The Warrior in the Tree

[Guttersnipe]

Here's an old story of mine I dug up. I think my writing has improved slightly since this. I did have to change some of it, as some of it was a bit tautological. Please lmk what I could do to improve further.

@BT Jones @Joshua Jones

It happened a very long time ago, before white men had set foot on our land. Game large and small was abundant. My father was our chief, and
I would eventually come to take his place. My mother was an exceptional archer.

After completing the necessary rites, I became a man. I slew many other braves, but without joy. A man does what he needs to survive. Save for
an arrow wound in my thigh, which our medicine man healed, I've never been injured. Soon, after a few battles, I was feted and respected as a
hero. I was a formidable force in the eyes of my enemies.

I came to care deeply for a woman, a childhood friend of mine named Flower in Her Hair. When I confessed my love for her, she told me she felt
the same way about me. It was no secret that my cousin and rival, Bend in the River, also had feelings for her. He looked on with seething
jealousy as we held hands.

My family and hers were good friends, and they strongly approved of our upcoming wedding. But Bend in the River watched with eyes of hate and
schemed of a way to divide us. He had always envied me (he made it clear to everyone) and my companionship with the beautiful young woman
had been enough to drive him to insanity. He began to study sorcery under the tutelage of a vagabond. I grew nervous and told my future squaw
that we may someday have to leave our village lest my cousin do us great harm.

One day, a crony of my cousin named Two Snakes came running to me from the forest, telling me quickly to follow him back, as Bend in the River
was terribly injured and possibly dying. I was skeptical at first, but my heart won over my head. When I approached him, he was laying prostrate
with his hand over his chest. I leaned in closer to see where he was bleeding. Suddenly, I felt something strike my skull, knocking me senseless.
I did not come to until it was too late.

When I awoke, I found myself bound to an oak tree. My cousin and Two Snakes regarded me with wicked smiles on their faces. The former informed
me that he planned to leave me there forever. I asked him how that could be done, as surely our fellows would seek me out and rescue me. Bend
in the River, ignoring me, began to chant.

As he did, the bole began to grow wider. My skin darkened and splintered. The tree was consuming me. I could not speak, though my senses remained
intact. I briefly counted the days as they passed by, but soon stopped, feeling as though loneliness were assaulting me, the outside world mocking me.
I was preserved inside the tree; I discovered that I was now immortal, or nigh-immortal at the very least.

Then, countless years later, after spending infinite moons in this hell, I was freed, in a matter of speaking, by an old white man who cut into the tree and
carved around me. I was given a new home, outside what is called a cigar store. I am as content as you might expect, being immobile and unable to
correct those who would confuse me for a man from a faraway land.

 

[BT Jones]

Hi @Guttersnipe. Thanks for thinking of me for a critique. I will always do my best to offer my thoughts. I have to say, this one hit me right on the fence line. It does feel to me to be a rather old idea, relative to what I have read in the challenges from you. I think it would work very well as a 300-word challenge if condensed a little bit. Because I didn't know what it was when I started reading, I was drawn it something I thought was quite deep. When you started glossing over the character development, I began to wonder where you were going. Its odd because you were touching on some very deep elements worthy of much more detailed study. I think its something you either have to expand 300-400% or cut by 50-70%.

There were some elements here that were a bit cliched for what I assume to be a native American / first nations origin story. But I was getting hints of feeling and depth and elements of the land and surroundings. I think if you are going to go that far with it, you have to go all the way, otherwise keep it as a 100-word quickfire twilight zone style piece.

As always, sorry if this is overly critical. I needed to really feel the wind and the soil and the elements here, and it felt like you were getting into that, but then it took a swift right turn into fantasy.

i would definitely be interested to read a more detailed treatment, if you feel you want to do one.

 

[The Judge]

I agree with BTJ -- the story and the length you've given it aren't right for each other as written. As it stands there is excessive detail that simply isn't needed for the plot but which doesn't add enough to atmosphere or character to justify its place here eg the first two paragraphs. If everything of that kind were removed, so concentrating on the love-feud aspect and the sorcery alone, it could well work as piece of flash fiction for something like the Challenges. However, at present it's nowhere near detailed enough with a lack of depth of worldbuilding and character and emotion which would be expected in a longer short -- at present it's more a superficial outline of a story with a bit of detail than a story in its own right.

