Rain (Beginning of a chapter in the middle of my WIP)

[msstice]

(I realize you have no context, but I hope even this short excerpt will reveal enough context to tell you what this episode is about. Please critique on _anything_ you wish. Many thanks in advance for your time and brain cycles!)


"Wait, wait, before we go further down this path, are we quite sure the Terrans
aren't causing the rain?" the wrinkled woman asked earnestly. She took the
silver ball she was holding and threw it from her seat. The ball rose from the
little balcony she was sitting at, rose above the gallery of people sitting in
identical balconies, crossed the curving concavity of the amphitheater, dove
towards the identical gallery on the other side, finally landing on Gery's lap.

Gery turned the ball over in his hands with careful consideration. "The Terran
faction that we were communicating with and that claimed to be responsible for
the Parvat-Bhuj is most certainly too primitive. There are no other factions who
appear to have radio. All of the other factions we have had some contact with
are too primitive. It is _possible_ there is an unknown faction that is ... a
century more advanced than those we know of, and that faction is responsible for
this rain of Parvat-Bhuj-ala. But for reasons I will explain, this is very
unlikely." Gery looked over across the amphitheater to a balcony above him that
was sparkling brightly, sighed imperceptibly, and tossed the ball, which rose up
in a graceful arc and headed for the source of the shimmering light.

"In the report Morden of Harbor clearly states the Terrans are immune to the
Parvat-Bhuj, strongly suggesting a Terran origin to the Parvat-Bhuj. They would
certainly make sure they were immune to their own super weapon. Why don't you
just admit you botched a delicate diplomatic mission by sending in your goon
Morden and so pissed off the Terrans that they are no longer talking to us, and
are now hell bent on punishing us. We have to prepare another diplomatic mission
and go beg the Terrans for clemency. And you have to step down as head of the
council!"

The ball came back to Gery. It was a very Mak question-statement. He had no
ill-will towards Mak. Mak had been a prominent Emmett adherent, and like all such
strong adherents, Mak had great difficulty in admitting possibilities other than
what Emmett had been feeding him for years now. Bottling up all kinds of
feelings of annoyance, Gery gathered his thoughts to start his reply.

A balcony started to flash insistently before he had a chance to begin. From
across the amphitheater, a furious Rom of Salisbury was demanding the ball.
Wisely, Gery held onto it and strangled the smile that tried to creep across his
face. With great composure he said, "As Marsden of Hope indeed has conveyed to
us, the Terran mission did discover the interesting fact that there is something
about Terra that inactivates the Parvat-Bhuj. We do not yet know what it is, but
it is our only piece of information to date that gives us hope the Parvat-Bhuj
can be stopped.

"While it is perhaps possible that the technology of the Parvat-Bhuj was
initially of Terran origin, perhaps from around the time of the fragmentation,
it is very unlikely any contemporary Terrans are actually in control of the
Parvat-Bhuj." A hubhub spread across the amphitheater. Numerous balconies
flashed, demanding the ball.

Gery ignored them. "The Terran gravity well is, as you know, deep. The
level of industrial activity required to launch such a quantity of
Parvat-Bhuj-ala into the solar system -" he stopped exasperated and tossed the
ball to a young homesteader called Mika. Mika was an unofficial spokesperson for
a particular group of homesteaders who had caused a lot of headaches for Gery
recently. Mika tossed the ball to a young lady who was squirming in her balcony.

"We are conveniently ignoring the alien origin of the Rain." she began, to a
round of applause from the homesteader gallery.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I struggled to understand the setting and the purpose of the ball and this distracted me from following the dialog. I assume that the setting is some sort of senate and the ball is some sort of speaking stick. Could the opening provide a little more background so as not to distract my attention during the dialog?

Assuming this is a senate, I found the language a little too conversational for the setting. Perhaps make the language a little more formal and flowery with some underlying digs at opponents.

I felt the introduction of Mika to be info dumpy. Perhaps have each speaker identify himself or herself at the start of each dialog. This might also make sense in the context of a large hall where the speaker is not easily visible to all.

