Dragon Force

[Wayne Mack]

The following is the introduction for a story that I am considering. Rather than describe what I hope you will understand, I prefer just to provide a minimal cold opening. The feedback I am looking for is whether the opening is enough to build reader interest, whether I have over described or under described characters and plot, are any areas confusing, and how well I did with story writing basics.

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Chapter 1​

Two soldiers led Li Xiu Ying into the room. Embarrassed by her nakedness, she covered herself with her wings. One soldier knelt down to secure her left leg to a wooden post with a hemp rope, then the two hurriedly retreated from the room. She knew she could slay them with a single discharge, but the time was not to be now.

She felt the hunger of her unborn egg; it was crying for its blood meal to begin its growth. So, she stood here for the amusement of her guards, waiting to be fed.

The door opened again and she saw a middle-aged gentleman with an iron collar around his neck as he was pushed into the room. He looked at her as if he could not understand what he was seeing. She imagined her guards outside, stooped before the bookmaker, placing wagers on the outcome that was soon to be.

She shook out her long black hair and raised her brown eyes to meet the gaze of the stranger. His confusion seemed to relax as he looked to her face and he stumbled forward. When he drew near, though, and she at last unfolded her wings, he froze. She swallowed and opened her mouth. Then her whole body convulsed and blast of lightning erupted, seeking the discharge point at the metal neck ring. The man collapsed. Likely stunned, she thought. She had limited her discharge due to the distance. She now strode forward, coming closer, until she stood over him and unleashed a fatal discharge.

Now she would give the jailers what they desired; now give her egg what it desired. She knelt over the dead man, removed the collar from his neck, and opened her mouth, two long fangs now exposed. She bit deeply into his neck, releasing the life giving force that he no longer had need of. She fed and could sense her egg quickening with its blood meal; its survival now certain.

 

[ckatt]

Hi Wayne,
I thanks for your comments on my submission and I'm happy to return the favour.

The fundamentals of the action were pretty clear but I wasn't sure about the motivations of the characters.

The POV character, Li Xiu Ying, cares about her egg. But her motivation in the scene was not clear. If she has the power to escape why is she staying? Couldn’t she get the blood of anyone, even her captors, to feed her growing egg?

The victim here is described as a middle-aged gentleman. What makes him a gentleman? Is he part of the gentry? How can anyone in the room tell? The only other descriptor is the iron collar.

As to your question of whether this opening provides enough reader interest I’m not sure it did for me. There wasn't enough tension, and I wasn't sure who the feel for in the scene.

I’ll do my best to point out specifically where I wasn’t on board.

The first few lines made me feel for her because she was being led into the room by soldiers and she was tied to a wooden post but then I'm told that she's not afraid at all because she could kill them at any time. That drained any tension on her front. The soldiers don't really have enough character for me to care about them so that just leaves the middle-aged man. But I don't know anything about him. He's not the focus and I just assumed he's going to die. So what I saw is a scene with a powerful character pretending to be weak so she can kill a man I know nothing about to save her egg. I can understand why she would want to do that but I don't know that this man deserves to die so I'm not really on her side. How dire is the egg situation? If she didn’t eat this guy would it be dead in the morning?


The line Now she would give the jailers what they desired made me think that the middle-aged gentleman was a criminal and they were using her as a form of execution. I don't know that for sure. Some other details made me think otherwise. What is the purpose of the hemp rope? If the soldiers know what she is capable of, and that's why they're using her to execute this guy, then why do they think that the hemp rope is going to restrain her? But then the part about the best made me think they don’t really know what she is.

The fact that Li Xiu Ying was naked made me think that she was humanoid at first but then we got to the part about the wings and the Egg and that made me think bird-like or angelic. Of course, looking at the title I conclude it must be dragon wings. But I don't think a few details would hurt. Adding adjectives may be scaly wings or leathery wings would clear that up.

I think maybe you're expecting the character’s name to do a lot of heavy lifting. (English text with a Chinese name) I don't know your background but I am a Westerner and this seems to have some Western fantasy tropes. So I'm not sure if she comes from an Eastern culture into this place or if all of the people in the room are Chinese. Since it's written in English (I can speak Chinese but need a dictionary to help me when I’m reading) I lean towards a European setting.

I'm going to assume that by blood meal you mean a meal of blood, but blood meal is a kind of fertilizer and that was the first thing I thought about when I read that. If others see the same thing you might consider rewording. But it could be just me.

seeking the discharge point at the metal neck ring I felt something was off here. A discharge point should be where the electricity is coming from not going to. Electricity always wants to ground out so you might call it a ground point or grounding point.

