Hi folks, what follows is a 643-word excerpt from chapter-26 of my current work. This is the reader's first encounter (of two) with the protagonist involved in her profession's type of combat. After a critique of a @Joshua Jones competition entry, I realized my own work meant to read as 'very fast action' had too many preemptive pauses which slowed down the pace. Something akin to, 'However, Kae raised...' So, I've tried to clean those up. What I'm looking for, is input on two aspects:
1. Pace... This excerpt between the red, is no more than sixty seconds of combat.
2. Balance... There is description of the scene which can slow combat, and perhaps out of place (you tell me), I have some phrases of middle-conscious thought. Those thoughts are meant to break up the shoot-kill-explode-kill-reload-kill hooha, since she works off reflex.
What I mean by that is, as I describe earlier in the text, the protagonist becomes indifferent to detach and choke down her emotions (she's not a homicidal maniac). When she does this, pure reflex rules her actions, her subconscious does what it does, but she shifts her 'self' to a middle-consciousness (I'm calling it). That middle consciousness to occupy her mind and keep her detached might sing, mention technical points, make up prose, whatever. None of these thoughts are direct-conscious thoughts of the protagonist.
3. Optional... Feel free to beat this up as you see fit, although I will be reworking it after it simmers a while (still reads poorly to me, but I need away from it).
You might notice a couple missing commas. That is actually intentional to make it read faster (to me), though their exclusion might not be proper, so I'll be considering those choices as well later.
from: Chapter-26, A Just Harvest
643 words, of 3,000, 500 of which follow the excerpt.
60-seconds of combat.
“Who remembers music? Well I like music when I’m spending rits. See how you like these songs.”
Kae heaved one puck toward the street’s tail end she walked in from, dropped the other at her feet, and began counting down. Withdrawing a larger puck from her belt, Kae unfastened the last strap on her jacket. The moment she reached ‘one,’ Kae tossed the puck four feet above her and dropped to the ground curling tight.
Weeds that watched her screamed, “Reepa!” It wouldn’t save them.
Exploding at its apex, projectiles raced out from the gyroscopic mine. Everyone in a twenty-foot radius abruptly dropped. Simultaneously her audible-alerts activated. Digital sirens screamed from each, the thrown alert sounding a debilitating shriek each fall of the siren’s pitch.
Kae rose, hands filled with her Lukdai Enforcers. Weeds tried to bolt, but confused yowlees and breeders blocked their way. The gangs’ panicked shouts of “reepa,” meant nothing to the outsiders.
Thrusting out her guns toward each end of the street’s axis, Kae pulled the triggers and twisted, painting the crowd from one side of the street to the other. Her guns emitted deep hums and grating roars on half-speed. The sustained burst compressed Kae’s shoulders as her body shuddered violently and clenched teeth chattered.
Upon reaching the buildings after one second of twist, Kae paused for two, waiting for the first swath of bodies to fall, before she twisted back sweeping the crowd again. Calculated efficiency increases harvest, the voice callously murmured.
Three deep people fell in a wave as though Kae wielded an invisible scythe; each pass netted a hundred people or more. Thin, heavy projectiles streaked deep into the crowd. They tore through flesh and shattered bone, shedding sanguine dew with their vapor trail winnow.
A loud tone sounded upon her forth pivot when her right-hand pistol neared empty. Pogue upset Kae so badly, she forgot to swap out magazines, Dumont and the wall guards recipients of its previous carnage. Without thinking, Kae swapped out mags methodically as her slaughter.
Continuing to pivot and fire with her left pistol, Kae ejected the right’s magazine, thrust her pistol into its holster, and in a fluid motion pulled a fresh mag from her waist, slamming it into her gun. Two-seconds later her other pistol sounded its tone. Mimicking her moves for that gun she had with the first, Kae’s right hand reached behind to her belt, and she spun.
Throwing a gyroscopic mine deep into the crowd toward the street’s tail end, it barely cleared their heads and exploded. A thirty-foot ring of people fell away from center, forming a crop circle. A second mine heaved toward the street’s head yielded the same. A layer of acrid smog filled the gauntlet; buildings peppered with shot and painted red.
Fury conjoined with grief boiled-up in Kae’s mind. Before she could hesitate, the voice flooded her consciousness with morbid prose.
