Critique me on my current skill

[Fogged_Creation]

Hello! It is great to meet you, the reader and critique that shall consider my attempts at making interesting stories.

I'm going to create a short scene like how I normally do and I want to know the quality on how good it would be, Give me a 1 to 10 rating if you so wish!
My friends tell me that what I make is good and that they don't see any problems with it... But I digress, I come to ask you what you guys honestly think about how well I do write scenes and stories, to nit-pick on the things that I'm doing right and wrong, if there any bad habits I should avoid, and how I can improve on top of that, and if you have the additional luxury of time, then perhaps you could show me a recreation of the same scene but in your own way that you personally feel gives an overall improvement of the story it can be made in any genre you are most keen/used to using.
(Don't hesitate to be... Overly critical, but some motivation is appreciated )

Here goes:

Scene: The Gnawing of Winter's air​

" The crunch of snow felt itself more to the bitting cold upon his backside as Chaden sat, legs crossed and shaking involuntarily in front of his dim campfire, quivering and trembling in response to the dark cold winds sweeping at him on all side, it was as if the frigid tongue of death himself swept an unfaltering dry lick across the knight's freezing shell of metal armor, the embers of life upon the campfire also flickered with uncertainty, the precariousness of winter's biting air had been sudden and Chaden feared for his life, relying on his only source of warmth ahead of himself, his arms moved around and over the campfire desperately, occasionally placing his hands into the flame and somewhat burning himself over the exhausted dancing flames, breathing heavily into his hands he would try to pat himself down to share his warmth all around before placing his hands painfully back into the flickering flames, his mind went aloft, and his focus laid elsewhere and thought he tried to think to himself, even as his reflections stuttered within himself, the cold having gone down ontto his head at this rate, his teeth beginning to bite at a worrying rate.
--- I'm I-I will survive, don't w-worry, everything is g-going to be okay, il b-be just f-fine... I w-won't die here... I, I'm like, the p-protagonist of this story, t-there's no way in c-cold hell that I-I'm going to d-die here! --- Chaden said with an attempt of self consolation, making due for anything that could improve his own morale."

Do give me some of your critiques, you wonderful people! I'm ready to take it, haha!
.

 

[Astro Pen]

Okay. One step at a time.
Your first exercise is to break the first paragraph into several sentences. Look for the places where that feels right. For example:

"....sweeping at him on all sides. It was as if the frigid tongue...."

 

[tinkerdan]

Interesting.
A short enough piece that leaves one breathless and numb.

Since it is so short; I suggest going over it a few more time both for spelling and grammar as well as coherent progression of thought in that single sentence at the beginning.

I love long sentences and I love Charles Dickens and I even took a course in how to write long sentences. There is an art to it and I'm pretty sure I'm a long way from perfecting it. However and back to the point your first massive sentence lost me because it felt more a jumble.

First those I think need fixed::
bitting is biting.
and thought he tried to think to himself... :: maybe though he tried to think to himself....
cold having gone down ontto his head :: maybe onto his head---though I might find myself saying Into his head

More important though:
You start with:: The crunch of snow felt itself ...:: not a bad start; however what is crunching the snow--had you continued with a person walking in the snow then that would make sense; however he is sitting in the cold in front of a fire-shivering. If you take the incongruity of unexplained crunching of snow and the rather convoluted sentence, you begin to have the makings of purple prose--in terms of the famous 'it was a dark and stormy night...' and though you are building the setting you are also taking the reader far from what the story might be; which takes me to that thought: What is the story.

If I were to do a long sentence and start with something crunching snow I might do it this way.
::
A crunch of snow more, than biting cold, gained Chaden's attention as he sat with legs crossed shaking, quivering and trembling in the dark as cold winds swept all sides like the frigid tongue of death's unfaltering dry lick across his shell of metal, freezing his backside as the embers of life from the campfire flickered with uncertainty in the precariousness of winter's sudden biting air while the only other source of heat was his own frail body that was no longer protected by a knights armor, his breath barely enough to warm his fingers while the flames before him were enough to burn them with pain when he thrust them into it, and though he'd already feared for his life as the cold dipped into his head worrying at his teeth, he slowly turned toward the sound, wondering with terror what other manner of beast was out on this god forsaken night.
::
Even so this is pushing it and I might split that up into a group of sentences to make a similarly coherent paragraph.
This one still rambles a bit. The long sentence should move the reader along progressively building upon each thought and always moving forward.

