SEPTEMBER 2019 75-word Writing Challenge -- VICTORY TO NIXIE!

[Ursa major]

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RULES:

Write a story inspired by the chosen theme and genre in no more than 75 words, not including the title

ONE entry per person


NO links, commentary or extraneous material in the posts, please -- the stories must stand on their own



WHEN WRITING YOUR STORY, PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A FAMILY-FRIENDLY FORUM


All stories Copyright 2019 by their respective authors
who grant the Chronicles Network the non-exclusive right to publish them here


The complete rules can be found at RULES FOR THE WRITING CHALLENGES


Contest ends at 11:59 pm GMT, September 23 2019

Voting ends at 11:59 pm GMT, September 28 2019


You do not have to submit a story in order to vote --
in fact, we encourage all Chrons members to take part in choosing a winner


The Magnificent Prize:

The Dignified Congratulations/Grovelling Admiration of Your Peers
and the challenge of choosing next month's theme and genre



Theme:

First Alien Contact

Genre:

Black Comedy / Dark Humour



This thread to be used for entries only
Please keep all comments to the DISCUSSION THREAD


We invite (and indeed hope for) lively discussion and speculation about the stories as they are posted, as long as it doesn't involve the author explaining the plot


** Please do not use the "Like" button in this thread! **​

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[Cat's Cradle]

Space: Now with Free HBO

The Earthship Interstellar Ambassador sits in deep space, confronted by the Starship Enterprise.

“Weird,” says Ambassador Núñez to Captain Karlsson.

On their viewscreen, an orangish, gelatinous Captain Kirk speaks. “To boldly go where no man has gone–”

Jellied Ash continues, “–I can’t lie about your chances, but you’ve my sympathies.”

“You shall not pass!” cries gelatin Gandalf.

The screen freezes.

“They’ve intercepted old broadcasts.”

“Clearly, Ambassador, but look closely – I think that’s really William Shatner.”

 

[Cathbad]

Dinner Guests


“A pleasure,” the Captain greeted the aliens. “Welcome aboard, ma’am!”

“They have tentacles!” Ensign Parker whispered.

“Shh!” Lieutenant Shapiro hissed.

“But they’re slimy!”

“Not now!”

“Please,” the Captain continued, “Commander Clinton will lead the way.”

When they were out of sight, he rounded on the young Ensign “What is the matter with you? This is First Contact!”

“But sir, they look nasty! Are you sure they’re edible?”

The Captain sighed. “We can only hope, Ensign.”

 

[Ashleyne]

SKIBBY AND JOODER’S SQUISHY SITUATION


“Jooder, brace yourself. We’re coming in hot”, said Skibby. Her ship landed with a dull crack and a squish. “Well, that was disappointing.”

“Speak for yourself”, said Jooder. “My back can’t take another crash landing. Hmmm. According to the computer, we’re in something’s brain.”

“Any visuals?”

“Three living life forms”, said Jooder. “Two boys and an adult woman.”

“Are they acting dangerous?”

“I don’t think so. They appear to be urinating from their vision sensors.”

 

[Luiglin]

Prime Directive?

The vessel landed with gouts of steam, metal struts sinking deep into the meadow. From within stepped a figure, hooded and cloaked, to approach the silent watchers.

It cast back the hood to reveal logical features and pointed ears. Hand raised; fingers spread in greeting.

“Live long—”

First and last contact made with a wet thunk. The troll shouldered his mace and grinned.

“Thank you, Norman. Damn elves, they get everywhere,” said the Dark Lord.

 

[Daysman]

Terms of Office

"That just leaves first contact protocols, Mr President."

The new man looked dumbfounded. "You're kidding?"

"A few documents to read and sign." The aide pointed to a box on the tablet screen.

"What's this about a cerebral implant?"

"Well, our friends made contact some years back, agreed we could all get along, so long as world leaders were kinda restrained? It ain't no worse than being monitored online… Sir? You can't… why'd you all run?"

 

[elvet]

What a Sight to See

Worldwide, people’s eyes were glued to their screens watching the alien’s arrival. Awe rapidly gave way to smirks and giggles as it flew into view.
It resembled a featherless bird, with stubby wings and pigeon toed feet. About a meter tall, its face was dominated by a single round lens. Even its
lavender skin couldn’t distract from the ridiculous horn protruding from the top of its head.
Social media exploded! One eyed, horned, flying, purple.............

 

[mosaix]

An Alien Walks Into A Bar...

“Woah!” said the barman eyeing up the four eyes, five legs and six tentacles.

“I need a job.”

“You speak English?!”

“Sure. We've been monitoring you lot for ages. Anyway, I've crash landed and need money for spares.”

“Well, my brother owns a circus. I could get you a job there.”

“You sure about this?”

“Definitely.”

“Well, all right. But I don't see what a circus would want with a Death Star Technician First Class.”

 

[Peter V]

Love at First Sight.

“Apparently the reason you have fallen for the Altairan Ambassador is due to powerful pheromones Mr President, sir. They did not expect them to affect humans so made no precautions for first contact.” Presidential aide Smithson looked embarrassed.

“I don’t care. I just want to be with her forever. To have children and grow old.”

