something is flying at me from behind, it's not in my field of vision". I don't think he'd have the luxury of that much mental bandwidth.

Interestingly, something similar happens in the first book (attacked from behind) and the POV is much better there, he is only aware of what he is aware of. I think I have fallen into the trap of trying to get a punchy first line.

I agree with most of the points you raised.

You've described the effect of the missile without showing that Danny had even thrown it, which we have to deduce after half the sentence has already passed.

I'm not sure about this one though. The observation is correct but does it matter? Did it pull you out of the story (if you were in it)?
The reader is catching up with what's just happened, as is everyone else - except Danny - back to the POV point again.
 
It'll have to be light touch but might help create the tension. Do you think this would assist?

Indeed, light touches are often the best. The situation may be immediately one of fight or flight, but a reader will usually want to see some reason to explain *why* this person must survive this encounter. Does Danny need to meet his crush/lover, or save a group of orphans, or make it back home to get some sleep for school tomorrow, or any other reason that might help a reader connect with his plight and sympathize with him? At the moment we know nothing to justify such feelings without having read the previous book.
 
Indeed, light touches are often the best. The situation may be immediately one of fight or flight, but a reader will usually want to see some reason to explain *why* this person must survive this encounter. Does Danny need to meet his crush/lover, or save a group of orphans, or make it back home to get some sleep for school tomorrow, or any other reason that might help a reader connect with his plight and sympathize with him? At the moment we know nothing to justify such feelings without having read the previous book.

I think I can weave something in to address this, although I did think that a boy would get sympathy, in the face of a grizzly end at the hands of a gang of men, without needing to indicate why this is important. That, of course, doesn't mean that the reader can't be further invested in the MC's plight.
 
It took me a while to get into it, then I sort of got there as the chase scene started, then kind of lost interest towards the end.

Part of the reason it took me so long to get it...

"Danny didn’t see the rock hurtling towards his head, he sensed it.

This opening line puts me in a weird space. (Also it doesn't need the speech marks there). It puts me in a position where I'm watching Danny, not in his head. And then the action sequence carries on and I'm half-in his head, half-out, and feeling a bit at a distance.

Also!

Sensed it? That to me implies some sort of superhuman/supernatural ability. But that's not explicitly followed up. So I'm searching the text to see whether I'm right rather than enjoying the story.


As for the other thing preventing me from getting into the story - there's a lot of commas and run-on sentences. I'm normally very laissez-faire about that sort of thing but in a tense action scene, shorter snappier sentences generally work better. I don't mind the description, that worked for me, but the sentence length detracted from the tension.
 
@The Big Peat thanks for the critique.

Consistency in POV is clearly an issue - I will resolve this to bring you much closer to Danny.

Superhuman ability? He's not your average boy but I've never tried to put a label to his abilities. They are consistent throughout but even in the first book, where Danny is discovering them for himself, you are left to work it out for yourself through his experiences - as he is. He's no superhero, it's subtle (I think/hope). The fulfilment of this hook/promise will come but there's not currently an opportunity to show it again in the opening scene. I guess that may be a little frustrating but hopefully it will entice people to read on.

I think I suffer a bit form run-on sentences generally. I've heard both schools of thought on sentence length for action scenes, in that short and punchy can look/feel pacier but they actually take longer to read than those that run-on a bit more. I've not really settled for either here though!
 
I noticed the run-on sentences and they did distract me. But a run-on sentence is not just a long sentence. A sentence can go on for hundreds of words and not be a run-on sentence. A run-on sentence is one where more than one sentence or a series of phrases are just mashed together into a single sentence without proper punctuation or necessary conjunctions to make it grammatically correct and flow smoothly. Since the reason the author has done this is often because doing things the right way would slow the scene down, usually the solution is to rewrite as shorter sentences, or even sentence fragments (which don't work in formal writing but can in fiction if not overdone, and can be especially effective in action scenes).

Also distracting for me were the POV glitches, like (as has been already pointed out) the color of his hair, which in that situation is the last thing he would be thinking about. (Unless you mean for him to be so extremely vain that he is worrying that the rock has disturbed the arrangement of his golden locks. But I do not think that is what you intend here.)
 
Superhuman ability? He's not your average boy but I've never tried to put a label to his abilities. They are consistent throughout but even in the first book, where Danny is discovering them for himself, you are left to work it out for yourself through his experiences - as he is. He's no superhero, it's subtle (I think/hope). The fulfilment of this hook/promise will come but there's not currently an opportunity to show it again in the opening scene. I guess that may be a little frustrating but hopefully it will entice people to read on.

Interesting concept. I did get the rough feel for his abilities throughout the piece - it was more hinting at it right at the start that threw me. Maybe have him think to himself something like "Whatever I can do should be enough to help me escape... I hope". That's the crap version, but I hope you get the general idea - use his fleeting thoughts to exposit the wider picture a little.

I think I suffer a bit form run-on sentences generally. I've heard both schools of thought on sentence length for action scenes, in that short and punchy can look/feel pacier but they actually take longer to read than those that run-on a bit more. I've not really settled for either here though!

Apart from Theresa said - I've heard that too about sentence length. I think most readers don't mind it taking longer to read as long as they're getting that extra clarity and feeling of speed from the short sentences. At the very least, I'd say go with the long sentences for most of it but switch to short for pivotal pieces of action i.e.

"Just before he reached the end, Danny swerved hard to the left and jumped high onto the end wall, running his feet up as he angled his body away, he sprang up and away towards the side wall. High out of reach of his pursuers, Danny’s momentum towards the wall afforded him a couple of strides to pass over their heads before gravity caught up. He landed on his feet, a hand finding the ground for balance and charged back down the street. He skipped easily round a half-hearted tackle from the lead man; shards from the bottle crunched under Danny’s feet and he winced as he saw blood escaping from the man’s mouth."

That's the pivotal moment he goes from cornered to escaped (albeit temporarily) - that's a good moment to change the tempo and use those short choppy sentences to punch home the drama.
 
Just to add to what has been said already, I found the freerunning paragraph (where he wall runs over his pursuers) to be tough to follow. Keep it a bit simpler maybe?

I think your first sentence could be cut right down to give the same information with more punch: "Danny sensed the rock hurtling towards his head."
 
Thanks for feedback. I've made some revisions which I will post to see whether they address the issues. I'm just letting them percolate for a bit before posting.
 
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