Dragon's Eye

Damiynn

Fantasy Author
Joined
May 1, 2005
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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.
Chapter 1
‘In service to all.’
I pushed the half-empty bottle of bourbon across the table and away from me and looked at it through blurry red eyes. Leaning back in my chair, I shifted my stare, apprehensively towards the redstone medallion lying next to the bottle.

I had seen them, they had been there. The damn golden words had been there. They had flashed across the stone’s face like some sort of glowing inscription.

Groaning, I buried my face in my hands as both the bottle and the stone turned into two objects. I waited until the blurriness faded, and they merged back into single objects. I wasn’t having a hallucination from the hangover. They had been there, glowing on the stone’s face.

Blood pounded temples like a jackhammer. I felt every shot I had drank after I had seen them, hoping the whiskey would’ve helped me remember some of the forgotten stories my father had told me as a child about the stone and himself.

Stories I had tried forgetting, leftover memories from a troubled childhood. Stories about how we were supposed to be men of importance.

Slowly I pulled at a fragment of memory, a thread-bare thing about the glowing words. The words were… My thoughts trailed off again in a swirl of drunkenness. Then it hit me. My world spun, this time in a different dizzying circle of upside-down realities as what my father had told me long ago came back into my head.

The words, they are a summoning, and it is your responsibility to answer it.

The whiskey was still making my thoughts hazy, but the long-forgotten memory cut through my consciousness like a white-hot knife, burning away the haze.

I remembered my father making me poke my finger with a needle as a child. He had made me rub a drop of my blood onto the medallion’s red stone face. I had sworn vows that had included the words I had seen glowing on the stone’s surface. ‘In service to all.’

There was more. I rubbed at my temples with my fingertips. I couldn’t remember the exact words. My father had said something about always being ready to answer the call. It was my duty.

The memory was old and faded. As I had grown older, I had tried to purge the memories of my life with him. Living with a deranged man, especially with one who had delusions about being a protector of some sort and had lived on a fantasy world, had not been easy.

Slowly as the headache faded, more memories began to trickle back into my head, and I began to remember his words and stories. Stories about how my blood on the stone marked me as the servant of the eye. He had told me that it linked me to the redstone. That if I was called upon, I had to answer the summons, to perform some service to all.

Precisely what the glowing words had read!

No,
I thought, not exactly.

The memories began to come back faster, and I could see in my mind how it had happened.

Thirty years ago, on my eighth birthday in another shoddy little trailer on the outskirts of Chicago, I remembered my father telling me a story about the Men of the Blood. A tale about protectors of a land on another world linked to this one, a dragon world named Allryss where the gateways were. That I, like all of my ancestors, was a Man of the blood. Like them, I could be called on someday to fulfill my duty and protect the gates. Despite his faults, my father’s stories, always about duty and loyalty, had inspired me. Because of them, I had joined the military, and later the police department.

Anger twisted my thoughts, and my eyes grew hard, turning to brown stone. I also remembered my father trying to commit suicide. I remembered my Aunt committing him to an asylum because of his fanciful stories about the Dragon world.

To try and free my father, I had tried proving that Allryss existed, hoping I could find some kind of proof. I never found any references to a world called Allryss. The doctors said that my father suffered from a mental psychosis brought on by the death of his twin brother and that he couldn’t raise me anymore. The doctors convinced me that my father’s stories weren’t true, and I moved in with other members of my family.

Tension cut long, hard lines into my forehead as I pulled my bloodshot gaze away from the dark redstone.

They settled again on the empty glass, next to the almost empty bottle of whiskey.

I wasn’t supposed to drink, my therapist had forbidden it, but tonight had been hard. Visions of past failures had filled my head earlier. So many that they overwhelmed me, and I had needed to deaden the pain in my mind.

Finding a strength I hadn’t known I possessed, I pushed away my empty glass with trembling fingertips. It tumbled across the tabletop, and a second later, it rolled off. I noticeably cringed as I heard it shattering on my shabby little trailer’s tile floor.

The sound of it breaking reminded me of my life. Once it had been whole. Now, like the glass, it was shattered into tiny splintered pieces.

My father, I thought dully, will his memories ever leave me alone.

