Prolog for Tayanna the Healer

[Lafayette]

I know that most of you aren't crazy about prologs, but I feel that this one is necessary for it establishes the theme and give an idea of who some of the character are and why they're important.

Tayanna the Healer Prolog​

“Tayanna, oh Tayanna,” rang out a joyful baritone. “Your brother, Eric, is here.”

“Oh, wonderful, wonderful,” laughed Tayanna as she crashed into her brother.

Luckily, Eric was a mass of muscle and was used to his little sister’s charges of enthusiasm.

Returning her bear hug for a gentler hug, he kissed on the forehead. “So, how is my little sister doing?”

“Oh, fine Eric, just fine. Father said you were coming, but didn’t say why.”

“Oh, come now. Do you think I would forget your sixteenth birthday? A girl’s sixteenth birthday is a very special event, meaning she’s becoming a woman. You celebrated when I was knighted so Father and Angelica and I are celebrating your womanhood.”

Tayanna’s chocolate brown eyes sparkled. “And, how are you going to celebrate my birthday?”

“By giving you this,” said Eric as he pulled a silver necklace from his tunic.

“Oh, it is beautiful,” squealed Tayanna. “What is this gorgeous blue stone? I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“It’s a blue sapphire. It is said that it has healing properties and gives clarity of thought.”

“That must have cost a fortune,” said Angelica, Tayanna’s older sister. “Where did you get it?”

“It was given to me by the Duke of Norham,” said Eric.

“Given? Not earned?” said Angelica with incredulity.

Tayanna’s father laughed. “Oh, yes it was earned. Your brother is being modest. The good duke was set upon by ten or more Drunods and would have surely died if Eric hadn’t pulled his sword and slew a good number of them.” The father laughed again, “I know this for I have reliable spies.”

Eric turned toward his father, “The duke didn’t need to reward me for it’s a knight’s duty to succor others in peril. I consider it a gift of friendship.”

Eric’s father patted him on the shoulder, “You’re a good man, my son. You always bring glory to our family.

Eric grinned and turned to Tayanna. “I remember when you were a little girl that you always gave your dolls and pets names. Are you going to give your necklace a name?”

Tayanna paused with seriousness and then smiled, “Yes, I am. I’m going to call it glory.”

 

[Jo Zebedee]

There’s an awful lot of info dumping in there disguised as dialogue which affects the flow eg

‘ A girl’s sixteenth birthday is a very special event, meaning she’s becoming a woman.’

presumably they both know all this - is it really what he would say and how? So formally?

as to it being a prologue - it’s not us who hate them but publishers and agents. As to whether this is needed - if anything it feels like a spoiler. Presumably this necklace will show up again and now we know what it is - not knowing could be more suspenseful?

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think you need to take on board feedback from the other pieces you've posted recently and take those on board - the same criticisms apply here.

 

[Lafayette]

There’s an awful lot of info dumping in there disguised as dialogue which affects the flow eg

‘ A girl’s sixteenth birthday is a very special event, meaning she’s becoming a woman.’

presumably they both know all this - is it really what he would say and how? So formally?

as to it being a prologue - it’s not us who hate them but publishers and agents. As to whether this is needed - if anything it feels like a spoiler. Presumably this necklace will show up again and now we know what it is - not knowing could be more suspenseful?

First off, I will take Brian's advice and go back again and study all the critiques I've received.

However, I feel compelled to give you all an explanation of my prolog and to give you all an idea of what I'm trying to do and where I'm going.

Lately, I've been thinking and researching themes and the concept of glory. In my research I came across a video on youtube by K.M. Weiland and one of the suggestions she gave was to use a symbol in stories.

One of the definitions of glory was majestic beauty. Hence the sapphire necklace. What could be more beautiful?

One of the other concepts I came up with is that glory is the giving of oneself for others or a noble cause. Eric risked his life to save the life of the Duke of Norham thus unconsciously bringing glory to the family which was stated by his father.

Tayanna sees and understand all of this and so she agrees with her father. The necklace reminds Tayanna of her brother Eric and this in turn reminds her what Eric stood for and represents namely: the giving of oneself unselfishly for others thus gaining glory.

In the story that follows, Tayanna (even though she likes her patients) feels that being a mage healer isn't enough to gain glory. Tayanna doesn't necessarily desire glory for herself, but for her family. Her dissatisfaction in this endeavor is compounded by the fact that she knows she's above average and that Emerald Valley is stifling her potential.

To obtain this glory she practices warrior magic which is death threatening for her because she has the disease Weldon's Woe which she is in denial of.

I hope this helps and again thank you.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is going to be the first thing that the reader sees outside of any back material--blurb.
It will act as a key how well you write.

