The Serpent Wife

[JJewel]

The idea came from from my usual back ground music, Leonard Cohen`s the Gypsy Wife began then The Birthday Partys Zoo Music Girl and Release the Bats. I always illustrate my work, it helps me visualise it so it comes with three images that tie in. I have two writing styles, one is Paul Cain / Ted Lewis fast run detective in style the second is poetic, where I mix the ideas and rules of poetry into my stories.

Anyway let the torture begin, I have never been critiqued before so am preparing for the pain .

I present to you The Serpent Wife

The Serpent Wife

-0-
​

Coming home from the war had been rough, the madness he thought he had left behind followed him, dogged his step every inch of the way. Each time he turned around he would see that extra set of footsteps upon his trail, ever closer.

He came home and settled in the village he had been born in, surrounded by his friends from youth and yet it wasn’t enough. Still, the footsteps came closer taunting him, and each night he would feel the breath of the beast upon his back.

He spent his days at the local steelyard, working where most of the young in his village took jobs. At night he partied and drank at the Jolly Drunkard, it was here he took his bride to be.

The Carnies came from afar and one morning a field had gone and in its place a tent of stripes and light adorned. There were treats for all ages for both young and old, from Rides and Lions to Elephants galore.

But the freakshow, ooh the freakshow, here our wounded soldier found solace and a home from home. The monkey boy and his tailed posterior to the Tumourous man and his leprous exterior. He would look and laugh and see mirrors that reflect his damaged interior.

On his visit and return, he remained beguiled by the lady of snakes, her hands of webs, her nictitas eyes. Her beauty unbidden did his dreams fill. On the third day, his bravery aroused, he watched her dance for the crowd. Dance to the sound of the generator, her snakes wound sinuous, her long hair unbound.

Later approached her room as the moon unbidden shone down, a gently tap, a nervous knock. She bid him enter, her caravan decked out in glitter and glow. He nervously stated his intent to this lady of serpentine grace and so she agreed just so.

He wined her and dined her, took her to drink and took her to bed. A mere seven days to pass before the wounded soldier did have her voice and her heart to be his in the local churchyard. And for a time his dreams were stilled, his sinuous wife by his side. His hunter dispelled, no longer close by to create such nightly fear.

Manasa, his lady of delight, would dance for him and dispel the monsters of the night and they would sleep close, warm together as husband and wife. And his hunter would stand back and fume, Manasa keeping him far away.

And one night he awoke, cold breath on his neck, alone in his bed. His Manasa gone, maybe fled? He walked the village calling her name, but no answer came. The moon overhead guided his way. The bar was still full but he required no drink, he wanted his wife, his fine serpentine wife. He crawled back home and took a drink, the morning came and he was not alone.

Manasa laughed at his words, she had not left his side, he dreamed again of bad times, old times she assured. And so the days drifted by until once more he felt the hunter's breath close, close and hungry. Awakening under the light of the moon through the window he lay alone, such a large bed for one man.

Once more wandering the village, calling her name. Manasa was not to be found, she was not upon the field of sheep or the river of corruption that ran through the village. She was not wandering lost through the darkened alleys of the cobbled streets.

Drawn by the lights of the rowdy bar he stepped in seeking the solace of a drink. And there Sean, playing old army drums and Patrick his old fiddle. The music was low and haunting, surrounded by the claps of the menfolk. And there his serpent wife dancing close to the Bakers Boy Lil Crae.

He awoke next day, once more his fair wife lying by his side. He shook her awake and demanded much aloud. She looked at him wide nictitas eyed and surprised, such questions for you to ask me she replied. I have been with you my love through this night and every night.

Her words did soothe and her beguiling eyes did charm and soon he thought no more of such an unlikely thing. And so his bliss continued on and the hunter kept away. Soon she told him a childe to expect, a little arrival to complete the family. Overcome with joy they danced through the night and slept till late in the day.

