a short excerpt, hopefully with a good hook (870 words)

[CTRandall]

This is a short excerpt from the opening chapter of my current WiP. This is a central scene which, hopefully, will deliver a good hook. I think the ideas are sound if, perhaps, a little cliched, but I'm afraid some of the writing is stilted. I'm grateful for any comments.

Context for the excerpt
At this point, the reader knows that Miri is a respected judge (judges have both legal and religious authority in this world) and that she has recently been through a trauma that's left her battling with something akin to PTSD and/or depression. Abbess Kora is a friend who has been trying to help Miri, in this instance by getting her out of her home and into some fresh air and sunshine. Miri and Kora have been stopped in the street by a couple and their son, Nok. The family is grateful to Miri for help in saving the lives of relatives who were nearly condemned to death as heretics and the father is asking Miri to help his son.

The excerpt

“I wonder,” the man cut into the silence, “if we might ask a small favour of you, Judge.”

A frown flit briefly across Miri’s face. “I have not resumed my duties, Master Hert. I’m not in a position to do much at the moment.”

“It’s only a little advice, Judge, not for either of us,” he glanced quickly at his wife, “but for Nok. He’s had trouble sleeping of late. He claims he sees monsters in the dark. We’ve told him he’s imagining it but, well, I’m sure a word from you would do wonders to convince him. Would you mind?”

Miri glanced down at the little boy, standing close by his mother and obviously embarrassed by his father’s revelation. The muscles of her face relaxed and her frown gave way to a tender, even sad, expression. She bent down on one knee and motioned to the boy. “Come closer, Nok.”

Nok looked up at his mother, who responded with a quiet, “Go,” as she gently pushed him towards the judge. Again, Miri motioned for him to come even closer, until he stood mere inches in front of her, fixed in place by her dark eyes.

“So, Nok, is this true? Do you really see monsters at night?”

A flush of red bloomed in Nok’s cheeks. He tried to look away but couldn’t break his eyes free from Miri’s gaze. “Yes, Judge, but I know they’re not real. Ma and Da say it’s just shadows and the wind. I try not to be afraid.”

Miri’s lips tightened ever so slightly. “It’s very good,” she said, “that you’re fighting your fear.” She leaned in closer to the boy, whispering in his ear so only he could hear. “But your ma and da are wrong, Nok. Monsters are real. I see them, too. They don't hide in dark corners or under your bed, though. They hide in plain sight. They look and act like normal people. They talk and laugh and walk around in daylight, just like,” Miri pointed to a man walking past, “like him. Or her,” she added as she pointed at a woman selling fruit on a street corner. “Any of them could be monsters.”

She reached out and rested a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “So you have to be brave, Nok. Because when you find a monster, a real monster, no one—not even your parents—will help you. Most people are so afraid that, even when a monster stares them straight in the face, they’ll pretend it doesn’t exist. They would rather live with evil walking amongst them than face the thought of fighting it. So people tell themselves, ‘Monsters aren’t real’. And they say it so often that they even begin to believe it.”

Miri could almost smell the fear coming off of the boy. She pulled back just enough for him to see her face clearly and gave him a small smile along with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder. “But you’ve seen the monsters, Nok. You know they’re real. Never forget that. And be brave. When you see a monster, you must be brave enough to kill it, no matter what other people say. Can you do that? For me?”

Nok’s face was pale as a corpse in moonlight. He stared in mute silence at the judge, the servant of God who had slain his enemies and saved the lives of his family and friends, then nodded his head once.

Miri leaned back and spoke a little louder, so Nok’s parents could hear. “And you won’t be afraid of the wind and shadows at night?”

Still staring wide-eyed at Miri, Nok slowly shook his head side-to-side.

“Very good.” Miri smiled at the boy, then straightened up and looked at his parents, standing a few feet away. “Nok is a brave little boy. I don’t think he’ll have any more problems with monsters under his bed.”

“Thank you so much for your help, Judge,” Ottelia said as she made a small curtsy. “And may I say, it is such a pleasure to see you out and about in the market. We are all very much looking forward to the day when we see you in congregation again.”

Miri acknowledged the woman’s words with the slightest of nods. But even before the family turned to leave, Miri’s smile vanished, replaced by an expressionless mask and dead eyes.

