The Great Displacement Chapter 1 or 2? (1028 words)

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John J. Falco
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This is something that I have written for my WIP. As mentioned before I currently have this as chapter 2 with a prologue and a chapter 1 before this. However, I do feel as though I can cut out both of chapter one and the prologue and just start with this. What do you all think?

The crisp autumn breeze nipped at her nose as she stood there facing the cameras. It was 3:00 PM on a Monday afternoon and everything was going as routine as it possibly could. The convicted killer in the other room, still couldn’t be executed. All the TVs and internet streamers in the country were split screened on her and on the mass murderer, who in another timeline might have been described as having been from Asia with movie star looks. He was resting soundly with a smirk on his face, in the chair where he was supposed to have been killed at 10 AM in the morning. His grey bangs dangling across his eyebrows as tax-paid AC blew across his face.

Cheering broke out from the other side of the glass as another instance, this time a bloody blow to the neck with a guillotine failed to kill him. The clang of the blade stopped just inches from his spinal cord, before shattering into a million pieces. The blood and the scar quickly reversed and vanished as if nothing ever happened. John Yang still strapped into the chair tried to make a presentable trolling motion with his muscular arms, but the restraints only made it possible for him to flip the bird.

Social Media was going bonkers and some more right on the money than not if you followed their long convoluted threads about ethics in a world where thirty was the new sixty and normal was completely out of whack. To their followers it made perfect sense that John Yang was still alive five hours past-due, with the year they’ve all experienced, why the hell not? Though the leading theory seemed to be, that John Yang was simply just invincible. Not unlike the superheroes from the comics. Which was even more exciting to those who adapted the fractured timeline theory post-Great Displacement. Nobody was asking if he was tired by the 245th attempt. In fact, by the 600th attempt he was not only loving it but was finding new ways to embrace it! Talking in gibberish tongues and daring the poor executioners to try just one more time egging her on saying, “It’s OK, sweetie, I’m sure the next one will get me.”

With his God-like status nearing complete and the wild accusations in the media were not going unnoticed by the White House or the general public, “Is John Yang Invincible? Convicted Killer Can’t Be Killed,” said the NY Post “Post-Great Displacement: Justice Completely Fails,” said the Washington Post and “Justice For Yang!” Fox News lauded. Some of these were the news chyrons that appeared to the people who still opted to have smartphones in the age of Wilson Technologies’ neural-links.

The more old-school news producers were scrolling through their phones analyzing any new piece of data that came in, while Allison was preparing for Yang to come out of the building. A white bathrobe hung down to his knees as he slowly made his way to freedom. They couldn’t have asked for a more messianic image if they had pinned a halo permanently above his head. He was greeted by the gaggle as such.

“John Yang, do you regret your crimes?” a reporter from CNN was the first to ask the question as he appeared out of the exit. Making his way to the podium John Yang centered himself, his head just level with Allison’s. As she looked on she could see John Yang scanning the room like a cold hard assassin looking for his next target. He simply said, “No.”

“Then you must be pleased with the—what?” the reporter looked shell shocked, something he was known for never being. The experienced white haired journalist blinked numerous times, and it seemed like he was just waiting for an excuse to wake up from this nightmare they were all living in.

Yang didn’t flinch as he offered a not so satisfying answer to those who lost their children in the massacre. “They had it coming.” Someone in the press gaggle in front of Allison gasped, but many were just as transfixed as the reporter from CNN. Yang had them eating out of the palm of his heads. In that moment the world had forgotten all about the children, all gunned down before first period. Now, it was all about John Yang.

The White House was roaring with laughter and Allison could hear this through her earpiece as she tried to adjust her position next to Yang which was beginning to get pretty uncomfortable. But she couldn’t let her superiors know that. Not yet. She stood in the middle of her stage, swallowed whatever pride she had left and did it. She gave them the soundbite that they wanted. The soundbites that they yearned for. The chaos that they craved. All while looking great in a knee length skirt and louboutin heels. “It is the official White House position that if John Yang cannot be killed, then he should be pardoned for all crimes and sue the State of New York for personal damages. You all know that since the Great Displacement it has been mostly animals that fail to conform to what we know as reality, but Mr. Yang is, is a special case. He is the first human to be affected by the phenomenon in a, shall we say, positive way. Mr. Yang should have the right to defend himself as he sees fit.”

“What the hell Allison? Is this true? You can’t be serious!” Shouts from the other reporters were making her ears ring. The crowd got restless. Displeasure echoed across the political spectrum but outrage had subsided hours ago.

