Matres’ Twilight #1: Arbiter First Page

[SonicSouls]

I have completed the minimum thirty posts required to post something for critique. I’m an unpublished author, and seek to start a YA dark fantasy series.

Rather than having a central protagonist, there will be a small number of them. Each story is seen through the third-person limited perspective of one. Some protagonists will be reoccurring, others used once. They will change, and possibly die. By doing this, it lets me explore the world in a way being limited to one protagonist or a small party wouldn’t.

Characters don’t have to know each other, but their actions can affect each other. I felt this was more realistic than one person or group single-handily changing history’s course. Rather, its multiple forces acting together, often inadvertently, that changes it. Plus, it would be implausible that several of the characters would ever ally. The series’ identity will be maintained through shared themes, characters, and the interactions of various forces. But each story will also have an identity of its own.

I have written the entire first novella and have gone through several drafts. So, I’m ready to post it for critique. But I want to test something. I’m going to just post the first page for now. Besides standard critique about grammar, style, etc. there is one question above all I want answered. Would you continue reading the story after this? If not, why? I want to use this to catch any issues that might be prevalent throughout the rest of the story. Thanks.

FYI, I know the word “leper” is offensive. That gets mentioned later. The connotations of it and the historical context fit the world’s views on disease, so I kept it for consistency.

Side note, it won't render my indents for some reason. Does anyone know how to fix this?

Here’s the first page:

Chapter One
Everyone was out to get Collector Marina, heed not the conspirators’ blasphemy. And none knew that she, like many, would determine the fate of the Matres’ Twilight:

“I know thou art watching me,” Marina said.

She laughed. Oh, would those conspirators be shocked, she thought. Knowing the truth and using “thou art” instead of “thou are”? What would they do against the most honorable collector?

“Thou can show thyself.” She chortled. “Or does thou still think I’ll be surprised?”

The bells were too faint for Leprosi Sanctuarium’s—what’s that? Just the trees’ branches creaks and the faint pealing of bells echoing. Or so they wanted her to think. Quell the local’s fears by searching for a nonexistent threat? As mundane as Matre Terra smiting someplace, and Matre Luna’s collectores cleaning it up. In recent generations though, Collector was more accurate. Just as they planned.

Her horse slowly followed the path, and one bell’s pealing grew louder. A stench wormed into her mask’s nose. Through her blessed blindfold she saw its source. Drooped upside-down from a tree was a corpse peppered with bloodless lacerations. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. She sighed.

“What’s this, fifth corpse this week? Whatever, just a leper’s bell… a leper’s bell…”

She glanced around, then leapt off the horse, and no, she wasn’t being reckless. Fastened to her back was a buckler. Twas a small circular shield with a central dome. She unfastened it and shielded herself. Her rapier was poised behind it. Twilight illuminated the cloth talisman around its grip.

“Are thine afraid of my miracle? Of the power granted by my matre’s blessing?”

She smirked as she creeped towards the corpse. It had a pale body with blood pooled below. Part of her cried for help but she suppressed it.

“Are thou terrified that the false voice thine implanted in my head is failing?”

Silence. Her eyes darted at every sound, searching for something to confirm that. This bore no resemblance to the locals’ yarns of “necromancy” or voices chanting “Sin-see-kwee”, spelt “Synnsequi”. Not surprising. Something was off about their stares. Yes, the collectores’ androgynous uniform provoked such. But that was too normal.

“I heard their whispers thou know. About the headdress. I know the truth about this task.”

They said that her tricorno hat hid three horns. That its hijab, bauta mask, and blindfold concealed a revenant. Her false voice said these were superstitious people. They were unnerved by necromancy, which was theoretical. No, that was a lie to make her think twas normal. She looked up, and stumbled back. Branches coiled around the leper’s legs to form a symbol.

“M-Matre Terra?”

A whip cracked, blood spurted, and her horse neighed before abruptly cutting off. She swung around just as something lurched away from her horse’s corpse.