Well, I hope my feedback helps you in your revision and gets this to a place that you are happy with. Ignore anything I've said that seems off the mark or has misinterpreted your intention.

Cheers. And thanks for sharing your draft.

 

[msstice]

Two soldiers led Li Xiu Ying into the room. Embarrassed by her nakedness, she covered herself with her wings. One soldier knelt down to secure her left leg to a wooden post with a hemp rope, then the two hurriedly retreated from the room. She knew she could slay them with a single discharge, but the time was not to be now.

She felt the hunger of her unborn egg (Odd for me. Eggs are laid, children are born.); it was crying for its blood meal to begin its growth. So, she stood here for the amusement of her guards, waiting to be fed.

The door opened again and she saw a middle-aged gentleman with an iron collar around his neck as he was pushed into the room. He looked at her as if he could not understand what he was seeing. She imagined her guards outside, stooped before the bookmaker, placing wagers on the outcome that was soon to be.

She shook out her long black hair and raised her brown eyes to meet the gaze of the stranger. His confusion seemed to relax as he looked to her face and he stumbled forward. When he drew near, though, and she at last unfolded her wings, he froze. She swallowed and opened her mouth (garden path sentence). Then her whole body convulsed and >a< blast of lightning erupted, seeking the discharge point at the metal neck ring. The man collapsed. Likely stunned, she thought. She had limited her discharge due to the distance (or did the distance limit the discharge?). She now strode forward, coming closer (redundant?), until she stood over him and unleashed a fatal discharge.

Now (Second now in quick succession from prev para) she would give the jailers what they desired; now give her egg what it desired. She knelt over the dead man, removed the collar from his neck, and opened her mouth, two long fangs now exposed. She bit deeply into his neck, releasing the life giving force that he no longer had need of. She fed and could sense her egg quickening with its blood meal; its survival now certain.

It is powerful, not my genre type but a great opening.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Thanks for the comments. The goals I had for this chapter were:

1) Introduce the characteristics of a dragon race.
2) Show a reason why the dragons are not visible in the world at large (in Asia, they are held captive).

The dragon characteristics that I hoped to convey were: human form with bat-like wings in lieu of arms, human-level intelligence, need for blood as part of reproductive cycle, ability to generate electric shock (in lieu of breathing fire).

The fact that Li Xiu Ying was naked made me think that she was humanoid at first but then we got to the part about the wings and the Egg and that made me think bird-like or angelic. Of course, looking at the title I conclude it must be dragon wings. But I don't think a few details would hurt. Adding adjectives may be scaly wings or leathery wings would clear that up.

I may try moving the line where the prisoner sees her into the intro paragraph to indicate a somewhat human form with wings. I am trying to avoid giving the reader a biology lesson and leave as much to the reader's imagination as possible.

The first few lines made me feel for her because she was being led into the room by soldiers and she was tied to a wooden post but then I'm told that she's not afraid at all because she could kill them at any time. That drained any tension on her front.

My intent was to Li Xiu Ying a somewhat sympathetic character who is being held in captivity. I will if I can make the captivity part more obvious, but allow the details to unfold in later sections.

She had limited her discharge due to the distance (or did the distance limit the discharge?).

The dragons can control the strength of the discharge similar to an electric eel. Maybe I will provide I little bit of hint that this preserves energy. I want to have some sort of restriction on the range. As written, I have it described as a directional bolt, but I am considering making it a multi-directional wave. Seems more plausible and also provides an interesting battle formation constraint.

I'm going to assume that by blood meal you mean a meal of blood, but blood meal is a kind of fertilizer and that was the first thing I thought about when I read that. If others see the same thing you might consider rewording. But it could be just me.

Blood meal is term that comes from the reproductive cycle of a mosquito.

She felt the hunger of her unborn egg (Odd for me. Eggs are laid, children are born.);

I may have to look for some synonyms. I want to convey mammal as opposed to reptile. Biologically, egg is a correct term for cells prior to quickening, but the connotation, especially for dragon stories, is that eggs are shelled things where the child develops outside the mother's body. As I said earlier, I am trying to avoid dumping a biology lesson on the reader.

Since it's written in English (I can speak Chinese but need a dictionary to help me when I’m reading) I lean towards a European setting.