“That was nice of you,” Kora said. “Aren’t you glad we came out for a walk today?”

“No,” Miri answered. “And you won’t be either when that boy’s parents come complaining to you.”

The smile dropped from Kora’s face. “Complain? Why would they...” But Miri was already walking away and Kora had to push past a knot of people to catch up.
“Miri, what did you say to the boy?”

“I told him the truth.” Miri’s gaze was fixed on the street ahead as she spoke. “And now I’m going home, before I have to tell anyone else the truth. And the next time...” She stopped and turned an angry glare on Kora. “The next time you decide to try and help me, Abbess, don’t bother.”

Miri turned her back and walked away.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I see a potential POV problem here, in that you're not allowing us to experience Miri's inner thoughts - we're totally detached from all characters and their experiences, simply left looking at them.

For example:

A frown flit briefly across Miri’s face.

The muscles of her face relaxed and her frown gave way to a tender, even sad, expression.

Miri’s smile vanished, replaced by an expressionless mask and dead eyes.

Looking at characters works in film, because good actors can express emotions in very nuanced ways and directors can pick up on it. They have to, because you cannot read an actor's thoughts.

Books are different - it's the one medium where you can actually get inside a character's head and explore their motivations and conflicts. It's the one big advantage books have over other media, so by not tapping into this you are potentially undermining your own storytelling and may end up with something that reads more like a screenplay than a novel.

If it's any consolation, it's a very common issue.

The rest of the piece wasn't bad at all, so if you can find a way to develop a closer character experience - which will take time and practice - then you could bring out more actual story and make the overall telling much stronger.

 

[The Judge]

I am all in favour of Judges being central to novels, and to their receiving the respect due to us all. So herewith is The Judge's Seal of Approbation On Your Endeavour!

I'm meant to be doing Christmassy things this morning, then this afternoon there's a trip to see The Nutcracker, so no time for a full critique now, only a couple of thoughts off the top of my head. If I'm still compos mentis this evening, I'll try and look more closely at it.

I'm not sure about stilted, but I did find something "off" about the dialogue as I read it. I'm not yet able to put my finger on it, save beyond a general and very unhelpful idea that it feels wrong, as if you're trying for a particular voice/era/time/place and you're not hitting it.

A bigger issue for me is Miri. I understand she's meant to be damaged, but frankly what you've got her doing here isn't making me feel sympathetic towards her, quite the reverse, and as this is in the first chapter I wonder if it's a little too damaging to her character. It didn't help that I immediately thought she was doing a Susan Sto-Helit, by helping the boy understand his fears were real but nonetheless monsters could be destroyed and she would help him do that. So the cruelty of what she actually does do, quite deliberately and maliciously, thoroughly upset me.

Is this incident important in itself? That is, will the boy and/or his parents feature again, or will what she has done to the boy play a pivotal role in the plot? If the answer is no and no, then I'd suggest you rethink this scene. If it is necessary, then to my mind you need to let us far more into her mind, so this doesn't appear to be cruelty against a child, but something she can't help, like someone with Tourettes really can't stop themselves swearing. As it is, I don't think I'd want to read more about her, Judge or not.

As I say, these are just comments after one quick read, and it may be on a re-read and reflection I'll have more thoughts. Meanwhile, good luck with it!

 

[CTRandall]

@Brian G Turner This is a point you've raised with my writing before. I know that getting inside the character's head is a big part of modern writing but, perhaps unfortunately for me, I'm not a big fan of that. I prefer older (sometimes experimental) writing styles that focus on dialogue and external events. That said, I have found myself adding glimpes of internal processes into my writing recently and I'll consider it here.

@The Judge Thanks for that! I hadn't expected such a strong anti-Miri reaction and it's definitely good to be aware of it. To be clear, this is a sequel and Miri features in the first novel. Readers will know what happened to her and what she was like before the trauma. A big part of this book is her struggle to deal with anger, survivor's guilt and despair. The boy himself doesn't feature later but Miri's words to him fit perfectly with what she went through and what she's dealing with. I'll have to show this to betas who are familiar with Miri and see if they react as strongly as you. Enjoy the Nutcracker!