This sounds like it should be a pivotal chapter that summarizes conflicts among various competing groups. I find myself curious as to the predecessor action leading to this chapter and also wonder how the various factions will then move forward. Overall, it seems to be a very promising plot line.

 

[sule]

"Wait, wait, before we go further down this path, are we quite sure the Terrans
aren't causing the rain?" the wrinkled woman asked earnestly. She took the
silver ball she was holding and threw it from her seat. The ball rose from the
little balcony she was sitting at, rose above the gallery of people sitting in
identical balconies, crossed the curving concavity of the amphitheater, dove
towards the identical gallery on the other side, finally landing on Gery's lap.

Unless this is the second or third time the story has gone to this Senate building, I don't like this as an opening for a scene because it doesn't ground the reader in the setting where this is taking place. You tell us there are balconies and people sitting in an amphitheater, but we are left completely in the dark as to what this place is and why the scene is taking place there. We also start with the wrinkled old woman, who is not our POV character for the scene, so I was thrown for the first paragraph as I tried to discern what was taking place and who we were supposed to be following. I also found it weird that, as we went along, just about every other character who spoke was given either a name or a group that they belonged to while this old woman doesn't. (One more thing: I personally don't like adverbs in dialogue attribution, especially if the writer could find a way to get that info across in the words being spoken or in some action the character could do instead of just saying they said it "earnestly". This is a personal taste, however.)

Gery turned the ball over in his hands with careful consideration. "The Terran
faction that we were communicating with and that claimed to be responsible for
the Parvat-Bhuj is most certainly too primitive. There are no other factions who
appear to have radio. All of the other factions we have had some contact with
are too primitive. It is _possible_ there is an unknown faction that is ... a
century more advanced than those we know of, and that faction is responsible for
this rain of Parvat-Bhuj-ala. But for reasons I will explain, this is very
unlikely." Gery looked over across the amphitheater to a balcony above him that
was sparkling brightly, sighed imperceptibly, and tossed the ball, which rose up
in a graceful arc and headed for the source of the shimmering light.

I felt there was too much uninterrupted speaking in this whole passage--I understand that there's probably not a lot of activity going on--but perhaps you could intercut dialogue with the POV's internal thoughts, or the reactions of the crowd listening so that it doesn't feel like a bunch of talking heads.

"In the report Morden of Harbor clearly states the Terrans are immune to the
Parvat-Bhuj, strongly suggesting a Terran origin to the Parvat-Bhuj. They would
certainly make sure they were immune to their own super weapon. Why don't you
just admit you botched a delicate diplomatic mission by sending in your goon
Morden and so pissed off the Terrans that they are no longer talking to us, and
are now hell bent on punishing us. We have to prepare another diplomatic mission
and go beg the Terrans for clemency. And you have to step down as head of the
council!"

The ball came back to Gery. It was a very Mak question-statement. He had no
ill-will towards Mak. Mak had been a prominent Emmett adherent, and like all such
strong adherents, Mak had great difficulty in admitting possibilities other than
what Emmett had been feeding him for years now. Bottling up all kinds of
feelings of annoyance, Gery gathered his thoughts to start his reply.

I think this part encapsulates my previous problem. First--we have no idea who is speaking until after they are done. Second, it is just a block of dialogue followed by a block of reaction. It would feel a lot more organic to me if Gery's reactions were intercutting what Mak was saying and we knew who he was while he spoke.

A balcony started to flash insistently before he had a chance to begin. From
across the amphitheater, a furious Rom of Salisbury was demanding the ball.
Wisely, Gery held onto it and strangled the smile that tried to creep across his
face. With great composure he said, "As Marsden of Hope indeed has conveyed to
us, the Terran mission did discover the interesting fact that there is something
about Terra that inactivates the Parvat-Bhuj. We do not yet know what it is, but
it is our only piece of information to date that gives us hope the Parvat-Bhuj
can be stopped.