Still I think you should study some long sentences a bit more as we all know I won't be here to rewrite all your long sentences..

My main point is to ask--what is the crunch of snow all about?

 

[Joshua Jones]

First of all, welcome to the Chrons if I haven't said that before!

A quick question to open up; it sounds as this is something you wrote specifically for a critique, as opposed to a portion from a WiP (work in progress)? I believe the critique page is specifically for WiP selections, so others may or may not comment. Just an FYI. I personally don't mind critiquing this, though. Fair warning... I do sometimes bite...

The first and most glaring issue here is that the scene you've depicted is two sentences. Your whole first paragraph is a massive run on sentence with 11 commas. This must be broken up into several sentences in order to be grammatical. (edit: Ok, Tinkerdan brought up a way to make this work grammatically while being this long, but while the suggestion is a good one, it's more a testament to TInkerdan's ability to make things work than a solid practice for most people). On the subject of grammar, the second sentence is improperly quoted. The spoken part should be surrounded by quotation marks (either single or double depending on your dialect), the triple dashes should be removed entire, and the double quotation mark at the end removed.

Once grammar is addressed, the next issue is that not much actually happens here. The knight is cold, he tries to warm himself by a fire, and is talking to himself. This strikes me as more of a setting for a scene rather than a scene itself. You could have something happen to the fire, and now he has to do something to improve his situation. Or, he could venture out for more firewood and stumble upon a cave, and upon seeking refuge discover it's inhabited by a small band of orcs. Or, a pack of wolves or a bear or something could be drawn to the bit of meat he was trying to cook, and he must fight them. Any of these and a myriad other options could work, but the protagonist needs to be doing something.

Also, the character seems to be inconsistently portrayed. You mention him being in plate armor, but nearly burning his hands over the fire. So, is he not wearing gauntlets? If he's freezing, why would he not want to wear those? Also, little known fact, most knights wore gambeson (a quilted linen armor) underneath their plate, which is actually quite warm. Of course, not everyone will be taken aback by that, but it's something that caught me.

On the plus, I liked the protagonist's actual dialog. It seems to be setting this story up as somewhat lighthearted and tongue in cheek, with the protagonist aware he is in a story and likely breaking the 4th wall and being genre savvy, a la Deadpool.

So, yeah, I think there is potential there, but it needs to be heavily edited and expanded into a proper scene. Sorry I couldn't be more enthused about it as it currently stands. I do hope you keep working at it and/or other stories, though, as it could be quite fun.

 

[DLCroix]

Hi! Let's see, the first thing is that I don't want to discourage you, but honestly, in that fragment there is no story, it is just the description of a scene; in formal terms, I recommend that you study the proper conventions of writing. Some have to do with grammar and writing and the others are already involved with style.
An excellent guide for those just starting out is Stephen King's now classic On Writing. It is very fast and enjoyable to read, and I am sure that King will tell you the same things that I planned but in a much better and more educational way.
But that enthusiasm you have is good. Basically this is how we all start. Just now you must accompany it with a corresponding desire to learn; only the years will teach you that it is one thing to know how to write a story (and at first glance you still lack a lot) and quite another to tell it.

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

All right. I'm a pedant, merciless and biting (not 'bitting'), and have generally stopped critiquing, as I upset people (not half as much, I suspect, as professional editors and publishers will upset them, if certain tendencies are not ironed out). Still, this descriptive needs some work.

