Matres Twilight #1 First Page Revision

[SonicSouls]

Normally, a collector apprehended sinners. But tonight, she was tasked with apprehending that which was only theoretically possible. And by doing so, she would be one of many who determined the fate of a bygone age. They were Marina.

“I know thou art watching I,” Marina said.

She laughed. Her blessed bauta mask gave it an androgynous voice. Combined with the use of older diction, it would shock her pursuers. Even if others said she used that diction randomly and often incorrectly. But what did they know? She smirked.

“Thou can show thyself,” Marina said, “Or do you all still think I’ll be surprised?”

She heard bells echo. Something stirred and branches’ creaked. It was just the wind. Or so they wanted her to think. As if the quest’s objective wasn’t a dead giveaway.

Her horse slowly followed the path. One bell’s pealing grew louder. A stench wormed into her mask’s nose. Through her blessed blindfold she saw its source. Drooped upside-down from a tree was a deformed corpse. Bloodless lacerations peppered it. A tiny bell dangled from its neck.

“Another corpse? What’s this, fifth one this week? Whatever.”

Her face paled.

I-I mean, ‘twas once someone infected with leprosy, a most appalling injustice.”

Her face reddened.

“Don’t care that all the matres created us Matre Luna, soon, you will rule alone.”

She chuckled imagining what Matre Terra’s reaction would be. Recently they smitten a village with leprosy, sent its “sinners” to Leprosi Sanctuarium, then smitten that. It would’ve been typical, if not for her quest’s objective.

She glanced around. Where were those pursuers? Probably mocking her. She was tasked to catch undead fused together. Didn’t matter that necromancy was only theoretically possible. Granted, the locals also claimed something chanted “Sin-see-kwee” in the forest.

“Synnsequi. Who came up with that gibberish?”

The locals. They said her androgynous clothing masked a revenant. The tricorno hat hid three horns, the hijab scars, and the mask the face and voice. Typical rumors.

“They’ve must’ve brainwashed the locals to hunt me.”

Her eyes darted at every sound.

“Which I always knew!”

The wind picked up, and she yelped. She realized how many bells there were. That was the pursuers’ way of mocking her, daring her to run away. But if she showed weakness, they would exploit it. She leapt off the horse.

“I… I’m not afraid!” Marina yelled, “Are thou?”

Silence. She took the buckler off her back and held it in front. Her rapier was poised behind. Wrapped on its grip was a cloth talisman.

“I can use this talisman and a secret prayer to cast a special miracle, you know.”

Part of her claimed that was a lie. That every collector had the same miracle.

 

[msstice]

It reads much more easily, but I was confused by some points. Oddly, I liked the mysteriousness of your previous version, this one seems a bit too tame.

she would be one of many who determined the fate of a bygone age.

This is close, but there is some disconnect between a bygone age and its fate still yet to be determined.

“Another corpse? What’s this, fifth one this week? Whatever.”

Her face paled.

I-I mean, ‘twas once someone infected with leprosy, a most appalling injustice.”

Her face reddened.

“Don’t care that all the matres created us Matre Luna, soon, you will rule alone.”

Why did her face pale? Then redden? Not clear to me.

 

[Wayne Mack]

To me it sounds like there are a lot of interesting ideas rattling around, but the overall plot that follows has yet to be decided. Without the plot framework to help determine when key information can be uncovered, the information seems to be given out all at once, just in case the story might need it later. There seem to be inconsistencies, basic descriptions of environment and character seem late (and therefore arbitrary), and the introduction does not seem to correspond to the story that follows.

I suggest to stop and write down a plot objective for the first chapter, two-three character characteristics to reveal, and the minimum environment that the reader needs to understand the plot. Then put yourself in the point of view of the narrative and think through the chapter arc while remaining in that point of view.

Normally, a collector apprehended sinners. But tonight, she was tasked with apprehending that which was only theoretically possible. And by doing so, she would be one of many who determined the fate of a bygone age. They were Marina.

The opening indicates that Marina did not believe in her quest and that she chased something she deemed only theoretical. Yet she also believes that it is real and and will affect the fate of the world. Unless this is a time travel story, I am confused as to how it could affect a bygone age. The sudden switch to plural at the end gives the impression of multiple personalities or competing spirits within Marina, though the text that follows does not really indicate that.

“I know thou art watching I,” Marina said.

"... watching me."

She laughed. Her blessed bauta mask gave it an androgynous voice. Combined with the use of older diction, it would shock her pursuers. Even if others said she used that diction randomly and often incorrectly. But what did they know? She smirked.

The term bauta mask was unfamiliar to me and I needed to stop and look it up. Perhaps describe the mask for readers who do not know the term. Not certain why she would laugh, it does not seem an appropriate reaction. Calling my attention to the grammar used completely pulled me out of the story line. Is this the same 'they' as in the opening paragraph? If Marina is wearing a full cover mask, hajib, hat, and blindfold, how would her smirk be visible? This is also true of all other facial expressions referenced.