He was guilty. Of course he was! The evidence of the cult leader was overwhelming against him and it was mounting and mounting every day. They showed the jury video evidence, flight tracking logs, manifestos, emails, letters, text messages, voicemails, financial statements, and receipts from gun stores! To any one not in his cult, John Yang was the lowest form of life imaginable. A killer of school kids belonging to suburban families. Everything the media grabbed on and, usually sensationalized. Except this time...
 
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First off - I don't like prologues - either chapterise it or get rid IMO. I've oly ever read 2 prologues that helped. Those that go back start 200 years before the actual timeline drive me mad and should be included in the main text in small lumps. Hey we all have our pet hates. However, in this case the prologue could help explain the Great Displacement. It comes across as a exodus like event - which it isn't. Also he shouldn't be the only one with strange power IMO. What are the chances the first human to have these powers would be a serial killer.

Please see comments in the quote :-


This is something that I have written for my WIP. As mentioned before I currently have this as chapter 2 with a prologue and a chapter 1 before this. However, I do feel as though I can cut out both of chapter one and the prologue and just start with this. What do you all think?

The crisp autumn breeze nipped at her nose
(gave the inpression of early morning to me - the 3:00 also tends to mislead imo) as she stood there facing the cameras (facing the to what end - it's a long time before she says anything if in fact she does) . It was 3:00 PM on a Monday afternoon and everything was going as routine as it possibly could. The convicted killer in the other room, still couldn’t be executed. All the TVs and internet streamers in the country were split screened on her and on the mass murderer, who in another timeline (??) might have been described as having been from Asia with movie star looks. He was resting soundly with a smirk on his face, in the chair where he was supposed to have been killed at 10 AM in the morning. His grey bangs (bangs? - I believe those on death row are not allowed personal hair choices) dangling across his eyebrows as tax-paid AC blew across his face.

Cheering broke out from the other side of the glass as another instance, this time a bloody blow to the neck with a guillotine
(axe - a guilotine is not a chair relaxing situation - also not a US execution method) failed to kill him. The clang of the blade stopped just inches from his spinal cord, before shattering into a million (seems excessive) pieces. The blood and the scar quickly (the blade stopped inches before so why the scars etc.) reversed and vanished as if nothing ever happened. John Yang still strapped into the chair tried to make a presentable trolling motion with his muscular arms, but the restraints only made it possible for him to flip the bird. (trolling and bird flipping ?)

Social Media was going bonkers and some more right on the money than not if you followed their long convoluted threads about ethics in a world where thirty was the new sixty and normal was completely out of whack. To their
(his?) followers it made perfect sense that John Yang was still alive five hours past-due, with the year they’ve all experienced, why the hell not? Though the leading theory seemed to be, that John Yang was simply just invincible (invunerruble). Not unlike the superheroes from the comics. Which was even more exciting to those who adapted the fractured timeline theory post-Great Displacement. Nobody was asking if he was tired by the 245th attempt. In fact, by the 600th attempt he was not only loving it but was finding new ways to embrace it! Talking in gibberish tongues and daring the poor executioners to try just one more time egging her on saying, “It’s OK, sweetie, I’m sure the next one will get me.” (too many attempts - not enough time available - tone it down imo - isn't there some rule that says after three attemps the execution is stopped - as an act of god?)

With his God-like status nearing complete (tion) and the wild accusations in the media were not going unnoticed by the White House or the general public, “Is John Yang Invincible? Convicted Killer Can’t Be Killed,” said the NY Post “Post-Great Displacement: Justice Completely Fails,” said the Washington Post and “Justice For Yang!” Fox News lauded. Some of these were the news chyrons that appeared to the people who still opted to have smartphones in the age of Wilson Technologies’ neural-links.

The more old-school news producers were scrolling through their phones analyzing any new piece of data that came in, while Allison was preparing for Yang to come out of the building. A white bathrobe hung down to his knees as he slowly made his way to freedom. They couldn’t have asked for a more messianic image if they had pinned a halo permanently above his head. He was greeted by the gaggle as such.

“John Yang, do you regret your crimes?” a reporter from CNN was the first to ask the question as he appeared out of the exit. Making his way to the podium John Yang centered himself, his head just level with Allison’s. As she looked on she could see John Yang scanning the room like a cold hard assassin looking for his next target. He simply said, “No.”

“Then you must be pleased with the—what?” the reporter looked shell shocked, something he was known for never being. The experienced white haired journalist blinked numerous times, and it seemed like he was just waiting for an excuse to wake up from this nightmare they were all living in.