 

[HareBrain]

A couple of quick pointers. I picked up the POV issue Brian mentions, but I found the stilted dialogue a bigger problem. A lot of it reads as overly formal, and you have them saying each other's names a lot. In my experience, people just don't do this outside of fiction, or only for specific emphasis. They do it in fiction because it's a handy reminder of who they're speaking to, but it's unrealistic, and, once I start noticing it, it makes me twitch.

The formality could be reduced to realistic levels with a few more contractions, shortenings and so on. So here, for example:

“I have not resumed my duties, Master Hert. I’m not in a position to do much at the moment.”

You could instead have something like:

"I haven't resumed my duties, I'm afraid. I'm in no position to do much at the moment."

You also use more "action tags" in dialogue paragraphs than are useful, IMO. You need these for pacing and to give relevant information, but usually that would mean one per paragraph, or maybe one at the start of a long speech and one in the middle. For short paragraphs it's often better to leave them out altogether, and just use a "said" when necessary to tell or remind us who's speaking. Here you have at least one in every paragraph, which is partly what makes the dialogue feel stilted and halting, since people seem to be leaving long gaps before speaking. In the following example, you also have two in sequence which only really tell us the same thing:

A flush of red bloomed in Nok’s cheeks. He tried to look away but couldn’t break his eyes free from Miri’s gaze.

(Telling us he "couldn't break his eyes free" also suggests we're in his POV.)

As for a hook, a child seeing monsters would probably work for me, but it's a bit hard to tell at the moment because the whole thing needs to flow more smoothly. Hope that helps!

 

[CTRandall]

@HareBrain Thanks for that. Lots of juicy detail there I can work with. I see the formality of Miri's language as a means of establishing distance; she is not particularly happy to engage with these people, which may be lost without the context of the scene that comes before this excerpt. Regardless, I'll have a think about whether it gets in the way of the scene's flow.

Thanks for highlighting the tags. I have, perhaps, been overly cautious in signaling who is speaking. This might be part of the reason I felt the section wasn't working.

I hadn't really considered the shift in POV with the boy, though it happens elsewhere in the scene. I know it's not considered good practice to head-hop within a scene but I'm not sure it's a problem here. I'll think about that, as well.

 

[HareBrain]

Hmm, I just read it again and the dialogue pacing didn't bother me nearly so much, possibly because I was reading it faster.

I think this is quite a good character piece. I realise when I first read it that I assumed the monsters Nok sees would turn out to be real after all (this being fantasy), but your reply to the Judge scotches that idea, so the particular "hook" I found before has disappeared. What I'm left with is intrigue about a woman in authority people trust enough to bring their small son to for consoling, and who then risks traumatising him by telling him the imaginary monsters in the dark are the least of his worries. I quite like that, and would read on to find out more about her, but I'm not sure how far before some other hook would have to take over.

 

[gtempel]

I quite like the hook that I see but it might not be what you want at all.
To me it seems like Miri - a very respected person - is setting up the boy to cause public unrest as she encourages him to suspect everyone and even tells him to straight up murder someone if he thinks it is a monster. Now either monsters are real in that world or Miri wants the boy to start living in a world where he can trust no one but her - bot are options i find quite interesting.
For the more minute details that I noticed.

Miri pointed to a man walking past, “like him. Or her,” she added as she pointed at a woman selling fruit on a street corner. “Any of them could be monsters.”

Maybe it is just he way I am reading this but I asked myself how she was able to point at people in the streets without the parents catching on to her shenanigans

She pulled back just enough for him to see her face clearly and gave him a small smile along with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.

At latest at this point I was convinced that the parents would be hearing everything she is saying after that.

“But you’ve seen the monsters, Nok. You know they’re real. Never forget that. And be brave. When you see a monster, you must be brave enough to kill it, no matter what other people say. Can you do that? For me?”

“Very good.” Miri smiled at the boy, then straightened up and looked at his parents, standing a few feet away. “Nok is a brave little boy. I don’t think he’ll have any more problems with monsters under his bed.”

Here are two points that let me feel what HareBrain said. The continuous name dropping makes the dialog seem weird it gives Miri and Nok a familiarity with each other that I do not think you intended and especially the second one makes it feels stilted as everyone involved would know who she is talking about without the name.

But even before the family turned to leave, Miri’s smile vanished, replaced by an expressionless mask and dead eyes.