And so alas once more as the moon shone through the window he awoke alone, his bed as empty as his heart. No more to be fooled he called, no more to be a dupe to my lovely Manasa. His heart filled with rage, his hand seeking solace in his old father's axe.

He marched to the bar and found it empty and quiet, he marched to the field of sheep and saw nothing he sought, the river ignored his demands and finally atop the hill he saw the old church ablaze with light. And as he approached he heard music that made him lengthen his stride.

The church doors lay open and the music came from inside. Sean was playing the drums and Pat his old fiddle, accompanied by the clapping of the folk inside. He stepped within rage upon his mind finding all the town folk awatching his wife.

She writhed upon the altar of the nailed god, her skin jewelled and scaled, the moonlight played upon it through the vision of Christ. Her nictitas eyes watched the crowd, her clawed hands beckoning them on. The crowds shuffled in time, and they chanted along.

Hail the Goddess Manasa, may she rule us long! He rushed through the crowd, his rage was raw and seen. They parted for him and let him by, he raised his Axe and to Manasa he went. Raising it high with the intent to smight. She merely laughed showing fangs of white.


Come, my love, my wounded soldier, you have given me what I want, come to me was what she did say. He saw her nictitas gaze and fell before her, lost in shame. She took him upon the altar, calling out to her congregation, call my name!

Oh Manasa, Apep, Naga and Ophi they cried
Oh Nirah, Tiamat, Bai Suzhen accept our offering
Oh bride of Yig bless us

She writhed upon his body, accepting their offering
She writhed upon his body and finally accepting his offering
​

He awoke in the morning, feeling refreshed, the sun shone through and by his side his beautiful bride. She looked at him with her hypnotic nictitas gaze, arose and smiling down leaned over to kiss him. Rest well my dutiful husband, you please me, let me fetch you breakfast in return.

​

 

[Droflet]

You sir, have a real talent. Who, me surprised? You bet. I won't concern myself with my few minor niggles. Just keep doing what you do. Well done.

 

[JJewel]

You sir, have a real talent. Who, me surprised? You bet. I won't concern myself with my few minor niggles. Just keep doing what you do. Well done.

That was a brutal and harsh critique, are they always this painful? .. Thanks Droflet, your words are appreciated.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I liked the story about the serpent lady but felt the wounded soldier thread was superfluous. The story could have just as easily started with the fourth paragraph, "The Carnies came ..." Perhaps tie the hunter dreams more tightly or discard entirely. As a short story, I would like to see both threads resolved by the end. (Aside: This would also work as a wonderful intro into a Sword and Sorcery tale, in which case leaving the soldier thread unresolved for the moment would work).

I felt the pacing was a little choppy and as a personal preference, I dislike a stream of short paragraphs. I feel like I am reading an annotated outline rather than a flowing story. In several places, I feel paragraphs could easily be merged without any rewrite and this might provide me with a more continuous feel.

One in the weeds nit, I felt the phrase, "here our wounded soldier," jarred me out of the third person into an omniscient narrator. A minor reword might help.

I liked the serpent lady thread and felt it came to a good conclusion. I wonder if the hunter/wounded warrior thread could be used to create a little more conflict during the tale and brought into a darker conclusion at the end as well.

 

[JJewel]

I liked the story about the serpent lady but felt the wounded soldier thread was superfluous. The story could have just as easily started with the fourth paragraph, "The Carnies came ..." Perhaps tie the hunter dreams more tightly or discard entirely. As a short story, I would like to see both threads resolved by the end. (Aside: This would also work as a wonderful intro into a Sword and Sorcery tale, in which case leaving the soldier thread unresolved for the moment would work).

I felt the pacing was a little choppy and as a personal preference, I dislike a stream of short paragraphs. I feel like I am reading an annotated outline rather than a flowing story. In several places, I feel paragraphs could easily be merged without any rewrite and this might provide me with a more continuous feel.