"While it is perhaps possible that the technology of the Parvat-Bhuj was
initially of Terran origin, perhaps from around the time of the fragmentation,
it is very unlikely any contemporary Terrans are actually in control of the
Parvat-Bhuj." A hubhub spread across the amphitheater. Numerous balconies
flashed, demanding the ball.

Gery ignored them. "The Terran gravity well is, as you know, deep. The
level of industrial activity required to launch such a quantity of
Parvat-Bhuj-ala into the solar system -" he stopped exasperated and tossed the
ball to a young homesteader called Mika. Mika was an unofficial spokesperson for
a particular group of homesteaders who had caused a lot of headaches for Gery
recently. Mika tossed the ball to a young lady who was squirming in her balcony.

"We are conveniently ignoring the alien origin of the Rain." she began, to a
round of applause from the homesteader gallery.

The rest of this passage is honestly the best part of it, mostly because I as a reader finally felt I had enough information to keep up with what was going on. A few quibbles: 1) Gery "wisely" doing anything sounds off because--to my knowledge--he is the POV character and so it seems strange that he is editorializing his own doings. 2) Gery twice ignores people calling for the speaking ball--both times after he or someone else has completed a thought--then allows himself to be interrupted (in the middle of making what read to me as the most salient argument for his position) but we are given no real reason as to why he allows himself to be interrupted. Even more, the interruption completely halts the forward progression of the scene by introducing yet another unnamed character who then begins discussing something that I assumed was already hashed out in the earlier parts of the scene. (They're ignoring the alien origins of the Rain? I thought Mak's entire point about the Rain coming from the Terrans already established that they don't know the origins of the Rain, so I don't understand why this girl pointing out something previously established gains a round of applause. Or are the Rain and the Parvat-Bhuj two distinct entities? That wasn't made clear in the passage.)

Personal thoughts: I think you've got an interesting premise, but for me this scene is too much exposition and I don't get enough of the conflict going on between all these bureaucrats. As a reader, I would like more context about who these characters are and what they want from this scene: What does Gery want to convince the Senate of? What obstacles are being thrown in the way of him accomplishing that goal? The things that happen in this scene could be constructed as those obstacles, but I didn't feel that the main character wanted anything and so each time something happened I didn't know how that helped or hindered him. So I think this scene has promise, so long as you add in the context and conflict that for me was lacking throughout.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think my big concern is the lack of POV use. The result is that you're focused on describing the visuals, as if we're watching it, rather than what the POV character is experiencing. The result is that everything feels very distant and lacks meaning that would otherwise engage.

A couple of suggestions - at the beginning, name the woman, and tell us what the ball is - all the classic Sf writers would have given it a gizmodic name. Even if it doesn't explain anything, we should be able to get the gist of what it is and for by how Gery uses it. 2c.

 

[BT Jones]

Echoing the above comments, I also struggled with picturing the scene, as well as understanding what the ball was for. The dialogue was very info-dumpy and loaded with technobabble. I didn't really get a feel for the people involved; who they were, what their objectives were, etc. I think the fact this isn't the opening chapter of your story might count against you here.

From personal experience, I joined back in February this year, and had the opportunity to post a piece for critique back in March after my 30th post. But I didn't end up posting it until last month or so, after about a 200-odd posts. Seeing this is your 32nd post since March, I think it will definitely help you to engage in this forum more, take part in the weekly challenges and some general discussion on other books, films, etc.

I can't tell you how much it has helped me as a budding writer. I've picked up so many good habits reading the excellent work here, particularly from @Victoria Silverwolf, @Teresa Edgerton, @The Judge, and many of the other experienced members of the forum, especially in terms of narrative efficiency and how to make every single word count.

I was probably writing very similar to you in some ways as recently as early this year, focusing too much on information download, and less on flow and lyricism.

I haven't checked but have you participated in any of the monthly writing challenges?

 

[msstice]

I thank everyone for the thoughtful and detailed comments. I specially thank @Wayne Mack and @sule for their detailed comments that helped me with specific points.

Here is a rewrite, just putting it here, in case anyone was interested in progression, with some comments at the very end.

