'Good man Sheriff, now ya decide to turn up'
Rishi and deputy Shano walked slowly along the road. They had seen the Sheriff some way back. Their attention, however, was on the clearing above the forest. Rishi had spoken first.
'You're like a blister Sheriff, ya turn up after all the work is done'
He gestured back down towards the valley.
'If you'd have bothered getting out of bed ya coulda helped us back there, we didn't just have thievery to stop -we had a Taingeoughan to slay too.'
Shano turned her attention away from the clearing. She gave the Sheriff a stare. Of the 18,467 stares he received in his life, it was the 16th worst.
'I dunno if you've ever seen the travelling show about the dragon Blardan, have ya chief?'
She took a step forwards and cranked her stare up to a glare.
'Well, a Taingoughan is fourteen times bigger.'
Shano paused to scan the Sheriff for a reaction. She saw none. If anything, he looked distracted.
'Fourteen times chief, I dunno if you knew that, but fourteen times is what it is ...and it's claws are roundier.'
The Sheriff looked through her and nodded towards the trail leading into the valley.'
'Cut your whining deputy, go work in the flungal pit if this job is too much hassle ...where's Lilith?'
Shano looked over to Rishi and shrugged. Rishi shrugged back, and cleared his throat.
'We left her her to mind a prisoner. She looked like she hadn't slept. I figured it'd be better if she wasn't releasing arrows into the fray.'
The Sheriff glanced between the pair and spat onto the ground.
'Oh, ya figured did ya Rishi? ...in future let me do the figuring, who was this prisoner?'
Rishi bowed his head and muttered the word '******.'
He cleared his throat for a second time.
'I dunno chief, scardey sorta fella, aged fifty to nienty or so, with a shock of green hair.'
'I bet that's Sozman Borkstapple, where are they now.'
Shano gestured around her
'We dunno chief, there's no sign of them ...uh, possibly they got affected by magic.'
Rishi cleared his throat for a third time.
'Tsk, it's easy knowing you're new to the job Shano, this is a clear case of elopation.'
Shano took a step back from Rishi.
'Wow, how did you work that one out?'
'I spent some time on the sffchronicles forum, the people there have a high level of figuration, and will teach you everything there is to know about elopation -once you learn that, you will see the signs every bit as clearly as me.'
Shano looked around to see if there was evidence she had missed.
'Brilliant ...what is elopation?'
Rishi smiled, he knew he had impressed the rookie.
'elopation, my dear Shano, is the mutual enchantment of a couple by use of each others romantic appendages ...followed by a light footed escape to parts unknown,'
'Dammit', roared the Sheriff, 'Sozman Borkstaple ...the scrawny coward, no woman can resist his charms.'
He turned towards the woods and ripped his clothes off untill only his boots and trousers remained.
'Rishi, why has the chief suddenly stripped himself to the tits?'
'Wait and see Shano, wait and see.'
The Sheriff raised his arms above his head and bellowed.
'Come out Lilith Smith ya slut, and bring that fuppin tea bag with ya, so help me Blardan I'm gonna fuppin murder the pair of ye.'
Rishi shoved his crossbow at Shano.
'Here, hold that for me.'
He ran towards the Sheriff and launched a flying kick at his back. It made contact, and the pair fell to the ground. Rishi seized the intiative and released flurry of punches before the Sheriff could get to his feet.
The Sheriff wobbled on his knees, and collapsed backwards. Rishi pounced and grasped the Sheriff's left ear. He used the grip to repeatedly smash the Sheriff's head against the ground.
'Never'
Smash
'Ever'
Smash
'Ever'
Rishi paused to move his knee onto the Sheriff's temple. His arm was getting tired.
'Use the word fup in the presence of a deputy.'
He moved his knee and dropped an elbow onto the Sheriff's face. Bone and cartilage relented. The Sheriff made no response.
Shano rushed over and grabbed Rishi's elbow before it could strike again.
'Take it easy Rishi, you're gonna kill him.'
'Yeah, well maybee if he dies he'll think twice about using that word again.'
Rishi cleared his throat for a fourth time.
'You're a smart man Sheriff, I'll not teach ya anymore ...in future hold that tongue of yours, and if ya can't manage that, use another word, like, uh, erm, uh ...fiddlesticks.'
Rishi climbed to his feet and slapped Shano on the shoulder.
'C'mon, lets get some food.'
Shano stood staring at the Sheriffs now lifeless body for several seconds before she moved.
'Uh, Rishi? Is he dead?'
'I don't know Shano, I might be brilliant, but I just can't keep up with advanced medical knowledge ...what I do know is that if he is not breathing, he may indeed be dead.'
The pair turned and continued their way along the road. They had not gone far before they were disturbed by a brilliant flash. It came from where the Sheriff had been lying. They turned to see him floating the right way up and facing into the forest. Green smoke was billowing from his ears. And he was bellowing again:
'Right so Lilith, if that is your real name -know that by the powers granted me by the wizard Zargoflex I will seek to destroy you ...and as for you Sozman Borkstopple, you scrawny architect of elopation, I'm gonna find ya and knock the fiddlesticks faeces outta ya.'
Shano glanced towards Rishi.
'Should we do something?'
'I dunno, Shano. Probably. Let me have a think about it. We can decide over breakfast. It's been a busy morning and I'm hungry.'