Scene: The Gnawing of Winter's air​

" The crunch of snow felt itself more to

that should probably be a 'than' rather than a ''to' and, of course, the typo, 'Bitting'

the bitting cold upon his backside

Funnily enough, dry snow (the type that crunches - and yes, I agree you can feel a crunch, but possibly not through armour. I've never traversed a snowfield in armour, for some reason. Wet snow, as you might get if the temperature were a bit higher, what with the melting caused by the pressure and weight of a knight in full plate, now that can chill you very profoundly

as Chaden sat, legs crossed and shaking involuntarily

his legs are crossed and shaking, or it is he that is shaking?

in front of his dim campfire, quivering and trembling in response to the dark cold winds sweeping at him on

from

all side

sides

, it was as if the frigid tongue of death himself swept an unfaltering dry lick across the knight's freezing shell of metal armor, the embers of life

I don't much like 'embers of life' Are you trying to suggest that only the few points in the fire that glow red with the wind gusts are maintaining his life, or that 'life' fo a fire is combustion?

upon the campfire also flickered with uncertainty, the precariousness

nice word, but not entirely fitting the situation

of winter's biting air had been sudden and Chaden feared for his life,

New sentence. And now we have flame

relying on his only source of warmth ahead of himself,

Comma splice

his arms moved around and over the campfire desperately,

comma splice

occasionally placing his hands into the flame and somewhat burning himself over the exhausted dancing flames,

Comma splice

breathing heavily into his hands he would try to pat himself down to share his warmth all around before placing his hands painfully back into the flickering flames,

I think that's a comma splice - I can't quite follow the logic.

his mind went aloft, and his focus laid elsewhere and thought

probably 'though' (or 'although'

he tried to think to himself,

To whom else might he be thinking?

even as his reflections stuttered within himself, the cold having gone down ontto

into?

his head at this rate, his teeth beginning to bite

suggest 'chatter'

at a worrying rate.
--- I'm I-I will survive, don't w-worry, everything is g-going to be okay, il

I'll

b-be just f-fine... I w-won't die here... I, I'm like, the p-protagonist of this story, t-there's no way in c-cold hell that I-I'm going to d-die here! --- Chaden said with an attempt of self consolation

I don't think that's all that consoling

, making due

due?

for anything that could improve his own morale."

He's taken off his gauntlets, otherwise he couldn't feel over the rest of his body, but without undoing the rest of his armour I can't see how he has access. His gambeson is padded, for plate, (and I can't see how you could use 'shell' for mail. I assume he has fallen from his steed? A knight is a fairly high ranking officer, and shouldn't be let out without at least a squire, so unless he's just lost a battle I assume others are following his trail.

I had some difficulty with him sitting on snow while his fire was obviously able to flame - has he removed his breastplate as a fireplace?

 

[Toby Frost]

I think the others have covered the details better than I could. My main overall thought is that it reads as if you're trying to write impressively, and it's not really helping. To be blunt, at the moment some of it sounds unnecessarily heavy. "The crunch of snow felt itself more to the biting cold upon his backside" doesn't make sense to me. Something is missing.

I would suggest not trying to write in a poetic style, but just describing what's happening as clearly as possible. I think if you can do that, the poetic stuff either appears by itself or becomes unnecessary. To give an example, and it's just my opinion, "He always looked disappointed" is just as good and probably better than "The grey miasma of disappointment was permanently etched into his features". At present, it feels as if the story is hidden behind the description.

 

[Stephen Palmer]

A good proportion of the skill of writing is about not showing you're writing.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

OK, Some call me picky - including me.

However, congratulations on taking the first step in writing. Having the determination and wherewithall to give it a bash takes effort. It took me quite a long time before I had the nerve have a go.

I'm not going to do a big word by word critique. This is more a welcome to the Chrons message from me.

Besides @chrispenycate has done most of the work.

I can see you're trying to create atmosphere and there are elements of interest hidden in the piece, but as @Toby Frost has mentioned sometime too much really is too much.

For me personally, in my own writing, if I find if there are more than eight lines of text without a paragraph break or some dialogue something is going wrong. Remember in a book (paperback format) your text might take up a full page.

One way to get the hang of "less is more" is to try entering the 75 or 300 word competitions. In those you really have to prune out the over description to get the meaty bits of a tale across. Nobody critiques or has a go at what you write (unless you ask for it in the improving our stories section) so there's nothing to lose and everything to gain from the exercise. Even if you try and don't enter, you should find you're developing the tecniques to help you develop.

Pluse just reading what others have entered will give you an insight. Look at peoples entries and see how it might differ from what you might have done even with their theme.

Strangely, just entering a vote can sometimes force you to see what read as good and what is bad which can then be applied to what you write.