This sentence gave me the hardest time as I feel like the smile is a genuine thing - that she actually liked to be talking to the boy - which is according to your statements not the case.

All in all I like the idea quite a bit because Miri feels like a person that is living a lie and might set up the whole town to go up in flames and the hook certainly got me.

 

[tinkerdan]

I liked this piece.
There might be some wandering of POV.
Though at this point I see this mostly as something more omniscient and that changes questions of POV.
In that case the only problem that rears it's head is:
Miri could almost smell the fear coming off of the boy.
And that is something I could allow license with; having recently come off reading some of my own favorite traditionally published authors works finding similar license.

It seems to me that you might have an invert of the old save the cat thing here.
It comes a bit short in conveying the motive behind it and the character almost sounds rather harsh and mean.
However I can almost see that there is some purpose inside what she does.
Something like this.
--------
The old woman started the climb, not because she wanted to, she didn't, but because she had to. The cat sat high, in a precarious position near the thinnest of limbs, clinging for dear life. And the old woman took her time, not because the cat had already been there all day, which it had, but because she was old and shouldn't be climbing such heights; let alone balancing across limbs that couldn't handle even her own meager weight. She reached the best vantage, a place where she could wedge a foot near a weak limb abutting the trunk of the tree and an overhead branch that might bend a bit with her weight while it might hold just long enough for her to reach the cat, who was light enough to not make much difference to the equation. She could smell its fear. She reached and the creature nearly wiggled down away from her further toward the thinnest part of the branch. It faced away and was posed just right that she could, with just enough stretch, reach the neck and gather the cat like a mother gathers kittens, though this one might be a bit old for that. Slowly she drew it close to her, the poor thing trembling and mewing, until she could whisper in her ear. "There we are my sweet. I've got you. Poor thing up here for whatever reason, you probably don't remember, and ventured so far until you had no place to go; but down. Not knowing what to do. So much to fear now. Good thing I was here to help.

"I'm sure you've learned a lesson, however..." Her arm with cat thrust outward in one fell swoop, she dropped the cat, watching as it screeched and flailed on its way down. "...you were wondering if a cat really does always land on its feet and had I not been here to help, might never know." She held herself tight against the trunk as she watched the cat hit the ground and come up running as if for its life, looking scornfully back and upward.

Inching her way to the bottom of the tree the old woman thanked whatever gods there are that she was too old to be learning such lessons herself.
--------
I just think in your piece we don't really see her reasoning; however part of that might be the POV.

 

[Plucky Novice]

This has potential for me, although I did find the POV issues, as have been mentioned, created too much distance from Miri.

I know that getting inside the character's head is a big part of modern writing but, perhaps unfortunately for me, I'm not a big fan of that.

I'm actually with you here but for me, you don't have to always be inside someone's head to have a close POV. See what they see, hear what they hear, from their perspective, with their attitude, with their language, observing the things they would observe. What are the sensations Miri has when she talks to the boy? Is the ground cold, does moisture seep into her trousers at the knee? What does he smell like? Liquorice sweets that remind her of a simpler time. What does she see in the boy? Another spoiled brat or the son of hard-working folk to whom she owes a duty? You can show this through the description of the boy, the points that she notices - the callouses of a working child or the podgy face of the doted upon.

You've got a few unnecessary adverbs loitering with ill-intent that you could tidy up - to flit is always brief - a glance is always quick.

This is an excerpt so these observations may be covered elsewhere but I got no sense of place/setting, no idea of what anyone looks like, time of year, weather, dress. I don't need much but without them I can't picture the scene.

I don't actually need the monsters hook; Miri is interesting enough but get me closer to her and put me/her in the scene; then you've got me reading on.

 

[CTRandall]

Thanks to all for the comments. You've pointed out stuff that I can watch for in the rest of my writing. I've already started editing out some of the tags and am considering the best way to pull in a little closer to Miri. Some concerns (not knowing setting and, to a degree, Miri's intentions) are due to this being an excerpt. Glad to know the scene itself is sound, though!

 

[The Big Peat]

Before I get into it - I don't think you do yourself any favours by posting an except that doesn't include any scene setting. No clue about what they look like, wear, where they are, when is it, etc.etc. There's nothing to provide a picture in the head; it might as well be a screenplay reading in a school hall. I think it's harder to win over readers when that's the case, and that might be part of people's reactions.