One in the weeds nit, I felt the phrase, "here our wounded soldier," jarred me out of the third person into an omniscient narrator. A minor reword might help.

I liked the serpent lady thread and felt it came to a good conclusion. I wonder if the hunter/wounded warrior thread could be used to create a little more conflict during the tale and brought into a darker conclusion at the end as well.

Thanks for that, completely diff from the last one, teaches me not to expect a single correct answer I suppose.

As I said this is one of my two usual styles in writing, I have never enjoyed focussed stories, I like them that leave so many doors open reaching / leading to new ideas and results. A single sentence than can be the Genesis of another story. Because it was designed to be in the poetic style I try to keep within certain mental guidelines and so paragraph size matters (Fnurr Fnurr!).

I had considered darker endings, the obvious was hunter vs soldier vs Goddess, or merely that she kills him as my wife wanted as an ending but that seemed to obvious, instead the suggestion of Hypnosis offered an alt solution.

Also I considered the wounded soldier the glue, an outsider and yet it revolves around him, because the goddess gives him that power. Kind of like all relationships, the woman hands us power and in turn we bow to her. As Leonard Cohen said, a man commands and a woman leads.

Thank you for your words, it has been both enlightnening and interesting to read them, I have learned a lot from your thoughts on the subject.

 

[sule]

I'm not sure how helpful I'm going to be, but I'll share with you my thoughts on it anyway.

As a reader I felt a narrative distance between us and the main character. It seems like that was intentional on your part. I was OK with that for the most part, but the lack of quotation marks when characters were speaking threw me a bit.

The story was unfocused for me, it was split between the inner demons of the main character and his relationship with the titular serpent wife and it didn't feel like the first strand was ever resolved.

On his visit and return, he remained beguiled by the lady of snakes, her hands of webs, her nictitas eyes. Her beauty unbidden did his dreams fill. On the third day, his bravery aroused, he watched her dance for the crowd. Dance to the sound of the generator, her snakes wound sinuous, her long hair unbound.

Later approached her room as the moon unbidden shone down, a gently tap, a nervous knock. She bid him enter, her caravan decked out in glitter and glow. He nervously stated his intent to this lady of serpentine grace and so she agreed just so.

You use a variant of bid/unbidden three times in these two paragraphs--I would consider cleaning it up to only one. I also didn't like seeing the phrase "nictitas eyes" used so much to evoke the image I assume you're going for here; mainly because I've never encountered the word "nictitas" before to describe something with a nictitating membrane over its eyes and so I was thrown to come across it so many times. Because the point of her eyes in the story is their hypnotic nature, I would have liked to see the word "nictitas" replaced with some image that tied in with that theme instead.

I think you've done well in this version to create a prose/poem hybrid that creates a sort of dreaminess in its telling. It felt too wordy for me in places, but that's a personal taste. I think you've got a promising start on an interesting story otherwise.

 

[JJewel]

Thank you sule, another perspective and i can very much see your points.

When I write in poem / hybrid form I use the same words repeatedly as a way of enforcing a point, rather like a singer will repeat a line almost hypnotically to the audience to pull them in. It is something I have done in my more standard stories also.

And I am not sure their is such a word as Nictitas, I twisted the original word slightly as I didnt want to use the word hypnotic till the last line and I enjoyed the feel of Nictitas as a word. Earlier the references to the moon and her serpentine grace / eyes would serve as reminders.

I am intrigued though that out of three reviews the reference points and views are so apart, I had considered a re-write and repost as a final change once done but seems that it wont really be possible given the nature of the comments.

 

[BT Jones]

Hi @JJewel. I have to be honest and say I struggled with this. It felt to me as if you had written it, then posted it straight away, perhaps without reading it back through. There were quite a few errors and repetitious phrases (if I had more time I could flag them for you).

Personally, I used to do the same but now I read each of my chapters through thoroughly after I finish them and I am constantly picking up missing words, errors (bid / bade, in your case), as well as the same word used too often in a passage.