---

The silver haired lady, with kind wrinkles around her eyes, looked intently
across at Gery. She gripped the silver speaking ball with both hands and asked
"Before we go further down this path, are we quite sure the Terrans aren't
causing the rain?" She threw the ball from her seat. The ball rose from the
little balcony she was sitting at, rose above the gallery of displaced Kirnians
she was embedded in, crossed the empty center of the immense spherical
amphitheater lined tightly with balconies and seats of different colors and
styles, but all of the same identical size, then dove towards the gallery where
the people of Salisbury sat, landing finally on Gery's lap.

Gery turned the ball over in his hands, contemplating its mirror smooth surface.
Almost all the people of the Olber were represented there, as a thousand stylistic
reflected faces. It was a recent touch to the assembly hall they had been
using ever since he was a little child. He decided he liked the old plain red ball
much better. The shiny silver new one reminded him of the hollow
ostentatiousness of Emmett.

Gery looked up back towards the refugees from Kirnis. "As we now know from the
reports from the Terran mission, the Terrans aren't a unified entity. There are
several, perhaps many, tribes, some of of whom are isolated and unaware of each
other. They are all too primitive to create this system-wide rain of
Parvat-Bhuj.

There was a low hubhub from across the amphitheater. Gery pressed on over it.
"The Terrans we are in communication with are just one faction, not governors of
all of Terra, as they led us to believe. Yes, they have radio, they have some
remnants of a previous technology-rich civilization, but it is clear they don't
have the level of expertise to be the cause of the Rain. They have deceived us.
They have lied to us in order to use us for their own narrow gain in a regional
conflict with other Terrans."

The amphitheater lit up with flashing lights as hundreds of citizens demanded
their right to speak. The assembly hall had damped out their voices, for Gery
could tell from the images of their faces that many were shouting loudly. Gery
waited for some calm to return. As the ruckus died down Gery scanned the curving
grid all around him. A few flashing lights remained, still demanding the ball.

A balcony a few rows above him was one of them. Without looking at his display
Gery knew who it was. He debated whether to use his position and carry on, or to
yield. Better to face the inevitable. He sighed, tossed the ball without looking
and leaned back, crossing his arms. The ball curved swiftly to land on the edge
of the Salisbury gallery. The man sitting there gripped the ball angrily.

"In the report," he said, curling his lips, "Morden of Harbor clearly states the Terrans are immune to the
Parvat-Bhuj, strongly suggesting a Terran origin to the Parvat-Bhuj. They would
certainly make sure they were immune to their own super weapon. Why don't you
just admit you botched a delicate diplomatic mission by sending in your goon
Morden?

"Many here hold you personally responsible for the destruction of Kirnis,
and the deaths of innumerable Kirnians, which is, quite clearly, retaliation
from Terra in response to the atrocity you caused. We have to prepare another
diplomatic mission and go beg the Terrans for clemency. And you have to step
down as head of the council. It is your egotistic clinging to this fantasy
of a primitive Terra that endangers all of us in the Olber!"

The ball came back to Gery. It was a very Mak question-statement. He had no
ill-will towards Mak. Mak had been a prominent Emmett adherent, and like all such
strong adherents, Mak had great difficulty in admitting possibilities other than
what Emmett had been feeding him for years now. Bottling up all kinds of
feelings of annoyance, Gery gathered his thoughts to start his reply.

A balcony nearby to his left started to flash insistently before he had a chance
to begin. Rom of Salisbury was demanding the ball. He could see her furious face
in his mind, could hear what she would say. He strangled the smile that tried to
creep across his face. Rom's sarcastic, sharp retort, building on an anger that
must have been boiling for months now, since her return from Terra, would play
well with many, but it would just enrage Mak further. The Olber did not need to
be fractured any more. Gery held on to the ball.

"As Marsden of Hope has indeed conveyed to us," he began with composure, "the
Terran mission did discover the interesting fact that there is something about
Terra that inactivates the Parvat-Bhuj. We do not yet know what it is, but
it is our only piece of information to date that gives us hope the Parvat-Bhuj
can be stopped.