“I wonder,” the man cut into the silence, “if we might ask a small favour of you, Judge.”

A frown flit briefly across Miri’s face. “I have not resumed my duties, Master Hert. I’m not in a position to do much at the moment.”

“It’s only a little advice, Judge, not for either of us,” he glanced quickly at his wife, “but for Nok. He’s had trouble sleeping of late. He claims he sees monsters in the dark. We’ve told him he’s imagining it but, well, I’m sure a word from you would do wonders to convince him. Would you mind?”

Miri glanced double glanced down at the little boy, standing close by his mother and obviously embarrassed by his father’s revelation. obviously embarrassed might be better told as a show, not a tell The muscles of her face relaxed and her frown gave way to a tender, even sad, expression. She bent down on one knee and motioned to the boy. “Come closer, Nok.”

Nok looked up at his mother, who responded with a quiet, “Go,” as she gently pushed him towards the judge. Again, Miri motioned for him to come even closer, until he stood mere inches in front of her, fixed in place by her dark eyes.

I'm not a big PoV one, but for the first physical description to be one of the seemingly PoV character and not of the characters she's seeing, is weird. Would be fine if omniscient, which I'm all for, but it doesn't seem to be (although there is a PoV shift later)

“So, Nok, is this true? Do you really see monsters at night?”

You've given us emotional shading on every sentence so far and to me, this is the one that needs it the most. It's the first important thing the main character says and what's more, how she talks to a frightened boy is a pretty big tell. Comforting? Quiet? Cheerful? Okay, I feel sure its not cheerful, but this is where I'd put the emotional stress imo

A flush of red bloomed in Nok’s cheeks. He tried to look away but couldn’t break his eyes free from Miri’s gaze. “Yes, Judge, but I know they’re not real. Ma and Da say it’s just shadows and the wind. I try not to be afraid.”

Most of the emotional queues so far have been about people looking at people - glances, looking at, fixed by gaze. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I think if its a good thing, it should be used as a theme.[/b[

Miri’s lips tightened ever so slightly. “It’s very good,” she said, “that you’re fighting your fear.” She leaned in closer to the boy, whispering in his ear so only he could hear. “But your ma and da are wrong, Nok. Monsters are real. I see them, too. They don't hide in dark corners or under your bed, though. They hide in plain sight. They look and act like normal people. They talk and laugh and walk around in daylight, just like,” Miri pointed to a man walking past, “like him. Or her,” she added as she pointed at a woman selling fruit on a street corner. “Any of them could be monsters.”

This is partly personal preference, but the lack of physical description nonplusses me. It feels like I'm in an underfleshed world. And speaking of which - she's right by a small boy, notoriously the stinkiest of god's creatures; what does she smell? Can she feel his skin? Is his hair in the way?

Incidentally, at this point I notice what HB means about the names, but it makes sense to me. Repetitive use of the name to sound sympathetic sounds right to me; the characters seeking to be respectful of the judge makes sense to me.

She reached out and rested a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “So you have to be brave, Nok. Because when you find a monster, a real monster, no one—not even your parents—will help you. Most people are so afraid that, even when a monster stares them straight in the face, they’ll pretend it doesn’t exist. They would rather live with evil walking amongst them than face the thought of fighting it. So people tell themselves, ‘Monsters aren’t real’. And they say it so often that they even begin to believe it.”

Miri could almost smell the fear coming off of the boy. She pulled back just enough for him to see her face clearly and gave him a small smile along with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder. “But you’ve seen the monsters, Nok. You know they’re real. Never forget that. And be brave. When you see a monster, you must be brave enough to kill it, no matter what other people say. Can you do that? For me?”

The lack of internal emotions when scaring the wick out of a wee boy is a problem for me. It makes her unsympathetic, it makes her wooden. Okay, yes, she's reassuring him - but is she angry herself? Reliving past encounters? Sad she has to do this? Resolute?

Nok’s face was pale as a corpse in moonlight. He stared in mute silence at the judge, the servant of God who had slain his enemies and saved the lives of his family and friends, then nodded his head once.

PoV shift! I have no problems with this but many will. Or is it? Is she imagining that's what he sees? Which sounds fine to me, but probably needs to be clearer.

