Conveying Radio Traffic Dialogue...

[-K2-]

I would like to get your thoughts on an aspect which is laced throughout one of my manuscripts. That being, how to present radio traffic dialogue to the reader? I'll present what I have, and in some cases, options I'm considering. For varied reasons I'll keep (and note) what I have that works, knowing 'why' it applies to other aspects (using numbers vs. writing them--in most situations--as an example). In any case, opinions and suggestions would be appreciated.

I've read numerous police, fire and military logs, BUT, they tend to present it in a transcribed format which removes some of the initial contact protocols.
As an example from those transcripts:
Dispatch: Engine-14, proceed code-3 to 123 Bob Street.
Engine-14: Copy, enroute code-3 to 123 Bob Street.
In reality, that would sound like this:
"Engine-14, Central Dispatch--proceed code-3 to 1-2-3 Bob Street, over."
"Central Dispatch, Engine-14--copy. En-route, code-3, to 1-2-3 Bob Street, over."

In my MS, the reader ONLY sees radio traffic either from the protagonist, or to the protagonist and what she might overhear. It is always presented from her viewpoint only (though 3p). So, she is always speaking--and, all other traffic is what she hears, in HER head (ears). To that end, I thought it might be clever (see where the problem starts? ), to put the protagonist's responses as spoken dialogue, and all others' as thought.
Example (just dealing with that aspect first):
“Central Dispatch, 3-7-9... what’s this gate’s location?” Rokka-Kae queried Central.
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... you are still--at 14-C-16 heading south, over.’
“Copy Central... sound the siren four cycles, grid J-13, out.”
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... roger. Siren, grid 14-J-13, four cycles in 3, 2, 1, out.’

One part I'm going to exclude (because they're using a cellular service, not a radio, but, still try to follow protocol otherwise), are the initial alert and response messages. Anywho, for discussion, that 'would' read like this:
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379, over." (deleted)
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... go ahead.’ (deleted)
“Central Dispatch, 3-7-9... what’s this gate’s location?” Rokka-Kae queried Central.
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... you are still--at 14-C-16 heading south, over.’

The next aspect I'm really debating, is what to use as a separator between the initial call/recognition announcement and the actual message. The HUGE problem with this is I'm learning how to apply punctuation (better than what I have previously), and that makes it so what 'looks good' to my eye, doesn't really work according to proper punctuation rules. That gap in real life, is a brief pause, then responded to with the message.

The real issue is that pause or gap between the call/recognition identifier and the actual message. I'm positive that I want something more than a comma, but, not a period. Also, the force of the voice does not trail off, hard end (period), or change, it is just a very pronounced pause. Here are some options, none of which I believe are proper punctuation:
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379... what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379 ... what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379: what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379; what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379-- what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379--what’s my location? Over.”

Of the above, I will say that I like the 'look' due to the gap made by using an ellipsis or EM dash, but what each is actually used for doesn't apply (I think... *groan* )

Thoughts, opinions? Thanks for your input!

K2

 

[Elckerlyc]

As to the gap between identification and the actual message; The gap is there mainly as a means to audibly separate the 2 parts of the message, for clarity sake. Perhaps you needn't bother yourself too much with reflecting this in your text. A period or semicolon might do, simply because that's the function of these characters. They already clearly indicate what part is ID and what is message.
Too much stress on the pause might give the wrong impression that it was a prolonged pause, whereas in fact it is hardly noticeable.
If you worry about proper punctuation, isn't there anything in the rules about this kind of thing?
Just my 2p.

 

[DannMcGrew]

It's been a few years since I did a ride-along, but many police departments no longer use the 10 codes, choosing plain language instead. Nor are "over" and "out" used by police but they are used by military and for marine radio transmissions.

Here is an actual transcript from Minneapolis. Note the trascriber at the newspaper used a colon between identifier and message.

Dispatch: “Squad 530 to 5024 Washburn Avenue South. Female screaming behind the building.”

Officer: “530, uh, shots fired. Can we get EMS Code 3 Washburn and 51st Street? We got one down.”

Dispatch: “Copy. Shots fired at Washburn and 53rd Street. Correction 51st. Sergeant to acknowledge shots fired and one down at Washburn.”