I don't know what editor you use, but a quick grammer check on Word can pull out the simple mistakes.

I personally use ProWriting Aid, but that can be expensive to buy. (I have no involvment).

Hello! It is great to meet you, the reader and critique that shall consider my attempts at making interesting stories.

Do give me some of your critiques, you wonderful people! I'm ready to take it, haha!
.

Hope I helped

Tein

 

[Joshua Jones]

OK, Some call me picky - including me.

However, congratulations on taking the first step in writing. Having the determination and wherewithall to give it a bash takes effort. It took me quite a long time before I had the nerve have a go.

I'm not going to do a big word by word critique. This is more a welcome to the Chrons message from me.

Besides @chrispenycate has done most of the work.

I can see you're trying to create atmosphere and there are elements of interest hidden in the piece, but as @Toby Frost has mentioned sometime too much really is too much.

For me personally, in my own writing, if I find if there are more than eight lines of text without a paragraph break or some dialogue something is going wrong. Remember in a book (paperback format) your text might take up a full page.

One way to get the hang of "less is more" is to try entering the 75 or 300 word competitions. In those you really have to prune out the over description to get the meaty bits of a tale across. Nobody critiques or has a go at what you write (unless you ask for it in the improving our stories section) so there's nothing to lose and everything to gain from the exercise. Even if you try and don't enter, you should find you're developing the tecniques to help you develop.

Pluse just reading what others have entered will give you an insight. Look at peoples entries and see how it might differ from what you might have done even with their theme.

Strangely, just entering a vote can sometimes force you to see what read as good and what is bad which can then be applied to what you write.



Hope I helped

Tein

I second the 75 and 300 word challenge suggestion, and would add to it the 100 Word Anonymous challenge going on right now in the workshop. These challenges are responsible for a massive portion of my development as a writer (although some may use this as evidence of their lack of effect...) and, truth be told, were the main reason I joined the Chrons in the first place. And, because of the size limit, writing the stories doesn't take much time (once I had an idea for the 300 word challenge, it took one sitting to write the first draft and a second to whittle it down to 300 words).

So, I cannot endorse this suggestion wholeheartedly enough.

A good proportion of the skill of writing is about not showing you're writing.

Completely agree. Flowery prose is nice, but it also cuts away from the immersion into the story. I'd much rather have a reader be fully engaged in my work than pop up and comment about my clever use of diction. Save purple prose for poetry, and let a narrative be a narrative.

 

[Fogged_Creation]

Wow, I did not expect this much helpful advice from this many people! Thanks a lot!

I wasn't there for about 5 hours, sorry about that. But here I am now!

My main point is to ask--what is the crunch of snow all about?

So for there I was trying to explain the crunching sound when you step on snow, and from hearing you out and the others I realize that it may be a bit confusion, since it's him sitting down on the snow that's making that snow sound, and I appreciate the info about how to make good long sentences!

First of all, welcome to the Chrons if I haven't said that before!

A quick question to open up; it sounds as this is something you wrote specifically for a critique, as opposed to a portion from a WiP (work in progress)? I believe the critique page is specifically for WiP selections, so others may or may not comment. Just an FYI. I personally don't mind critiquing this, though. Fair warning... I do sometimes bite...

Thanks for the welcome Joshua!

And, well for the part it's for WiP work more than critiques, sorry about that! I just couldn't quite get a full-page story to show correctly, so I thought that having a very small scene to critique on would be better for me to understand, but thank you for the warning

But that enthusiasm you have is good. Basically this is how we all start. Just now you must accompany it with a corresponding desire to learn; only the years will teach you that it is one thing to know how to write a story (and at first glance you still lack a lot) and quite another to tell it.

Thank you for the Stephen King's recommendation for me to read "On Writing" Il see when I get into it, and I appreciate the further pushes of motivation, it has been hard for me to write when I can't seem to get anything right. But that doesn't mean I won't try again! Thanks, il keep on going through the years until I get it right, Margaret here has been a great source of inspiration and love for me, I appreciate him for showing me his work and allowing me to show him my own work as well! Great guy, I tell you.

