a short excerpt, hopefully with a good hook (870 words)

[Jo Zebedee]

@tinkerdan Haven’t we always been able to demonstrate what we mean provided it’s respectful and in keeping with crits? As someone who learns from application I always find it useful to see how others would write the same thing.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I've spent the day doing some proper research on POV and 3rd person omniscient pretty much defines my approach.

If you'd like a tip, Frank Herbert's Dune is considered the masterclass in it - the only time you see anyone's thoughts is to generate conflict. This is especially true in the earlier chapters of the book between Paul, Jessica, and Yueh.

 

[CTRandall]

I'd love to show you what I mean; however after giving certain individuals a heart attack from rewriting someones work I don't really want to go there

I thoroughly get why you hesitate to post a rewrite. Really, I'm torn about asking to see what you'd do, not because of thin skin but because, as you mentioned, this excerpt is devoid of setting and context. Remember, this is an excerpt. A very short excerpt. I decided against posting a longer section that set this scene up, including a to-and-fro between Miri and Kora and the introduction of the family. This is also the start of a sequel and most readers will know who Miri is and what to expect from her character (beta-readers demanded--and I do mean demanded!--to see more of Miri in the sequel), so she isn't the blank slate you see here.

So, though I have immense respect for your experience and ability, this excerpt doesn't give you enough information to judge the importance or relevance of this scene to the book or Miri's character. A rewrite that plays with POV would be very helpful but a rewrite that tries to recast Miri in a different light, guess at her motivations or guess at what is and isn't important in the conversation will almost certainly be of no use to me.

If people are interested, I might post a longer excerpt in the writing group. I'm not entirely sure if it would serve any real purpose and the lead-in needs some tightening up, so it would be a little while before I put it up.

@Brian G Turner Thanks for the suggestion. It's been so long since I read Dune that I hadn't even considered it. That's another book for my holiday reading list