Book Summary : 3 Options

[Bren G]

Hello Chroners!

I wish to update my Amazon summary for my novel The 13th Vote. Wondered if you might help me choose and polish a summary? I've three options below. Please let me know which one you like best, and why. Also, would be extremely grateful if you could suggest improvements to your choice. thank you! Bren G


Option #1

***

Fifty-Six years after leaving earth, humanity is at a crossroads. When a glum detective and an idealistic journalist team up to solve a murder, they discover a young man at its center, whose family holds the secret that can expose a brutal truth about the colony’s founding and stop a brutal civil war.


Option #2

***

Fifty-Six years after escaping earth, humanity is at a crossroads, and its fate is in the hands of a typical college student.

Alyn Frederick Jr. has fallen on hard times, he has just one friend, and worst of all, he cannot find the courage to ask his crush out on a date. When his deadbeat dad is murdered, Alyn is dragged into a grand conspiracy of the highest order. At its heart is a dark family secret that a powerful politician would plunge the colony into civil war to protect.

Alyn takes an interplanetary journey, aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing AI, in search of answers. However, the truth won’t come from the shadows easy. Alyn must find the courage to find it if he is to save humanity and the world.


Option #3

***

By 2034, a global war has killed billions, and the earth’s last remnants have settled off-world. Over fifty years later, humanity is plagued by strife yet again, as the colony’s government fights an evil insurgent faction. But not all is what it seems when Alyn Frederick Jr. is shocked by the murder of his father, and is joined by a desolate detective and an idealistic journalist to solve the case. They discover a grand conspiracy that threatens the planet and puts Alyn on an interplanetary journey to learn a dark family secret. If he can expose the truth, he might stop a brutal civil war.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

1. is too short and generic for me.
2. I like, but I don't like 'at a crossroads' - it doesn't state the stakes clearly. A crossroads indicates choice, not deadly options. I don't like the list in the second paragraph.
3. Has the most promise, I feel, but it seems a little bogged down on the dates. Why not leave off the 2034 and just start with 'A global war has killed billions and the last remnants of humanity (makes it clearer that we haven't just transplanted ourselves somewhere) have settled off world.'
Strife again feels weak. Strife is an annoyance.
Could you name the colony? The Colony sounds generic.
I'd tidy up around Alyn's intol 'but not all is what it seems when Alyn..., shocked by the murder of his father, is joined by a ....'
Grand reads wrong in my Irish mind, but that might just be us because we say things like 'it's a grand cup of tea'
The Conspiracy then feels a bit mixed up, because it both threatens the planet and sends Alyn off to find a family secret but there's no hint the two are linked.
The last line works for me.

 

[Topher]

For me (very much an amateur so take this on advisement) #2 drew me in more. It felt like it emphasised most what is unique to your story - civil wars are ten a penny, but a college student worrying about a crush while dealing with all this sounds interesting.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I suggest reversing the order in the blurbs to get the key theme in first and then tell the backstory. The plot seems to be a murder mystery political thriller set in space. The following is a little rough, but I hope it highlights what I mean by reversing the order.

Alyn Frederick Jr. is shocked by the death of his deadbeat father on a distant colony world. So, he takes an interplanetary journey, aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing AI, in search of answers. It has been 56 years since humanity has left Earth for survival and now Alyn's family holds the secret that can expose a brutal truth about the colony’s founding and can prevent a brutal civil war.

 

[JS Wiig]

I agree with @Wayne Mack, get the character and conflict front and center, then season with the setting.

 

[Bren G]

For me (very much an amateur so take this on advisement) #2 drew me in more. It felt like it emphasised most what is unique to your story - civil wars are ten a penny, but a college student worrying about a crush while dealing with all this sounds interesting.

Thanks Topher. These summaries of course a meant to 'hook' the reader so in many ways, self-described amateurs and non-authors, are the target market.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think Wayne is onto something there.

 

[HareBrain]

This isn't going to help, but I preferred #1. It's short enough that I read all of it before feeling like I was having to force myself, but mainly, the pairing of glum person with idealistic person suggested a possibly entertaining dynamic. That alone wouldn't sell the story, but might be enough to get me to read a sample. However, I think you could probably do better than any of these.