If you did extend it, I think you'd need to be very careful about how you approached dealing with Indigenous American culture. I've written a series of shorts based on a fantasy pre-Columbian America so I'm not going to say you can't write about tribal culture and traditions, but it is necessary to do so with respect and research. I appreciate this was written some time ago, but had you done any research or thought about matters you would have realised the offensive term "squaw" has no place in such a story -- nor, indeed, anywhere else -- unless in the mouth of an obvious racist. I'm not informed enough about the tobacco store statues to know if they are also regarded as offensive, so perhaps check that out if you do consider taking this story further.

Also if you were to make a longer story out of this, do think more about Flower in Her Hair who is wholly passive here, just basically something for two men to argue over, and whose fate you don't bother to tell us about.

Nit-picking wise I was rather pulled out of the story because of word use at times eg "upcoming" is modern jargon and "tutelage" isn't a word which would be on the lips of someone who isn't book-learned. I'd have bridled at both if this were written in third person, but in first person it's really jarring -- I'd always suggest thinking oneself into the character more deeply, so as to use only words and imagery he would use.

Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic.

 

[Guttersnipe]

Thank you both for your input. @The Judge I actually didn't know the word "squaw" was offensive across contexts. I thought it meant "wife" and that it was a slur only when in place of "Native American woman." I will change this. I do think that there must be a word in at least one Native American language that translates to "tutelage" as it's just a synonym for "teaching." I will take into consideration your other ideas. Thank you!

 

[Wayne Mack]

For me, the story did not flow and came across more like a series of notes for a longer story. I, personally, am not a big fan of the surprise ending approach. Perhaps it might be interesting to start with the main character standing in front of the store and then tell the story. Another thought is that switching from first person to third person might be helpful.

I feel that the plot line is certainly deserving of a story, but I did not feel the conflict between the main character and his brother nor feel any connection with the main character, which would cause me concern at the final result.

 

[msstice]

For some reason it reminded me of some old essays that narrate from the POV of an inanimate thing, like a flag or coin.

I do agree with the earlier posters who remarked that the lead in of the story promised much more than what the ending brought. The writing flowed well and fast enough that I kept reading. It just wasn't as satisfying a conclusion.

It would be nice to somehow bring the initial characters together, say by having a descendant of his love look at him in his statute form and buy him and bring him home, or something.

Also, Seinfeld has made it so that I can not take any story that involves a "Cigar Store Indian" seriously anymore.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is an interesting piece.
I like portions of it; however only in the sense that somewhere in my warped mind I might be able to add up elements to guess at what the story is in this piece.

First of all I would echo the question of the use of the word squaw.
Even the etymology of the word is often in question.
Like many settler words used in relation to indigenous peoples, they are derived from the native words and often given pejorative status by the settlers. In my own study(when trying to decide how much indigenous material might be suitable for my backstory)I did run across a statement to the fact that some refer to the word as the S-word. I would suggest you research it yourself before using it.

I would not presume that you were not indigenous yourself as much as I would assume that you are indigenous; because I don't know you. However I can say that genetically I am 8% indigenous by recent DNA testing and as you can see I still opt to do the research. The only thing I can go by is a photo of a great-great-grandmother(no documents to support).

What I did get from my studies was that oral tradition is a big part of the culture. I almost get the sense that you are trying to write to that tradition in the tone set at the beginning. However it feels that it lacks something and oddly enough it is mostly having to do with story itself.

One thing is that as translated from the native language often the stories themselves are done injustice; however that's not justification to delve further into injustice.

The story elements missing would help pull this up.
Right now we know nothing about this narrator.
Hence, we know nothing about the conflict, despite the fact that there is a rivalry for the hand of a maiden.

You show the narrator to be a warrior, as though that is enough; however what is most important is is he a provider.
Is he a good hunter?
Is he a spiritual man?
Will he put food on the table.
Or
Is he lazy.
Is he foolish.
Does he have no time for spiritual tradition.

What are his strong points, what are his weak points.

Why is he worthy enough for the woman.

How does he really feel about Bend in the River?
What are his thoughts, when he hears that Bend in the River is in danger, and what is the reason he rushes to where Bend in the River is.
All of this is important to the conflict and the very heart of the story.

Are they rivals in everything or are they like brothers who in this one thing are at odds.