 

[JS Wiig]

I'm confused by the dialog as there seems to be only one person in the scene?

I can't tell who's talking or who they are talking to.

 

[sule]

I could sense some interesting world-building within this section, and the voice of the narrator was unique. I had a few quibbles with some of the phrasing. The smallest thing is that I was thrown by your use of "Twas" in description, firstly because I usually see it spelled as T'was but also because I just don't generally expect to see it in third person. Not saying you were wrong to use it, just saying I was put off place by it.

There were a couple of specific sentence-level things that I didn't like. This paragraph:

She glanced around, then leapt off the horse, and no, she wasn’t being reckless. Fastened to her back was a buckler. Twas a small circular shield with a central dome. She unfastened it and shielded herself. Her rapier was poised behind it. Twilight illuminated the cloth talisman around its grip.

You spend three sentences on her taking her shield off her back. It felt redundant; I would rather you introduce us to the shield through action ("she took the small buckler off her back and held it in front of her" or something like that) just because it would move the narrative along much more smoothly.

voices chanting “Sin-see-kwee”, spelt “Synnsequi”.

I was thrown as a reader by this. I didn't like that you phoneticized it and then spelled it out immediately afterward. As a reader, this would have put me nearer to putting the book down because I don't trust authors who feel they have to say the same thing multiple times. I would be fine with you just using the phonetics here, then using a later event to establish how it is spelled, if that is important (because to me, how the word is spelled didn't seem that important at this juncture).

A whip cracked, blood spurted, and her horse neighed before abruptly cutting off. She swung around just as something lurched away from her horse’s corpse.

These sentences are awkward, mainly because I'm not sure about the blood spurting. She didn't see it spurting from her horse, because she doesn't see the horse until the next sentence. Does she hear the blood spurting? How does she know that it's blood? To be honest, it would probably be best to drop the "blood spurting" part. I think the sentences would flow a lot better that way.

Oh, and towards JS Wiig's point about the one person dialogue, I read with the assumption that the POV character is a bit crazy--talking to people who aren't there, or to herself. If that was your intention then you pulled it off, at least for me.

So, all in all I would say I am in the "tentatively intrigued" camp of reader. I might read a bit more because the worldbuilding seems very unique but I would probably put the book down at the next awkward phrasing or redundant description. It reads to me like a decent first draft.

 

[autodidact]

The basic idea sounds good.

sule suggests this is a decent first draft, but I don't think it is.

The first sentence, for example,

Everyone was out to get Collector Marina, heed not the conspirators’ blasphemy.

makes no sense. If I read this with a view to reading a completed story, that would be as far as I would get.

Otherwise, I mostly agree with the above comments. It's impossible to understand what is happening, if indeed anything is happening. I think the problem might be one of context. You haven't set one, and because this is a fantasy story I think a typical reader would struggle to supply their own. I presume you do create context as the story continues, but really it needs to start from the very first paragraph.

There are some interesting snippets. In particular the 'blessed blindfold'. Maybe your first chapter could portray when she first received it, why she received it, explain what it is, and so on. That would allow a bit of character development, too. Does the prospect of wearing it cause apprehension, or is she proud to wear it, for example. Does she have to wear it, and what happens if she doesn't. That would give an insight not only into her character but into those who gave it to her, and also into the nature of their god.

I would say the same about the mask. What is its function, and so on.

None of that has to be done all at once. Things can be explained here or there as the story progresses.

In short, I think your style, while very ambitious, is too avant–garde. I would drop the faux-medieval speak, rewrite the sentences in a traditional manner, change any names so you don't have to explain how to pronounce them, and then add some simple description to create at least some context, and then you'd have a decent first draft.

 

[SonicSouls]

Hi. Thanks for the critique. Now that you've pointed it out I can see the problems. I was too familiar with my world to notice that it would be confusing to other people. I've just rewritten some of the first page. Do you think this is better?

