Hi all,
I'm trying out an alternative opening to my YA fantasy novel. It sorts out some POV issues for me and helps me cut about 4k words by starting in a different place. I'm happy to receive detailed critique but what I really want to know is whether this is engaging and hooky.
All thoughts welcomed as always.
Thanks,
PN
Rain drops spat and hissed as they struck the boy’s bare skin. His eyes snapped open to a web of jagged blue lines crackling in the dark and he heaved in a lungful of cold air as if it were his first.
Staggering on stiff legs, he slumped against an unyielding rock column. The crackling stopped and the rain no longer hissed on his skin as he walked his hands up the hot smooth surface to right himself.
He blinked water from his eyes and stepped into the impenetrable night. A burning smell flirted with his nostrils, before the soles of his feet found soft, wet grass. After a few tentative steps, a bolt of lightning ripped through the atmosphere with an ear-splitting crack and the boy fell as he leapt away from where it would strike the ground.
He glimpsed a tree line at the top of a slope and clambered towards the refuge from the downpour. The rain continued to pepper his skin but the accompanying thrum had gone, replaced by a disorientating ringing in his ears. He made the cover of the trees and walked on, not knowing where he was headed.
The cold of the night began to invade his body and he rubbed his goose-bumped flesh to no avail. Involuntary twitches rippled round his body, he had to find shelter and quickly. Adrenalin forced his stiffening limbs into a jog and an ember of warmth returned to his body, extending his shuffling gait into a run. Outlines of trees and bushes leaped out of the dark, fleetingly illuminated by flashes of lightning as branches and undergrowth tore at his numb skin.
Desperation drove him on but it wasn’t enough to defeat the cold penetrating his muscles and joints, and he ground to a painful hobble. Scouring the way ahead, he spotted a glimmer of light peeking through the trees, rekindling his hope of escaping the storm. He struggled on; arms clutched to his chest as large globules of frigid water splattered on him from the canopy above.
As he left the shelter of the trees, he was battered by a fierce wind that almost toppled him over. Gusts tore painfully at his skin, as though bombarding him with a thousand icy shards and for a moment he contemplated returning to the numbing cold of the forest. But an innate desire to survive drove him on towards the soft pin pricks of light in the distance, one painful footstep after another.
A flash of lightning lit up a large stone edifice, flanked by tall buttressing towers with domed roofs; ominous and uninviting through the murk of the downpour. A clap of thunder broke overhead, disrupting the unrelenting din of the storm and the boy ducked as if to avoid it.
Uninviting or not, it was his only chance and he broke into a short shuffling run once more, gritting his teeth against the cold. But he could not escape its icy grip. Running turned into plodding and, as the boy’s body began to shut down, it became an effort of will to drag one foot in front of the other. He shook violently; the promise of warmth and shelter beyond his reach.
The sickening sorrow of death was beginning to build in his stomach when two men strode out of the gloom. They were waving and shouting but the boy couldn’t hear their words and sunk to his knees, unable to stand any longer. They leaned heavily on staffs as they made for him and for a moment fear gripped him uselessly. He was powerless to defend himself.
The larger of the two, all beard and shaggy hair, swept a large animal skin round his shoulders that cut out the biting wind. He hooked a powerful arm around the boy’s waist and hoisted him half off his feet.
The boy let himself be whisked along; he had little choice and the world began to blur as his energy waned. He thought he heard a scream and became vaguely conscious that their progress through the storm had ceased. He no longer cared.
I'm trying out an alternative opening to my YA fantasy novel. It sorts out some POV issues for me and helps me cut about 4k words by starting in a different place. I'm happy to receive detailed critique but what I really want to know is whether this is engaging and hooky.
All thoughts welcomed as always.
Thanks,
PN
Rain drops spat and hissed as they struck the boy’s bare skin. His eyes snapped open to a web of jagged blue lines crackling in the dark and he heaved in a lungful of cold air as if it were his first.
Staggering on stiff legs, he slumped against an unyielding rock column. The crackling stopped and the rain no longer hissed on his skin as he walked his hands up the hot smooth surface to right himself.
He blinked water from his eyes and stepped into the impenetrable night. A burning smell flirted with his nostrils, before the soles of his feet found soft, wet grass. After a few tentative steps, a bolt of lightning ripped through the atmosphere with an ear-splitting crack and the boy fell as he leapt away from where it would strike the ground.
He glimpsed a tree line at the top of a slope and clambered towards the refuge from the downpour. The rain continued to pepper his skin but the accompanying thrum had gone, replaced by a disorientating ringing in his ears. He made the cover of the trees and walked on, not knowing where he was headed.
The cold of the night began to invade his body and he rubbed his goose-bumped flesh to no avail. Involuntary twitches rippled round his body, he had to find shelter and quickly. Adrenalin forced his stiffening limbs into a jog and an ember of warmth returned to his body, extending his shuffling gait into a run. Outlines of trees and bushes leaped out of the dark, fleetingly illuminated by flashes of lightning as branches and undergrowth tore at his numb skin.
Desperation drove him on but it wasn’t enough to defeat the cold penetrating his muscles and joints, and he ground to a painful hobble. Scouring the way ahead, he spotted a glimmer of light peeking through the trees, rekindling his hope of escaping the storm. He struggled on; arms clutched to his chest as large globules of frigid water splattered on him from the canopy above.
As he left the shelter of the trees, he was battered by a fierce wind that almost toppled him over. Gusts tore painfully at his skin, as though bombarding him with a thousand icy shards and for a moment he contemplated returning to the numbing cold of the forest. But an innate desire to survive drove him on towards the soft pin pricks of light in the distance, one painful footstep after another.
A flash of lightning lit up a large stone edifice, flanked by tall buttressing towers with domed roofs; ominous and uninviting through the murk of the downpour. A clap of thunder broke overhead, disrupting the unrelenting din of the storm and the boy ducked as if to avoid it.
Uninviting or not, it was his only chance and he broke into a short shuffling run once more, gritting his teeth against the cold. But he could not escape its icy grip. Running turned into plodding and, as the boy’s body began to shut down, it became an effort of will to drag one foot in front of the other. He shook violently; the promise of warmth and shelter beyond his reach.
The sickening sorrow of death was beginning to build in his stomach when two men strode out of the gloom. They were waving and shouting but the boy couldn’t hear their words and sunk to his knees, unable to stand any longer. They leaned heavily on staffs as they made for him and for a moment fear gripped him uselessly. He was powerless to defend himself.
The larger of the two, all beard and shaggy hair, swept a large animal skin round his shoulders that cut out the biting wind. He hooked a powerful arm around the boy’s waist and hoisted him half off his feet.
The boy let himself be whisked along; he had little choice and the world began to blur as his energy waned. He thought he heard a scream and became vaguely conscious that their progress through the storm had ceased. He no longer cared.
) reason he can't be named?