Miri leaned back and spoke a little louder, so Nok’s parents could hear. “And you won’t be afraid of the wind and shadows at night?”

Still staring wide-eyed at Miri, Nok slowly shook his head side-to-side.

“Very good.” Miri smiled at the boy, then straightened up and looked at his parents, standing a few feet away. “Nok is a brave little boy. I don’t think he’ll have any more problems with monsters under his bed.”

“Thank you so much for your help, Judge,” Ottelia said as she made a small curtsy. “And may I say, it is such a pleasure to see you out and about in the market. We are all very much looking forward to the day when we see you in congregation again.”

Miri acknowledged the woman’s words with the slightest of nods. But even before the family turned to leave, Miri’s smile vanished, replaced by an expressionless mask and dead eyes.

“That was nice of you,” Kora said. “Aren’t you glad we came out for a walk today?”

What has she been doing this whole time?

“No,” Miri answered. “And you won’t be either when that boy’s parents come complaining to you.”

The smile dropped from Kora’s face. Never know its there to begin with! “Complain? Why would they...” But Miri was already walking away and Kora had to push past a knot of people to catch up.
“Miri, what did you say to the boy?”

“I told him the truth.” Miri’s gaze was fixed on the street ahead as she spoke. “And now I’m going home, before I have to tell anyone else the truth. And the next time...” She stopped and turned an angry glare on Kora. “The next time you decide to try and help me, Abbess, don’t bother.”

The switch from trying to help, in her own way, to anger is far too quick.

Miri turned her back and walked away.

Most of what I've put in are small things and tbh, it mostly boils down to this scene feeling underfleshed and unset. I've just realised that if you remove the words congregation and Abbess, you'd never really know its two religious authority figures, and there's people who presumably believe in their religion, in the slightest. That sense of not real - and the underselling of Miri's emotional state in this - are what strikes me as off about the scene.

I'd add that giving a bit more distinctness to the voices of the non-Miri people and Miri would be a good thing.

 

[CTRandall]

@The Big Peat Thanks for that. I kept the excerpt short partly to focus on the interaction between Miri and Nok and partly to encourage more people to read it (I know how easy it is to skip over a 1700 word crit). The cost was, as you point out, context and setting. You don't see Kora struggling to get Miri out of her house and into the sunshine and fresh air. You son't see Miri doing her best to avoid all human contact. You don't see Kora's small success and the two of them sitting under a tree, enjoying the first strawberries of summer. You don't see Miri shrink back into herself when Nok's parents interrupt.

You're right about the visual cues. It's a consequence of me avoiding getting inside the characters' heads in obvious ways and it is definitely something I need to work on.

As far as POV, I guess that it really is a mild form of omniscience (now there's an oxymoron for you). I like it but I see how it can be confusing or off-putting. I think I need to be much more aware of how I'm using POV and bring the reader along with me.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I’ll try to do a detailed crit tomorrow but POV is definitely an issue for me and the dialogue feels off

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hi, comments below in bold. Hope it's helpful.

The excerpt

“I wonder,” the man cut into the silence, “if we might ask a small favour of you, Judge.”

A frown flit briefly across Miri’s face. “I have not resumed my duties, Master Hert. I’m not in a position to do much at the moment.” This is the sort of sentence that feels slightly off in terms of dialogue. It doesn't quite feel natural. I'm not entirely sure why but it could be that the first sentence is formal, and the second not, with contractions etc.

“It’s only a little advice, Judge, not for either of us,” he glanced quickly at his wife, For me, you just about got away with this above but here it's a stretch too much that this is a dialogue tag. It's definitely a break in the sentence, though, and not a new sentence. I think I'd go with -- inside the quote marks at each end, instead - the comma indicates a dialogue tag. “but for Nok. He’s had trouble sleeping of late. He claims he sees monsters in the dark. We’ve told him he’s imagining it but, well, I’m sure a word from you would do wonders to convince him. Would you mind?” This dialogue works better.