"While it is perhaps possible that the technology of the Parvat-Bhuj was
initially of Terran origin, perhaps from around the time of the fragmentation,
it is very unlikely any contemporary Terrans are actually in control it
anymore."

A hubhub rose once again across the amphitheater. Numerous balconies flashed,
demanding the ball.

Gery pushed through, determined to finish, hands tightly on the ball. "The deep
Terran gravity well demands a high level of expertise and industrial activity to
launch out of." He paused, looking fiercely around the amphitheater. A few of
the lights wavered and flickered out. "If the Terrans were launching a rain of
Parvat-Bhuj throughout the solar system, we would have seen it. Seen the glow of
their rockets, seen the disturbance of the atmosphere, tracked the masses
leaving the planet. We have not. Nothing is coming out of Terra!"

He saw, with some grim satisfaction, that his appeal to fact was making an
impression. He knew what the ex-Emmett faction would be bringing up next, and he
prepared mentally for it. The invocations of advanced technology that were not
detectable by the primitive Olberan instruments. A hypothesis that neatly tied
up all observations of Terra by proposing an advanced mysterious civilization
that lived basically by magic. Gery allowed a look of exasperation to cross his
face. He felt he was allowed that.

Too late, he noticed whose lights were still on. Too late he noted that the ball
had left his lap of its own accord, the assembly hall having decided from his
silence, and from the insistence of the calls from a small, but ferocious group,
that it was their turn to be heard. The ball arced away from him and flew up -
at least up from his current orientation - and landed somewhere in a group
sitting at the pole of amphitheater. He barely had a chance to register the face
of the man who had first caught the ball, before the ball had been tossed over
to a young woman visibly squirming in her seat. Gery hoped the assembly hall had
squelched the groan that had escaped his lips. Not this. Not this, again.

The young lady sitting up above at the pole, twirled the ball in her hands
flippantly. Then she looked out intently. "We are conveniently ignoring the
alien origin of the Rain." she began, to a round of rousing applause from her group.

---

@Wayne Mack
1. Added some context to the setting. I might introduce the assembly earlier in the book, in which case I might cut out some of the explanation, or might leave it in as refresher
2. Not a senate, but more a town hall, full of ordinary citizens.
3. No mention of Mika. I will work something in once I elaborate, in another chapter, about the group that is convinced of the alien origin of the Rain

@sule (Very detailed comments, thank you!)
1. Yes, good points absolutely. I have the kindly silver haired elderly refugee from Kirnis in an earlier chapter. She remains nameless throughout the book. I'm trying it out. I haven't addressed all your points about this opening, but perhaps some of them. I might insert the town hall also earlier in the book (with Emmett holding court) but I haven't gotten that chapter yet. (also to @Brian G Turner 's point)
2. Tried to reduce the talking heads effect with reactions from the audience. Thank you for the suggestion!
3. Same, but I still have a block of text for Gery. Will work on it more
4. So Rain = a hail of little Parvat-Bhuj that grow into bigger Parvat-Bhuj. Sorry, this context comes in earlier chapters. Tried to reduce the confusion now
5. So, yes, is rain alien or is it Terran? There is a third option, which Gery proposes next (not shown). I'm ok with you wondering why, but I hope in the rewrite I explain better that Gery thinks the alien theory to be crack pot.
6. Will keep working on the conflict and context. Thanks! Thanks!

@BT Jones
1. Could you give examples of the technobabble? Thanks.

Again, you all are wonderful. Thank you! Thank you!

 

[sule]

I think your rewrite has done a lot in terms of adding the context that I felt was lacking in the first passage. After reading it I understand a lot more about who these characters are and what it is they're arguing about. I also liked the brief introspective paragraphs you added for Gery as he anticipated the next move of his opponents. It allowed to me to more fully understand his character. I think from what I've seen that this rewriting of the scene works for me; the only problems I have with it are a few sentences that I felt were too long and that's mostly personal taste.

 

[Mad Alice]

Very nicely written. Has a good draws you in and grabs you and shakes you sort of thing going.