In this instance you have mostly dialogue.
That means that the dialogue has to work extra hard to help bring out what the characters feel.
To show what the characters are all about.
I think this falls short of that because it is a lot to ask to put some of the basic motivation and such into dialogue.
I don't think it's the info dump that's a problem, it's more the lack of involvement of the characters.
The most telling moment is when she say, “Yes, I am. I’m going to call it glory.”
And that falls flat because it's at odds with other dialogue.
She questions his having been given this without having earned it and though it is revealed that he did earn it, that doesn't quite help explain why it's okay that it is given to her and she still thinks of that as glory--if in fact glory is something earned.

But maybe I misinterpret how glory is depicted here.

None the less she should say this with a disappointed look because she knows she hasn't earned it.

 

[Lafayette]

This is going to be the first thing that the reader sees outside of any back material--blurb.
It will act as a key how well you write.

In this instance you have mostly dialogue.
That means that the dialogue has to work extra hard to help bring out what the characters feel.
To show what the characters are all about.
I think this falls short of that because it is a lot to ask to put some of the basic motivation and such into dialogue.
I don't think it's the info dump that's a problem, it's more the lack of involvement of the characters.
The most telling moment is when she say, “Yes, I am. I’m going to call it glory.”
And that falls flat because it's at odds with other dialogue.
She questions his having been given this without having earned it and though it is revealed that he did earn it, that doesn't quite help explain why it's okay that it is given to her and she still thinks of that as glory--if in fact glory is something earned.

But maybe I misinterpret how glory is depicted here.

None the less she should say this with a disappointed look because she knows she hasn't earned it.

It wasn't Tayanna questioning why the necklace was given, but her sister Angelica. Please read it again.

Regardless, I will study your comments.

 

[Wayne Mack]

Tayanna sees and understand all of this [about glory]

Unfortunately, I did not parse this intent from the text. From the commentary around the various pieces of this story you have posted, I feel that Tayanna has a personal and deeply held view of glory. In the posted story text, however, I see avoidance of entering Tayanna's thoughts to allow the reader to understand her motivations. I suggest trying a backstory exercise.

For me, it is helpful to write a short backstory (usually comes out in the range of about 1000 words) that provides a defining moment for a character. This doesn't get included in the main story and may not even be referenced, but for me, as a writer, it provides an image that provides consistency of purpose for the character's actions.

Try this. Write the story of the celebration of Eric's return. Maybe it is set inside the father's house, or a parade for all the returning soldiers, or an evening of tales told in a tavern. Do not have Tayanna engage in any dialog. Alternate objective descriptions of the celebration with Tayanna's internal thoughts interpreting and misinterpreting what she observes.

I find that if I do not have a firm picture of a character inside my head, then I have difficulty conveying the character for the reader. Perhaps try the backstory approach. This might also help you determine how much of the story should be internally focused versus externally focused. Just a thought.

 

[tinkerdan]

Ah well in that case I hope the story is about Angelica; as she sounds like the one with a bit more ;incite.

 

[Toby Frost]

This isn't meant to sound facetious, but have you considered making the story about something other than glory? The meaning of glory seems to have been debated so much that I wonder if it would be simpler to use a less vague concept that the reader can be relied upon to "get" immediately.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It wasn't Tayanna questioning why the necklace was given, but her sister Angelica. Please read it again.

Regardless, I will study your comments.

First thought - don't ask the critter to go back and reread. Instead, try to work out why they didn't pick this up. A few possible reasons: they lost attention - therefore, what caused them to lose attention? There was too much information and names and it was difficult to keep up - ask if the information is easy to follow. This is why arguing with critiques doesn't help anyone, yourself or the critter, because there are lots of reasons why things might, or might not, work for them.

As to the whole glory thing - I think you're too busy focusing on that, and the big theme. Tell the story. That's what we read for: the story, the characters, the world. We don't read for themes. Themes aren't engaging. If you're lucky, we'll get to the end and reflect on the theme you hope we will. Normally, though, I find the reader finds their own theme and my own don't emerge as I hope they will and that's because any piece of work belongs to the reader as well as the writer - and they will apply their own meaning.

 

[Lafayette]

First thought - don't ask the critter to go back and reread. Instead, try to work out why they didn't pick this up. A few possible reasons: they lost attention - therefore, what caused them to lose attention? There was too much information and names and it was difficult to keep up - ask if the information is easy to follow. This is why arguing with critiques doesn't help anyone, yourself or the critter, because there are lots of reasons why things might, or might not, work for them.

Duly noted. I wasn't trying to be argumentive.

As to the whole glory thing - I think you're too busy focusing on that, and the big theme.

Perhaps, you're right.

Tell the story. That's what we read for: the story, the characters, the world. We don't read for themes.