The intent is an Asian setting. I was trying to avoid getting into too much world description in the opening. Perhaps I can give a little more description of either the guards or the sacrifice.

seeking the discharge point at the metal neck ring I felt something was off here. A discharge point should be where the electricity is coming from not going to. Electricity always wants to ground out so you might call it a ground point or grounding point.

Good catch. I'll reword. Aside, the use of a wooden post and a hemp rope were intentional avoidance of metal objects binding the dragon.

I'll continue reviewing comments and try to give a better sense of tension from the dragon's viewpoint, but allow for many of the details to come out in later chapters.

 

[msstice]

The dragon characteristics

This is one point where I have confusion. I know you wrote dragon in the title, but through the entire piece I kept thinking vampire.

 

[Wayne Mack]

This is one point where I have confusion. I know you wrote dragon in the title, but through the entire piece I kept thinking vampire.

I see the dragons as explaining the legend of vampires as well as covering gargoyles in Europe, Asian dragons, and Quetzalcoatl in Mayan legends. They are winged creatures with a somewhat parasitic relationship with humans. I had hoped to create a dragon to write about that was not either essentially a giant puppy dog or some sort of wizened monk.

 

[OHB]

Chapter 1

Two soldiers led Li Xiu Ying into the room. Embarrassed by her nakedness, she covered herself with her wings. (From the title, I would assume that she's a dragon. But if I were reading this without that context, I'd think she was a woman with feathered wings. According to your post, she has bat-like wings, but nothing indicates that in the story.) One soldier knelt down to secure her left leg to a wooden post with a hemp rope, then the two hurriedly retreated from the room. She knew she could slay them with a single discharge (Again, from the title, I would assume this meant she can breathe fire and looks like a European dragon, not that she is a humanoid woman who breathes lightning. There are also some ethnic issues I'll expound on later.), but the time was not to be now (Awkward wording. How about "but now was not the time"?).

She felt the hunger of her unborn egg; it was crying cried for its blood meal to begin its growth. (Biological issue here. You mentioned in a post that she's a mammal, so is this an unfertilized egg or a fetus?) So, she stood here for the amusement of her guards, waiting to be fed.

The door opened again and she saw a middle-aged gentleman with an iron collar around his neck as he was pushed (Avoid passive voice. Who pushed him?) into the room. He looked at her as if he could not understand what he was seeing. She imagined her guards outside, stooped before the bookmaker, placing wagers on the outcome that was soon to be.

She shook out her long black hair and raised her brown eyes to meet the gaze of the stranger. His confusion seemed to relax as he looked to her face and he stumbled forward. When he drew near, though, and she at last unfolded her wings, he froze. (Awkward sentence, and I think it's because it's trying to describe too many things at once.) She swallowed and opened her mouth. Then her whole body convulsed and a blast of lightning erupted, seeking the discharge point at the metal neck ring. (Awkward wording. You can just say it struck the iron collar around his neck.) The man collapsed. Likely stunned, she thought. (The story's in her POV, so we already know she's the one thinking this.) She had limited her discharge due to the distance. She now strode forward, coming closer (This seems to shift the POV to the man.), until she stood over him and unleashed a fatal discharge.

Now she would give the jailers what they desired; now give her egg what it desired. (Awkward wording. Maybe try "Now she would give the jailers and her egg what they both desired"?) She knelt over the dead man, removed the collar from his neck, and opened her mouth, two long fangs now exposed. (You're losing the POV again. She can't see this.) She bit deeply into his neck, releasing the life giving force that he no longer had need of needed. She fed and could sense her egg quickening (I'm not sure what this means.) with its blood meal; its survival now certain.

My comments and suggestions are in the quote above. What I can't tell from the story is what Li Xiu Ying looks like and what kind of dragon she is. Her name had me thinking of a Chinese dragon at first. But she has wings, breathes lightning, and consumes humans--all of which are reminiscent of European dragons, not Chinese dragons. Then I read your post about a humanoid woman with bat-like wings. That wasn't what I was picturing at all, but it raises a new issue. I don't know if you've heard the term "Dragon Lady," but it's a stereotype used against Asian women. I think you need to tread lightly when portraying an Asian woman as an actual humanoid dragon. I'd recommend getting an East Asian beta reader.

Also, there's this:

I see the dragons as explaining the legend of vampires as well as covering gargoyles in Europe, Asian dragons, and Quetzalcoatl in Mayan legends. They are winged creatures with a somewhat parasitic relationship with humans.

