Narration, when can you give an overview of an action scene?

[The Bloated One]

Hi Everyone, hope you are all staying safe and well. I am writing an action sequence and wondering when, or if I should use a sort of narrators view sentence. I've put it in bold below. Does this work, or should I drop it?

Bit of background - Leonardo Da Vinci, Nostradamus and Dr John Dee have been dropped onto the High Street of a typical English village in 2015, along with my protaganist, a 16 year old teenager called Tarquin Jenkins.

It was a bright sunny day in Steeple Snoring. Miss Hoploosley was once again, holding court in the post office when suddenly there was a loud commotion on the High Street. Car horns sounded, and there was a lot of yelling and screaming. The bay windows of the post office were quickly filled with pensioners looking out toward the commotion on the High Street. Four people dressed in the most peculiar clothing were rolling around the centre of the road as several cars swerved to avoid them. Mrs Hoploosley was at the forefront of the tide of grey, and was heard to exclaim,
“Isn’t that the Jenkins boy? Up to no good I’d bet!”

Shoppers swiftly helped three bearded men from the road, and sat them down outside the Post Office on one of the many benches provided by the council. A fourth person without a beard, disappear down the High Street toward the Enchanted Teapot Tea Rooms.

Sergeant Sloth and his colleague arrived in their squad car with lights flashing and the siren wailing. Sloth got out of the car and walked purposefully over to the strangely dressed group huddled on the bench with a group of shoppers, and straight into a powerful right hook from an agitated Nostradamus. When Sloth was pole axed, The post office erupted. A wall of aggrieved grey poured, albeit slowly, from the building followed by Kenneth on his mobility scooter. At the sight of the pensioners the shoppers swiftly dispersed. Miss Hoploosley was the first to arrive, launching herself at Nostradamus, pummelling him with her handbag and golden jubilee umbrella. Mr and Mrs Harbinkle were next, pulling Leonardo to the ground and sitting on him, while Kenneth with his wife’s help, continuously rammed his scooter into the legs of a bewildered Dr Dee.

If you’d been a visitor that day in the quintessentially English village of Steeple Snoring, you’d be excused for thinking you’d walked onto a film set, or the making of a stupefyingly banal French perfume commercial.

With the arrival of two more police cars, normality returned to the village. Mrs Hoploosley, the Harbinkles, Kenneth and the three visitors were subdued, cuffed and put in the back of the police cars.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I like it and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, however I'd just suggest it sounds stronger at the beginning, after the line:

It was a bright sunny day in Steeple Snoring. <narrative voice> Miss Hoploosley was once again, holding court in ... etc, because the opening is somewhat character-y in itself so it fits nicer there. Also, it whets the appetite with a cynical snip which leds well into the text.

Having it at the ends seems like a bit of a waste; even an unecessary summary.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I am not sure that it adds to the scene and it makes the transition back for the last two sentences jarring. I find the scene amusing enough without the narrator telling me what to think.

 

[DLCroix]

Well, I do not see that it is wrong but either I do not see that it contributes much. In reality, unless the story is written in the first person, the reader will always know that there is a writer behind that third person or omniscient narrator; in fact one of the differences in the current narrative with respect to that of other decades is that precisely what you say is used to insert sentences where it is noted that it is the writer who is speaking and not one of his narrators. It happens a lot with jokes, since, for example, in a historical novel, it is immediately understood that a narrator situated in that context does not have the mentality to even understand those jokes. I think I have read it to Simmons, I don't know if in Hyperion or Ilion or Olympus where he talks about Swarznegger, for example. Arturo Perez Reverte has also used that trick of irony a lot from La Sombra del Aguila to Cape Trafalgar.

 

[The Bloated One]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read the passage and comment.

I rather like Phyrebrat's idea of placing it at the beginning as a sort of lead in to what happens. But, I also accept that it may simply be redundant. For now, I'll pop it at the beginning, as I have a real problem with stupid perfume commercials! "Daisy, daisy, daisy...." If you've seen it you'll know what I mean!

 

[Mouse]

I have a real problem with stupid perfume commercials! "Daisy, daisy, daisy...." If you've seen it you'll know what I mean!

Sorry, can't comment on the writing (though I agree with Phyrebrat) but YES. See https://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/579933/post-2480237

 

[paranoid marvin]

I would agree with Phyrebat , and would also suggest that you integrate it into your story.

I'm not sure that banal is the word that you're looking for though. Absurd or inane maybe?

I'd also suggest it being a market day, as you are more likely to find shoppers on such days.

 

[sknox]

The use of second person bothers me. It could just as well read "Anyone could be excused for thinking ..." When the author starts talking to me directly, it rarely adds anything and often detracts.

Also, why call this a quintessentially English village? The narrative ought to (and largely does) establish that. Here again, the reader doesn't need to be told this, and telling it undercuts the effect of the narrative itself.

Finally, the comparisons are odd and distracting. Why would I think it was a film set rather than, say, a fight or an accident? The only description we have is three bearded men. Then comes the comparison to a perfume commercial, which seems to relate neither to the event nor to the film set analogy.

IMO, the whole is stronger without it.

 

[paranoid marvin]

The use of second person bothers me. It could just as well read "Anyone could be excused for thinking ..." When the author starts talking to me directly, it rarely adds anything and often detracts.

Also, why call this a quintessentially English village? The narrative ought to (and largely does) establish that. Here again, the reader doesn't need to be told this, and telling it undercuts the effect of the narrative itself.