Sometimes in writing things like this adding in an outsider to become the eyes of the audience works.
For example Harry Potter acts as the outsider that has to have everything explained to him and experiences everything as an outsider to the world he is beine introduced to. This is sometimes done in the narrators voice providing an overview of events.
If you want to take it a step further you don't actually need the character, nor do you need a narrator voice, you only need to remember that the character is there in the form of the audience and must be taken into consideration.

 

[BT Jones]

Sorry, technobabble is probably the wrong term. I guess I just never understood what the Parvat-Bhuj was, so every time it was mentioned in tandem with something else, the sentence just lost me.

"In the report Morden of Harbor clearly states the Terrans are immune to the
Parvat-Bhuj, strongly suggesting a Terran origin to the Parvat-Bhuj

"While it is perhaps possible that the technology of the Parvat-Bhuj was
initially of Terran origin, perhaps from around the time of the fragmentation,
it is very unlikely any contemporary Terrans are actually in control of the
Parvat-Bhuj."

I much prefer the rewrite. There are still one or two lines that could be tightened, such as:

The ball rose from the
little balcony she was sitting at, rose above the gallery of displaced Kirnians
she was embedded in, crossed the empty center of the immense spherical
amphitheater lined tightly with balconies and seats of different colors and
styles, but all of the same identical size, then dove towards the gallery where
the people of Salisbury sat, landing finally on Gery's lap.

It's a good habit to reread every section for word repetition, like 'rose' above.

 

[Joshua Jones]

Thank you for sharing this! I like the idea you seem to be going for here, and I'm definitely curious to learn more about what's going on.

I cannot honestly say whether I prefer the first or second version, as this will depend substantially on what precedes this selection. If this is the first reference to this body, then the second is preferable, as it provides more context. If there is prior discussion, though, you could well remove the duplicative references. But, without that context, I can't really comment effectively on if the additional context is preferable.

There were a few things which struck me on both reads though. First, I noticed some POV issues, especially toward the beginning. It seems to open with a close 3rd person perspective of the silver haired lady, then a close 3rd of the silver ball, then either a close 3rd of Gery or a 3rd person omniscient that focuses on Gery. In broad terms, you want to focus on one POV throughout a scene, or it makes it more difficult for the reader to follow who's doing what.

Second, I feel some of the descriptions are a little too far on the info dump spectrum. For example:

The ball rose from the little balcony she was sitting at, rose above the gallery of people sitting in identical balconies, crossed the curving concavity of the amphitheater, dove towards the identical gallery on the other side, finally landing on Gery's lap.

Or:

The ball rose from the little balcony she was sitting at, rose above the gallery of displaced Kirnians she was embedded in, crossed the empty center of the immense spherical amphitheater lined tightly with balconies and seats of different colors and styles, but all of the same identical size, then dove towards the gallery where the people of Salisbury sat, landing finally on Gery's lap.

In either case, you're providing a good deal of information which may or may not be necessary for the reader. Ultimately, barring hiding a Chekhov's gun in there somewhere, it would seem what you need to communicate here is that the ball was thrown/flew across the chamber and came to Gery. You're trying to set the scene, but I think most of the details from this are interspersed through the rest of the story (the fact that it's an amphitheater, the galleries and balconies, the delegation from Salisbury, etc. are all referenced elsewhere). Also, until it's revealed that the ball is self powered and can navigate on its own accord, this same passage reads as very passive. So, may I suggest something to the effect of:

The ball rose and flew itself across the amphitheater, finally landing on Gery's lap.

While this is definitely not perfect (I really don't like "flew itself" but it's a placeholder...), I think this is a much more succinct way of communicating the needed information (that the ball is self propelled, that the scene takes place in a large open area, and that it flew to Gery) without adding the additional info that will be naturally shown elsewhere.

Between the two, it almost feels like this is written more as a screenplay than as a novel/novella/short story. What I mean is, between the perspective jumps and the detail, it feels, to me anyway, rather like giving camera directions than narrative. To be fair, this gets better as it goes, but the opening especially almost feels like you're trying to get it to read like as movie is seen.

