sample early chapter (1500 words)

[Peter V]

Dear readers and writers.

With much trepidation I have decided to post an early chapter from my latest work in progress. I think I am doing this because I need to really know if what I write is actually any good at all and the honest (sometimes brutally so) feedback I have seen in here will almost certainly dispel any illusions. More importantly, it is highly likely to provide extremely useful insight and guidance.

Currently the chapter below is sitting as chapter two but in the final work could be three or four, depending on how it develops. Chapter one would be useful in giving some clues as to what is going on but it is far too long for the critique thread (even though it is probably as equally in need of being torn asunder as this sample.)

It is effectively in two parts, initially setting the scene, followed by an encounter which is almost entirely dialogue. My main question is regarding the realism of the conversation and how it flows.

I am likely to name, rather than number the chapters but the title of this one is not set in stone.

Thank you in advance for any feedback.

Peter

Dreamer​

Naram looked at the time candle on the bar and back to the bottom of his empty tankard. That was two he’d bought for himself and he did not have coin for a third. Leastwise none that he could justify spending. It looked increasingly unlikely that his client from the Annuan council was going to show.

Client? That didn’t sound right at all. He was no craftsman (or expert in anything for that matter) to start thinking of himself as someone worthy of having clients. Who was he trying to fool? Customer maybe? That did not sound quite so pretentious and when he thought about it, he was selling something. Just not something physical, so to speak.

Naram waved away the serving lad again. Behind the bar the burly barkeep was watching and looking increasingly displeased with him occupying a table and spending so little. Well, let him be annoyed. Why should he be the only one having a bad day? The Wraith take that damned absent buyer, he cursed under his breath. He looked at the candle again and thought about leaving but annoying the barkeep seemed like a good enough reason to give it a little while longer. There might also be a good reason the chap has been delayed but even if there was, he was of a mind to put the price up. And why shouldn’t he? He didn’t know much of history but from the eager reaction of that longspeaker, what he’d seen was important.

It had been the day after, with the memory of the dream still vivid in his mind that he’d chanced across the longspeaker. Usually he would have absolutely no reason to engage with one and not just because he could not afford the price; he simply had no friends or family who were not local. This dream however had been particularly real and it had left him with absolutely no doubt as to its validity, and moreover, that the content was important. Not because he recognised it, there was no chance of that, but something of the nature of the dream itself told him. Naram did not have the words to explain it, it was simply knowing. So the next day, when the travelling speaker had set up shop in this very inn, it merely confirmed he’d dreamed it at that time for a reason. He had learned a long time before not to question his ‘special’ dreams.

Naram was just working out if he could actually afford another drink when the door to the inn opened and three strangers entered. Two men, one with skin so pale he was almost translucent and very tall, with a confident look about him and maybe a touch of the Fae. The other man was dark-skinned and although not as tall, could not be described as short. He looked like a soldier; emphasised by a scabbard on his hip and crossbow strapped to his back. The woman with them was of a height with the second man and looked so alike the taller man, she was probably his sister. The inn fell silent momentarily as all heads turned to regard the three strangers.

“Store any weapons by the door.” The barkeep told them but was ignored as the strangers looked around. Spying Naram, they walked over.

“Naram Gethin?” the tall man asked, apparently knowing the answer for he had already pulled out a chair and sat down. Behind him the barkeep glared at their backs but did not push the matter. There was something about these three that shouted leave them be. The other two pulled out the two remaining chairs and joined their colleague. Gradually the other customers returned to their business of eating and drinking, though no doubt the subject of their conversations had now changed.

Naram thought better of telling the man he was late and he was certainly not going to push him for a drink.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Kaliban. This is Gorghe,” he indicated the man on his right before turning to the woman.

“Melyssa.” She spoke softly, her voice as beautiful as her face. Cold, grey eyes appraised Naram, piercing him. Just for a moment he thought he could feel cool fingers delving into his mind but the sensation passed as quickly as it had arrived.

Naram nodded towards them, suddenly very short of confidence and at a complete loss for words.