Finally, the comparisons are odd and distracting. Why would I think it was a film set rather than, say, a fight or an accident? The only description we have is three bearded men. Then comes the comparison to a perfume commercial, which seems to relate neither to the event nor to the film set analogy.

IMO, the whole is stronger without it.

I agree that the scene is better without it, but if it has to be there it is better to be at the beginning than the end.

But as you say, if the scene adequately describes what is happening (which it does) there is no need for a narrator, unless to tell us something that we cannot figure out from the test.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I often enjoy a Voice From Above in any kind of fiction - when the author inserts themselves is how some people see it. Just my opinion of course, but I despair at this brutalist - and often slavish - adherence to common practice, which is why I'm all for TheBloatedOne to explore this in his/her writing.

Where's the enjoyment, the celebration of the word, the personality, the originality? I'm out of my genre here, though, and I wonder how anodyne current SFF writing is when everything has to be pristine prose with no shade of the author in it.

I think the words have to work hard as has been said, stronger constructions, but at the writing and devising stage of draft one, if the author continues in this vein as the book progresses, such 'invasive' thoughts may become more polished and lead to more interesting threads and narratives. Perhaps not, but to stymie such at the beginning might jeopardise the creation of some really appealing prose.

When I'm reading Thomas Ligotti, I'm often unsure as to whether the odd narrative quirk here and there is coming from the author directly, or the character.

Having said all that, when the second draft is done, and subsequent edits, the novel's 'personality' will perhaps form and the author will delete all those Voices From Above, but perhaps, they just might lead her/him down a really interesting road. We know agents and publishers want to take the least amount of financial risk, but to edit ourselves from our work seems to me that it would diminish it somehow.

 

[The Bloated One]

I would agree with Phyrebat , and would also suggest that you integrate it into your story.

I'm not sure that banal is the word that you're looking for though. Absurd or inane maybe?

I'd also suggest it being a market day, as you are more likely to find shoppers on such days.

Thanks for commenting, agree with a change to banal.

 

[The Bloated One]

I often enjoy a Voice From Above in any kind of fiction - when the author inserts themselves is how some people see it. Just my opinion of course, but I despair at this brutalist - and often slavish - adherence to common practice, which is why I'm all for TheBloatedOne to explore this in his/her writing.

Where's the enjoyment, the celebration of the word, the personality, the originality? I'm out of my genre here, though, and I wonder how anodyne current SFF writing is when everything has to be pristine prose with no shade of the author in it.

I think the words have to work hard as has been said, stronger constructions, but at the writing and devising stage of draft one, if the author continues in this vein as the book progresses, such 'invasive' thoughts may become more polished and lead to more interesting threads and narratives. Perhaps not, but to stymie such at the beginning might jeopardise the creation of some really appealing prose.

When I'm reading Thomas Ligotti, I'm often unsure as to whether the odd narrative quirk here and there is coming from the author directly, or the character.

Having said all that, when the second draft is done, and subsequent edits, the novel's 'personality' will perhaps form and the author will delete all those Voices From Above, but perhaps, they just might lead her/him down a really interesting road. We know agents and publishers want to take the least amount of financial risk, but to edit ourselves from our work seems to me that it would diminish it somehow.

It will develop I am sure, and maybe, just maybe, the paragraph will become redundant, or be subsumed into the story without an 'overview narrator'.

 

[Toby Frost]

I think it can be done, but that direct addressing of the reader these days pins the story down as a certain kind of story: light, frivolous and probably for children. The days of a serious novel being able to pull off "Reader, I married him" are probably over. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I think it makes the story feel more like an entertainment or a sort of game, and it will be harder to make the reader think that it really matters.

Personally, here I think that the excerpt is stronger without the lines in bold.

 

[Phyrebrat]

n. The days of a serious novel being able to pull off "Reader, I married him" are probably over

I did a genuine LOL - I can just imagine the kind of story! Now I’m obsessed with getting that line on one of my (likely unpublishable) stories...

It reminded me of the irrational irritation I used to get reading The Beano, Dandy etc when the panel would say ‘reader’s voice’ or ‘editor’s voice’ and have some meta interruption. It seemed so dumb.

And then, reader, I had to hit post reply.

 

[Toby Frost]

I don't think it's just a matter of fashion: if the author started directly addressing the reader, I'd expect some level of meta trickery rather than a straightforward story where the fate of the characters was the main point, which probably goes back to what I meant about the story seeming to matter.

 

[paranoid marvin]

One of the great things about HHGTTG is the narrator/guide's voice throughout the story. This and memorable instances such as 'reader I married him' are what make reading so worthwhile for me.

 

[DLCroix]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read the passage and comment.

I rather like Phyrebrat's idea of placing it at the beginning as a sort of lead in to what happens. But, I also accept that it may simply be redundant. For now, I'll pop it at the beginning, as I have a real problem with stupid perfume commercials! "Daisy, daisy, daisy...." If you've seen it you'll know what I mean!

I am using those interventions in my series as a kind of catalyst. When I finished the first book in the series, it seemed to me that the omniscient narrator was still too cold or distant from the events of the story. That was why I decided to switch to a ghost narrator, in fact the woman is dead but she only discovers it at the beginning of the first book. However, this allowed me to lighten the entire series in the sense of subtracting tragedy from the story and at the same time made it possible to introduce a frivolous narrator (in fact she is one of the villains in the series and sees herself acting in the past put that comes from the future) that even messes up, thinks wrong things and is radically and politically incorrect but, I repeat, even makes jokes and lightens a story that at times becomes very gloomy.