She heard bells echo. Something stirred and branches’ creaked. It was just the wind. Or so they wanted her to think. As if the quest’s objective wasn’t a dead giveaway.

Bells echoing implies a closed space. Branches imply a forest, which would deaden echoes. How does the wind make something stir? These are stated as objective occurrences and then walked back. Who is this 'they' and how would they control her thoughts? What does the quest's objective have to do with how the noises were interpreted? The objective has been described as only theoretical, so I am not sure why it would make anything obvious.

Her horse slowly followed the path. One bell’s pealing grew louder. A stench wormed into her mask’s nose. Through her blessed blindfold she saw its source. Drooped upside-down from a tree was a deformed corpse. Bloodless lacerations peppered it. A tiny bell dangled from its neck.

I felt surprise to discover that Marina was riding a horse. If she is wearing a full face covering, why would she also wear a blindfold? With her eyes covered, how does she see? Drooped and upside-down seem to imply different orientations. How is the corpse deformed?

“Another corpse? What’s this, fifth one this week? Whatever.”

Who is she speaking to? This does not seem to be something to say to a pursuer. This does not seem to be a theoretical discovery. It also implies an ongoing task, not one specific for tonight.

I-I mean, ‘twas once someone infected with leprosy, a most appalling injustice.”

No opening quotation mark. Unclear why there should be a change in demeanor from one laughing out loud to nervousness. If this is her quest, why would she be surprised. Is she talking to the pursuers or is this supposed to be talking to internal voices?

“Don’t care that all the matres created us Matre Luna, soon, you will rule alone.”

Missing pronoun makes this confusing. Is Marina stating that she does not care or directing Matre Luna to not care? Is there a missing comma or is it intended to read like "the matres created us [as] Matre Luna"?

She chuckled imagining what Matre Terra’s reaction would be. Recently they smitten a village with leprosy, sent its “sinners” to Leprosi Sanctuarium, then smitten that. It would’ve been typical, if not for her quest’s objective.

Why the change from fear back to chuckling? If the intent is to display multiple personalities, I do not find it obvious, but cannot seem to explain the emotional changes otherwise. 'Smitten' is not a stand alone verb, perhaps 'had smitten' would work. Who is the they that could induce leprosy and then send the villagers somewhere? What does 'It' refer to? Matre Terra's reaction? Something else? How does her quest affect that?

She glanced around. Where were those pursuers? Probably mocking her. She was tasked to catch undead fused together. Didn’t matter that necromancy was only theoretically possible. Granted, the locals also claimed something chanted “Sin-see-kwee” in the forest.

Why did she now think her hidden pursuers would be visible? If their intent was to mock her, why pursue her? What does undead fused together have to do with speaking to the dead? Does she or does she not believe in her quest?

“They’ve must’ve brainwashed the locals to hunt me.”

Who is the they? This seems to be the third or fourth vague they invoked. Fix the grammar.

I feel I am missing what the introductory arc should be doing and it does not seem to be fully thought out. I feel that the story line keeps getting interrupted with random 'big ideas' that are not really appropriate to the scene's context. Reduce the number of big arc story elements and expand on the introductory arc story elements. I feel that would make a much more inviting opening to the overall story.

 

[Edoc'sil]

You're definitely moving in the right direction with this! Things felt clearer but now that I understand it more I have to agree with the above posters that some of this stuff seems like it needs to be introduced more slowly. Perhaps start it with her interactions with these locals?

I would like to see her ride through the town like those old spaghetti westerns, might be interesting and gives you a chance to describe the character and the world a bit more before heading into this.

But the fact that I can make these stupid suggestions means I have a clearer image of her in my mind now. The dialogue makes more sense and I can picture her. So well done, big improvement.

I can also see where she is better as well, still needs a bit more description though. For example, I can imagine the trees and the bells but are there many trees or just one? Is she in some kind of swamp, field or forest, park even? Whats the floor and the landscape like? This may be just me (or I had a brain fart) but also I forgot if it was day or night while I was reading, so had to go back, maybe some more description of that rather than just telling us is warranted? Finally, Is she looking for a physical monster or a spirit? (granted that last one could come later, to keep the mystery)

 

[JS Wiig]

In my opinion, sometimes it is more productive to move on to something else, rather than bang one’s head against something that just isn’t working at the moment.

It will still be there waiting, and time away can give better perspective on where problems may lurk, and how to fix them.

 

[sule]

I think I understood that most her spoken dialogue was for the benefit of people she thought were following her. Much of your description of her piqued my interest, but otherwise I was confused about what was happening. I also didn't understand the line "They were Marina" because you otherwise refer to Marina as "she" and give no explanation for the first "they."

I would say the main issue I had with this pass was the lack of specificity in description of things beyond the main character. I would have liked more details that gave me a sense of the world at large--who she thought was following her and why, where this was taking place (there's one specific place named, and otherwise the most we get about this area is that it is inhabited with "locals").