Officer: “Copy”

Dispatch: “Copy 502”

Officer: “506 as well”

Dispatch: “Copy 506”


Officer: “530, I’m starting CPR.”

Dispatch: “Copy 530, starting CPR.”

Officer: “530, we’re north of the alleyway, 51st Street, Washburn even side.”

Dispatch: “Copy north of alley, 51st Street, even side. 5520 arrived (garbled). Squad 530 are you Code 4 for medical?”

Officer: “530 Code 4 for medical.”

Dispatch: 530 Code 4 for medical at 23:45.

Officer: 530, there are no suspects at large.

Dispatch: Copy 530, no suspects at large.

Officer: 520, where is EMS on this?

Dispatch: EMS is coming. Rescue is coming.

Officer: 502 they’re behind me at 53rd and Oliver.

Officer: Rescue’s arrived.

Officer: (garbled) “The next squad in, if they could block eastbound traffic at 51st and Xerxes. I have 51st and Washburn right here.

Officer: 521, we’ll be there.

Officer: (garbled) “I see the alley blocked off on the very north side, block 50th please.

Officer:502, I’m on scene.

Dispatch: Copy 502 on scene.

Officer: 5502 I’ll be arriving in a block.

Dispatch: 5502 arriving in a block.

Dispatch: "Information for 5th Precinct. Sergeant to acknowledge the sound of shots fired. 119 33rd Street West. Two shots heard from the east."

Officer: "541"

Dispatch: "541"

Officer: "We heard those sounds from the station. Those are probably aerial fireworks."

Dispatch: "Copy 541. Those shots are possibly aerial fireworks."

On the other had about the 10 codes, this is from Baltimore but was transcribed by a police scanner aficionado known as @suchaputz on Twitter and is lacking punctuation.

POLICE DISPATCH — About 4:42–4:43pm
Alright 31 be advised. I’m not sure what house we’re looking at but apparently there’s an armed person inside of, uh, Bennett Place.
Our information is from the rear alley. We don’t know if it’s from a house or in the alley.

180. Hold on a second. Everybody kind of calm down for a minute. Can you please get together [??] on the scene? Do not stand on Bennett Place. Or, do not [unintelligible] Bennett Place. Do not come down Bennett Place.

Charlie 14 do you have any crime scene tape.

180 give me the air. We do not know where these shots came from. We have officers in bad locations. Let’s everybody take cover somewhere. Okay? Get away from them windows, where you’re standing there at the mouth of that alley. Because we don’t know where the shots came from. Everybody get covered until we figure this out please.

Foxtrot [helicopters]. If you can do me a favor when you get here — Or, I think it’s NPA police helicopters, whoever that is above us. Please give us an idea of where we can set up. Because we can’t see. We have too many people close.

Krauss, did you see any casings in that alley.

KRAUSS: Nobody’s been in the alley yet.
Nobody’s been in the alley yet.
Krauss, we’re gonna need the top end of Schroder blocked off. It’s gonna be in the rear alley. Bennett place and Schroeder.
Edmonson and block off Schroeder southbound.
31 to Krauss
Standby
46 standby
Did you see any casings where you were in the alley?
10–47. Somebody say there is a possible weapon right here though.
Officers gun and officer’s radio is back there.
10–9

 

[-K2-]

As to the gap between identification and the actual message; The gap is there mainly as a means to audibly separate the 2 parts of the message, for clarity sake. Perhaps you needn't bother yourself too much with reflecting this in your text. A period or semicolon might do, simply because that's the function of these characters. They already clearly indicate what part is ID and what is message.
Too much stress on the pause might give the wrong impression that it was a prolonged pause, whereas in fact it is hardly noticeable.
If you worry about proper punctuation, isn't there anything in the rules about this kind of thing?
Just my 2p.

Yes, I agree, but... The reason I prefer something a bit more pronounced is that it breaks up the fluidity as compared to normal dialogue or narration. IOW, having a more rigid or technical appearance, makes it obvious that something is different about this dialogue, at a glance. That hopefully will cause the reader to think 'radio communications,' and apply to that all they imagine, each time they see it thereafter.

As to a rule. I'm not skilled enough yet to be sure which would apply. Definitely not the ellipses as I've been using. Perhaps a semicolon or the EM dash (as shown in the last example). But, I'm not sure.