 

[Bren G]

Thanks all. I am seeing two themes. Short is better (but not too short) and bring the personal elements to the fore (character and conflict. I started with @Wayne Mack's version and tweaked it some. What do you all think?

***
On a distant world, Alyn Frederick Jr. is shocked by the death of his father and is reluctantly thrust into an interplanetary adventure. Aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing A.I., he must discover a brutal truth about the colony’s founding if he is to clear his name and - prevent a civil war.

The truth, however, won’t come easy.

 

[Edoc'sil]

I think that last one you just wrote above works best, just wanted to add I liked this line "a global war has killed billions, and the earth’s last remnants have settled off-world" unless you wanted to keep it hidden from the summary and tell it later. And I liked "brutal civil war" which wasn't in this version.

 

[sule]

As a reader, I look at the blurb to give me a promise not only of what the story will be about but also the tone of the story and potentially the kind of progression that will be made along the way. As a writer, I would want to make sure that the blurb of my book presented the book in such a way that it attracts the kinds of people who will enjoy reading it.

This is how I interpreted your blurbs:

Option #1 makes the book sound like a thriller/mystery in space, where the main characters are the detective and the journalist. For me, it appears to promise a hard-boiled tone.

Option #2 seems like more of a wacky adventure thriller with a tongue-in-cheek tone where Alyn is the main character, and the others are interesting side characters he meets along the way, and the progression is both about a conspiracy and about Alyn becoming more assertive.

Option #3 promises a tight thriller with no frills or time for games, something a bit like a Clancy novel in space. For me, it promises very little in the way of character arc and instead going for grand scale with governments and civil war.

Option #4 (the re-write) appears to promise a bit more of a character-focused thriller but again with a grand scale and not a lot of promised humor.

My personal favorite is probably Option #2 because it gives the most specificity without falling into as much "same-old" blurb stuff. However, the best blurb is whichever one grabs the audience that will enjoy the book that you have written. If you wrote a grand thriller, write a blurb that represents it that way. If it's more of a wacky space adventure, then write about it with that tone.

I'll go ahead and assume that your most recent blurb pass is the one you think represents your story the best and give you my thoughts on it.

On a distant world, Alyn Frederick Jr. is shocked by the death of his father and is reluctantly thrust into an interplanetary adventure.

This first sentence makes the story sound like its taking place far away, but not necessarily in the future. If that's important to your story, I would definitely mention it. Also, I think you should make sure we know the father was murdered--just saying "death" gives us less of an idea of what to expect from the story. He could've died naturally and left an inheritance or treasure hunt just the same as having been murdered as part of a conspiracy.

Aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing A.I., he must discover a brutal truth about the colony’s founding if he is to clear his name and - prevent a civil war.

Not sure what the dash is doing at the end. It threw me a bit. The rest of the sentence works well for me.

The truth, however, won’t come easy.

For me, this runs into "same old" stuff. It doesn't really give me a sense of what forces are marshaled against him or what kind of obstacles he has to overcome. I would like to see more specifically what is trying to prevent him from finding the truth.

 

[Toby Frost]

So far, I like No.2 best, but I think it could do with improvement. I'd cut "typical", as it makes the character sound dull. If the book is a lighter story, and more towards YA, I'd keep in the bit about asking someone out. If not, I'd lose it, as it feels frivolous compared to saving the galaxy. Also, "easy" should be "easily", technically speaking.

In fact, I might just cut the start, so that it reads like this (my changes in italics):


When his deadbeat dad is murdered, Alyn Frederick Jnr is dragged into a grand conspiracy of the highest order. At its heart is a dark family secret, which a powerful politician would plunge mankind's new homeworld into civil war to protect.

Alyn takes an interplanetary journey, aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing AI, in search of answers. However, the truth won’t come from the shadows easily. Alyn must find the courage to find it if he is to save humanity and the world.


Something like that, maybe? You might want to lose "grand" as "of the highest order" is saying the same thing. Maybe replace it with "deadly" or the like?

 

[tinkerdan]

There really is something to like about all of them.
However for me the newest one come closest to pulling me in.

he forcefully flicked open the metal box,

On a distant world, Alyn Frederick Jr. is shocked by the death of his father and is reluctantly thrust into an interplanetary adventure. Aided by an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing A.I., he must discover a brutal truth about the colony’s founding if he is to clear his name and - prevent a civil war.