This is important to know because what happens is a betrayal of a sort and there has to be some sense to why he seems to rush to Bend in the River's aid and how he feels about what happens to him next. This information can intensify the scope of the betrayal or as it is now it can turn the betrayal into a 'meh' moment of indifference.

In truth presently the story here is only about the twist at the end and now I think we should examine that.

Let's go back to Squaw, remember how that might not be appropriate and then examine the Cigar store Wooden Indian.
I think that it is important to understand that many indigenous view those as a caricature of natives--further compounded by trying to draw all the nations into one image.

This is where the writing falls short of something important. Because the carving does not free anything; rather it traps his spirit--that had been protected in the tree--in an image of white man's making--a shame that he has to bear for eternity.

This piece could be greatly enhanced by revealing exactly what the story is and how your character interacts with it emotionally while revealing both his strengths and weaknesses.

 

[Guttersnipe]

This is an interesting piece.
I like portions of it; however only in the sense that somewhere in my warped mind I might be able to add up elements to guess at what the story is in this piece.

First of all I would echo the question of the use of the word squaw.
Even the etymology of the word is often in question.
Like many settler words used in relation to indigenous peoples, they are derived from the native words and often given pejorative status by the settlers. In my own study(when trying to decide how much indigenous material might be suitable for my backstory)I did run across a statement to the fact that some refer to the word as the S-word. I would suggest you research it yourself before using it.

I would not presume that you were not indigenous yourself as much as I would assume that you are indigenous; because I don't know you. However I can say that genetically I am 8% indigenous by recent DNA testing and as you can see I still opt to do the research. The only thing I can go by is a photo of a great-great-grandmother(no documents to support).

What I did get from my studies was that oral tradition is a big part of the culture. I almost get the sense that you are trying to write to that tradition in the tone set at the beginning. However it feels that it lacks something and oddly enough it is mostly having to do with story itself.

One thing is that as translated from the native language often the stories themselves are done injustice; however that's not justification to delve further into injustice.

The story elements missing would help pull this up.
Right now we know nothing about this narrator.
Hence, we know nothing about the conflict, despite the fact that there is a rivalry for the hand of a maiden.

You show the narrator to be a warrior, as though that is enough; however what is most important is is he a provider.
Is he a good hunter?
Is he a spiritual man?
Will he put food on the table.
Or
Is he lazy.
Is he foolish.
Does he have no time for spiritual tradition.

What are his strong points, what are his weak points.

Why is he worthy enough for the woman.

How does he really feel about Bend in the River?
What are his thoughts, when he hears that Bend in the River is in danger, and what is the reason he rushes to where Bend in the River is.
All of this is important to the conflict and the very heart of the story.

Are they rivals in everything or are they like brothers who in this one thing are at odds.

This is important to know because what happens is a betrayal of a sort and there has to be some sense to why he seems to rush to Bend in the River's aid and how he feels about what happens to him next. This information can intensify the scope of the betrayal or as it is now it can turn the betrayal into a 'meh' moment of indifference.

In truth presently the story here is only about the twist at the end and now I think we should examine that.

Let's go back to Squaw, remember how that might not be appropriate and then examine the Cigar store Wooden Indian.
I think that it is important to understand that many indigenous view those as a caricature of natives--further compounded by trying to draw all the nations into one image.

This is where the writing falls short of something important. Because the carving does not free anything; rather it traps his spirit--that had been protected in the tree--in an image of white man's making--a shame that he has to bear for eternity.

This piece could be greatly enhanced by revealing exactly what the story is and how your character interacts with it emotionally while revealing both his strengths and weaknesses.

I strongly appreciate your response. I do need to do more research and explore the characters. As for the last bit: The titular warrior was made into wood and then put inside the tree, so the cigar store proprietor really did carve him out in the right form--no caricature here. I do regret having used the "S" word, but I'm glad to know I won't propagate it further. To be honest, I wrote it at a time when I really did just wanted a story with an unexpected ending and didn't care as much about how it arrived there.

 

[tinkerdan]

Just an FYI.

It is not at all clear that he was made into a wooden model of himself and then placed inside the tree; nor is it clear that the cutting around him was not carving the shape and if that is so then I would suggest some work to clarify the issue in this instance as he would be the only wooden native that was a true representation rather than a caricature.

 

[Guttersnipe]

@tinkerdan "My skin darkened and splintered." I guess you're right, though; I should make that more obvious.