Oath and Faith - Opening scene (1300 words)

[Lawrence Twiddy]

I am looking for an established writing group to join. I believe I'm getting to the point in my writing where I think I could benefit from a group of like-minded people to bounce ideas of and get their opinions on my prose and story. I am not really looking to start my own group with people who are not experienced at being in a writers group as that would make too many of us - mainly including myself. I am wanting to learn and contribute to existing group preferably, which I think I can do creatively in return with other members and their WIP's.
This thread is a small piece of an opening chapter, it really gets cut off before any action due to the word limit but hope its enough to get a idea of my prose and maybe something you would be interested in committing to as a group. If it isn't enough I do have the other 5k word count to this chapter.

Obviously goes without saying all critique is fully welcomed on this piece and it would be much appreciated. Just also looking for a group as I do not want to bore everyone with endless threads spammed in here with too much information for me to compile.
Thanks,
Lawrence.

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Kicking his heels in his stirrups Lieutenant Quentin Dussane urges his horse on at brisker pace to stay forefront of his legion. Slow burning pains come from his sabatons where his feet sit in sores only bearable when riding idly. The humidity of the Sandara Plains are six weeks behind him, yet still this far south the early summer sun beats upon his armour, creating a furnace for his torso. He rides pass soldiers in his legion also on horseback; a legion in the newly found Rourke Empire.

Quentin’s mare slows again, this time he does not urge her on still carrying remnants of pain from the last attempt. He does however start to feel more conscious of the hot air circulating his armour.

His chest becomes tight and his body a sponge for heat. Taxing breaths absorb warm air captive in his lungs. Failing to catch any satisfying oxygen just more heat making the next breath longer and harder.

A dizziness arrives throughout his head blurring his vision. He releases one hand from his reins and reaches to his bascinet and fumbles about trying to lift his visor being slowly overwhelmed with disorientation. As he lifts his visor simultaneously the wind breeze rushes up under his tasset, through his armour and channelling out of the open hole left in his helmet. Swallowing deep pockets of cooler air to fill his lungs Quentin begins to relax and focus.

Fresh f***ing air! He cherishes his next several breaths. Regaining full vision he scans his soldiers as he makes his way slowly along side them, still at a dawdling pace. The entire legion are indulging in the comfort of being such a distance from the emperor’s carriage that they may ride without having their heads contained in their helmets or what they have recently been referring to them as the ‘kiln’.

“Lieutenant”

A completely recognisable voice comes from over Quentin’s shoulder but he turns in surprise having been caught vulnerably riding with his visor up. This is a sign of weakness for any soldier and to make matters worse the voice is that of his brother; Captain Ronin Dussane.

“Oh b-b-brother, you startled me. I had just lifted my visor to spit.” Seems like a good excuse if any.

“It’s captain.” Ronin lifts his visor as apparently its acceptable etiquette to do so when conversing amongst high ranked guard.

“Yes sorry captain!” Not one bead of sweat trickling down that bloody chiseled face, I would put a full pocket of gold on heads or tails I’m the shoemaker’s *******.

“Listen to me carefully lieutenant, what I relay to you now is direct from the emperor himself. This information demands diligence and discretion, do you understand?”

“Y-Yes, yes okay!” Why do I turn into an insecure handmaid’s apprentice when I speak? What does father say ‘Talk when ready and with conviction it demands respect as a man’. “I understand captain!”

“When we arrive at Faber’s Keep there is a Doctor Barbgrey who has residence inside. I need you to take a few of your most trustworthy men, ascertain her and bag her. Take her to Major Maracus, he will deal with her. This is to be done as swiftly as possible.”

“Brother…c-captain why me? Surely there are more qualified men amongst the emperor’s army for such a task? A delicate task!”

“Lower your voice lieutenant and regain yourself! If I did not think you capable of this task believe me I would have not requested you for this to the empero-”

“REQUESTED!?” Quentin’s bemused outburst receives the attention from a few legion soldiers, but the deep piercing eyes of his brother, the captain, soon causes Quentin to attempt some form of composure. My dear f***ing brother, is this it? I’m the weak link in the family so you request me to go on a fool’s mission which I am certain to fail at. Which will certainly lead to my execution… that’s if I do not die trying to succeed. What will he tell father? Who am I kidding, this is probably father’s idea.

Captain Ronin Dussane rides along beside his brother with his undeterred demeanour patiently. Always in control. As their father had taught them ‘Play the game and not the occasion.’ He side glances at the legion soldiers and they sharply resume forward attention.

