Blurb - Legends Collide - 2nd book in series

[Plucky Novice]

Hi all,

Not been on Chrons for a while and much the poorer for it. Need to get back into the habit. Anyway, here is my first draft blurb for the second book in my trilogy so please have at it. To some degree it may rely on having read the first in series - the book certainly does.

As always, all thoughts and comments gratefully received. Thanks for taking the time.

PN


In his second cycle at the Amicas Academy of Survival, Peran fears each day may be his last. When the Opposers drove away the previous Stoneborn, Cordan, there was no Quarter War and with one due, they will not rest until Peran is dead or gone. After an attempt on his life that sees his friend almost killed, he leaves for Rifton to seek out Cordan and the secret to preventing the Quarter War. But all is not as it seems in the outer settlement, and Peran must prove himself against the odds to uncover the secret.

With Vahuka, the superior Stoneborn, gathering her forces, time is against them. Faced with the bitter truth that he cannot save everyone, Peran must learn to trust in his friends if they are to survive.

 

[HareBrain]

Writing a blurb for the second book in a fantasy series, where the world has its own terms, and you need to make it interesting for those who've read book 1 and comprehensible for those who haven't, is really hard.

But you knew that.

I don't think you've achieved it here. There are three terms -- Opposers, Stoneborn, and Quarter War -- whose significance we can only guess at, unless we've read the first book. But I think it's worth making it mean something to newbies, because they may well look at this blurb first, and if they get nothing from it, they might not look at book 1 to see what they're missing.

Peran fears each day may be his last.

That's a start. So we have threat.

the Opposers [...] will not rest until Peran is dead or gone

And we have an antagonist. But why do they want him dead? Keep it as simple as possible, but with a couple of intriguing details that make it clear your story is not the same as any other.

he leaves for Rifton to seek out Cordan and the secret to preventing the Quarter War [and] must prove himself against the odds to uncover the secret.

This is the quest. (Though "against the odds" could do with being more specific IMO.)

Faced with the bitter truth that he cannot save everyone, Peran must learn to trust in his friends if they are to survive.

This is a reasonable way to round it off, but the two parts don't really work together. If he can't save everyone, does he then have to make a horrible choice? That's what you should focus on. "learn to trust his friends if they are to survive" is a bit generic and doesn't necessarily promise high drama in the same way as deciding who he must let die.

 

[sule]

A few thoughts:

I agree with HB that the Proper Nouns like Stoneborn and Quarter War just washed over me. In my opinion, adding in a brief aside that gives some explanation in layman's terms of what they are may help in that respect.

You mention Peran's friends multiple times, but other than the fact that they are his friends we aren't given very much information about them (their names, what they are doing, where they are). Considering that the last line is "Peran must learn to trust in his friends if they are to survive" I thought it might be stronger to give us more of an understanding of who his friends are and some sense of what their goals may be.

Some sentence level stuff:

When the Opposers drove away the previous Stoneborn, Cordan, there was no Quarter War and with one due, they will not rest until Peran is dead or gone.

This sentence reads like two ideas jammed together in strange collision. The "they" in the last clause--is it referring to the Opposers or the Stoneborn? The way the sentence is set up makes this unclear. It is also unclear whether "they" want to prevent the Quarter War or cause it by removing Peran and also why removing Peran would do that.

But all is not as it seems in the outer settlement, and Peran must prove himself against the odds to uncover the secret.

"Peran must prove himself against the odds" reads a bit clunky to me. Also, to whom is he proving himself? How is he going to be proving himself?
(Aside: I understand your use of them here, but I am often wary of cliches like, "all is not as it seems" and "against the odds" in blurbs because they're often the first thing that comes to mind and to me give a sense of similarity with other blurbs that use the same wording thus making it so the blurb doesn't stand out on its own. This is just my personal taste.)

I think your idea sounds good, and I hope that some of what I've said helps you write a blurb that better pulls in an audience for it. Keep writing.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I feel the opening is too dependent upon a reader knowing and recalling details from the first story. I would suggest paring down the number of conflicts listed to one. Currently, Peran believes he might be kicked out of the academy, there is a war brewing, Peran is nearly killed, and there is a secret to be uncovered.