Thanks for your help!

K2

 

[-K2-]

@DannMcGrew ; yes, that's like most 'transcriptions' I have seen. But, in actual use where multiple stations are on the same frequency, an alert (who your contacting) followed by an identifier (who you are), precedes the message, AND, a message termination call, like over, out, end, is also used to state you have finished sending (which doesn't apply to my situation (using cellular), but, being 'near future' I want old habits not yet dead).

In any case, again, those are transcripts. I'm trying to make it feel to the reader like they're overhearing the conversation-- and will hopefully infer in all the effects.

Thanks for the response and logs!

K2

 

[Phyrebrat]

Stephen King does this in From a Buick 8. I had a look but my copy seems to have legs so I’m afraid I can’t give an example atm.

pH

 

[-K2-]

Stephen King does this in From a Buick 8. I had a look but my copy seems to have legs so I’m afraid I can’t give an example atm.

I just checked that out at your suggestion. Thanks for chiming in, but that is exactly what I want to avoid. You can guess that it's traffic from a word here or there (though often not), but nothing makes it stand out from any other dialogue.

Thanks for your help. Examples like the above (perhaps wrongly), fixes my desire to do this even more. So it is equally helpful. I'm not trying to be different, I just know how i want it to impact the reader.

K2

 

[DannMcGrew]

K2, I'm trying but I'm not understanding what this is supposed to look like/sound like or what is going on. Lead me through it, or let me try to picture this. Rokka is driving down the road (flying her skimmer, whatever). A dispatcher wants her to proceed to Bob Street. Now I get confused. Does Rokka need dispatch to tell her her own location? Does dispatch want Rokka to tell him her location? What the heck is a gate? Is Rokka a gate? I'm asking only because I can't discuss the form of the dialog until I get this straight in my head. I think I have an idea how to do what you want but when I tried writing it myself, I found I was lost.

 

[-K2-]

@DannMcGrew ; in brief (yeah, like I could ever do that ), this takes place in Philadelphia, near future. She walks everywhere unless in custody. A new 'grid system' is in place for location (GPS does not work, and old mapping systems were disregarded); Rokka-Kae--like most people--know specific areas, but in general view location as 'here,' nothing more. She has the advantage of knowing the mapping system and can communicate with people tracking her.

All of Philadelphia and throughout CASE/Case City (5,400 sq.mi.) is filled with segregating walls which you pass through via "gates." CASE = Consolidated America Sanctuary East. The majority of the U.S., Canadian, Caribbean, Mexican and Central American populations (417 million) reside in that tiny area.

The population density of 'what remains' of South Philly (prev. 14.7 now 1.2 sq.mi.) is 833,000/sq.mi..

For Rokka-Kae, the protagonist, to do her job, she at times needs to know her location or request certain forms of assistance from various governing units. Her location is the most minimal aspect of it.

K2

 

[DannMcGrew]

@DannMcGrew ; in brief (yeah, like I could ever do that ), this takes place in Philadelphia, near future. She walks everywhere unless in custody. A new 'grid system' is in place for location (GPS does not work, and old mapping systems were disregarded); Rokka-Kae--like most people--know specific areas, but in general view location as 'here,' nothing more. She has the advantage of knowing the mapping system and can communicate with people tracking her.

All of Philadelphia and throughout CASE/Case City (5,400 sq.mi.) is filled with segregating walls which you pass through via "gates." CASE = Consolidated America Sanctuary East. The majority of the U.S., Canadian, Caribbean, Mexican and Central American populations (417 million) reside in that tiny area.

View attachment 56943


The population density of 'what remains' of South Philly (prev. 14.7 now 1.2 sq.mi.) is 833,000/sq.mi..

View attachment 56942

For Rokka-Kae, the protagonist, to do her job, she at times needs to know her location or request certain forms of assistance from various governing units. Her location is the most minimal aspect of it.

K2

Man, she's walkin' by my old front door.

 

[DannMcGrew]

OK couldn't contain myself. Now I'll think about the dialog. Well, actually I'll do that tomorrow morning. You've got an interesting scenario going on.