I had laughed as a child, enjoying my father’s stories. Twenty-five years later, I hardly ever laughed, not after the hand life had dealt me. Not when I was alone in my apartment, alone in my life, and it in ragged tatters once again.

Hell, I thought staring at the bottle, then to my police ID card, which read Micah Williams in bold black letters. Slowly my eyes moved to my service revolver lying on the couch where I had placed it earlier after I had taken it out of my mouth. These days, I barely managed the will to survive at all. If it weren’t for my son, I would have already taken my life, just like my father had.

At thirteen, my father had made me swear to him that I would wear that damn medallion always and that I would answer the summons if it ever came. As I had grown older and the doctors had convinced me that he was crazy, I had stopped believing his stories and had stopped wearing the stone. I remembered the time I had showed up without it. He had flown into a rage, yelling and screaming about my duty to the people. Cursing about my vows to the eye, and Allryss. Screaming how I could not shirk my responsibilities.

Like a moth drawn to a candle, my eyes fell again on the stone. I remembered the last day I had worn it. It was the day after my father’s suicide.

Hell, I didn’t even remember the last time I had seen the damn thing?

Staring at the stone, I felt a flicker of fear.

The words had been there, just as my father had said they would be.

I was awake, this wasn’t a dream, and it wasn’t another hallucination. The alcohol stopped those.

I could hardly believe it. A summoning. Could my father’s lies be true?

Turning, I raked uneven fingernails through my dark hair and looked at the cardboard box. A harsh, bitter laugh erupted out of my mouth. My ex, Mariynn, must have found it and put it in there. She hadn’t believed my father’s stories, either.

When I had found the box in my closet earlier along with the rest of the things she had made me take from our old house, it had been warm to the touch. There had been heat emanating from it. I couldn’t afford a fire or another shabby little trailer out of the remains of my police severance, so I had opened it. The stone had been lying on the bottom.

The Dragon’s eye, I corrected myself. Its golden chain coiled around it like a snake guarding its clutch. Although one thing I remembered was the last time that I had seen it, it had not been glowing. Not thinking, I had reached into the box.

The moment my hand touched the blood-red stone, the words, In service to all, had filled my head. The voice came from everywhere, sounding as if a hundred different voices were speaking to me all at once.

The blood summoning, I thought, recalling more of what my father had told me.
The call to duty. The call that I, as a servant of the blood, was supposed to answer.

I had pulled my hands away from the stone, clutching at my head as the room had begun spinning. What had happened afterward shouldn’t have. Not while I was awake. It never happened when I was awake.

A vision had filled my head. A different one, not the usual ones involving helicopters or warehouses.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Damiynn, please remember the word limit here in Critiques is 1500 words. Your extract was way over that so I've removed the excess.

If you want to have feedback on the end as well, wait a few days and you can put it up in another thread, subject again to the 1500 limit, and taking account of any comments you receive in the meantime.
 
Hi Damiynn,

could you let us know what is your focus in seeking a critique or just open to whatever comes to mind?
 
The memory was old and faded. As I had grown older, I had tried to purge the memories of my life with him. Living with a deranged man, especially with one who had delusions about being a protector of some sort and had lived on a fantasy world, had not been easy.

Slowly as the headache faded, more memories began to trickle back into my head, and I began to remember his words and stories. Stories about how my blood on the stone marked me as the servant of the eye. He had told me that it linked me to the redstone. That if I was called upon, I had to answer the summons, to perform some service to all.

Precisely what the glowing words had read!

No,
I thought, not exactly.

The memories began to come back faster, and I could see in my mind how it had happened.
As I was reading through, this section felt just a tinge clunkier than the rest. Overall, it read very smooth to me. I really anjoyed a lot of your descriptive language, but this section felt a little redundant as far as word usage. Specifically, it is the transition from the first paragraph to the second and then again in the last paragraph. It all reads very similar. I like that we get a very broad sense of the character up front, but I wonder if it is too expository for the first chapter. I feel you handled it really well when you talked of his service and time in the police force. It was more subtle and we as the reader immediately get an idea of what he has been through as a character and where his mental state is. The memories of the father and childhood I think is where I'm feeling the information dump. Its an intriguing idea and I think leaving a bit of that mystery for later chapters would be more fun as a reader. Mention of a mysterious fantastic world without elaborating on being gate keepers is still a good hook without digging in too deep. That is just my two cents. I'm sure there are more experienced critiquers here but great start.
 