Chrispenycate for the teacher's correction style

Thank you for the grammatical and comma fixes, I understand I probably added some sentences that don't really make sense when you read it aloud. And I understand the confusion about Chaden with his knightly armor, I was aware that it didn't make so much sense when I first wrote it down, Didn't know about the gambeson part for knights, for it's history, I didn't know it was made to be warm either!
Though if you all at least understood the gist of the story which is basically A knight who is freezing in a cold winter and trying to warm himself over a campfire. If I could get my reader to at least understand that, then that is a good first step for me, no matter how bad! Not to mean that I shouldn't improve.

I think the others have covered the details better than I could. My main overall thought is that it reads as if you're trying to write impressively, and it's not really helping. To be blunt, at the moment some of it sounds unnecessarily heavy. "The crunch of snow felt itself more to the biting cold upon his backside" doesn't make sense to me. Something is missing.

I would suggest not trying to write in a poetic style, but just describing what's happening as clearly as possible. I think if you can do that, the poetic stuff either appears by itself or becomes unnecessary. To give an example, and it's just my opinion, "He always looked disappointed" is just as good and probably better than "The grey miasma of disappointment was permanently etched into his features". At present, it feels as if the story is hidden behind the description.

You are absolutely right on that and I now see the improvements that can be made by the other examples I've been critiqued for, I see that perhaps I was trying to be a bit too fancy, while I should instead focus on simply structured sentences and explanations and then get the feel for more poetic momentum when I get the hang of it.

A good proportion of the skill of writing is about not showing you're writing.

+Respect, quite a wise quote for writing! It does make me think that I do not need to have specific requirements to write, for writing comes from the creativity of the mind, the engagement of the reader and the inspirations of life!

However, congratulations on taking the first step in writing. Having the determination and wherewithal to give it a bash takes effort. It took me quite a long time before I had the nerve have a go.

I can see you're trying to create atmosphere and there are elements of interest hidden in the piece, but as @Toby Frost has mentioned sometime too much really is too much.

Thanks for the congratulations! It has been hard for me to actually take my first step, and with all the things in my mind, it has been quite distracting, yet I still manage to make decent writing, and I want to improve like all of you have!
You are actually quite right "Less is more" I see that perhaps I did add too many fancy haluminagaroons in my story, and to the 75/300 word writing game it does actually help quite a lot in trying to chisel down on what isn't needed, seeing this, I see that I must also focus on keeping on the quality of the sentence, while also removing all the fancy wording that doesn't fit with the scenario, or that it isn't needed. Thanks for that!

Really, thank you for the support and advice! I'm going to write another short scene while taking into consideration the guidance that you all have given me, and see if that perhaps improves what I've made!

 

[Joshua Jones]

Thanks for the welcome Joshua!

And, well for the part it's for WiP work more than critiques, sorry about that! I just couldn't quite get a full-page story to show correctly, so I thought that having a very small scene to critique on would be better for me to understand, but thank you for the warning

No worries!

Really, thank you for the support and advice! I'm going to write another short scene while taking into consideration the guidance that you all have given me, and see if that perhaps improves what I've made!

I look forward to seeing it. If you start feeling discouraged, please keep in mind that every person on this forum has been where you are, and this whole forum exists to help aspiring and experienced authors improve. One look at my contest entries will prove that I'm far from a perfect writer, and in spite of the sheer skill many of the other commentators demonstrate, they occasionally have momentary chinks in their armor.

If you want some examples of beautifully written scenes, check out the current 300 word challenge entries, and also HareBrain's recent submission to the critiques. It may take time, but if you stick with it, you'll find yourself rapidly improving.

 

[Fogged_Creation]

Here's another quick scene I made with my re-occuring characters I'm trying to work out.


⠀⠀Chaden swung his sword from his scabbard and readied himself from the bald pale woman in tattered robes, covered in many mortal wounds, he'd notice her suddenly give chase after she gave sight, her arms ached and outstretched toward the knight, slobbering and growling, hungrily she stepped forth with animalistically ill intent.
⠀⠀The knight raised his sword and shield in response to this sudden aggression, yet Chaden did not want to slash down a defenseless person, crazy or not. So he planted a purely defensive stance against the approaching lady, wanting to discern the reasons for her giving chase, he'd lightly pat his leather pouch, resulting in Chitt, the smart spider who had been resting in the dark, curiously poked her head out and quickly turned to eye the strange woman.
⠀
⠀⠀"Quite a mad lass this one is, eh?" Chaden innocently commented
⠀⠀"Why, that's a first for a human woman to be captivated solely by your dirty apperance, perhaps you may rest easy knowing that you'll find your first love, from what appears to be an animated corpse..." Grimly clarified Chitt, giving the answer with only a few glances at the shambling woman.