The opening of the second paragraph inexplicably goes from singular third person to plural. Who are the 'them'?

You may also want to specify Peran's approximate age. That might help identify the target audience. The opening had me thinking of early Harry Potter novels, i.e., pre-teen. Later, it sounds like he would be at least college-level or perhaps grad-school-level.

I think I would prefer to just see a single hook covered in a short blurb and have a minimal number of new nouns thrown at me. I think you know what the story is about, but as a casual reader, I feel confused as to what to expect.

 

[Plucky Novice]

Thanks to all for your thoughtful responses. Very helpful. I'll have another cut at it during the week, blurbs always take a few iterations to mature and this one is no different.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

Yeah just on top of what has been mentioned and covered in the previous comments above - try and get the blurb interesting enough to provoke someone in to wanting to read the first book in order to get to this book. Easy right?

 

[Plucky Novice]

Hi all,

I've taken a slightly different approach to this and tried to take on board the comments. All thoughts welcomed.

Thanks,

PN


Twenty-five cycles earlier, the Opposers drove away the Stoneborn warrior, Cordan, and the succession of Quarter Wars was broken. Now the Opposers want Peran dead or gone, and even in the confines of the Amicas survival academy he fears each day may be his last. After an attempt on his life sees a friend almost killed, Peran leaves for Rifton to seek out Cordan and uncover the secret to stop the next Quarter War.

With his close friends and Raikes, the ghoster, for company, they battle to live through their perilous journey. But when the survivors arrive in Rifton, all is not as it seems in the outer settlement, and Peran must risk his life to find out the truth.

Together they discover Vahuka, the enemy Stoneborn, is already gathering her army against them. But will they find out how to stop her? Or is it already too late?

 

[msstice]

I had to read it several times to understand it. I'm still not sure I do. Instead of trying to analyze why it is hard for me, I've taken a stab at rewriting it. The actual details should not be important, but perhaps what I (an actual naive reader who is considering reading your book) focus on (and get wrong) may be informative.


After the attempt on Peran's life narrowly fails, he realizes the academy, which has been been his home, is no longer safe. He makes the perilous journey to the outer settlement of Rifton with his closest friends, to search for the famed Cordan, who may be able to stop the next Quarter War. Rifton is full of unexpected danger and mystery greatest of which is Vahuka, the enemy Stoneborn, who is already gathering her army against them. Will they find out how to stop her in time?

 

[sule]

I think this pass does a lot better job of giving an idea of who's involved and what's going on. As a reader I think it would at least pique my interest to read the first few pages.

My one quibble is that I think that these lines are very weak:

But when the survivors arrive in Rifton, all is not as it seems in the outer settlement, and Peran must risk his life to find out the truth.

Together they discover Vahuka, the enemy Stoneborn, is already gathering her army against them. But will they find out how to stop her? Or is it already too late?

This is just my personal taste, but the way they are phrased feels very bland. I think a dash of specificity could go a long way here, things like: what Vahuka may be after, what seems wrong about the outer settlement, what kind of truth Peran is risking his life to discover. Maybe my tastes are too different, but I would really like just a shred more context.

I think you're on your way and this version does a lot of things well, in my opinion. Keep writing.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I am still confused upon reading the blurb what the story is about. It starts saying "the succession of Quarter Wars was broken" yet the end of the first paragraph contradicts this, "uncover the secret to stop the next Quarter War." I then am given multiple reasons for Peran leaving the academy: because his friend is almost killed, to seek out Cordan, to stop the next Quarter War. At the end, though, none of these seem to be addressed and a new item issue arises, Vahuka has now raised an army against Peran and his friends for some unexplained reason.

I feel that the blurb is trying to include too many low level details instead of giving the reader an idea of the overall plot arc. As best I can surmise, Peran is at risk of assassination by Vahuka and he needs to discover why.

 

[Plucky Novice]

Thanks for the replies, they all help.

I am only showing one plot arc here but maybe I need to spell it out a bit more. For example, I'd expected that an enemy gathering an army would clearly relate to the war I've mentioned twice before, and that "the truth" would tie back to "the secret" but maybe not.

I'll have another go.

Thanks again,

PN