My Very Short, Nameless, Non-Speculative Story

[Guttersnipe]

I've just written a short story I was actually planning to send in, but I'm worried that it's too disordered because I wrote it so fast. It's also too short, I think, and don't know how to go about lengthening it. I read it and know that there are a few elements missing, but don't know what they are. Please respond with constructive criticism. Here it is. @BT Jones @Joshua Jones @Extollager


I have nightmares about it all the time. I was with my soulmate, Naomi, in the car, listening to The Who's "Squeezebox" at high volume. I couldn't possibly have seen him. There was a snow bank that obscured everything to the right of the car. I crawled slowly past the stop sign, hardly able to hear the horn until it was too late. Naomi was closest, taking the brunt of it.

Now I am not only her fiancé; I am also her caretaker. Don't worry; I'm a registered nurse. I alone know how to help her. She is now a quadriplegic. I do everything for her. I feed her and bring her to bed, and always help her in the bathroom. Every day I curse the punk who was likely driving under the influence. I did not want outsiders to try to take her from me, so I didn't contact the law. God will avenge us. I pray night and day that she gets better; earthly medicine can only go so far.

She is constantly cross. She closes her mouth often when I try to feed and medicate her. I feel eternally grateful when she relents. She becomes so angry with me at times that she won't meet my eyes and often becomes silent for days. I tell her that it is not my fault, and certainly not hers, that we are in this awful situation. I tell her time and again that the other driver was a reckless child, and that, someday, God will judge and punish him.

I have not changed my belief that Naomi is my soulmate, even though she can no longer return my embraces with enthusiasm. Her hoarse voice snaps at me if I do not agree to her wishes posthaste. But I know she still loves me. I love her regardless of her abuse. I still have the ring in my pocket. I hope that, in a few years (Alas, it cannot be sooner!), she will thank me and ask forgiveness. On that day, I will propose to her. I have no doubt that her quadriplegia will be cured, for no one has been so loyal to God as I have. As for today, I will feed her, clean her, and take her to bed with me. And, as always, I will try to get rid of this terrible stench.

 

[Guttersnipe]

I realize it's a bit puzzling to read because the phrases are mixed up. Also, of course, it's much too short. Any ideas?

 

[msstice]

Hi @Guttersnipe it was a bit depressing to read for me. There was a small horror element/twist in the end, if I got that right.

Not a fan of horror, especially gore horror where everything is spelt out. Big fan of The Monkey's paw.

I think one change that could be done is to make the protagonist less helpless (at least in their mind) and more proactive and making progress (in their mind) while at the same time tell us, the objective reader, that this is very likely not a living being any more.

 

[Wayne Mack]

For me, the ending did not work for two reasons. First, the phrasing,

And, as always, I will try to get rid of this terrible stench.

felt almost comedic. Perhaps the reveal could be better worded.

Second, I was unclear which character was dead. Was it Naomi or was it the other driver? I find it hard to reconcile,

She closes her mouth often

with imagery that Naomi is actually unmoving. Meanwhile, the other driver keeps appearing late in the story with references to vengeance but without any reference to bring the driver into the house.

If Naomi is the dead body, then minimize the discussion of the driver and concentrate on describing ambiguous day to day activities. You may want to watch the beginning and ending of "The Sixth Sense" for a good portrayal of this. If the driver is the dead body, then present a plot line that gets the driver, voluntarily or not, into the house. Either of these would lengthen the story and help the reader to buy into it.

 

[Guttersnipe]

For me, the ending did not work for two reasons. First, the phrasing,

felt almost comedic. Perhaps the reveal could be better worded.

Second, I was unclear which character was dead. Was it Naomi or was it the other driver? I find it hard to reconcile,

with imagery that Naomi is actually unmoving. Meanwhile, the other driver keeps appearing late in the story with references to vengeance but without any reference to bring the driver into the house.

If Naomi is the dead body, then minimize the discussion of the driver and concentrate on describing ambiguous day to day activities. You may want to watch the beginning and ending of "The Sixth Sense" for a good portrayal of this. If the driver is the dead body, then present a plot line that gets the driver, voluntarily or not, into the house. Either of these would lengthen the story and help the reader to buy into it.

Thanks. The protagonist is actually imagining her closing her mouth, speaking, etc. Why did you think the corpse may have been of the other driver?

 

[tinkerdan]

I had trouble with the last line also.
It just doesn't add up; though that's a clever idea that he dragged the other driver off with them.

In Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz--he does something similar to this; however he had an entire novel that gives the reader clues for what is happening.
So when we find out he's been conversing with a dead person the evidence is supportive.

Your story doesn't offer any support-In fact there is too much interaction-And unlike Odd Thomas the reader has nothing in advance to show that the character is possibly capable of thinking they are having all this interaction with a dead person.

So if in fact you mean the girlfriend is dead--it doesn't come through very clearly.

I'm not sure how to fix it; however one thing I would do is mention that every time she looks at the main character it's as though she looks past or through them. It would be too obvious to say something like She looks at me with her dead eyes.

There have to be some more explicit clues to explain the last line.

 

[The Judge]

I'm another one who was flummoxed by the last line which suggested someone was dead, but I discounted that as being the case since the rest of the story militated against it, so I was left with feeling there was simply no point to the story.

If you're writing a twist ending, not only do you have to give clues, you can't at any time lie about what is going on, though you can mislead the reader. Here by saying she closes her mouth and her voice snaps at him you are explicitly telling us something that simply isn't true if she's dead, and it's not enough to explain afterwards that he's imagining this -- if that's the case, you have to make it clear early on that he's an unreliable narrator. Here's a story I wrote for the 300s which might explain what I mean about misleading without telling a lie -- 300 WORD WRITING CHALLENGE #14 (July 2014) -- VICTORY TO THE JUDGE! -- everything is true, but I've tried to write in such a way as to make the reader believe the opposite of that truth.