Harvest the crops, lest they wither in the field. Everyone came here gambling their sins went unnoticed. They risked their lives to impose sadistic cruelties upon the innocent. We all want to die, so here we all gather, and now it’s time. Our lives now forfeit. Reap the harvest.
Straining to lift her heavy pistols, Kae crouched and aimed toward the street’s ends and fired. Back and forth sweeping the crowd repeatedly, five passes later her guns’ tones sounded. Mechanically as before, Kae replaced each magazine and walked toward the street’s tail end, accessing her harvest.
For the most part, the short street was already cleared. Bodies covered most of it, stacked where they fell or crawled to before expiring. Forced to scale the dead and dying, where she didn’t, each step raised a splash. A scarlet mist hung in the air; everything including Kae painted in cherry sweat.
With the calm came the horror (sounds/wounded/most and smells)... Etc.
Thanks for your input!
K2
1. Pace... This excerpt between the red, is no more than sixty seconds of combat.
2. Balance... There is description of the scene which can slow combat, and perhaps out of place (you tell me), I have some phrases of middle-conscious thought. Those thoughts are meant to break up the shoot-kill-explode-kill-reload-kill hooha, since she works off reflex.
What I mean by that is, as I describe earlier in the text, the protagonist becomes indifferent to detach and choke down her emotions (she's not a homicidal maniac). When she does this, pure reflex rules her actions, her subconscious does what it does, but she shifts her 'self' to a middle-consciousness (I'm calling it). That middle consciousness to occupy her mind and keep her detached might sing, mention technical points, make up prose, whatever. None of these thoughts are direct-conscious thoughts of the protagonist.
3. Optional... Feel free to beat this up as you see fit, although I will be reworking it after it simmers a while (still reads poorly to me, but I need away from it).
You might notice a couple missing commas. That is actually intentional to make it read faster (to me), though their exclusion might not be proper, so I'll be considering those choices as well later.
This takes place in South Philadelphia, U.S., on this exact street: Google Maps
Facing east:
Facing west:
* There are NO trees, plants or automobiles on the street.
* The street and walks are 40'/12m wide, 300'/91m long.
* The east end is sealed off by contamination, as is behind the buildings and cannot be bypassed. Non-gang members are blocked from entering buildings.
* The west end has a crowd of thousands who will kill anyone trying to leave the area.
* There are exactly: 2,187 people on the street--packed tight, 306 in the buildings.
* 90% of the people are unarmed. Only half of those armed have firearms, and they're scattered throughout.
* The vast majority of the 90% are high on various forms of intense drugs...so their minds are far from clear.
* Gang members--weeds, 10%--are the only ones who understand what is happening. The rest (yowlees and breaders) are oblivious.
* Kae/protagonist, is halfway up the street (image viewpoints).
* The crowd has been drawn to her packing tighter, but backed away leaving a 5' gap around her when this starts.
* Her two pistols on half-speed fire 1,333 rounds per minute (22.2/sec), and each magazine holds 150 rounds, and they travel at 3,500 ft./sec. penetrating through multiple people dependent upon what they hit.
* The sirens are ear-piercing loud and induce panic. The 'debilitating shriek' is a digital version of a reaper horn (which is much deeper), akin to an LRAD so it forces people to freeze and cover their ears.
* She is suicidal and hopes someone kills her last.
Facing east:
Facing west:
* There are NO trees, plants or automobiles on the street.
* The street and walks are 40'/12m wide, 300'/91m long.
* The east end is sealed off by contamination, as is behind the buildings and cannot be bypassed. Non-gang members are blocked from entering buildings.
* The west end has a crowd of thousands who will kill anyone trying to leave the area.
* There are exactly: 2,187 people on the street--packed tight, 306 in the buildings.
* 90% of the people are unarmed. Only half of those armed have firearms, and they're scattered throughout.
* The vast majority of the 90% are high on various forms of intense drugs...so their minds are far from clear.
* Gang members--weeds, 10%--are the only ones who understand what is happening. The rest (yowlees and breaders) are oblivious.
* Kae/protagonist, is halfway up the street (image viewpoints).