And why the constant reference to 'nictitas' gaze or eyes? I'd never actually heard the word before in my life but now I know what it means, it seems an odd thing to use as a description.

I didn't mind the setting and mood, but the tone and flow was rather relentless. The wounded solider would awake with no sign of the serpent lady, he'd wander the streets crying for her, come back home and find her, and then it would repeat again. It was a little monotonous.
It felt like the writing style was a bit of a fusion of modern and an older, more lyrical style and I found the contrast sometimes a bit jarring.

For my tastes, there are definite elements of a very interesting Gothic mystery here, with some wonderful phrases and imagery. It just lacks consistency in my eyes.

I'd perhaps challenge you to read it in full out loud to yourself, as written above. I think you would quickly find some sections where alternative phrasing or word choices would be beneficial, as well as the sentences that don't quite flow.

As I said to another new member the other day, I would also encourage you to participate in the monthly writing challenges here. It's been a great learning tool for me personally. It took me about 3 months to get to 100+ posts and you've managed it in less than a week. But I didn't post my first piece for critique until last month and I think it was to my benefit, with all that I learnt in the interim.

But I certainly commend you for your enthusiasm. That's a great thing to have.

 

[JJewel]

Thanks BT

My Grammar is awful, always has been, I rely on a very patient wife and Grammarly to fix my mistakes, that hasnt helped either it seems.

I mentioned in my passage to sule why I over use words in this type of work and it seems maybe that was a flaw in my logic?

And the full moon cycle of wake and search was intentional, the idea was to build the theme and idea in the readers head. Their is a story in my first book, The path less trodden that uses the same idea where we have key points and elements we return to all the way through and I always felt it helps the word flow. Maybe I was wrong on that score.

Once the kids are up and about I shall read it aloud, dont want to wake them with my loud and grating voice just yet.

And I have entered the writing contest and the photography contest and I am joint first in it with about 4 others so far, with a poem I wrote in honour of my daughter.

I posted something straight away here because I wanted to hear others views, this was a hobby for me for years and I have never had feedback merely friends saying, yeh thats good so actual criticism was sought and much appreciated.

And thanks for your input, it was much appreciated.

 

[Droflet]

Just keep rewriting, taking onboard the suggestions, and it will come in time. I know from experience.

 

[The Judge]

First things first -- if you're happy with your writing, you like what you've written, and your friends and family enjoy your stories, then that's success. There's no need to look further for validation of your work.

However, if you want to sell your work and/or achieve critical success then it's necessary to look closer at the mechanics of writing, which is both an art and a craft, and just as a good craftsman needs to understand his tools, a writer needs to know about story structure, pace, plotting, POV, character arcs etc etc. Some of those things we imbibe by a kind of osmosis as we read, but others we need to work at.

I don’t read horror, so my comments may come from a different angle compared to those who are au fait with Lovecraft, but looking at it as a fantasy story alone, to my mind this story needs more work -- and I'll repeat that "to my mind". These are my opinions based on what I've learned, particularly over the last 12 years, so they come with some experience but they're not Holy Writ. I'm usually a nit-picker, but here I'll just go for an overview of the main issues I've noticed, but sorry, this is still going to be a long one.

1 Plot/story – you’ve got at least two stories going on here, and for me they’re not properly integrated to form one whole. I think they’d work better as separate tales, but I'd agree with the other comments that if you wish to keep them together then the soldier’s incipient madness needs to be brought more into the second half of the plot and ought to be a factor in the denouement – that would also create a better character arc which is at present missing. There also seems to be no internal logic/cohesion eg making them act as they do, though I appreciate a horror story might only require a kind of dream logic.