Miri glanced down at the little boy, standing close by his mother and obviously embarrassed This is a tell, can you show instead? What makes him obviously embarrassed? by his father's revelation. The muscles of her face relaxed Are we in Miri's point of view. If so, this is partly where the POV issues sit, I think - she can see that she frowns and even the expression it gives. This would be fine in an omnipresent viewpoint but you're a little too close for that, so it just feels like not-quite-nailed third POV. I think you either need to do one or the other. and her frown gave way to a tender, even sad, expression. She bent down on one knee and motioned to the boy. “Come closer, Nok.”

Nok looked up at his mother, who responded with a quiet, “Go,” as she gently pushed him towards the judge. Again, Miri motioned for him to come even closer, until he stood mere inches in front of her, fixed in place by her dark eyes.

“So, Nok, is this true? Do you really see monsters at night?”

A flush of red bloomed in Nok’s cheeks. He tried to look away but couldn’t This, then, is when the next bit of POV confusion comes in. This feels like we are in his head because she would have no way to know this if we're in hers. If you're in shifting POV - which is fine, albeit not common or well loved in SFF - then the transactions need to be much smoother. As it is, each time we shift, I'm knocked out of the story. break his eyes free from Miri’s gaze. “Yes, Judge, but I know they’re not real. Ma and Da say it’s just shadows and the wind. I try not to be afraid.”

Miri’s lips tightened ever so slightly. “It’s very good,” she said, “that you’re fighting your fear.” She leaned in closer to the boy, whispering in his ear so only he could hear. “But your ma and da are wrong, Nok. Monsters are real. I see them, too. They don't hide in dark corners or under your bed, though. They hide in plain sight. They look and act like normal people. They talk and laugh and walk around in daylight, just like,” Miri pointed to a man walking past, “like him. Or her,” she added as she pointed at a woman selling fruit on a street corner. “Any of them could be monsters.”

She reached out and rested a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “So you have to be brave, Nok. Because when you find a monster, a real monster, no one—not even your parents—will help you. Most people are so afraid that, even when a monster stares them straight in the face, they’ll pretend it doesn’t exist. They would rather live with evil walking amongst them than face the thought of fighting it. So people tell themselves, ‘Monsters aren’t real’. And they say it so often that they even begin to believe it.” This is all nice and natural feeling.

Miri could almost smell the fear coming off of the boy. She pulled back just enough for him to see her face clearly and gave him a small smile along with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder. “But you’ve seen the monsters, Nok. You know they’re real. Never forget that. And be brave. When you see a monster, you must be brave enough to kill it, no matter what other people say. Can you do that? For me?”

Nok’s face was pale as a corpse in moonlight. He stared in mute silence at the judge, the servant of God who had slain his enemies and saved the lives of his family and friends Back into his head here , then nodded his head once.

Miri leaned back and spoke a little louder, so Nok’s parents could hear. “And you won’t be afraid of the wind and shadows at night?”

Still staring wide-eyed at Miri, Nok slowly shook his head side-to-side.

“Very good.” Miri smiled at the boy, then straightened up and looked at his parents, standing a few feet away. “Nok is a brave little boy. I don’t think he’ll have any more problems with monsters under his bed.”

“Thank you so much for your help, Judge,” I think your adherence to dialogue tags is making your life more difficult sometimes. Here a simple Judge." Otellia made a small curtsey. "And..." would keep things simple and clean. Ottelia said as she made a small curtsy. “And may I say, it is such a pleasure to see you out and about in the market. We are all very much looking forward to the day when we see you in congregation again.”

Miri acknowledged the woman’s words with the slightest of nods. But even before the family turned to leave, Miri’s smile vanished, replaced by an expressionless mask and dead eyes. Again, we move to outside her POV, where she can see how the look on her face appears.

“That was nice of you,” Kora said. “Aren’t you glad we came out for a walk today?”

“No,” Miri answered. “And you won’t be either when that boy’s parents come complaining to you.”

The smile dropped from Kora’s face. “Complain? Why would they...” But Miri was already walking away and Kora had to push past a knot of people to catch up.
“Miri, what did you say to the boy?”

“I told him the truth.” Miri’s gaze was fixed on the street ahead as she spoke. “And now I’m going home, before I have to tell anyone else the truth. And the next time...” She stopped and turned an angry glare on Kora. “The next time you decide to try and help me, Abbess, don’t bother.”

Miri turned her back and walked away.