Yang didn’t flinch as he offered a not so satisfying answer to those who lost their children in the massacre. “They had it coming.” Someone in the press gaggle in front of Allison gasped, but many were just as transfixed as the reporter from CNN. Yang had them eating out of the palm of his heads (hands). In that moment the world had forgotten all about the children, all gunned down before first period. Now, it was all about John Yang.

The White House was roaring with laughter and Allison could hear this through her earpiece as she tried to adjust her position next to Yang which was beginning to get pretty uncomfortable. But she couldn’t let her superiors know that. Not yet. She stood in the middle of her stage, swallowed whatever pride she had left and did it. She gave them the soundbite that they wanted. The soundbites that they yearned for. The chaos that they craved. All while looking great in a knee length skirt and louboutin heels. “It is the official White House position that if John Yang cannot be killed, then he should be pardoned for all crimes and sue the State of New York for personal damages. You all know that since the Great Displacement it has been mostly animals that fail to conform to what we know as reality, but Mr. Yang is, is a special case. He is the first human to be affected by the phenomenon in a, shall we say, positive way. Mr. Yang should have the right to defend himself as he sees fit.”
(confusing imo)

“What the hell Allison? Is this true? You can’t be serious!” Shouts from the other reporters were making her ears ring. The crowd got restless (they were cheering before). Displeasure echoed across the political spectrum but outrage had subsided hours ago - (unconnected info and hours shrunk to a sentence).

He was guilty. Of course he was! The evidence of the cult leader was overwhelming against him and it was mounting and mounting every day. They showed the jury video evidence, flight tracking logs, manifestos, emails, letters, text messages, voicemails, financial statements, and receipts from gun stores! To any one not in his cult, John Yang was the lowest form of life imaginable. A killer of school kids belonging to suburban families. Everything the media grabbed on and, usually sensationalized. Except this time...


Now.. I like the concept of the killer that can't be executed and your descriptions are very invocotive, but it all seems rushed and unconnected. More scene setting time would help (and I don't normally like too much info dump) but here you have a crowd scene with minimal crowd reaction. She's been stood there for several hours and doesn't appear to comment on anything - no speculation which as a TV commentator would be hard to resist - no interviews with the crowd, the govenor the prison guards which I think would make for a more dynamic and atmospheric situation.

Going forward I can see lots of potential and I'd be interested in how you develop it.

Hope I helped

Tein
 
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I liked this idea as a whole; though I still find a bunch of holes.

First though there is an issue of interrupting the narrative to show off his waving bangs and eyebrows and her shoes and dress. Things like this can be done; however you need to find a way to make their introduction sound relevant to the story and this story could exist and probably go smoother without the interruption. I know this sounds like a nitpick; however there has to be an internal flow to the story that naturally introduces these descriptive elements in such a way that they seem to be a part of the story and they don't do that here.

On the issue of execution and sentencing and imprisonment.
I've little issue with the number attempts to execute--in fact, it is clearly accepted that if an execution fails that doesn't mean they have to stop. Of course usually it only takes one more attempt. However even if you stop, for whatever excuse, that doesn't mean you just let the person go; unless they have done away with prisons. After all he didn't die and come back to life. so he hasn't served out the sentence.

This comes off as a plot device meant to throw our antagonist out into the public where he will obviously commit mayhem once again.

Not discounting that this may be the way this world works; I'm just unconvinced.

There doesn't seem much emotion or character involvement here(not much of the five senses)and I'm not sure how much it would help. If the narration is close to her and even if she is the executioner who might try to stay aloof--it seems she might have some strong reaction to what is happening here.

One other thing if the she at the top is Allison--it might be a good idea to lead with her name.

That's just my oppinion and my two cents....
 
On the issue of execution and sentencing and imprisonment.
I've little issue with the number attempts to execute--in fact, it is clearly accepted that if an execution fails that doesn't mean they have to stop. Of course usually it only takes one more attempt. However even if you stop, for whatever excuse, that doesn't mean you just let the person go; unless they have done away with prisons. After all he didn't die and come back to life. so he hasn't served out the sentence.

This comes off as a plot device meant to throw our antagonist out into the public where he will obviously commit mayhem once again.

Not discounting that this may be the way this world works; I'm just unconvinced.

Good points, thank you. The main character is a cult leader with essentially a lot of political connections. Obviously you hear the White House people in the background laughing at the public plebs who are falling for some type of nefarious agenda they have in regards to Mr. Yang. So your concerns about why someone would just pardon John Yang will be addressed.