2 Setting – for me the story falls between two stools. A nebulous setting would work, ie one that could be any time from the Middle Ages to the present day, as could a specific time and place, but though you’re vague with just “the war” and “the village” which point towards a semi-mythical anytime, the steelworks and the Carnies remove that element without otherwise giving the story a stable base (and both seem to clash with him living in a village). I’d suggest you plump for one or the other and make all the elements flow from that.

3 Atmosphere – as I say, I don’t read horror, so I’ll bow to those with greater knowledge, but I was expecting a feeling of creeping dread and slowly coalescing terror, and for me that was lacking. I also expected a good deal of foreshadowing.

4 Length – I once read an article by an SFF magazine editor which said that every story that crossed his desk needed at least 10% pruned off, and this is no exception; in fact, twice that wouldn't go amiss. I’m of the Every Word Counts Brigade, especially in short stories, and on that basis there’s rather too much here which could be removed without loss. Repetition itself isn’t a problem, but it needs to targeted and used efficiently in my view, which I don’t think this always is.

5 Prose – I hear what you say about merging poetic with plain prose, but I don't think it's working here as well as it could. You have a lot of rhymes and assonance, but it’s not elevating the prose to my mind, rather the reverse, and for my taste the song at the end adds nothing.

6 Word use – I knew what you meant by “nictitas” but it grated, not only because it isn’t an actual word but because it’s wholly outside the language of the rest of the story which has a more demotic feel. As a general note, better word use would also help with the issue of atmosphere and foreshadowing. By the way, a steelyard is a portable balance, not a synonym for steelworks which I imagine is what you meant. (I appreciate that might be a question of dialect, but I didn't notice anything else in the story to suggest dialect, especially since the POV is never really close.)

7 Errors – as I said I’m a nit-picker and I notice mistakes, and there are rather too many here for comfort. Grammarly won’t always help, I’m afraid, and I’m astounded that your spellchecker allowed “smight” to pass. I’m not sure what the answer is if you have difficulties with grammar etc, but a competent professional editor is a must for anyone self-publishing.

Sorry I couldn’t be more enthusiastic about this particular story. As I say, though, I’m not a horror reader. However, @Phyrebrat both reads and writes the stuff. His work is also very lyrical, so you might be interested in his pieces in Critiques and especially in the 300 Worders.

In any event, good luck with this and your writing generally.

 

[JJewel]

Wow, thanks for that, I feel stripped bare and thrown out at midnight in the snow .

But much to think about, and it all started so well with the first review.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Short stories aren't really my format, so there's not much I'd want to add. However, I would say that you're missing a trick by leaving so many names vague - an unknown man from an unknown war living in an unknown village works at a steelyard and visits a named pub. HPL made names and geography the heart of his mythos - Arkham, Miskatonic, Dunwich, Boston - a mix of the real and unreal that helps bring it more to life.

I'd also be careful about being too derivative of Nick Cave - would you normally use the term "Carnie", or does it have an Australian background that would confuse your setting? I note you've mentioned having a character named Stagger Lee in another story, but that's a Nick Cave character name you've appropriated. You'll look stronger trying to be unique with your own choice of words and names IMO.

 

[JJewel]

Short stories aren't really my format, so there's not much I'd want to add. However, I would say that you're missing a trick by leaving so many names vague - an unknown man from an unknown war living in an unknown village works at a steelyard and visits a named pub. HPL made names and geography the heart of his mythos - Arkham, Miskatonic, Dunwich, Boston - a mix of the real and unreal that helps bring it more to life.

I'd also be careful about being too derivative of Nick Cave - would you normally use the term "Carnie", or does it have an Australian background that would confuse your setting? I note you've mentioned having a character named Stagger Lee in another story, but that's a Nick Cave character name you've appropriated. You'll look stronger trying to be unique with your own choice of words and names IMO.

Carnie is a gen term I thought? I said in my intro I had been listening to the Birthday Party, that was Nick Caves second band, a far more violent and apocalyptic version than his later stuff.

