Critique of an Anonymous Challenge entry

[paranoid marvin]

Like JS Wiig, I would be grateful for any comments on one of my entries for the anonymous challenge. I assume it met the genre as it was (very) alternate history, and I think it met the theme as it was about a secret plan; or did it?

Thankyou in advance.

Loco Commotion

Napoleon had a secret plan
To help his empire grow
He'd take his Guard by Eurostar
And circumvent his foes

"Ten thousand seats for me and t'lads
And make them all first class
I'm due in Bruges by half past two
We've heard your train's right fast"

Whilst French all rode in luxury
The Iron Duke just shrugged
Of L'Empereur's troops there was no sign
He knew he'd been humbugged

That was 'til Eurostar came past
And Boney lost his crown
For just outside of Waterloo
His bloomin' train broke down

 

[JS Wiig]

@paranoid marvin a strong entry!

I definitely enjoyed the piece and it made my top 5. The only reason it missed my vote is that I personally don’t get as excited about the particular time period/characters/event as I do about the two entries I ended up voting for.

In other words: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

 

[robertheerlein]

I think it's incredible. You managed to tell the entire story in 16 well-thought-out lines. I, for one, love alternative history and Napolean has always been a favorite. Wondering what he would be like in a futuristic setting. I think you hit the mark you were aiming for very nicely.

 

[Wayne Mack]

It is probably due to my lack of knowledge of history, but the third and fourth stanzas lost me with the introduction of new characters. I did not know who the Iron Duke was nor who Boney was. This left me confused as to what was happening. Especially with short fiction, it is always a challenge to know what sort of common knowledge to assume and what needs to be explicitly explained.

 

[paranoid marvin]

@paranoid marvin a strong entry!

I definitely enjoyed the piece and it made my top 5. The only reason it missed my vote is that I personally don’t get as excited about the particular time period/characters/event as I do about the two entries I ended up voting for.

In other words: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Thankyou for your great comments. Yes, a historical entry would depend to some extent on the reader enjoying that subject.

 

[paranoid marvin]

I think it's incredible. You managed to tell the entire story in 16 well-thought-out lines. I, for one, love alternative history and Napolean has always been a favorite. Wondering what he would be like in a futuristic setting. I think you hit the mark you were aiming for very nicely.

Thankyou, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the positive feedback.

 

[paranoid marvin]

It is probably due to my lack of knowledge of history, but the third and fourth stanzas lost me with the introduction of new characters. I did not know who the Iron Duke was nor who Boney was. This left me confused as to what was happening. Especially with short fiction, it is always a challenge to know what sort of common knowledge to assume and what needs to be explicitly explained.

Thankyou for that. It is good to be reminded that this is an international forum, and not everyone has a deep knowledge of European history.

To put it into context, 'Boney' was one of the kinder names given to Napoleon by the British, and his 'Guard' were his elite troops that got preferential treatment. The 'Iron Duke' was a nickname given to Wellington, one of the Allied commanders tasked with defeating him. Napoleon, attempting to invade Belgium, outmanoeuvred Wellington, who declared that he'd been 'humbugged'. Eventually he was stopped and defeated at Waterloo. Napoleon had (supposedly) considered invading Britain by digging a tunnel, which is where my idea for the Eurostar comes in, and Waterloo was also the train station that the Eurostar used to set off from.

But not knowing this, or only knowing some of it, would definitely confuse the reader as to what was going on.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Poetry never gets a look in as far as I'm concered - sorry all you poets.

Maybe there should be a poets version.

However, as I read it we have Old Boney getting on the wrong train - the direct line from Paris doesn't go through Waterloo or Bruges. Which kind of ruins the plot for me.

Then there's t'accent