Tense nightmare

[therapist]

I'm not good with tenses. This passage i'm writing confused me, was hoping someone could help. It is written in third person, past tense, and this scene is about Zane remembering his running races from childhood. I was constantly unsure of when to use past-perfect or past tense.


He wasn’t one to dwell upon the races he didn’t win, but there was a time when he had struggled. He began recalling races where his stamina had given out, where he had been too exhausted to keep up with the front runners. He remembered how he kept running, kept trying, yet his efforts never got him to the top of the podium. He remembered feeling worthless, pathetic, like life was pointless if he couldn’t win. He remembered feelings of rage and fury so vivid he began to tremble and clench his hands into white knuckled fists until his nails drew blood from his palms.
Then there was that one race.


In the penultimate sentence he is trembling in the actual scene, not the memory. Not sure if that is clear or the whole thing is a confusing, clunky nightmare. Any suggestions/comments appreciated.

 

[HareBrain]

To be honest, I think the meaning is clear as it is (except maybe the last sentence). Strictly, some of the tenses should be changed from past to past-perfect, but that might it sound clunky. It depends if you're aiming for a correct, formal voice, or one more colloquial and readable (in which case I'd replace some of the "he had" with "he'd").

This I think is the strict correct version, but there's one occurrence I'm not wholly sure about:

He wasn’t one to dwell upon the races he hadn't won, but there had been a time when he had struggled. He began recalling races where his stamina had given out, where he had been too exhausted to keep up with the front runners. He remembered how he had kept running, had kept trying, yet his efforts had never got him to the top of the podium. He remembered feeling worthless, pathetic, like life had been pointless if he couldn’t win (I'm not sure what the correct version of the verb here is, but you could say "without victory"). He remembered feelings of rage and fury so vivid he began to tremble and clench his hands into white knuckled fists until his nails drew blood from his palms.

Then there had been that one race.

For the last sentence to be clearer, you could put "so vividly", or "His remembered feelings of rage and fury were so vivid..."

Note that for memory descriptions or flashbacks this long, it is usual to have the first couple of sentences in past-perfect, and then revert to past tense for the bulk of it, then a couple of past-perfect at the end to bring the reader back.

 

[paranoid marvin]

To be honest, I think the meaning is clear as it is (except maybe the last sentence). Strictly, some of the tenses should be changed from past to past-perfect, but that might it sound clunky. It depends if you're aiming for a correct, formal voice, or one more colloquial and readable (in which case I'd replace some of the "he had" with "he'd").

This I think is the strict correct version, but there's one occurrence I'm not wholly sure about:

He wasn’t one to dwell upon the races he hadn't won, but there had been a time when he had struggled. He began recalling races where his stamina had given out, where he had been too exhausted to keep up with the front runners. He remembered how he had kept running, had kept trying, yet his efforts had never got him to the top of the podium. He remembered feeling worthless, pathetic, like life had been pointless if he couldn’t win (I'm not sure what the correct version of the verb here is, but you could say "without victory"). He remembered feelings of rage and fury so vivid he began to tremble and clench his hands into white knuckled fists until his nails drew blood from his palms.

Then there had been that one race.

For the last sentence to be clearer, you could put "so vividly", or "His remembered feelings of rage and fury were so vivid..."

Note that for memory descriptions or flashbacks this long, it is usual to have the first couple of sentences in past-perfect, and then revert to past tense for the bulk of it, then a couple of past-perfect at the end to bring the reader back.

I agree with most of HareBrain's alterations. I also agree that the original version was understandable, but perhaps not grammatically correct. From a reader point of view, it's far more important to be understandable than it is to take grammatical liberties.

However, I would say that the final sentence could be altered to bring it into the present tense.

He remembered the feelings of rage and fury so vividly that he began to tremble and clench his hands into white knuckled fists, until his nails drew blood from his palms.



I would also suggest replacing either either 'rage' or 'fury' with a different emotion, as you are essentially describing the same thing. Judging by the rest of the paragraph, how about 'anger and bitterness'?

 

[therapist]

Thanks a lot for the comments. I'm not feeling so over whelmed by it now. I didn't consider that it could be both grammatically incorrect and still read well.

Changing 'vivid' to 'vividly' is perfect for bringing it back to the present. Nice catch. I am slightly annoyed I didn't think of that.

And I agree with the rage and fury sameness. Laziness on my part, I originally had just 'rage' but liked the rhythm of adding another.

 

[reddishbird]

I'm not good with tenses. This passage i'm writing confused me, was hoping someone could help. It is written in third person, past tense, and this scene is about Zane remembering his running races from childhood. I was constantly unsure of when to use past-perfect or past tense.


He wasn’t one to dwell upon the races he didn’t win, but there was a time when he had struggled. He began recalling races where his stamina had given out, where he had been too exhausted to keep up with the front runners. He remembered how he kept running, kept trying, yet his efforts never got him to the top of the podium. He remembered feeling worthless, pathetic, like life was pointless if he couldn’t win. He remembered feelings of rage and fury so vivid he began to tremble and clench his hands into white knuckled fists until his nails drew blood from his palms.
Then there was that one race.


In the penultimate sentence he is trembling in the actual scene, not the memory. Not sure if that is clear or the whole thing is a confusing, clunky nightmare. Any suggestions/comments appreciated.

I think it reads well, which is really what you want?

 

[Ursa major]

I think you've got your answer on the tenses, but you've had an attack of the veil words (albeit a special case of them).

Usually, veil words are words that interpose themselves between what is happening and the reader, such as (to use a simple example), "He saw Arthur pulling the sword from the stone" as opposed to, "Arthur pulled the sword from the stone".

In this case, the veil words are rather less obvious: remembered and recalled. There's really no need for them to be there. For example:

He wasn’t one to dwell upon the races he’d lost, but there was a time when he’d struggled, and races where his stamina had given out, where he’d been too exhausted to keep up with the front runners. He’d always kept running, kept trying, yet his efforts had never got him to the top of the podium. He’d felt worthless and pathetic, as if life was pointless if he couldn’t win. He’d been consumed by rage and fury so vivid he’d trembled and clenched his hands into white-knuckled fists until his nails had drawn blood from his palms.

 

[tinkerdan]

It reads well to me.
However I agree with @Ursa major in that there are some unnecessary words in there that could be clipped out.