Damiynn,

I think you're on to something here. There's a mystery here that is engaging and pulls you in. I wasn't sure if you wanted more plot vs style. I had some extra time so I decided to provide a perspective on the latter. I hope it is helpful.

1) Verb Tense. This is subjective but past tense is the generally preferred style. For example :

I remembered my father making me poke my finger with a needle as a child.

vs

I remembered how my fathered made me poke my finger with a needle as a child.


'Making' is the process of an action so is less definitive then 'made.' that says you got it done.

2) Try to connect the actions to the thought to paint the complete picture.

And there was more. I rubbed at my temples with my fingertips. I couldn’t remember the exact words

vs

And there was more. I rubbed at my temples and tried to coax out the exact words, but they were stubborn and wouldn't come.


Also, I removed 'with my fingertips.' Unless crucial to the action or plot, the reader will fill in the gap. And if they imagine him rubbing with his palms and it has no effect to the story, let them have their own universe.

3) Remove redundant or unneeded words.

I pushed the half-empty bottle of bourbon across the table and away from me and looked at it through blurry red eyes. Leaning back in my chair, I shifted my stare, apprehensively towards the redstone medallion lying next to the bottle.

vs

I pushed the half-empty bottle of bourbon across the table and through blurry red eyes, glared apprehensively at the redstone medallion that lay next to it.


This is something I was coached about by a talented editor as I had the tendency to do the same thing. Let's break them down a bit with the assumption they are not important aspects to the story.

'and away from me' - pushing by its nature is away from you vs pulling.

and looked at it through blurry eyes - why is it important he looks at the bottle? Perhaps if he is angry at himself for imbibing heavily, then, you might follow by saying..with an angry scowl given how he felt this morning. Otherwise think about putting the focus on the medallion not the bottle.

Leaning back in my chair - not sure this buys you anything unless you want to link it to something. For example, you might say. With a furrowed brow and hand to chin, I leaned back in my chair to think about how I had arrived here. This paints a picture and connects it to the story. Leaning back in my chair by itself doesn't do much in my opinion.

Lying next to the bottle – you’ve already mentioned bottle once. Can simplify with - ' it.'

I shifted my stare - not needed. The reader can fill this.


4) You use similes and metaphor to be sure, but there are more opportunities. I chose this one because I love your allusion here:

It tumbled across the tabletop, and a second later, it rolled off. I noticeably cringed as I heard it shattering on my shabby little trailer’s tile floor. The sound of it breaking reminded me of my life. Once it had been whole. Now, like the glass, it was shattered into tiny splintered pieces.

vs

It tumbled across the tabletop, and I cringed as it sailed to the floor of my shabby little trailer. CRASH! The shattered glass brought with it an eerie thought, for once my life had been whole too, and now it was shattered in to tiny splinters.

Also, I removed noticeably. Noticeably by whom? Does it add anything to the story?

Hope this helps and keep it up! Let me know when it goes to print!

Bren G
 
Hi,
Can't remember if I've critiqued any of your stuff before. I'm a picky s** at the best of times and now we can add in cabin fever.

Plese forgive.
Red Remove IMO.
Comments.


Chapter 1
‘In service to all.’
I pushed the half-empty bottle of bourbon (cliche ish and we don't need to know - he's getting drunk we've got the picture) across the table and away from me (so he pushed it then) and looked at it through blurry red eyes. Leaning back in my chair, I shifted my stare, apprehensively towards the redstone medallion. lying next to the bottle (it wouldn't be much of a shift).

I had seen them, they had been there. The damn golden words had been there. They had flashed across the stone’s face like some sort of glowing inscription. (like??? surely it was a glowing inscription. IMO better to have the words set out here unless this was done before. Even so repeating them here does no harm)

Groaning, I buried my face in my hands as both the bottle and the stone turned into two objects (Er obviously a mistype - them actually being two objects). I waited until the blurriness faded, and they merged back into single objects. (Er.. again) I wasn’t having a hallucination from the hangover. They had been there, glowing on the stone’s face.