As I mentioned before, this is actually the lowest point in his quest for power and is also his first real exposure on the national stage. The larger point is that this takes place in a sort of dystopian world (even though people think it's paradise) where some mysterious event called the Great Displacement happened. The aftermath of that event, and how it affects the country fuels the main journey's of John Yang and Allison Smith. She's been fine defending the administration (dealing with the chaos and the event) until she can't take it anymore. John Yang is her last straw. She plans to resign after she pardons him. The novel I think takes places in mid-21st century.
 
I'm finding it a little odd to think that the government would let John Yang go free of consequences, despite the fact that he literally appears to be immortal. Did they try poison? Whatever is protecting him from blades and things, does it protect him from bad food? Alternatively, are they able to starve him to death (unlikely as it seems they would try)? Unless they're absolutely constrained by legal procedure, it might be fun to see them try and get creative about this....

Is it simple regenerative ability on his part? Maybe it's just me, but from the description, I didn't actually understand what happened that prevent him from having his head chopped off every time. Six hundred attempts to kill him were mentioned--were those all done with axes, which all subsequently shattered?
 
I'm finding it a little odd to think that the government would let John Yang go free of consequences, despite the fact that he literally appears to be immortal. Did they try poison? Whatever is protecting him from blades and things, does it protect him from bad food? Alternatively, are they able to starve him to death (unlikely as it seems they would try)? Unless they're absolutely constrained by legal procedure, it might be fun to see them try and get creative about this....

Is it simple regenerative ability on his part? Maybe it's just me, but from the description, I didn't actually understand what happened that prevent him from having his head chopped off every time. Six hundred attempts to kill him were mentioned--were those all done with axes, which all subsequently shattered?

I would think that with 600 attempts the readers might be able to think of all different types of scenarios, but perhaps I need to add a few more different varieties! Your concern about the pardon will be addressed. This is only the first 1000 words after all.
 
Good points, thank you. The main character is a cult leader with essentially a lot of political connections. Obviously you hear the White House people in the background laughing at the public plebs who are falling for some type of nefarious agenda they have in regards to Mr. Yang. So your concerns about why someone would just pardon John Yang will be addressed.

As I mentioned before, this is actually the lowest point in his quest for power and is also his first real exposure on the national stage. The larger point is that this takes place in a sort of dystopian world (even though people think it's paradise) where some mysterious event called the Great Displacement happened. The aftermath of that event, and how it affects the country fuels the main journey's of John Yang and Allison Smith. She's been fine defending the administration (dealing with the chaos and the event) until she can't take it anymore. John Yang is her last straw. She plans to resign after she pardons him. The novel I think takes places in mid-21st century.

Okay, that explains some things. I didn't quite get why the White House was laughing.
 
It's a really cool concept, by the way. But (and you may have intended this) I'm not really seeing any emotion at all of this from Allison so far--frustration? Disgust? Sheer amazement? Confusion? Showing what the main character is feeling about a situation as it's happening does a lot to clue the reader in to what they are seeing, at least for me. Although she does show some emotional reaction to what's happening towards the end, which is nice. Is that the intended effect?
 
It's a really cool concept, by the way. But (and you may have intended this) I'm not really seeing any emotion at all of this from Allison so far--frustration? Disgust? Sheer amazement? Confusion? Showing what the main character is feeling about a situation as it's happening does a lot to clue the reader in to what they are seeing, at least for me. Although she does show some emotional reaction to what's happening towards the end, which is nice. Is that the intended effect?

Thanks. I think what I tried to get across was that this is all her job. She's doing it whether she wants to or not. Whether she likes it or not. Whether she agrees with it or not. As the attempts at the killings go on and she receives her orders from her superiors she has had enough. She'll do this one last thing, but then she has to figure out why the White House is propping up a mass murderer.

I think it draws a lot of examples from real world politics. Political officials who are loyal to their side no matter what they support or do.
 
This is an interesting thought::
Thanks. I think what I tried to get across was that this is all her job. She's doing it whether she wants to or not. Whether she likes it or not. Whether she agrees with it or not. As the attempts at the killings go on and she receives her orders from her superiors she has had enough. She'll do this one last thing, but then she has to figure out why the White House is propping up a mass murderer.
Since it is, or seems to be, her POV it would seem--if she is an important character or not--that you could incorporate that internally to the POV and spice this up a bit while developing the character. All the outward signs can still seem indifferent; however how she really feels is important to this piece and I think you are doing a disservice by leaving it off(and having to explain it after the fact).
 