Everyone was out to get Marina, or so she believed. A collector was supposed to catch sinners. Yet tonight, she had to catch the theoretical. All because of a conspiracy against Matre Luna. The matres may have created humanity, but only Matre Luna deserved the right to rule. Unbeknownst to all though, tonight would change the course of the Matre’s Twilight:

“I know thou art watching me,” Marina said.

She laughed. Oh, would those conspirators be shocked, she thought. Knowing the truth and using “thou art” instead of “you are”? What would they do against the most honorable collector's wittiness? Their elegance? Everything those fictional—TRUE tales promised her.

“Thou can show thyself,” Marina said, “Or does thou still think I’ll be surprised?”

The bells were too faint for—what’s that? Just the trees’ branches creaks. Or so they wanted her to think. Just as they wanted her to think this was just another incident of Matre Terra smiting someplace. Her horse slowly followed the path, and one bell’s pealing grew louder. A stench wormed into her mask’s nose. Through her blessed blindfold she saw its source. Drooped upside-down from a tree was a corpse peppered with bloodless lacerations. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. She sighed.

“Third corpse this week? Really?” Marina said, “Whatever, just a leper’s bell… a leper’s bell…”

“Another corpse? Really?” Marina said, “Whatever, just a leper’s bell… a leper’s bell…”

She glanced around, then leapt off the horse. She took the buckler shield off her back and held it in front. Her rapier was poised behind. Twilight illuminated the cloth talisman around its grip. Little did those conspirators suspect the miracle it could cast.

“What?” Marina said, "All collectores have the same miracle.”

Her eyes widened, and she cursed.

“Damn that false voice. Damn that brainwashing.”

She creeped towards the corpse. It had a pale body with blood pooled below. Part of her cried for help but she suppressed it. Her eyes darted at every sound. This bore no resemblance to those locals’ yarns of “necromancy”, that theoretical children’s tale. Or of voices chanting “Sin-see-kwee”.

“Synnsequi,” Marina said, “Who came up with that gibberish?”

The same people unnerved by her androgynous uniform. The headdress in particular inspired stories of revenants lurking beneath it. A tricorno hat to hide the three horns. A hijab to hide the skull. And a blindfolded bauta mask that made the voice androgynous to hide the truth. Yes, this was all a normal reaction. Too normal. She looked up, and stumbled back. Branches coiled around the leper’s legs to form a symbol.

“M-Matre Terra?”

A whip cracked and her horse neighed before abruptly cutting off. She swung around just as something lurched away from the horse’s corpse.

-------
And then the story goes from there.

 

[SonicSouls]

Thanks for the critique. I think I'll keep the faux-medieval speak, but it's specifically for her character. She's the only one that uses it, and the reasoning behind that becomes apparent later on. I'll provide greater context as to the meaning so the reader can understand. I posted a revision of some of that page under a different person's critique. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

 

[autodidact]

Thanks for the critique. I think I'll keep the faux-medieval speak, but it's specifically for her character. She's the only one that uses it, and the reasoning behind that becomes apparent later on. I'll provide greater context as to the meaning so the reader can understand. I posted a revision of some of that page under a different person's critique. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

Yes, that's a big improvement.

 

[SonicSouls]

What do you think could be improved? What do you like about it?

 

[Hex]

I thought your second version was better. Certainly I didn't get thrown by the first sentence, which is always good. I thought your re-write there was really engaging. Some comments below:

Everyone was out to get Marina, or so she believed. A collector was supposed to catch sinners. Yet tonight, she had to catch the theoretical. [not sure I understand what "the theoretical" is -- does that mean theoretical sinners or something called 'the theoretical' or something else. I got confused] All because of a conspiracy against Matre Luna. The matres may have created humanity, but only Matre Luna deserved the right to rule. [<-- I know it's not very much but for me, right here in the story, that's a bit much explanation. I'd rather find out why Marina needs to catch this theoretical and see her doing stuff. Later, I can find out about the world] Unbeknownst to all though, tonight would change the course of the Matre’s Twilight: [is that something Marina believes, or is that your authorial voice telling us that?]