I stopped here in case this isn't what you wanted - If it is what you want let me know and I'll continue, but it will be in similar vane.

Having said that - I like the setting and feel. Shows promise etc., but as I said I can be really picky

Hope I helped.

Tein
 
I have to admit, I'm not keen on this. It feels very indulgent to the point of the author trying to figure out how to start the tale - someone's getting drunk, remembering some background info, fin. I don't get any sense of a story starting. Also, watch for the over-writing with unnecessary references - pushing the bottle "away from himself" is a good example.

Really, I suspect your story begins in a following chapter, and this is just filler to provider some infodumping for the sake of the reader. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this - everybody does it at some point - but a story really needs to start with the first word. That means open with something happening that has some sense of movement. I can see by your writing you can do this, but I don't think someone getting drunk and remembering stuff that might be useful later is really the beginning you want.

2c.
 
I would say this is an example of more being less. My golden rule - my Special Theory of storytelling, if you're in the room and unlucky enough to get me started - is that a writer's first task is not to inform, but to intrigue. And intriguing the reader is a process of moving them from knowing nothing at all to knowing what it is they want to learn. The more chapter 1 makes the reader want to know things, the more likely it is she'll read chapter 2.

That's what I mean by more being less. There is a huge amount of information just in this chapter fragment. Stories about dragons and a troubled childhood and a ritual and a secret destiny and a dead twin brother and a father in a mental hospital and therapists and - Jesus, make it stop! Leaping around from past to present to just before now to I don't know when.

You have the germ here of a powerful scene: a man sits alone at a table. In front of him is a service revolver, a bottle of bourbon, and a redstone medallion. His mouth burns with the last shot of liquor, but underneath he can still taste the gun-barrel. The only thing he's been too scared to pick up is the medallion.

To me, that's intriguing. As a reader I know just enough that I very much want to know what the big deal is about that medallion.

As a writer, it seems plain that this opening scene is about the man making a choice. The gun, the bottle, or the medallion. All part of his past, but only one can be part of his future. Two of those choices lead to oblivion - is he scared that might also be true of the third? Or is he scared it might not be?

As he contemplates his choices, each can have its own little connotations and snatches of memory. But no hand-holding; no force-feeding! Allude, imply, hint. And when it comes to the medallion, keep in mind this is someone who's been around the block, who has a son of his own. He's long since made up his mind that his father was crazy; that's one of the bricks he's perched his adult life upon. So what does it mean that he's seeing things now? Is he crazy too? Or worse - did he betray and abandon his father when he needed him most? Is he, despite serving for so long, derelict in his duty?
 
hi,
The description that you have used here is good. You have brought to us your memories of the stone and what it represented to you. The oath that your father had told you of. You are to aid the people from where the stone originated. The dragon has given you it's eye. The duty that you carry with you is a bond that must not be failed to up hold.
The whiskey that you drank keeps the hallucinations at bay, The stone was your fathers fragility. It cause him to be put in the asylum to held there until he was better. He was they released him Didn't they? You know they did this other wise his life would have continued on in the fashion that they gave him as a life.
Your wife agreed with the doctors. She had given you the box, That held the stone. When you dug to the very bottom of the box. Finding it there. You refused to wear the stone. When you last saw your father. He went out of his mind. You remember it happening. It frightened you. You were scared, your father was thought to be insane, You did not wish that label to be put upon you.
You have tried to remember what your father said to you about the stone. Your mind had begun to recall different bites. At the end you recalled what he had said. You hear hundreds of voice saying the same thing at the time you looked at the stone. You understood what it was saying to you. But why you did not know the answer to that,
Great hook, Your story's pacing is good. You have brought us an interesting take to us. Count me in on reading this story. Great work.
 
Show, don't tell. I think much of this draft could be trimmed out. That's not a bad thing. Write a lot to uncover the buried treasure. Peeling said most of it already.

My only other suggestion is to start with more hook, action, and clarity. What's the baseline conflict? Memory loss for the medallion. So start there and work backward.

"The memories began to come back faster as I stared at the medallion. I could see in my mind how it all happened. Thirty years ago, on my eighth birthday..."

Good stuff. Let me see more!
 

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