Howdy folks. In recent months I've been trying to take on board past critiques, comparing my writing to published authors and working on developing my writing style. It's been a slow process and I've had to break through several prejudices, especially one relating to getting inside characters' heads. Anyway, what follows is a short excerpt that marks, I think, a change in how I write. I'd appreciate any comments. And don't worry about pointing out errors, I know I still have plenty to work on!
This is an introduction to two characters as well as the broad, underlying themes of the novel. It's so brief, I won't bother to explain anything else, as I'm not looking for critiques of the story itself. Here goes:
Seph pushed his legs to keep moving. He was out of breath, his cheeks were frozen, his feet were sore and he all he could think about was how stupid he’d been to agree to this. On top of his physical torment, half-an-hour ago his interface had pinged a warning that he was moving out of range of any signal, that his personal data system would have to record everything for later upload. That had shocked him. He couldn’t quite comprehend that, in this day and age, there was any place on Earth without a signal. He didn’t think his semiaut would believe it, either, and it definitely wouldn’t be pleased.
Morag’s shout broke through his brooding. Lifting his gaze from the path, he saw her standing atop the ridge ahead, silhouetted against a deep blue sky and waving back at him, urging him on. Her energy and eagerness seemed, in his mind, calculated to annoy him even more. Still, it wasn’t far and, one switchback later, he was nearing the top.
‘Why,’ Seph puffed, ‘oh, why did we have to come here?’
‘Stop complaining and take a look,’ Morag answered as she motioned behind her.
Seph took the final steps up to the ridgeline and half-glanced past her shoulder, not really interested in whatever bird or tree or bee she was enthusing about now.
He stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes went wide as, despite cold, weariness and worry, a smile grew on his face.
Beyond the ridge, a huge expanse of grey stone stretched out to the far horizon. Green moss and purple heather burst from every fold and fracture in the rock, painting it with colour and filling the air with the scent of honey. Scattered across the plateau, pools of bright water shone with a blue so intense they seemed not so much mirrors of the heavens above but, rather, windows into a second sky that lay hidden below.
Over all of this hung a summer sun, holding just above the rim of the world, refusing to set, and washing the land in rich red and gold. On the rocks at Seph’s feet, orange lichen soaked up the light until it burned like coals within the stone. And here and there, secreted in sheltered cracks and crevices, Seph thought he spied something else.
‘Is that snow?’ he asked in hushed wonder.
‘Yes,’ Morag replied. ‘Welcome to Hardangervidda, Seph. So, do you still think we should have met in a cafe in Oslo?’
‘You got me,’ Seph said with a laugh. ‘This is worth the pain, maybe even worth getting kicked out of yet another semiaut. How did you find this place?’
‘It’s not exactly a secret. The road from Bergen to Oslo runs across the southern end, but that’s a good thirty kilometres away. The plateau ties in with some of my research, too. Especially this part of it. Let’s go find a campsite before the light fades.’
Morag set off down the far side of the ridge, heading into the plateau. Rejuvenated by the immense beauty around him, Seph managed to keep pace with her. They spent several minutes walking in silence, too overwhelmed by the magnificence of nature to engage in anything so mundane as speech.
This is an introduction to two characters as well as the broad, underlying themes of the novel. It's so brief, I won't bother to explain anything else, as I'm not looking for critiques of the story itself. Here goes:
Seph pushed his legs to keep moving. He was out of breath, his cheeks were frozen, his feet were sore and he all he could think about was how stupid he’d been to agree to this. On top of his physical torment, half-an-hour ago his interface had pinged a warning that he was moving out of range of any signal, that his personal data system would have to record everything for later upload. That had shocked him. He couldn’t quite comprehend that, in this day and age, there was any place on Earth without a signal. He didn’t think his semiaut would believe it, either, and it definitely wouldn’t be pleased.
Morag’s shout broke through his brooding. Lifting his gaze from the path, he saw her standing atop the ridge ahead, silhouetted against a deep blue sky and waving back at him, urging him on. Her energy and eagerness seemed, in his mind, calculated to annoy him even more. Still, it wasn’t far and, one switchback later, he was nearing the top.
‘Why,’ Seph puffed, ‘oh, why did we have to come here?’
‘Stop complaining and take a look,’ Morag answered as she motioned behind her.
Seph took the final steps up to the ridgeline and half-glanced past her shoulder, not really interested in whatever bird or tree or bee she was enthusing about now.
He stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes went wide as, despite cold, weariness and worry, a smile grew on his face.
Beyond the ridge, a huge expanse of grey stone stretched out to the far horizon. Green moss and purple heather burst from every fold and fracture in the rock, painting it with colour and filling the air with the scent of honey. Scattered across the plateau, pools of bright water shone with a blue so intense they seemed not so much mirrors of the heavens above but, rather, windows into a second sky that lay hidden below.
Over all of this hung a summer sun, holding just above the rim of the world, refusing to set, and washing the land in rich red and gold. On the rocks at Seph’s feet, orange lichen soaked up the light until it burned like coals within the stone. And here and there, secreted in sheltered cracks and crevices, Seph thought he spied something else.
‘Is that snow?’ he asked in hushed wonder.
‘Yes,’ Morag replied. ‘Welcome to Hardangervidda, Seph. So, do you still think we should have met in a cafe in Oslo?’
‘You got me,’ Seph said with a laugh. ‘This is worth the pain, maybe even worth getting kicked out of yet another semiaut. How did you find this place?’
‘It’s not exactly a secret. The road from Bergen to Oslo runs across the southern end, but that’s a good thirty kilometres away. The plateau ties in with some of my research, too. Especially this part of it. Let’s go find a campsite before the light fades.’
Morag set off down the far side of the ridge, heading into the plateau. Rejuvenated by the immense beauty around him, Seph managed to keep pace with her. They spent several minutes walking in silence, too overwhelmed by the magnificence of nature to engage in anything so mundane as speech.