“They warned us it’s a permanent bond. Surgery is arranged for tomorrow sir.”

“Surgery?”

“Altairan males gestate the egg, sir.”

 

[Dr_R_Dizzle]

You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company!

"Greetings, Earthlings!", cried the Yxili Emperor as he stepped from the mothership. "We have traveled for many millennia to meet you, the only other intelligent life in the universe. We come with the intent of sharing knowledge, calling forth a new age of previously unthinkable prosperity."

The cockroach blinked twice before scurrying away.

"How strange," said the Yxili Head Scientist. "All those thermonuclear energy spikes indicated creatures that would at least be capable of communication".

 

[Elckerlyc]

Breaking News

On his third voyage explorer Roberto Muffett made history by becoming the first human to make contact with an alien race. It was his finest – and final - moment.

The events were recorded by his ship, which, sensing Muffett’s demise, hurriedly lifted off to space and safety, diligently transmitting the footage homewards.

But no human eye ever saw. Thanks to their FTL spaceships the aliens had beaten the news. They had fed and left.

 

[Karn's Return]

Averted​

“So this is Earth…interesting…” He walked down the street, his eyes almost straining out of his head. “Low levels of technology…lots of their dominant species packed into tight areas…I think this will do.” He turned down a street before letting out a yelp and running away.

“Abort mission! Abort mission! These…Earthlings…they keep their children on control ropes!”

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

The Liberators

To our human friends in the Saharan and Antarctic refugee camps:

We Sirians vow to expel the Antarean invaders from your formerly green and peaceful world. After a few short centuries, you will have the exciting opportunity to restore a vast radioactive wasteland. Our billions of occupying forces will aid you, as will your improved health, brought about by intensive physical labor and a reduced calorie diet.

Don't thank us. We're just doing our job.

 

[Stable]

I'm so ashamed.​

“No, there’s no way. I just can’t do it.”

“You’re saying that you can see these starving aliens…”

“Yep.”

“You’ve deduced, in a frankly astounding display of scientific genius, that they can metabolise simple carbohydrates…”

“Yes.”

“And you know that you’re carrying a source of said carbohydrates…”

“Indeed.”

“Yet you won’t give it to them?”

“It would be wrong.”

“Why?”

“Well, they’re aliens, and…”

“And what?”

“It’s a Mars bar.”

 

[Justin Swanton]

The Gods Have Descended Among Us​

The High Priest bowed. "Behold your servants ready to work for your glory."

"That's not..."

Ameed leaned across. "Be diplomatic."

Pir hemmed. "...very well. Ummm....build a platform of stone blocks. Build a smaller platform on top. And so on. That should keep you busy."

"And what shall we call this monument, gods of heaven?"

"...the 'Ameed-Pir.' No...that's clumsy."

The High Priest raised a hand. "My Lords, what if your names were the other way round?"

 

[J.C. Scoberg]

Me too.

Barry Treasure smiled. Today's show - "I've been probed more times than a colonic-hypochondriac" - was another classic.

Barry chuckled, remembering one of his jokes. Nothing beat the feeling of verbally mauling his half witted guests.

The dressing room door creaked opened.

"Who's -" Barry turned around. "Alan? Er - look ... everything I said, it's just for the cameras -"

Alan the Alien's human visage crumbled away, revealing a thin, tendrilled thing holding a long, cylindrical ...

"Ah f-"

 

[Ian Fortytwo]

Bone Heads of Earth.

The spaceship landed and two humanoids exited. Two humans wielding clubs lunged forward, however they never reached their target.

"These people are very aggressive," said one of the humanoid's.

"Yes," replied the other one, "perhaps we should destroy this third planet from the sun."

"Yes, as soon as we leave this planet's atmosphere," said the first, "they'll probably would have destroyed themselves sometime in the future."

Laughter echoed through the world one last time.

 

[Starbeast]

Captured From Earth & Spared From the Menu​

A werewolf captain was thrown into a star ship's bulkhead. "Damnation! You have the strength of ten men."

"I'm, no ordinary man. Tremble, as you behold, Mr Hyde!"

"Bah! I'll rip out your heart!."

"Careful. I've killed hundreds of people."

"Hah! A kindred spirit. Welcome aboard my ship. Let's share a wine bottle. A toast, to a long friendship."

"Happy Halloween."

"Halloween?"

"It's a time when people become the monsters they want to be."

Laughs

 

[scarpelius]

If they pay...

Dido couldn't decide on the sex of the slim guy in front of him, but he could deliver pleasure to anyone.
"We Altair... you best."
"I am."
The alien unbuttoned his clothes. "Do your thing!"
The large opening under his belly could not be mistaken even if he didn't see any Altarian before.
"Arghhhh". The alien left satisfied.
"I guess, having the mouth close to stomach is more efficient," mumbled Dido the Chef.

 

[Tywin]

The Peaceable Species

We of the enlightened council were delighted to welcome the visitors.

New to spacefaring, it was fascinating that such a race could reach this level of development.

Bipedal, with middling intelligence and no natural defenses – their advancement could only have come through supreme cooperation and peaceable outlook.

The council was anxious to ensure they were well provisioned and protected.

We happily shared our military technology with them, sure that such creatures would not abuse it.