⠀⠀Chaden's expression turned into surprise, though while mostly ignoring the snarky insult, he would take in this discovery carefully, but at this point the woman eventually came close and met him against his shield, her struggles were sluggish, yet bent on it's approach to the knight, his shield effectively seperated her from himself, her jaws bit astray, wanting nothing more than to get ahead.
⠀⠀A good look at her face had been ever clear to Chitt's correction, she was most certainly dead. At least a dead that was alive.
⠀⠀The knight thought back, a traumatic memory brought him back to his younger self, into the past when all the people in his village died before shortly turning into these ravanous things, he shakes his head, trying to deny the thought, but it's a fact that most certainly happened, a past event of tragedy. He sees himself for where he was, what he could have done. He couldn't do anything, he was useless, he was an idiot, he was a clueless little child who didn't know any better.
⠀⠀His anger rose, there he felt like a boiling flare, he didn't want to even look at this decomposed face in front of him. With a violent twist, a sickening crack could be heard as he quickly rose his shield against the woman's chin, bashing her square in the jaw, the zombie opened it's mouth once more, only for all of it's teeth to drop ontto the dirt paved floor, only for his sword to shortly fall into the ground to meet the rows of cracked teeth that littered the soil.
⠀⠀The zombie recoiled while Chaden cracked his knuckles before positionning himself for another strike, with his gauntlet this time.


How's this look? I believe I somewhat improved, though it's a little less detailed and fancy. But I can manage with just the simplicty of action.
Though, thanks again for the wonderful support you give me, and many others mind you!

 

[Joshua Jones]

First, I want to make a quick observation that I think you're trying to churn out work too quickly. Assuming you began working on this immediately after posting the reply to everyone, you wrote that in 1 hour 15 minutes. There's no way you can tell me you went through multiple edits before posting. For me, I usually do 2-3 rounds of edits, spaced out at least 8 hours, before posting anything of my writing on here (be it for competitions, critiques, etc.). Preferably, I'll do this, get one or two people whose opinion I greatly value to look over it and give feedback, then do another round of editing or two, then post.

My encouragement to you would be to slow down, take your time, and enjoy the writing process. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and churning out work rapidly is usually more a vice than a virtue.

Short version of the critique is that it is an improvement in the sense that things are happening in it, and there are more than two sentences. That said, you still have quite a few run on sentences, and, to be frank, the combat feels like something which would happen in a Raid, Shadow Legends commercial. On the former, consider:

"Chaden swung his sword from his scabbard and readied himself from the bald pale woman in tattered robes, covered in many mortal wounds, he'd notice her suddenly give chase after she gave sight, her arms ached and outstretched toward the knight, slobbering and growling, hungrily she stepped forth with animalistically ill intent."

One sentence. I would break this down to about 3-4, or cut a significant amount of the filler out. Honestly, the first 2.5 sentences could be reduced down to a better version of something like, "Chaden drew his sword and stepped into a defensive stance as the pale, wounded, probably insane woman hobbled toward him." The rest of the detail is rather superfluous or is better included later (like her animalistic expression, which would be better observed as she is fighting against his shield).

Regarding the combat, I cannot, for the life of me, think of a situation where a trained knight would drop a perfectly good sword in favor of fisticuffs, if the intention is to cause actual harm. Him being angry would likely just cause him to clench the sword tighter and, perhaps, attack in a less disciplined manner. This is especially true when he has a shield strapped to his other arm, meaning he would only have one arm for punching. This seems to be more of a "rule of cool" moment, but it fails because, should you be angry, would you rather hit the focal point of your anger with your fist or with a 1 meter bit of sharpened steel, which you have been training with for a considerable period of time?