“Four ales.” Kaliban called over to the barkeep, before turning and smiling at Naram. “Please accept my apologies for our late arrival.”

“I…it is no problem,” he stammered in reply, wishing he already had that beer. “I w…was told the council representative would meet me first thing but there are worse places to wait a while.”

“The Annuan council?” Kaliban smiled again but it looked quite condescending and Naram realised he neither liked, nor trusted this man.

“Yes.” Naram nodded.

“You were not going to meet with anyone from the council. You were lied to my friend.”

“But…” Naram’s mouth hung open in confusion. He quickly shut it, lest he look even more stupid than he felt.

“The woman sent to purchase the goods from you works for a wholly more clandestine body and certainly not one to be trusted. It is good that we were made aware of the transaction. We will pay you the objects true worth.”

“So who was she? And who are you?” Naram relaxed slightly, the thought of a better payment immediately getting his attention and easing somewhat the concern he felt at not really knowing what was going on.

“I have already told you who I am.” Kaliban replied, a little sharply.

The lad appeared then with a tray of beers. Kaliban stared at Naram as they were served, depositing a silver in payment. The lad looked shocked.

“I ain’t sure we’ve enough change sir.”

“Keep it.” Kaliban dismissed the boy with a wave.

“So where is it Naram? I can see it is not here with you.”

“The object? I don’t have it. I explained it to the speaker. I was quite clear.”

Anger flashed over Kaliban’s face but before he could say anything, Melyssa placed a hand on his. “He speaks true and without artifice. Naram does not seek to deceive us, nor swindle.”

Naram gave Melyssa a small nod of gratitude. “I am a dreamer. My dreams are rare but always accurate and this one was the most significant of my life. The importance of my dreams is reflected in their clarity and this one was like I was there!

Kaliban drew a deep breath and appeared to calm himself. “Forgive me. I have been supplied information which is clearly somewhat lacking in the facts. Tell me of your dream. Please.”

“I was underground. Probably a cave. A deep, deep cave. There was an object on a plinth, a dark metal cube. The cave walls were painted with rough pictures but there were clear glyphs written there too. Here, I drew some.” Naram pulled a piece of rough folded paper from his pocket and laid it out on the table. Melyssa let out a soft gasp and exchanged a look with Kaliban.

“Continue.” Kaliban said, clearly excited by what he saw.

“There were also small glyphs on the cube. I touched it and it was cold, colder than anything I ever felt before. Even though the cold burned to the touch, I tried to pick it up but it was stuck down.”

“Not stuck. Too heavy.” Kaliban interrupted. “At least to the uninitiated. Where is this cave?”

“Across the sea. I went to the place of learning and copied a map. The woman there told me it is in the Fae lands. Naram turned the paper over. “Although I have never been there, never even been beyond Annuan, I know precisely this is the location.” Naram stabbed a finger onto the crudely drawn map.

“I had not anticipated this but for a long time our path has been beset with challenges. I will give you five gold. Now get your things together for we shall sail with the tide.”

Naram almost chocked on his beer. “I can’t leave Annuan.” He’d never left the local area and the single time he had been on a boat was the ferry across the Bothy River to Forthright. “I have a wife and my job on the farm to consider.”

“You will have enough to buy a farm. It was not a request.”

“But I do not know the way, I only dreamed the location.” Naram blustered, suddenly wishing he had kept the dream to himself.

“I am sure you will be useful. Besides if we do not bring you along I will have to kill you. The information in there is for us only!” Kaliban jabbed a sharp finger into Naram’s forehead.

“I won’t talk to anyone, I promise.”

“Oh you would. Whether you wanted to or not. You are coming or dying.”

Naram stood.

 

[tinkerdan]

You have the beginning of something interesting here; however you are probably taking too much time to get to the part that will interest the reader.
The story starts here.

“I will give you five gold. Get your things together for we shall sail with the tide.”

