Help with internal monologue

[msstice]

I'm posting a section of a WIP. The piece is, in general, third person close with one POV. Two people are having a conversation, then we slip into the MC's thoughts. I don't want the thoughts in quotes like external dialog. I'd like to drift into first person naturally without jarring the reader. Is this working for you? (The "So many names" you will read is a reference to previous dialog not in this excerpt where Kora references several people.)


"Come on Kora, we had an agreement. I do need to focus a bit now."

"Oh, alright." Kora pulled out a canvas from a storage pouch and started to page
through tutorial materials.

He watched her face in the warm glow of the display. So many names in a short
conversation. You miss them, don't you? The furrows returned to his forehead. I
hope I have done the right thing. We could have stayed on Kirnis. But I would
have gone mad. But out here, we could die.

 

[Edoc'sil]

I think it's quite clear but the "You miss them, don't you?" is a little odd. I assume he's talking to himself but because it's "you" I wasn't sure if he was talking to me at first. Also, because it's immediately followed by the third person description it kinda muddies the idea that it's in his head, maybe put it just after "display".

Then there is a bit of confusion because after that you jump tenses I think "I hope I have done the right thing". Maybe this makes sense because I don't know if he's referring to having literally just left Kirnis (or something that happened in that previous conversation) or that happened a while ago. But in all honesty this could be totally correct usage and I'm just an idiot.

I think if you presented pretty much that whole second paragraph, or just the bits where he's literally talking to himself, in italics. It might help make it clearer.

Hope I was of some use.

 

[Biskit]

I'm with @Edoc'sil on the italics. I would have written it as

He watched her face in the warm glow of the display. So many names in a short
conversation. You miss them, don't you? The furrows returned to his forehead. I
hope I have done the right thing. We could have stayed on Kirnis. But I would
have gone mad. But out here, we could die.

I would also consider

He watched her face in the warm glow of the display. So many names in a short
conversation.

You miss them, don't you? The furrows returned to his forehead. I
hope I have done the right thing. We could have stayed on Kirnis. But I would
have gone mad. But out here, we could die.

 

[Wayne Mack]

As there are two characters, why not do it as dialog instead of internal thought? Dialog may provide more emotional affect than thought and can allow the writer to be selective in what to reveal.

 

[Finch]

You could avoid the problem by writing the story in the first person.

 

[msstice]

As there are two characters, why not do it as dialog instead of internal thought?

Valid idea, but the MC does not wish to reveal these thoughts to Kora.

 

[msstice]

You could avoid the problem by writing the story in the first person.

First person POV has limitations I do not wish to work with in the story. I feel that close third person will be most effective.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Valid idea, but the MC does not wish to reveal these thoughts to Kora.

It might help, then, to show why MC does not wish to reveal his thoughts. Delve more into why they had to move and some of his observations and feelings for Kora. It will sound a little less tell-y about leaving if you show more of the emotion. Go a little deeper emotionally than merely, "But I would have gone mad. But out here, we could die."

 

[CTRandall]

Overall it works for me. I agree with others that 'You miss them, don't you?' stands out. I think @Biskit 's suggestions work well.

It would be nice to see a little more of this. In my own writing, I find myself slipping in and out of a close POV and a more distant POV. A longer excerpt would let us see if you can strike a good balance over a full scene.

 

[Don]

For what it's worth, this excerpt from Healer by Wilson begins with an outer dialog between a pharmacist and a protagonist named Dalt. And it ends with an inner dialog between Dalt and an alien symbiote named Pard, who's fused into Dalt's mind:

"That can't be true!"
"I assure you, sir, it is. Anything in particular you'd like to order?"
"No," Dalt said, turning slowly and walking away. "Nothing, thanks."
This place will take some getting used to, he told Pard as they crossed the street to the park and took a seat on the grass beneath one of the native conifers.
("Yes. Apparently they do not have the usual taboos that most of humanity carried with it from Earth during the splinter-world period.)
I think I like some of those taboos. Some of the stuff in that first shop was positively degrading. And as for making it possible for anybody with a few credits to become a Zem addict...I don't like it.

 

[tinkerdan]

This seems clear on the surface, however it is still where it might be construed at first that you forgot to put quotes on what he is saying.
You could use italics to draw it out, or if he has dialogue after this I think putting that at the end could help clarify that the first part is thoughts.

Something like this.

He watched her face in the warm glow of the display. So many names in a short conversation. You miss them, don't you? The furrows returned to his forehead. I hope I have done the right thing. We could have stayed on Kirnis. But I would have gone mad. But out here, we could die. He said, "We did the right thing. You know that?"

 

[paranoid marvin]

It definitely needs to be distinct from the rest of the text. Bold type or italics is probably a good idea.