The good part, though, is I think it's a pretty easy fix. Just stick closer to your POV and cut back on some of the details that aren't necessary (or space them out throughout the scene/proceeding scenes), and I think that itself will work out this issue.

Great job on this, and I look forward to seeing where this goes!

 

[msstice]

Between the two, it almost feels like this is written more as a screenplay than as a novel/novella/short story. What I mean is, between the perspective jumps and the detail, it feels, to me anyway, rather like giving camera directions than narrative. To be fair, this gets better as it goes, but the opening especially almost feels like you're trying to get it to read like as movie is seen.

Funny you should mention this. The way most of the skeleton of this novel has happened is that I'll see scenes in my head, in great detail, just pop up. They are not in order, and very brief. When I start to write, that's when the dialog appears and the characters form. I have to get better at synthesizing the two modes.

 

[Capricorn42]

There is an interesting story here but I personally feel it is over-described, so the story is being swamped in description which it doesn't need.

This piece is a good example. I need to know that there's a conflict between the speakers, I need to know who they are. The 'man' who catches the ball could be deleted, the woman is the key character. Then she is flippant, then intent. Too much description for me, I'm afraid. I think that this piece could be rewritten as just two or three sentences, which would allow me to focus more on what's important, I.E. the dialogue.

Too late, he noticed whose lights were still on. Too late he noted that the ball
had left his lap of its own accord, the assembly hall having decided from his
silence, and from the insistence of the calls from a small, but ferocious group,
that it was their turn to be heard. The ball arced away from him and flew up -
at least up from his current orientation - and landed somewhere in a group
sitting at the pole of amphitheater. He barely had a chance to register the face
of the man who had first caught the ball, before the ball had been tossed over
to a young woman visibly squirming in her seat. Gery hoped the assembly hall had
squelched the groan that had escaped his lips. Not this. Not this, again.
The young lady sitting up above at the pole, twirled the ball in her hands
flippantly. Then she looked out intently.

 

[Matchu]

Hi @msstice

This is your paragraph:

The silver haired lady, with kind wrinkles around her eyes, looked intently
across at Gery. She gripped the silver speaking ball with both hands and asked
"Before we go further down this path, are we quite sure the Terrans aren't
causing the rain?" She threw the ball from her seat. The ball rose from the
little balcony she was sitting at, rose above the gallery of displaced Kirnians
she was embedded in, crossed the empty center of the immense spherical
amphitheater lined tightly with balconies and seats of different colors and
styles, but all of the same identical size, then dove towards the gallery where
the people of Salisbury sat, landing finally on Gery's lap.

I'm wavering a little, always advising toward concision like an old bore-horn, but surely, surely for the prose to skip, for my eyes, for my attention to skip along on this journey, & singing to your tune, we require only:

1 The silver haired lady gripped the silver ball with both hands ...enter 'white haired woman,' mmm.
2 "Are the Terrans causing the [this] rain?"
3 She threw the ball [inside the ampitheatre (?)]
4 landing on Gery's lap.

I suppose we might journey in the complete other direction? But then, you, author, would need to elevate the language, and make the prose taste very very good. Drafting often fixes this problem, or turns the situation hellish purple gruel...reject...

The silver haired lady, with wrinkles stretched around her eyes gazed intently toward Gery's head. She gripped the talking ball with both [of her] haggard fists, [she] declared to the assembly

"Before we travel along this path, are we all quite certain the Terrans are nO't
the causation of such downpours?"

She tossed the ball from her palm.

The ball arose from the balcony guttering, arose above the woman stood in her gallery of displaced Kirnians, and hurtled down the empty center of the immense spherical amphitheater, plummetting toward the grandest seats, and the grand people of Salisbury, and where The ball rolled upon Gery's lap.

SO, I suppose, at least my idiotic exercise [it's raining outside] has demonstrated our need for our precision with our parabolas - matching the mind's eye, y'know. I hope I helped a little bit, all the best...and even 'break up' the paragraphs..

Mat