This is an interesting thought::

Since it is, or seems to be, her POV it would seem--if she is an important character or not--that you could incorporate that internally to the POV and spice this up a bit while developing the character. All the outward signs can still seem indifferent; however how she really feels is important to this piece and I think you are doing a disservice by leaving it off(and having to explain it after the fact).

Yup. As I was writing that explanation, I was thinking that there was a lot more I can flesh out here. So these 1000 words may have to have more meat added onto them.

The three main characters are Allison Smith, John Yang, and her father. I would say it's from her POV. She tells the story, the external battle has to do with her father's connection to John Yang and the Great Displacement. Though I think in expanding her internal struggle, she'd have to live up to the expectations of an absent father. That thought should be at the back of her mind in this scene/opening. Since you guys didn't even know her father has a role to play yet.
 
The crisp autumn breeze nipped at her nose as she stood there facing the cameras. It was 3:00 PM on a Monday afternoon and everything was going as routine as it possibly could. The convicted killer in the other room, still couldn’t be executed. All the TVs and internet streamers in the country were split screened on her and on the mass murderer, who in another timeline might have been described as having been from Asia with movie star looks. He was resting soundly with a smirk on his face, in the chair where he was supposed to have been killed at 10 AM in the morning. His grey bangs dangling across his eyebrows as tax-paid AC blew across his face. Some word choice things I don't love - 'tax-pad AC' is extremely awkward. 'The convicted killed in the room, still couldn't be executed' - remove the comma? Even if you do, it's still a bit off. The next sentence - You're using too many words to describe the scene, and not enough words on what might be more relevant/dramatic. I'm seeing a lot of descriptions without getting any feelings behind them, which makes much of this paragraph read flat. So, something like 'The whole world was watching us, a convicted killer and his executioner.' Something along those lines would probably be more powerful.

Cheering broke out from the other side of the glass as another instance, this time a bloody blow to the neck with a guillotine failed to kill him. The clang of the blade stopped just inches from his spinal cord, before shattering into a million pieces. The blood and the scar quickly reversed and vanished as if nothing ever happened. John Yang still strapped into the chair tried to make a presentable trolling motion with his muscular arms, but the restraints only made it possible for him to flip the bird. Instance in the first sentence is used poorly - better off with attempt or something akin. Next sentence. Spinal cord? I'm confused because I thought we were seeing his neck and head, not the spinal cord. 'Clang of the blade stopped' is extremely rough and needs to be rewritten. Third sentence - I'm quite confused. In the second sentence you say the guillotine stopped short of his neck, in the second you're saying he got bloodied. 'John Yang still strapped' is an awkward sentence structure - 'John Yang still sat strapped' would work better. 'presentable trolling motion' - I have no idea what that looks like. It doesn't resonate with me.

Social Media was going bonkers and some more right on the money than not if you followed their long convoluted threads about ethics in a world where thirty was the new sixty and normal was completely out of whack. To their followers it made perfect sense that John Yang was still alive five hours past-due, with the year they’ve all experienced, why the hell not? Though the leading theory seemed to be, that John Yang was simply just invincible. Not unlike the superheroes from the comics. Which was even more exciting to those who adapted the fractured timeline theory post-Great Displacement. Nobody was asking if he was tired by the 245th attempt. In fact, by the 600th attempt he was not only loving it but was finding new ways to embrace it! Talking in gibberish tongues and daring the poor executioners to try just one more time egging her on saying, “It’s OK, sweetie, I’m sure the next one will get me.”
First sentence - this caught me off guard. I don't feel that now is the time to go abstract, especially not when you're describing quite an enthralling scene. I think if you're going to do it you need to tie that to John in the first sentence. You could probably just start with the second sentence. 'The leading theory seemed to be that John Yang was invincible' - general rule, keep it simple. You're using extra words that unnecessarily gum up the prose. I would probably write out those numbers as text.

With his God-like status nearing complete and the wild accusations in the media were not going unnoticed by the White House or the general public, “Is John Yang Invincible? Convicted Killer Can’t Be Killed,” said the NY Post “Post-Great Displacement: Justice Completely Fails,” said the Washington Post and “Justice For Yang!” Fox News lauded. Some of these were the news chyrons that appeared to the people who still opted to have smartphones in the age of Wilson Technologies’ neural-links.
I'll just say, no government is going to continue to air an execution that isn't working and is inflaming the masses. It's unreasonable that this would continue as it is. I also don't think you should be using news sources that are real sources - it takes a person out of the immersion as this seems some sort of dystopian future. First sentence 'He was nearing god-like status...' the way you wrote this, you're implying that the government, that everyone sees him as godlike.