“Quentin,” Ronin pronounces soft but firmly “it is not the task that is delicate, it is the information. You must not share the details with anyone other than the few trusted men you recruit to help, even then only allow them to know what they must. The task will be straight forward as Faber’s Keep will be in complete pandemonium, they will not kneel with ease like other cities. The emperor wants to obtain the doctor in complete secrecy - so amongst the confusion, go to the tower, take her, bag her and bring her to Major Maracus.”

“How will I find her? What if I can not…? What happens if I fail?”

Ronin breaks Quentin’s thought process and steals his attention with an impatient frown.

“Brother” Replies Ronin.

Pardon? It’s been over decade since you’ve called me that.

“We are going into a new era, a new dynasty under the Emperor Scarcaeron Rourke, harsh times are ahead and the weak will not survive. This is now a time for men. The peace and pleasantries of politics from those holding power and in turn currency is coming to an end, honour and strength in battle will decide a man’s position in the world. The times of old come full circle, do you understand?”

Something our father would say. A warm homely feeling passes over Quentin. His father’s dictation was always captivating and purposeful. The apple did not fall too far from the tree with his brother.

“Quentin you have the strong bold blood of the Dussane name in you, but with lack of opportunity to use it or be filled with its hot flow, weakness and uncertainty controls you. With times of old on the horizon I fear for you my brother, I requested you for this task to prove to me, and most importantly to yourself that maturity is on the same horizon for you. This task is not a hard one but a chance nevertheless as it is an important one. Now step into your name, then find and deliver the doctor to Major Maracus.”

A purposeful realisation consumes Quentin, a mind which was lost in the last two months of campaign and its easy surrender of cities and villages without much confrontation was behind him. He was going to step into his name and his position; Lieutenant Quentin Dussane. Prove his legitimacy to his title and rank and that he is not just holding the position because of his father the decorated colonel, or his brother the seasoned captain. But because I am not weak and worthy of my name and title.

“I will deliver the doctor, captain!”

“Good, it will not be long before we reach Faber’s Keep possibly with more sunlight left than expected, go find and inform your men you choose for the task. Remember discretion is most important.”

“Right away captain.” Maturity is on my horizon.

Quentin kicks his heels in his stirrups to round back to his legion, a deep burning pain sets into his feet again. He knocks down the visor on his bascinet and rides harder. F**k you pain, f**k you weakness! His uncomfortable deep breaths already warming the inside of his helmet. And damn this stupid kiln, I am a Dussane!

 

[The Judge]

I am looking for an established writing group to join. I believe I'm getting to the point in my writing where I think I could benefit from a group of like-minded people to bounce ideas of and get their opinions on my prose and story. I am not really looking to start my own group with people who are not experienced at being in a writers group as that would make too many of us - mainly including myself. I am wanting to learn and contribute to existing group preferably, which I think I can do creatively in return with other members and their WIP's.

I'm a great believer in being part of a writing group -- I know I would never have progressed as a writer without the help of my longstanding and long-suffering writing buddies. If you can find an established group who are looking for new blood, that's great, but don't overlook the advantages of starting a new group. You don't need anyone to be experienced, you just need to know that the others are able to give and take critiques, that they are writing at more or less the same level as you so that the learning/tutoring aspects are not all one way, and they appear to be pleasant people you can get along with. Meanwhile, do a few more critiques of your own, so you can show others how you approach giving feedback.

As for the piece you've put up, it's not a bad first draft by any means, but for my taste the first few paragraphs would be better condensed into one, and I'd suggest pruning much of the rest, so that it reads a lot more quickly, and without quite so much backstory shoved into the italicised thoughts. Is there a reason you're using present tense by the way? It's difficult to sustain for any length of time without falling into tense errors, and though I've written a serial in it which I was happy with (it insisted on being written that way, so I went with it), to my mind present tense rarely brings anything to the writing that can't be met with past tense. Unless you're wedded to present tense and/or this is a YA novel, it might be worth thinking again about it.

I note that in your intro you specifically refer to getting opinions on your prose. I don't know if you've deliberately chosen a rather convoluted and contrived style to mirror the era in which this is (presumably) set, but to my mind the story would be better served by simpler, clearer prose, leaving any attempts at grandiosity to dialogue. There are also far too many grammatical errors and general infelicities which rather set my nit-picker's teeth on edge -- some of these might be typos, some might be because you're not sure of the rules, but I think some might arise because of the style you've adopted, as it seems to be "writerly" ie you're writing as you think Good Writers write, instead of just telling the story.

I don't have time tonight to do anything like a nit-pick, but if you're not sure of grammar rules and/or you've no idea what I mean by infelicities, I'd be happy to critique some paragraphs to show what I mean, if you think that would help.