 

[Lafayette]

Ah well in that case I hope the story is about Angelica; as she sounds like the one with a bit more ;incite.

No, Angelica is only a minor character.

 

[Lafayette]

This isn't meant to sound facetious, but have you considered making the story about something other than glory? I wonder if it would be simpler to use a less vague concept that the reader can be relied upon to "get" immediately.

It's been a passing thought, Currently, I have an idea, but I don't what know what to with it.

 

[thisreidwrites]

Hi there! I don't even think this is a prologue; it's just part of a chapter. There's no reason to use the scary "p" word and scare folks off.

My main question to help you refine it further is this: what is the purpose of this prologue? Are you just introducing characters? If you can figure out why it needs to be here, I bet that will help you clarify what needs to be in this section! For example, if we're trying to get to know Tayanna, then we need to be inside her head. Her thoughts, her feelings, her reactions - specific and personal, rather than just as if seen from a distance. Does that help? I hope so!

I like her family. Her father made me laugh with his "spies" line, too! That was a good one. Keep writing!

 

[Lafayette]

Again, thank you for your comments and questions.

Hi there! I don't even think this is a prologue; it's just part of a chapter. There's no reason to use the scary "p" word and scare folks off.

That's kind of sneaky, but you do have a point the "p" word is "I donna wanah hear it".

My main question to help you refine it further is this: what is the purpose of this prologue?

I was under the impression that I needed to establish the theme in the beginning of the story. My theme was (or may be) is glory. I was told that the concept was too vague and had too many meanings. I was trying to define it by showing the reader that Tayanna viewed her brother, Eric as a man of glory in that he unthinkingly risked his life to save the Duke Norham. The necklace Eric gave to her reminded her of Eric and of glory which is why she names the necklace "glory". Tayanna loves and admires Eric and her father and wants too be like them. However, she feels frustrated in this aspiration because of her failure of becoming a warrior mage due to her disease: Weldon's Woe. Even though, she likes people and helping them she doesn't believe being a mage healer has the same potential.

Are you just introducing characters?

No.

For example, if we're trying to get to know Tayanna, then we need to be inside her head. Her thoughts, her feelings, her reaction - specific and personal, rather than just as if seen from a distance.

I thought I was displaying her thoughts, feelings, and reactions by having her speak and hugging her brother. Can you tell me how I failed in this endeavor?

Does that help? I hope so!

I like her family.

Glad to hear it.

Her father made me laugh with his "spies" line, too! That was a good one.

I'm glad you got a chuckle out of it. I like putting humor in my stories.

Keep writing!

I will. Even though it's hard I still enjoy it.

 

[thisreidwrites]

I thought I was displaying her thoughts, feelings, and reactions by having her speak and hugging her brother. Can you tell me how I failed in this endeavor?

I can try! Let me give you an example.

“Oh, wonderful, wonderful,” laughed Tayanna as she crashed into her brother. That gives me about an inch of depth; it's not enough because we can't see her face, we don't know her, and we have idea who she really is. A teenager greeting a sibling is so common that a million different things could be ascribed to it. However, if you added something like:

Now everything would be better again! The world seemed duller without Eric around, as if he took its color with him when he was gone. No matter what she did, if he was gone, she never felt complete.

That's not a lot, but it's enough to give us more a sense that she values his fun and humor, that she's bored without him - which says a lot about her inability to entertain herself. Or even something like this:

Finally, she'd be able to sleep without waking in fear, jumping at every noise in the night. Eric had a sixth sense when it came to defending against the demons; after what happened to mom, Tayanna couldn't sleep well without him home. Someday, she knew, she'd have to forever - but hopefully, that day was far away from now.

This says she's actually afraid, and has to work on conquering her fears throughout the book. Or how about this:

Finally, finally, he was home! She resisted the urge to smack him, but only because she knew he had to stay away. She'd never forgive them, those military men, for pulling Eric away from their home. It wasn't right; families shouldn't be broken up, not like this. At least for now, her anger could subside. While he was here, the world seemed right again.

There's anger there, possessiveness, jealousy, etc.

See, these are all parts of what make characters who they are. Simply say she shouted and jumped at him isn't enough. We don't know why; we don't know how her emotions are besides vaguely positive. We don't know what she thinks or values.

Final example: "I'm going to call it glory."

Okay. What was her face doing? Was she standing with her chin up, visibly full of pride? Was she eager, almost like with avarice? Was she so determined that her seriousness belied her age?

I REALLY hope this helps (and I know all three of these are probably way off, but I'm trying to give you samples). You have absolutely got this! I know you already know your character. It's just that pesky "author-brain" thing (which I suffer from in droves), getting what YOU know into the readers' head. Keep writing!