“I know thou art watching me,” Marina said.

She laughed. [I generally don't like people laughing right after they speak, while they're on their own and I don't know why. That might be just me, though] Oh, would those conspirators be shocked, she thought. Knowing the truth and using “thou art” instead of “you are”? What would they do against the most honorable collector's wittiness? Their elegance? Everything those fictional—TRUE tales promised her. [I've lost track again and that's a paragraph of things I do not understand, which I find frustrating. I don't know who anyone is or what these references are to. I'm afraid this would be where I'd give up on the story].

“Thou can show thyself,” Marina said, “Or does thou still think I’ll be surprised?”

The bells were too faint for—what’s that? Just the trees’ branches creaks. Or so they wanted her to think. Just as they wanted her to think this was just another incident of Matre Terra smiting someplace. Her horse slowly followed the path, and one bell’s pealing grew louder. A stench wormed into her mask’s nose. Through her blessed blindfold she saw its source. Drooped upside-down from a tree was a corpse peppered with bloodless lacerations. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. She sighed. [I kind of like this bit from "Her horse... neck" -- I understand pretty much what's happening there and it's interesting]

So, for me, it's all a bit mysterious. I completely get where you're coming from because I like to do this as well, but it's quite frustrating for the reader unless there's something to carry them forward, if that makes sense? I just finished praising the novel Hexwood by saying that for three-quarters of the book I had no idea what was going on, but the difference is that I understood what the characters thought was happening and I was engaged in their struggles. The problem with mystery is that it's very hard to engage with what's going on if you don't understand it.

I hope that makes sense. You write well and I get the feeling there's an interesting story in here, but it needs some explanation to bring it out so that readers understand your world as well as you do.

 

[SonicSouls]

Thanks for the critique. I figured one of the main aspects I would struggle with was my familiarity with my world vs. the reader's. I have some ideas that I will work on this week. Sometime this week I'll post a revision of the entire chapter. I will take your critique and others into account. Thanks.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I suggest dialing back on the foreshadowing. Give me the current scene and not a synopsis of what will come later. Also, don't wait until the last minute to give me details. It feels like the story is being told ad hoc and important info is just added in at the last minute. Consider whether the idiomatic voice is really needed. It feels like it becomes inconsistent and would probably be tedious to read at length.

The following are my reactions as I read the story (second version)

Everyone was out to get Marina,
This makes me want to read. I think the original with the description Collector Marina was better.

or so she believed.
This stripped away the tension by implying it is only paranoia.

A collector was supposed to catch sinners. Yet tonight, she had to catch the theoretical. All because of a conspiracy against Matre Luna. The matres may have created humanity, but only Matre Luna deserved the right to rule. Unbeknownst to all though, tonight would change the course of the Matre’s Twilight:
I grew bored as this seemed to be an info dump unconnected to the everyone out to get her idea.

“I know thou art watching me,” Marina said.
Who is she talking to? I expected a second character to be introduced.

She laughed. Oh, would those conspirators be shocked, she thought. Knowing the truth and using “thou art” instead of “you are”? What would they do against the most honorable collector's wittiness? Their elegance? Everything those fictional—TRUE tales promised her.
Why would she laugh? This is going against the tension implied in the opening. The grammar lesson pulled me completely out of the story. I have lost the plot of the scene.

“Thou can show thyself,” Marina said, “Or does thou still think I’ll be surprised?”
Why is she talking out loud? What surprise does she now expect?

The bells were too faint for—what’s that? Just the trees’ branches creaks. Or so they wanted her to think.
What bells is she talking about? The phrasing sounds like the bell sounds are coming from her and she believes they are too faint for others to hear. Otherwise, if they are faint, how does she hear them? I had to re-picture the scene when I read this and put her in a forest. Why would the bells sound like tree branches creaking? Avoid the double possessive. What do they want her to think?