In Asia, dragons are typically viewed as helpful, spiritual creatures and are closely tied to local religions. Likewise, Quetzalcoatl is a god (Aztec, not Mayan). If you're planning on portraying people's gods and spiritual beings as parasitic, this story is going to be problematic. I would highly recommend steering clear of people's religions or, at the very least, seeking out beta readers/consultants from those religions.

I hope that helps!

 

[tinkerdan]

This is an interesting piece.
It feels like a draft.
There's some unnecessary extra words and misplaced clauses that make it difficult to read.

She felt the hunger of her unborn egg; it was crying for its blood meal to begin its growth. So, she stood here for the amusement of her guards, waiting to be fed.

Find things like this and fix where you use filtering(felt)unnecessary over use of pronouns.
The hunger of her unborn egg was crying for its blood meal to begin its growth.

And misplaced clauses.
So, for the amusement of her guards, she stood waiting to be fed.

Going through a cleaning things like this will tighten your work and make it easier to read.

Otherwise there are good things here.
Keep writing.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Thanks for the feedback so far. I have a higher level plotting question, though, before I do too much rewrite of the scene.

Does the opening seem to indicate a dark, perhaps horror tinged story to follow? (That is not my intent for the story)

Although I feel like the current opening seems to grab the reader, I wonder if it sets false expectations of what will come. Would you expect or accept an adventurous type story with some political overtones to follow from the current intro?

 

[tinkerdan]

It starts with an almost comedic beginning and becomes something, I'm not sure I'd call it dark or horror tinged. It is interesting enough to continue. Not much sympathy for a dragon like character who passes up the abusive soldier and eats the helpless prisoner.

This is a Kill the Cat beginning.

What makes the prisoner's blood better than the soldiers?

 

[HareBrain]

I think it would pull me in enough to carry on reading. The facts are interesting but the narrative feels quite distanced and emotionless, and (apart from her embarrassment) so does the character. This may or may not be a problem for a reader depending on story length etc.

You also have a few filter words, which add to the sense of distance:

She knew she could slay them with a single discharge

Could be, "She could have slain them"

She felt the hunger of her unborn egg

Could be, "Her unborn egg hungered"

Does the opening seem to indicate a dark, perhaps horror tinged story to follow? (That is not my intent for the story)

It doesn't dwell on the horror aspects of the feeding, but the suggestion of vampire at the end might tip it towards that.

 

[CTRandall]

Does the opening seem to indicate a dark, perhaps horror tinged story to follow?

I'd say it's too early to tell. What you've written so far feels, as @tinkerdan said, like a draft. It needs a little more flesh on its bones. A focus on the victim's fear and pain could tip it in the direction of horror. A stronger focus on Li Xiu Ying's maternal instincts could push it towards fantasy adventure. We only have a little information about the guards' motivations or attitudes (just their betting), so there is room to use them to push the story in different directions as well.

 

[msstice]

Thanks for the feedback so far. I have a higher level plotting question, though, before I do too much rewrite of the scene.

Does the opening seem to indicate a dark, perhaps horror tinged story to follow? (That is not my intent for the story)

Although I feel like the current opening seems to grab the reader, I wonder if it sets false expectations of what will come. Would you expect or accept an adventurous type story with some political overtones to follow from the current intro?

Yes, I was expecting this to be a vampire horror.

 

[thisreidwrites]

Two soldiers led Li Xiu Ying into the room. Embarrassed by her nakedness, she covered herself with her wings.

You already have my attention for two reasons: An actual non-white name, and then the surprise of wings.

She knew she could slay them with a single discharge, but the time was not to be now.

Very interesting! So she is allowing them to keep her captive. An unexpected power dynamic! Though, FYI, "discharge" has so many moderately gross medical meanings that unless you actually mean she's going to ooze proactively at them, I might suggest a different word.

She felt the hunger of her unborn egg; it was crying for its blood meal to begin its growth.

Whoa. Now we're entering world-building territory I definitely do not know. Yum.

Finished! Okay, this is quite wild; an electric vampire angel is definitely not something I've encountered before.

I'm still not comfortable with "discharge," though I know that's technically the right term. Here is my suggestion: find another word that would exist among HER people, not necessarily the way humans would use it, and apply that to her power. Her people likely have words for everything unique to them, so it would only make sense she has a term for it.

I am definitely interested, so I'd say it did its job. I'm so curious why she's allowing them to use her as an executioner, and why they'd bother with such a strangely showy process - unless they think they're taking her egg, of course. Oh, my!