So, my best advice would be to slow down, read up a bit on what constitutes a run on sentence, and work on your editing skills. If you want to write this sort of fantasy, maybe also watch some videos of sword bouts between martial artists. It's going to take time and hard work, but it will be worth it.

 

[DLCroix]

Exactly, Fogged_Creation

You have to calm that enthusiasm a little. Because you are forgetting that your brain is like a blender, and depending on the materials you put inside, such as tips and theories, books on the subject, reading other books, and work and more work, rereading and cutting and editing of texts, just then you could more or less be in a position to dispatch something moderately decent. Otherwise you will only be shooting blindly. You have to nurture the writer in you. And patience is the first virtue that every warrior must learn, since we are on the subject.

And finally, also keep us in mind as readers. I think we have a right to have fun from time to time. We want to see work; not just improvisation.

 

[tinkerdan]

Echoing some of the above advice.
This thread would be good if you wanted to post an improvement(based on advice and your own thoughts on tightening the original post)to the original thread post and then after a few days, giving time for others to respond to the first thread, you might post the new material in a new thread.

I really have no problem with what your post not being a work in progress. Everything you write is essentially a work in progress even if you don't intend to publish or possibly even finish.

However, I think that new material should equal new thread--as that it is less confusing and possibly easier for you to digest the advice for the proper piece of work.

 

[InfiniteStarsDev]

I'm by no means an expert, but as the others have mentioned the long sentence is a bit hard to digest. I'm guilty of this too. What might help (it helps for me) is throwing my scenes into Hemingway App and Grammarly. They highlight difficult to read sentences - and i then use my judgement to decide if I agree with the AI or not.

I'm also a big fan of the em dash like you seem to be, and I love your descriptions. They might be a bit overkill, but again I am not an expert.

 

[Fogged_Creation]

Verily understood!

Il try my best to be more patient in my writing, and here I thought making one page worth or writing in an hour was slow enough as it is! Haha!

Buuut yeah. I do see the mistakes that could've been easily fixed, changed or even improved on. And now I've begun to realize the reason why my writing had been quickened and confusing. The cause would most likely have been me role-playing in World of Warcraft, Dungeons & Dragons and other RPG games, it made me a quick typer and one who took the habit in improvising as much as possible with maybe only a quick plan at the beginning Since when there's a lot of people doing the same thing, it makes it even harder to keep up with what's going on, I've learned a lot there, but it's not the same as peacefully writing a story over a piece of paper without any rush to finish it at any time.

I suppose while I have improved on making things on the spot quickly, I realize then and there on what you people were explaining about. The virtue of patience and how it is more heavily valued in the world of writing, the adventure and stories that take hold in the form of revised details and creative ventures, these make for easily understood and beautifully created scenes in the reader's mind, and taking it slow is the best way to take in all the details that you've just spouted out.

I've learned a lot just with this one post in the critiques section and I cannot begin to express my gratitude in at least knowing that I have not been alone in these creative ventures... and that It just simply takes time. That it is important to take it slow and steady in order to improve and learn from your mistakes, to make them better. Hell, you could even find an amazing idea in a mistake. That's how I like to imagine things I say!

Love this community so far! It has been perhaps as great as Warframe, and dare I say, that the community has been constantly helpful and nice all the way!

Here's to my first year in writing

 

[DLCroix]

So is. The good thing is that here you will always find someone willing to help you or give you advice with the best of intentions. Right here you can see in the threads many discussions about the literary world that will undoubtedly change your perspective and enrich you as a writer. Persevere, and soon you will see the fruits of your effort!

 

[chrispenycate]

I am not a school teacher. Admittedly, I'm just about the only member of my family not inclined that way, but I'm not patient enough (or sufficiently discipline inclined). But you need instruction in sentence structure, visualisation, consistency in linguistic forms and rhythm. I'll do grammar, word choice and punctuation, but I don't know if I can manage the rest. Have you any way to record your voice reading it out loud? Most computers nowadays seem to contain microphones, and mobile phones have to. I'm a retired sound engineer, so I can hear text straight off the page, but to judge the flow, and regulate the punctuation, listening to something is a different experience from reading it.
You wouldn't want me to rewrite hunks of your manuscript in my style - I wouldn't burden anyone with that. But, at least to start with, follow the rules - the time will come to start break-in a few, but believe me, it isn't here yet.