Naram almost chocked on his beer. “I can’t leave Annuan.” He’d never left the local area and the single time he had been on a boat was the ferry across the Bothy River to Forthright. “I have a wife and my job on the farm to consider.”

“You will have enough to buy a farm. It was not a request.”

“But I do not know the way, I only dreamed the location.” Naram blustered.

“I am sure you will be useful. Besides if we do not bring you along I will have to kill you. The information in there is for us only!” Kaliban jabbed a sharp finger into Naram’s forehead.

“I won’t talk to anyone, I promise.”

“Oh you would. Whether you wanted to or not. You are coming or dying.”

Naram stood, suddenly wishing he had kept the dream to himself.

From there you can explain more about his dreams and how he arrived here; however you should try to pepper it into the scene that continues to drive this action forward.

However you might also want to add a bit show in the qouted portion and in the whole.
What do I mean?

When I recall events of my past I often begin the recall with a smell or a sound or even a taste the might lead to the full sensory detail of what was happening at the time of the memory. I often think of writing as something similar to that and that's where real showing comes in.

The smell of the bar or tavern maybe whatever smoke and stale beer and then the character's physical reaction that helps describe what fear or bewilderment he might be feeling when someone makes such a demand of him. Perhaps the body language that describes how imposing and threatening the other three are.

Anyway I think you could put more description into character detail in the part I quoted and then upend your piece here so that it is at the beginning of the story. Everything else you have seems mostly to be some pieces of info-dump and description that aren't really helping me--the reader--get to the most important part.

That quoted area is helping to describe some of the conflict and even character weaknesses which are some of what draw the reader into the story where you can add all of the other info after you've gotten reader interest.

However before considering changes, wait for more reaction to the whole from other readers.

I've not considered any grammatical problems and there might be a few other people can pinpoint.

Even if you were to decide to keep a slow begining, it will still help to involve the five senses in description and to help show the reader things about how the character feels about things as they evolve around him.

 

[Peter V]

You have the beginning of something interesting here; however you are probably taking too much time to get to the part that will interest the reader.
The story starts here.


From there you can explain more about his dreams and how he arrived here; however you should try to pepper it into the scene that continues to drive this action forward.

However you might also want to add a bit show in the qouted portion and in the whole.
What do I mean?

When I recall events of my past I often begin the recall with a smell or a sound or even a taste the might lead to the full sensory detail of what was happening at the time of the memory. I often think of writing as something similar to that and that's where real showing comes in.

The smell of the bar or tavern maybe whatever smoke and stale beer and then the character's physical reaction that helps describe what fear or bewilderment he might be feeling when someone makes such a demand of him. Perhaps the body language that describes how imposing and threatening the other three are.

Anyway I think you could put more description into character detail in the part I quoted and then upend your piece here so that it is at the beginning of the story. Everything else you have seems mostly to be some pieces of info-dump and description that aren't really helping me--the reader--get to the most important part.

That quoted area is helping to describe some of the conflict and even character weaknesses which are some of what draw the reader into the story where you can add all of the other info after you've gotten reader interest.

However before considering changes, wait for more reaction to the whole from other readers.

I've not considered any grammatical problems and there might be a few other people can pinpoint.

Even if you were to decide to keep a slow begining, it will still help to involve the five senses in description and to help show the reader things about how the character feels about things as they evolve around him.

Thanks I will digest your feedback. I spelt choked wrong too I just noticed

 

[Brian G Turner]

This isn't actually a bad piece of writing IMO. Yes, there are places where you can trim and condense things, but for the most part this scene has purpose.

My first criticism, though, is that your story actually starts with:

Naram was just working out if he could actually afford another drink when the door to the inn opened and three strangers entered.

As an opening sentence it's sharp, it's direct, and it tells us something us happening while raising questions. It's actually quite a good one - and you can delete everything before that line without affecting the story (the importance of dreams gets discussed later in the scene).