The more old-school news producers were scrolling through their phones analyzing any new piece of data that came in, while Allison was preparing for Yang to come out of the building. A white bathrobe hung down to his knees as he slowly made his way to freedom. They couldn’t have asked for a more messianic image if they had pinned a halo permanently above his head. He was greeted by the gaggle as such.
Once again, this is ultra sketch. No government would allow this. They'd lock it up and do illegal research on him or lock him in a secret high security prison.

“John Yang, do you regret your crimes?” a reporter from CNN was the first to ask the question as he appeared out of the exit. Making his way to the podium John Yang centered himself, his head just level with Allison’s. As she looked on she could see John Yang scanning the room like a cold hard assassin looking for his next target. He simply said, “No.”

“Then you must be pleased with the—what?” the reporter looked shell shocked, something he was known for never being. The experienced white haired journalist blinked numerous times, and it seemed like he was just waiting for an excuse to wake up from this nightmare they were all living in.
This response doesn't seem reasonable - I don't think a reporter would show that much visible shock. Anyways, I get what you're trying to do. You want to make it seem like even an experienced reporter could be shocked by the cold-heartedness of Yang, but I'm not getting that. It just feels awkward.

Yang didn’t flinch as he offered a not so satisfying answer to those who lost their children in the massacre. “They had it coming.” Someone in the press gaggle in front of Allison gasped, but many were just as transfixed as the reporter from CNN. Yang had them eating out of the palm of his heads. In that moment the world had forgotten all about the children, all gunned down before first period. Now, it was all about John Yang.
First time I've heard the expression 'palm of his heads'.

The White House was roaring with laughter and Allison could hear this through her earpiece as she tried to adjust her position next to Yang which was beginning to get pretty uncomfortable. But she couldn’t let her superiors know that. Not yet. She stood in the middle of her stage, swallowed whatever pride she had left and did it. She gave them the soundbite that they wanted. The soundbites that they yearned for. The chaos that they craved. All while looking great in a knee length skirt and louboutin heels. “It is the official White House position that if John Yang cannot be killed, then he should be pardoned for all crimes and sue the State of New York for personal damages. You all know that since the Great Displacement it has been mostly animals that fail to conform to what we know as reality, but Mr. Yang is, is a special case. He is the first human to be affected by the phenomenon in a, shall we say, positive way. Mr. Yang should have the right to defend himself as he sees fit.”
You make it sound like the white house is a person with how you word it. I like a good chunk of the middle of this. I think it's really insane that the white house would say something like that, but I'm willing to suspend belief - but you need a really good reason the white house would be like that later.

“What the hell Allison? Is this true? You can’t be serious!” Shouts from the other reporters were making her ears ring. The crowd got restless. Displeasure echoed across the political spectrum but outrage had subsided hours ago.
Political spectrum? How about across the room or something less abstract.

He was guilty. Of course he was! The evidence of the cult leader was overwhelming against him and it was mounting and mounting every day. They showed the jury video evidence, flight tracking logs, manifestos, emails, letters, text messages, voicemails, financial statements, and receipts from gun stores! To any one not in his cult, John Yang was the lowest form of life imaginable. A killer of school kids belonging to suburban families. Everything the media grabbed on and, usually sensationalized. Except this time...
This last paragraph really confuses me. John is obviously guilty. Why are people saying he isn't?

On the whole, I had a lot of trouble with the motivations and actions behind what was happening in this scene. There were a lot of cases of 'why would they ever do that?' and even suspending belief it was hard to swallow. Beyond that, you had many instances of extra words - in general your prose needs to be significantly cleaned up. My favorite part was the third to last paragraph, the middle section. That felt like there was suspense and I could feel the emotion in the MC. Otherwise, much of the details felt forced and I didn't feel much behind them.

I know it's probably not what you were looking for, but it's better to know what you need to fix than be blind to it. Good luck.
 
hi,
The way that you have described the man to die. The tool of his death to stop from doing this, He is spared, he should be killed that was why he was here. They (the newscrew) filming the death of him. They have seen him sit there. The tool failed. He should be freed fro that. They are waiting for him to die.
The reaction of the what is happening seems odd. You have been able to do this. You have botched us a good tale tor read, please continue on in this endeavor. Your story may prove to be very good.
 
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