So here, for instance, you could have an instance of him speaking to Naomi and providing his own answer eg

"Would you like fish pie for dinner, Naomi?"​

​

But no, it's meat balls yet again. That was the first dish I cooked for her, and her favourite from that moment.​

That suggests she answers him, but there's no lie there, not even the use of present tense to give the impression it's still her favourite, nor "we" having meat balls, since patently she can't eat. You can only use that specific technique once, though, since otherwise it would be obvious that you're not having her speak, thus giving the game away.

Alternatively, with the unreliable narrator, you could for instance indicate he's a fabulist eg "They said it was wishful thinking that I could ever bring Naomi home, that I was fooling myself. But my faith was strong, and here we are." as a start, then things like "I never thought I'd become a nurse - everyone said I should be a writer, because I have such a vivid imagination." But even then, I don't think you can write that she speaks, you can only tell us that he hears her.

However, I have to say that even if you make the necessary changes to make the twist ending succeed, for me the writing as a whole doesn't work because you've got too much going on and the separate issues seem to be pulling against each other -- in addition to all the work looking after Naomi which feels repetitive, you've got the accident (which doesn't seem properly explained), the continual harping on about the other driver who is referred to in different ways (punk, drunk driver, reckless child) and the recurring references to God who is also "used" in different ways (avenger, judge, miracle worker). It occurs to me these inconsistencies/differences might be an attempt to show he's an unreliable narrator, but for me they don't work. I'd suggest you remove the repetitions and ensure that all the other references serve the story and since the twist is the only point of the story, they have in some way to serve the twist.

For me, too, there's a lack of depth here, and I wonder if that's a consequence of your dashing the story off instead of crafting it with a proper beginning, middle and end. I don't know that this plot could actually cope with being extended beyond flash fiction length, since it's wholly dependent on the twist, but if you did want to expand it, then you need to consider issues of world-building, characterisation and emotion, as well as bringing in conflict of some kind (eg with the local authorities who want to take her away). Basically, to my mind you need to think more deeply about the story and the characters.

Sorry that I can't be more enthusiastic about the story.

 

[BT Jones]

Hi, @Guttersnipe. Judging from your introductory message, I sense you possibly aren't that confident about / happy with the piece yourself, and I think it shows. To be honest, I wasn't really sure what the point was as I was reading it. Echoing everything else, I, too, had to think hard about that closing line and what it meant. Understanding from the subsequent exchanges that she was dead sort of underscored that it was a little bit of an underwhelming ending.

For me, I'm not sure what the piece wants to be. Is it about faith and belief? Is it about guilt or perseverance? Is it about love or revenge? It sort of seemed to be about all of those things but none of them at the same time.

I think if there had been a portrayal of who these people were before the accident, it might have been a bit more meaningful. But in the absence of any backstory, it really just played like:

Man and woman have accident; man cares for woman; man feels guilt / love / anger / faith that it will all be as per God's plan; woman is actually dead, so man is actually very sick.

If you are serious with doing anything more with this and taking it somewhere, I think add some backstory to the characters. Make us understand who they are and what they believe in, to the extent that the drama / twist comes with how the accident makes them have to reassess that. Possible dramatic elements include; challenging one's faith; a dominant / abusive partner being reduced to a dependent; etc.

But I think if you have to go looking for supplementary dramatic elements to inject into your story to make it more viable, it possible means it wasn't really a story to begin with and was actually just a story idea.

As always, apologies if this comes across as harsh. But the constructive harshness of the criticism one can receive in this forum is, I think, actually a great positive for a writer. It has certainly helped force me to accept what things work in my writing and what things I need to reassess.

 

[The Judge]

In case my comments on this point left you baffled

for me the writing as a whole doesn't work because you've got too much going on and the separate issues seem to be pulling against each other

fortunately BTJ has better expressed what I was driving at but which I hadn't properly considered as being the root of my dissatisfaction with the story because I was looking at the symptoms not the cause, namely

For me, I'm not sure what the piece wants to be. Is it about faith and belief? Is it about guilt or perseverance? Is it about love or revenge? It sort of seemed to be about all of those things but none of them at the same time.

That is, a lack of cohesion when it comes to theme. For myself, I never actively think about themes when I write, which is probably why I never think about them when I'm critiquing someone else's work, but what I do have is a sense of unity, of ensuring everything in the story points towards the same end. That goes with the big issues such as guilt or regret, but also minor issues, so if the story is for some reason centred on water I'll use imagery and verbs which have connections to water.

That unity doesn't necessarily come immediately, though, which brings me back to your writing in too much of a rush. Despite all the talk of muses and inspiration, writing is a craft which has to be worked at, which means looking at each and every sentence -- each and every word -- to ensure they're doing what is needed.

 

[DeathFusion]

For what it's worth, the twist managed to shock me.

 

[The Scribbling Man]

I enjoyed the story, and I think it works pretty well for something that's been so quickly put together. I got the twist, but I did pause briefly to consider what it meant before it clicked. In that moment it had an impact on me.

As a piece of flash fiction, I wouldn't expect it to become any more layered than it is. At this length, I don't think there's anything wrong with the intent simply being to shock; it rather depends on what it is you want to do. However, I think some of the comments regarding consistency of themes and making the end twist clearer are on point. You will either want to simplify it, or make your main theme/themes more apparent. I don't think it needs to be made into a longer story unless you are trying to say something with it that you find you aren't able to convey in the current format.