A second criticism would be to drip in a few details about Naram himself - you describe a lot of things, but at the moment I've no idea if I'm following a youth, a middle-aged man, or a pensioner. By that I'm not asking you to describe him, as much as use a few key words or phrases to paint some impression of him to make him a little more alive - "In my many years..." "Through decades of searching..." "My first dream, though my master said that was down to my youth and more would come...". Along with this point I'm presuming someone of relatively modest means, but I'd like it spelt out a little more - though you don't have to, as raising questions now is a good thing, but a little more sense of character would be nice.

A third is when the three enter - a trick Teresa taught me was to think less about objective physical characteristics, and instead the impression when introducing one or more characters. Most of what you've actually told us is that one was tall, one not so tall, and the other the same height as the second. Mentioning one was pale and fae is good, and the tongue-in-cheek reference to the weapons was good, but jumping back to a fae description of the woman I found a little jarring. Possibly a tweak in this intro, as these are the definitions that will define them for the reader through the rest of this book - the tall man looked fae-pale and aloof, the woman beside him sharp and alert, the third dark, broad, and rough, and well-armed [...]

The dialogue later on runs a little long - shorten it by putting some more POV character experience and thoughts in there. At the moment Naram is distant from us and you are using dialogue to compensate for that - push in some of his thoughts and you'll find you can shorten the dialogue and make for a punchier scene. Also a few actions - Kaliban and friends can plainly look threatening when they want to, but all we get at the end is a finger jab - just an example of where you can throw in a few words for character perception and remove a couple of lines of dialogue because they are no longer necessary.

But, overall, in less than 1500 words your scene got to a point where something is plainly resolved and the next part can follow is good - that's a nice bit of pacing.

Simply my personal opinion and 2c...

 

[Peter V]

I appreciate the extremely useful initial feedback.

To give a little background, the preceding chapter is POV from one of the main protagonists and in that chapter is a clear desire from her to be at the meeting early. Hence the significance and frustration of Naram waiting for his "pay day". I think if I removed that completely, the virtual continuity might be lost.

With this in mind do you think the opening is a complete non starter? I can certainly improve it from the feedback.

It's obvious now that Naram needs fleshing out a bit.

Thank you both for taking the time to read and comment. It is very insightful.

 

[Peter V]

Actually I have answered my own question. I will remove it and simply mention later something along the lines of him being in the inn sometime already and likely give some hint from Kaliban that he or colleagues of his are responsible for her no show.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Ah, sorry, I thought this was the opening chapter.

However, as you can see, there are various ways to do things. Dripping information through a story is a great way to develop pace, though won't work every time, so ultimately you have to decide which context works best.

 

[Hedgerow]

"The Wraith" seems unwieldy for a curse. In my imagination, the "the" would get dropped as it dilutes the emotional content of invoking the name of the great evil Wraith. Wraith take them.

I would caution you not to use terms like "three gold" that will make people think of Dungeons and Dragons rather than your own fully fleshed-out universe. What does your currency look like? Is it a "gold crown?" a "gold royal?" You did a great job handing that little boy a silver and letting him freak out a bit, just give the currency some physical attributes and you'll be in good shape.

I don't mind a slow, long-winded beginning. Three paragraphs is nothing, really.

 

[Richard-Allen]

Hi,
you have described a lad who is low on his funds. Waiting to met someone who wants to see him. He wants what he has. They have been waiting to find the cube. The description of the lads who has been looking for the lad. The waiter is paid gold for the ale. He is unable to pay him. This is where the story should begin. It has us cued and waiting to learn more. The discussion about what he has dreamt. They will want him to do this.

 

[Metaluna]

The story is working for me. I think it starts well. I get a sense of Naram's character, a sense of place ('time candle' itself is very evocative), the fact that he has little money, the people he's waiting for are late, all contribute to a sense of jeopardy. The story easily flows through the description of place. There's just enough background about Naram to to know that he's going to be in out of his depth. On a small point, putting 'long speaker' and 'the wraith' in italics trips me up as I'm reading. To answer your question about the conversation, it does flow well and pushes the story on whilst opening it up. Altogether, a really intriguing setup!