Just as they wanted her to think this was just another incident of Matre Terra smiting someplace. Her horse slowly followed the path, and one bell’s pealing grew louder. A stench wormed into her mask’s nose. Through her blessed blindfold she saw its source. Drooped upside-down from a tree was a corpse peppered with bloodless lacerations. A tiny bell dangled from its neck. She sighed.
What incident is being referred to? Why didn't you tell me she was on a horse? When did she get a mask? And a blindfold that she can see through? How does a corpse hanging upside-down droop?

“Third corpse this week? Really?” Marina said, “Whatever, just a leper’s bell… a leper’s bell…”

“Another corpse? Really?” Marina said, “Whatever, just a leper’s bell… a leper’s bell…”
Redundant. Editing mistake?

She glanced around, then leapt off the horse. She took the buckler shield off her back and held it in front. Her rapier was poised behind. Twilight illuminated the cloth talisman around its grip. Little did those conspirators suspect the miracle it could cast.
If she feels everyone is out to get her, wouldn't she be more cautious in dismounting? When did she get a shield, rapier, and magic?

“What?” Marina said, "All collectores have the same miracle.”
Who does she hear and then respond to?

Her eyes widened, and she cursed.

“Damn that false voice. Damn that brainwashing.”
What voice did she hear?

She creeped towards the corpse. It had a pale body with blood pooled below. Part of her cried for help but she suppressed it. Her eyes darted at every sound. This bore no resemblance to those locals’ yarns of “necromancy”, that theoretical children’s tale. Or of voices chanting “Sin-see-kwee”.
Where did the blood come from? I thought the wounds were bloodless. What sounds? Why should I care about these new details?

“Synnsequi,” Marina said, “Who came up with that gibberish?”
Why does she keep saying things aloud, if she is alone?

The same people unnerved by her androgynous uniform. The headdress in particular inspired stories of revenants lurking beneath it. A tricorno hat to hide the three horns. A hijab to hide the skull. And a blindfolded bauta mask that made the voice androgynous to hide the truth. Yes, this was all a normal reaction. Too normal. She looked up, and stumbled back. Branches coiled around the leper’s legs to form a symbol.
What people? Why I am just finding out now that she has a hat, three horns, and a hijab? What is the normal reaction?

“M-Matre Terra?”
Who is speaking? Is it Marina or is she hearing someone else?

A whip cracked and her horse neighed before abruptly cutting off. She swung around just as something lurched away from the horse’s corpse.
Time sequence is confusing. Did the horse neigh before or after the whip crack? Wouldn't the horse make a more panicked sound? This may be explained in the next lines, but I would expect a whip to imply some distance from the horse.

I think this could be a very tension filled opening, but the focus seems to get distracted from the immediate plot line by including larger plot hints. Perhaps provide the key character and environment details in the opening paragraph with an attention grabber first sentence, then describe Maria being stalked through the woods.

 

[autodidact]

What do you think could be improved? What do you like about it?

I think Hex pretty much nails it for me, and I picked up on this

not sure I understand what "the theoretical" is

as well. It's a phrase that I think would take many readers out of the narrative, and that's never a good thing. Don't be afraid to use lots of words to convey meaning. If you find you've used too many then it's easier to take a few out rather than having to rearrange everything to put more in.

I wrote a short fun piece on this thread The House of Lovecraft yesterday. At the end, If you look at what Edoc'sil and I wrote, you can see how we're quite happy to use whatever words are necessary to convey feel. In this case, an old style late 19th century horror. My prose is probably a bit over the top here or there. I thought it might convey a feeling similar to some of the old Hammer movies from the late fifties, but if not then it doesn't really matter. It only took a few minutes to write. I would consider that a first draft if I were to take that story seriously.