The truth, however, won’t come easy.

However, rather than have that last line you might change some of the final line of the main paragraph.

In a distant future, on a distant world, Alyn Frederick Jr., shocked and threatened by the death of his father, is thrust into an interplanetary intrigue. Teamed with an idealistic journalist, a desolate gumshoe, and a rapidly developing A.I., they must plausibly uncover a brutal truth about the colony’s founding to clear his name and prevent civil war.

I'm looking for something stronger than plausibly uncover, but my mind seems fogged right now.

 

[Robert Zwilling]

I found option 3 more interesting than options 1 or 2. But the start for 3, By 2034, seems to come out of nowhere. The last line for 4, The truth, however, won’t come easy, isn't needed, the truth never does come easy in a story, so I wouldn't use that line. 4 as it is, is not enough, I would put 3 and 4 together.

 

[therapist]

I found #3 most intriguing,

a global war has killed billions, and the earth’s last remnants have settled off-world.

They discover a grand conspiracy that threatens the planet and puts Alyn on an interplanetary journey to learn a dark family secret.

Both of these work as hooks for me.

 

[Bren G]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to provide feedback. It's been most helpful. What I have learned is there are very divergent preferences but many commonalities that I tried to capture and incorporate. Here is the new version. If any have the patience to comment still I would appreciate it!

***

On a distant world, in a not-too-distant future, Alyn Frederick Jr. arrives home from college and is shocked by his father’s murder. Alyn hasn’t a clue as to who killed him or why, but even more puzzling, finds himself as the main suspect.

A forlorn detective, employing a unique crime solving method and a newly developed A.I., searches for him, and teams up with an idealistic journalist who wishes to make her mark on the world. Together, they uncover a grand conspiracy, orchestrated by a powerful politician, who aims to radically transform society, but must trigger an interplanetary civil war to do it.

Alyn must discover a dark truth about his family’s legacy if he is to clear his name and prevent the genocide. And the key to it all, is his grandfather’s wristwatch.

(or maybe this line is better to close -> … And the key to unlock it is closer than he thinks.)

 

[JS Wiig]

(or maybe this line is better to close -> … And the key to unlock it is closer than he thinks.)

NO! Haha sorry for shouting.

For me the wristwatch was very compelling, definitely makes me interested in the story. Probably the best line in the whole blurb.

I will say though, something with the first two paragraphs doesn’t click with me. They feel sterile and almost cliche, particularly “On a distant world, in a not-too-distant future...”.

 

[sule]

I definitely like the specificity of the wristwatch.

 

[Robert Zwilling]

On a distant world, in a not-too-distant future

The grandfather and the wristwatch are good, different, like old school. The word distant isn't working for me. I like to repeat words to reinforce the meaning, but here, the two phrases seem to oppose each other. Maybe it is too star warsy.
--searches for him-- my grammar isn't great, maybe it is me, but I am wondering, who is searching for who, and in an abstract way, I am wondering why is someone being searched for? I could even wonder, is the detective, or maybe the AI is a walking talking robot, or just a voice in a computer, is searching for Alyn, and how did he get lost.

 

[HareBrain]

On a distant world, in a not-too-distant future, Alyn Frederick Jr. arrives home from college and is shocked by his father’s murder. Alyn hasn’t a clue as to who killed him or why, but even more puzzling, finds himself as the main suspect.

A forlorn detective, employing a unique crime solving method and a newly developed A.I., searches for him, and teams up with an idealistic journalist who wishes to make her mark on the world. Together, they uncover a grand conspiracy, orchestrated by a powerful politician, who aims to radically transform society, but must trigger an interplanetary civil war to do it.

Alyn must discover a dark truth about his family’s legacy if he is to clear his name and prevent the genocide. And the key to it all, is his grandfather’s wristwatch.

I don't think it's a good idea to not be clear in a blurb who your main character is. Pick one (presumably Alyn).

I said above I like brevity. This, for me, contains all the info you need, though it needs rewording:

College student Alyn Frederick Jr hasn’t a clue as to who killed his father or why, nor why he is the main suspect. He must discover a dark truth about his family’s legacy if he is to clear his name and prevent a genocide. And the key to it all, is his grandfather’s wristwatch.