 

[DannMcGrew]

But in scrolling up to review your initial post my eye was caught by the bold lines. Why not use bold or a different font to indicate the "messages?" If you set that up from the git go, it should flow nicely. And unless there's a compelling reason to keep them ( is there?) drop the "overs." They are as much of a stop to the reader as they are to a transmission. Jarring and after a while irritating.

 

[-K2-]

But in scrolling up to review your initial post my eye was caught by the bold lines. Why not use bold or a different font to indicate the "messages?" If you set that up from the git go, it should flow nicely. And unless there's a compelling reason to keep them ( is there?) drop the "overs." They are as much of a stop to the reader as they are to a transmission. Jarring and after a while irritating.

Well, that might be a bit much. My biggest questions at the moment pertain to the point about using italics for transmissions 'Kae hears,' and what punctuation between the alert/ident call and the message.

Thanks again for your input.

K2

 

[Toby Frost]

Personally, I'd just write it as dialogue. Either (i) it's being directly addressed to a character and it's sufficiently important that the reader knows what's being said, in which case it's like a phone conversation with several participants; or (ii) it's just background chatter, and can be described as such.

The only point at which this could get difficult is if it's someone listening in to a conversation. Again, that could be written in the standard way, as a conversation in which the POV character doesn't participate, but has thoughts arising from what's being said. So:

"Send a patrol to the east side," said the captain.
"Copy," the sergeant replied.
Bob frowned. Why would they send a patrol over there? he wondered.

In Mona Lisa Overdrive by William Gibson and "The Whisperer in Darkness" by H.P. Lovecraft, characters listen to recordings of conversations being played back. The playback is written rather like the script of a film. So:

Soft-voiced man: "Our cover has been blown."
Russian-accented woman: "You worry too much."

But in both of these, the POV character is just listening, and doesn't interact until the recording is over. It's almost as if the recording is being presented to the reader by the character (in "Whisperer" it literally is). But I'd default to normal conversation. Whatever is the most clear, really.

 

[DannMcGrew]

Here's one approach you might consider:

Rokka-Kae brought her mind back to the business at hand. "Central Dispatch, 379, what is the gate's location?"
Reaper 379, you are still at 14-C-16 heading south.
Engine 14, proceed code 3 to 123 Bob Street.
Central Dispatch, Engine 14, copy. Enroute code 3 to 123 Bob Street.
Rokka-Kae quickened her pace and made a left turn onto Bainbridge. As usual the street was crowded and she had to push her way through.
Reaper 379, this is Engine 14, what is your estimated arrival?
"I'll be your location in 2 minutes," she reponded.
Central Dispatch: Engine 14.
Engine 14: Go ahead Dispatch.
Central Dispatch: Engine 14 maintain your position until arrival of Reaper 379.
Engine 14: Roger.
"I see your lights now, Engine 14," Rokka-Kae said as she approached Bob Street.

 

[-K2-]

@Elckerlyc , @DannMcGrew , @Phyrebrat & @Toby Frost ;

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll seriously consider them.

K2

 

[Brian G Turner]

Personally I'd suggesting taking care with it, and potentially minimizing it as much as possible - the POV character can summarize much of it, leaving only small bits for atmosphere.

While it would certainly be "real" to hear it all and in detail - and could occur in the background in a movie - I think for book readers much of its best summarized. Otherwise there's the danger of it taking up the foreground and becoming a distraction, rather than part of the atmosphere.

While I used to be a big proponent of realism, I've come to realize that the entertainment is more important and sometimes realism needs to compromise to accommodate this.

The big question, I guess to ask, is whether your radio transcripts really are entertaining or not, or there for the sake of realism. That might provide some idea of where compromises may need to be considered.

2c.

 

[Abernovo]

You only need to announce the initial message.

The radio crackled as a message came through from Dispatch: Engine 14, proceed code 3 to 123 Bob Street .

After that, keep the message script in italics, or the script you wish. You can use identifiers, if you need to, for other actors. That's probably obvious to you, so apologies if it looks like I'm trying to teach how to suck eggs.

More importantly, for me (similar to DannMcGrew's post), what is your POV character doing and thinking? I've heard messages come through on a squawkbox, and listened to recordings after events, and known what's kicking off: felt my stomach drop, my heart race, seen others drop everything, and fire tenders head for the runway. Even listening after the fact (I once heard a recording of a coastguard Mayday call -- think about what that means!) you're mouth can go dry, or you can feel sick.