Nick Cave appropriated Stagger Lee from old delta blues, he is one of those legendary bad boys, I have set a serious of tales in the Bayou and when I did my research I found the story of Stagger Lee. But yes you are right.

I also have borrowed a little from the legend of Jim Morrison for a lot of my work, particularly Jimbos car and the mystery surrounding it. little snippets here, little snippets their.

And I have been conscious I need to step away from the music more as it is normally the basis of much of my writing.

I hadnt added many names or places in most of my work because as a reader my mind fills on the images, so I had intended to allow my audience to do the same. Maybe this was a mistake?. I have created themes for within the mythos, a few characters and a few books I intend to use often but felt that I wasnt ready to create places yet.

Your points have much merit and maybe it is about time I mapped out the areas and gave names?

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's entirely up to you - novels are my thing, I don't have much experience about short stories. I've seen other people get away with lack of specifics, but most writers use them to add colour and depth. Am very familiar with The Birthday Party, but hadn't realized Cave had taken a stock character, though.

 

[JJewel]

It's entirely up to you - novels are my thing, I don't have much experience about short stories. I've seen other people get away with lack of specifics, but most writers use them to add colour and depth. Am very familiar with The Birthday Party, but hadn't realized Cave had taken a stock character, though.

Actually your advice was sound, I am in the process of writing the next Feral / Stagger Lee and have called a halt while I create a map of the area, and add my names. And as for Stagger Lee, I wasnt aware either till I started trying to create my own Mythos based around the people of the swamp.

 

[The Judge]

Carnie is a gen term I thought?

It's an American/Canadian usage dating from the 1930s, and I don't think it's yet a general term in the UK, not least because we don't call those kinds of entertainments carnivals, which is where the expression comes from, they're circuses or funfairs.

I hadnt added many names or places in most of my work because as a reader my mind fills on the images, so I had intended to allow my audience to do the same. Maybe this was a mistake?. I have created themes for within the mythos, a few characters and a few books I intend to use often but felt that I wasnt ready to create places yet.

I think this comes down to the issue of setting which I raised. If this was a one-off standalone story then I think you could get away with a nameless place, so this horror could have happened anywhere at any time, but in that case you'd have to avoid anything that pinned place and time down eg the use of the term Carnie. If, though, it's going to be part of a group of stories, all happening in much the same area, then I'd agree with Brian that it would be better to have a more solid identity in both time and place, which will ground the story.

 

[JJewel]

Okay, more great advice, I have created the Stagger Lee map and included it, suspect i will need to re-write the latest story from scratch but no matter, the idea is solid and much appreciated.

The storys are same planet but that is about it so their will be a few series that require full maps but not many.

But Names and so forth can be added easily.

 

[BT Jones]

Thanks BT

My Grammar is awful, always has been, I rely on a very patient wife and Grammarly to fix my mistakes, that hasnt helped either it seems.

I mentioned in my passage to sule why I over use words in this type of work and it seems maybe that was a flaw in my logic?

And the full moon cycle of wake and search was intentional, the idea was to build the theme and idea in the readers head. Their is a story in my first book, The path less trodden that uses the same idea where we have key points and elements we return to all the way through and I always felt it helps the word flow. Maybe I was wrong on that score.

Once the kids are up and about I shall read it aloud, dont want to wake them with my loud and grating voice just yet.

And I have entered the writing contest and the photography contest and I am joint first in it with about 4 others so far, with a poem I wrote in honour of my daughter.

I posted something straight away here because I wanted to hear others views, this was a hobby for me for years and I have never had feedback merely friends saying, yeh thats good so actual criticism was sought and much appreciated.

And thanks for your input, it was much appreciated.

Fair enough. Nothing wrong with hunger and drive. It's hard, I suppose, to judge these things without referencing our own personal experiences. I know now that when I started my current WIP I was rushing it. I'm glad I came the long way around because had I pushed it too early, I might never have recovered from the rejection. Good luck.