Research a little - look at styles and ages of armour, and choose a style - breast and backplate with mail, mediaeval plate, splint and scale pre-roman, renaissance articulated plate. This is fantasy, so mix and match: see a style for your knight, and another for his enemies (Unless those are all ex-friends) Work out his weaponry, which style of sword, does he use a lance, if so does he use stirrups…? None of which you are going to tell your readers, but if it is clear in your head they'll feel the reality within the creation.

⠀
Chaden swung his sword from his scabbard

You can't swing a sword from a scabbard, you draw it, with a nice, smooth linear motion. You might be able to swing it from a baldric, but wear your helm - odds are otherwise you'll cut your ear off.

and readied himself from

readied from? Surely not.

the pale bald woman in tattered robes, covered in many mortal wounds

I assume she's a zombie (or equivalent)? Mortal wounds kill you - though not necessarily instantly.

,

probably new sentence

he'd notice her suddenly give chase

All right, present or past tense? 'he'd' could be 'he had' or 'he would, while 'notice' is present tense, but most of the paragraph is past (imperfect, or simple past)

after she gave sight,

gave sight? Not a construction I recognise

her arms ached and outstrehed

typo - outstretched - and how does he know her arms ached?

toward the knight,

Probably new sentence

slobbering and growling, she stepped hungrily forth with animalistically ill intent.
⠀⠀The knight raised his sword and shield in response to this sudden aggression, yet Chaden did not want to slash down a defenceless person, crazy or not. So he planted a purely defensive stance against the approaching lady, wanting to

discern the reasons? There must be a more elegant way of saying 'understand why'

discern the reasons for her giving chase, he'd lightly pat his leather pouch, resulting in Chitt, the smart spider who had been resting in the dark, curiously poked her head out and quickly turned to eye the strange woman.

that is a very messy bit of text, and it would be 'curiously poking her head out' and 'turning to eye'.

⠀
⠀⠀"Quite a mad lass this one is, eh?" Chaden commented innocently

full stop (period) ]
⠀⠀"Why, that's a first for a human woman to be captivated solely by your dirty appearance,

perhaps you may rest easy knowing that you'll find your first love, from what appears to be an animated corpse..." grimly clarified Chitt, giving the answer with only a few glances at the shambling woman.

⠀⠀Chaden's expression turned into surprise, though while mostly ignoring the snarky insult, he would take in this discovery carefully, but at this point the woman eventually came close and met him against his shield, her struggles were sluggish, yet bent on it's approach to the knight, his shield effectively seperated her from himself, her jaws bit astray, wanting nothing more than to get ahead.
⠀⠀A good look at her face had been ever clear to Chitt's correction, she was most certainly dead. At least a dead that was alive.

I do not understand what this sentence is trying to say at all.

⠀⠀The knight thought back,

comma splice

a traumatic memory brought him back to his younger self, into the past when all the people in his village died before shortly turning into these ravanous

ravenous

things,

Probably new sentence

he shakes his head, trying to deny the thought, but it's a fact that most certainly happened, a past event of

a past tragic event?

tragedy. He sees himself for

do we need that 'for'?

where he was, what he could have done.

Since all this is in past tense, consider the pluperfect for events he remembers from before 'he hadn't been able to', he had been useless, possibly leave out the 'he was' from before the clueless child.

He couldn't do anything, he was useless, he was an idiot, he was a clueless little child who didn't know any better.
⠀⠀His anger rose, there

There? Perhaps 'then', or 'and' (or nothing at all)

he felt like a boiling flare, he didn't want to even look

split infinitive

at this decomposed face in front of him. With a violent twist, a sickening crack could be heard as he quickly rose his shield against the woman's chin, bashing her square in the jaw,

Probably new sentence

the zombie opened it's

its (it's is a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has'

mouth once more, only for all of it's

its (it's is a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has'

teeth to drop ontto

onto

the dirt paved floor, only for his sword to shortly fall into the ground to meet the rows of cracked teeth that littered the soil.
⠀⠀The zombie recoiled while Chaden cracked his knuckles before positionning

positioning

himself for another strike, with his gauntlet this time.