I think you're kind of in a place where a lot of this is close third, then it goes to omnipresent, and then it shifts. None of that is a problem, at all, if you do it in such a way it doesn't distract the reader but here it does. I'm not technically good enough to say why that is but there are some writers who do this very well, who might be worth looking at. Coming to mind, Stephen King and Louis de Bernieres are very smooth at it.

 

[tinkerdan]

In a way I think that the POV here could be considered Third Person Omniscient.
However I think that the OP might be under utilizing its depth of power.

Third-Person Omniscient Point of View and Anna Karenina

The third-person omniscient point of view is a device that writers use to imbue many characters with depth. Here's how Anna Karenina accomplishes it.

www.thebalancecareers.com

Third-Person Omniscient Versus Third-Person Limited Point of View

Learn why the stories of so many novels are told from the perspective of 'he' said or 'she' said, known as the third-person point of view.

www.thebalancecareers.com

The above examples might help define what I mean.

 

[Star-child]

I know that getting inside the character's head is a big part of modern writing but, perhaps unfortunately for me, I'm not a big fan of that.

I think the style you're using is very common in SF and I like it - the characters' inner selves are a mystery that is solved by reading the story rather than being provided up front. The character evolves by how they come to light rather than being provided and then altered. Stick with it - you're in good company.

I wrote a thread about this subject, but was so contentious and insulting that it had to be closed. Folks have strong feelings on the subject, but some thoroughly modern stuff is written that way. Only thread I wrote, so it should be easy to find.


My suggestion would be to place the expressions in some frame - like another character watching the change of expression or a frown causing a verbal reaction in another character. That would be more organic and provide more action to the scene.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Following on from Tinker’s links - there’s absolutely no problem with omni. There’s also no problem with zooming in and out as the story requires. It’s when the POV becomes distracting that it’s more difficult and in places here that felt - to me, who is only one critiquer and often wrong - that it did distract.

But that’s what crits are for - to give you space to take multiple feedback and then decide what’s right for you. You have a very definite style, and that’s a huge thing, but I suspect what you want to do could be made a little slicker and, thereby, less intrusive.

Once you get to the point it’s not disrupting readers’ attention then you can have any storytelling style you like and it can work perfectly

 

[CTRandall]

Thanks again for all the help! I've spent the day doing some proper research on POV and 3rd person omniscient pretty much defines my approach. I just have to get better (a lot better) at doing it! Clearly, I need to be more aware of the shifts, eliminate them where they're not needed and find ways to smooth them out where they are necessary.

While 3rd omni may not allow the same closeness that many, many readers enjoy, better authors than me have used it very effectively. I've just added half-a-dozen books to my reading list. Thank goodness the holidays are coming

Thanks again to everyone. The comments about language/dialogue have been really useful. The POV thing, though, has been a bugbear of mine for a while but now I've got a better sense of what I need to do, i.e. do the work on my craft that I should have done ages ago when I first started writing.

that’s what crits are for

Spot on!

 

[tinkerdan]

Having read this through five times now...
I've reached a few conclusions as a reader.
The first is that the POV is trying desperately to be like a movie with a camera jumping around reading expressions and a microphone near by to catch the dialogue.

Only what it ends up being is a technician in a van somewhere zooming camera in and out and moving his sound equipment around so he can get close and hear whispers.

The problem is that every so often the technician takes over the POV and tells us what we should be seeing--interpreting expressions for us and steering us in a specific direction.

There is nothing wrong with this except that he's not very reliable and we would be just as well off if he shut up and showed us what the camera sees and lets us decide what is happening.

We really have no idea where these people are--they could be in a bubble. The camera seems stuck on faces.

The scene itself doesn't do much and is drawn out longer than it needs to be.

With the lack of setting and scene this could be cleaned up to; the introduction to the boy; a whispered conversation that we really don't need to hear, w could just see the gestures and possibly the boys responses because no one said he was whispering; then the end when her companion expresses concern, and she could reveal her side of the conversation .
Overall think the point could be made with only three short paragraphs and a few extra dialogue lines.

I'd love to show you what I mean; however after giving certain individuals a heart attack from rewriting someones work I don't really want to go there.

The bottom line is that other than making the character seem like an antagonist and someone who doesn't care and might be abusing their station. This scene doesn't do enough for all the words invested.

It could use major trimming and pruning.