* The crowd has been drawn to her packing tighter, but backed away leaving a 5' gap around her when this starts.
* Her two pistols on half-speed fire 1,333 rounds per minute (22.2/sec), and each magazine holds 150 rounds, and they travel at 3,500 ft./sec. penetrating through multiple people dependent upon what they hit.
* The sirens are ear-piercing loud and induce panic. The 'debilitating shriek' is a digital version of a reaper horn (which is much deeper), akin to an LRAD so it forces people to freeze and cover their ears.
* She is suicidal and hopes someone kills her last.
from: Chapter-26, A Just Harvest
643 words, of 3,000, 500 of which follow the excerpt.
60-seconds of combat.
“Who remembers music? Well I like music when I’m spending rits. See how you like these songs.”
Kae heaved one puck toward the street’s tail end she walked in from, dropped the other at her feet, and began counting down. Withdrawing a larger puck from her belt, Kae unfastened the last strap on her jacket. The moment she reached ‘one,’ Kae tossed the puck four feet above her and dropped to the ground curling tight.
Weeds that watched her screamed, “Reepa!” It wouldn’t save them.
Exploding at its apex, projectiles raced out from the gyroscopic mine. Everyone in a twenty-foot radius abruptly dropped. Simultaneously her audible-alerts activated. Digital sirens screamed from each, the thrown alert sounding a debilitating shriek each fall of the siren’s pitch.
Kae rose, hands filled with her Lukdai Enforcers. Weeds tried to bolt, but confused yowlees and breeders blocked their way. The gangs’ panicked shouts of “reepa,” meant nothing to the outsiders.
Thrusting out her guns toward each end of the street’s axis, Kae pulled the triggers and twisted, painting the crowd from one side of the street to the other. Her guns emitted deep hums and grating roars on half-speed. The sustained burst compressed Kae’s shoulders as her body shuddered violently and clenched teeth chattered.
Upon reaching the buildings after one second of twist, Kae paused for two, waiting for the first swath of bodies to fall, before she twisted back sweeping the crowd again. Calculated efficiency increases harvest, the voice callously murmured.
Three deep people fell in a wave as though Kae wielded an invisible scythe; each pass netted a hundred people or more. Thin, heavy projectiles streaked deep into the crowd. They tore through flesh and shattered bone, shedding sanguine dew with their vapor trail winnow.
A loud tone sounded upon her forth pivot when her right-hand pistol neared empty. Pogue upset Kae so badly, she forgot to swap out magazines, Dumont and the wall guards recipients of its previous carnage. Without thinking, Kae swapped out mags methodically as her slaughter.
Continuing to pivot and fire with her left pistol, Kae ejected the right’s magazine, thrust her pistol into its holster, and in a fluid motion pulled a fresh mag from her waist, slamming it into her gun. Two-seconds later her other pistol sounded its tone. Mimicking her moves for that gun she had with the first, Kae’s right hand reached behind to her belt, and she spun.
Throwing a gyroscopic mine deep into the crowd toward the street’s tail end, it barely cleared their heads and exploded. A thirty-foot ring of people fell away from center, forming a crop circle. A second mine heaved toward the street’s head yielded the same. A layer of acrid smog filled the gauntlet; buildings peppered with shot and painted red.
Fury conjoined with grief boiled-up in Kae’s mind. Before she could hesitate, the voice flooded her consciousness with morbid prose.
Harvest the crops, lest they wither in the field. Everyone came here gambling their sins went unnoticed. They risked their lives to impose sadistic cruelties upon the innocent. We all want to die, so here we all gather, and now it’s time. Our lives now forfeit. Reap the harvest.
Straining to lift her heavy pistols, Kae crouched and aimed toward the street’s ends and fired. Back and forth sweeping the crowd repeatedly, five passes later her guns’ tones sounded. Mechanically as before, Kae replaced each magazine and walked toward the street’s tail end, accessing her harvest.
For the most part, the short street was already cleared. Bodies covered most of it, stacked where they fell or crawled to before expiring. Forced to scale the dead and dying, where she didn’t, each step raised a splash. A scarlet mist hung in the air; everything including Kae painted in cherry sweat.
With the calm came the horror (sounds/wounded/most and smells)... Etc.
Thanks for your input!
K2
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