So, I'd go with Brian's suggestion of summarising, and also putting your POV character at the centre of the scene, so her feelings and actions bring the reader in. Just, as ever, my questionable opinion.

 

[Kharn]

Sorry, this will be a bit of a long one. This is just my two cents but I use radios at work every day and maybe this will help you.

I've read numerous police, fire and military logs, BUT, they tend to present it in a transcribed format which removes some of the initial contact protocols.
As an example from those transcripts:
Dispatch: Engine-14, proceed code-3 to 123 Bob Street.
Engine-14: Copy, enroute code-3 to 123 Bob Street.
In reality, that would sound like this:
"Engine-14, Central Dispatch--proceed code-3 to 1-2-3 Bob Street, over."
"Central Dispatch, Engine-14--copy. En-route, code-3, to 1-2-3 Bob Street, over."

To me, this depends on your mode of transportation. If your character is in a vehicle where they are on comms (like headsets) with other people who would also be hearing the transmissions, I would write it as dialogue as above. Everyone on comes can hear it and, though it is only from her perspective, it should still remain as dialogue.

If this is a situation where there are multiple people but only she had comms, I would do it differently based on viewpoint.

In my MS, the reader ONLY sees radio traffic either from the protagonist, or to the protagonist and what she might overhear. It is always presented from her viewpoint only (though 3p). So, she is always speaking--and, all other traffic is what she hears, in HER head (ears). To that end, I thought it might be clever (see where the problem starts? ), to put the protagonist's responses as spoken dialogue, and all others' as thought.
Example (just dealing with that aspect first):
“Central Dispatch, 3-7-9... what’s this gate’s location?” Rokka-Kae queried Central.
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... you are still--at 14-C-16 heading south, over.’
“Copy Central... sound the siren four cycles, grid J-13, out.”
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... roger. Siren, grid 14-J-13, four cycles in 3, 2, 1, out.’

This could work if the transmissions are meant to be hidden from those in her immediate area.

To me as a reader, things that appear as dialogue would be heard by those in a confined space (such as a fire engine cab or cockpit) as it would be loud enough to be heard, or heard across multiple headsets. If the transmissions are meant for her alone, to convey secret information or the like, then doing it as thoughts in her head would work to convey the secrecy.

One part I'm going to exclude (because they're using a cellular service, not a radio, but, still try to follow protocol otherwise), are the initial alert and response messages. Anywho, for discussion, that 'would' read like this:
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379, over." (deleted)
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... go ahead.’ (deleted)
“Central Dispatch, 3-7-9... what’s this gate’s location?” Rokka-Kae queried Central.
‘Reaper-379, Central Dispatch... you are still--at 14-C-16 heading south, over.’

I like this idea but it could get jumbled if there are multiple units calling the same dispatch. This would work really well as long as clarity of the speaker is maintained.

The real issue is that pause or gap between the call/recognition identifier and the actual message. I'm positive that I want something more than a comma, but, not a period. Also, the force of the voice does not trail off, hard end (period), or change, it is just a very pronounced pause. Here are some options, none of which I believe are proper punctuation:
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379... what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379 ... what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379: what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379; what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379-- what’s my location? Over.”
“Central Dispatch, Reaper-379--what’s my location? Over.”

Of the above, I will say that I like the 'look' due to the gap made by using an ellipsis or EM dash, but what each is actually used for doesn't apply (I think... *groan* )

What I've learned from 4 years in the Marines as well as five in refineries is that the pause between transmissions is about the same as it is when talking regularly, with some exceptions. Complex question that requires a bit of thought, longer pause. Adrenaline pumping during combat operations, longer pause. Cursing the idiot on the other end of the radio before you respond, longer pause.

What this translates to, for the purposes of this post, is that I would either stick to a comma or use a semicolon.

Sorry it was kinda long but I struggled for a while with radio chatter and it took me having to use one all the time to finally make choices about them. Again, just my two cents. Hopefully this helps

 

[Star-child]

Whatever format you settle on @K2, I would inflict it on your readers as little as possible.