In any event, good luck with it.


EDIT: for some bizarre reason known only to my sub-conscious**, a couple of times when I meant to say "present tense" it typed itself out as "first". I caught one of those before posting, but I've just seen that I missed the second, so I've now corrected that, just in case anyone was confused by its being there in the first place and is even more confused by its sudden disappearance!

** probably because first person and present tense seem to go hand-in-hand in YA!

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

I'm a great believer in being part of a writing group -- I know I would never have progressed as a writer without the help of my longstanding and long-suffering writing buddies. If you can find an established group who are looking for new blood, that's great, but don't overlook the advantages of starting a new group. You don't need anyone to be experienced, you just need to know that the others are able to give and take critiques, that they are writing at more or less the same level as you so that the learning/tutoring aspects are not all one way, and they appear to be pleasant people you can get along with. Meanwhile, do a few more critiques of your own, so you can show others how you approach giving feedback.

As for the piece you've put up, it's not a bad first draft by any means, but for my taste the first few paragraphs would be better condensed into one, and I'd suggest pruning much of the rest, so that it reads a lot more quickly, and without quite so much backstory shoved into the italicised thoughts. Is there a reason you're using present tense by the way? It's difficult to sustain for any length of time without falling into tense errors, and though I've written a serial in it which I was happy with (it insisted on being written that way, so I went with it), to my mind present tense rarely brings anything to the writing that can't be met with past tense. Unless you're wedded to first and/or this is a YA novel, it might be worth thinking again about it.

I note that in your intro you specifically refer to getting opinions on your prose. I don't know if you've deliberately chosen a rather convoluted and contrived style to mirror the era in which this is (presumably) set, but to my mind the story would be better served by simpler, clearer prose, leaving any attempts at grandiosity to dialogue. There are also far too many grammatical errors and general infelicities which rather set my nit-picker's teeth on edge -- some of these might be typos, some might be because you're not sure of the rules, but I think some might arise because of the style you've adopted, as it seems to be "writerly" ie you're writing as you think Good Writers write, instead of just telling the story.

I don't have time tonight to do anything like a nit-pick, but if you're not sure of grammar rules and/or you've no idea what I mean by infelicities, I'd be happy to critique some paragraphs to show what I mean, if you think that would help.

In any event, good luck with it.

Thanks for the quick reply TJ, your comments really got me thinking - in a good way.

Yeah I have already pruned a lot, haha believe it or not, but am going to look over it again because I would prefer it to read quicker like you suggest. I don't want to get the reader to bogged down with backstory, it's just so hard when it is there in your head while you are writing. Also I haven't put enough thought into the tense it just came out organically as I wrote it, is there tense errors in this piece? I would really appreciate any help in that area so I can understand it and also considering changing it.
Again for the prose its kind of how I have always written naturally, but I love self diagnosing, I want to be better so again is something I'm going to look at and maybe see if I can simplify for a clearer prose.

In terms of the grammatical errors and infelicities, that's an area I really struggle with and I am aware of it as a big flaw. But I really want to tell this story and I don't have anyone else bar this site to commune with so it was one of the main reasons I wanted to join a writing group, so I could learn the rules from experienced people, and hopefully give back in other areas of creativity. I'm aware that time is precious so if you was willing to nit-pick this piece to help me stop making further mistakes when you have the time to do so I would hugely appreciate it.

Maybe i have overlooked advantages of starting my own writing group, I just... well I enjoyed this level of critique for instance I don't know if I would get that from someone is who is not in a writing group already. But I am aware there are probably people in the same position as me so hopefully if I keep put my critiques up and find people on a similar level and position as me it may be advantageous to start a writing group for all parties.

Again Judge thank you for your time and your comments I don't take anything for granted.

 

[AllanR]

For the 1st paragraph

--Kicking his heels in his stirrups Lieutenant Quentin Dussane urges his horse on at brisker pace to stay forefront of his legion.
Here I would drop either his heels or his stirrups, it feels redundant. at should be a (Kicking his stirrups LQD urges his horse on a brisker pace...)

-Slow burning pains come from his sabatons where his feet sit in sores only bearable when riding idly.
sabatons is an obscure word. having it right at the start could throw off readers and lose some. The sentence reads awkward to me and seems run-on. With pains and sores plus sabatons and feet I feel your saying the same thing twice.

-The humidity of the Sandara Plains are six weeks behind him, yet still this far south the early summer sun beats upon his armour, creating a furnace for his torso.
Still can be taken out (I edited a lot of still from my work recently, there's still some to find!) maybe even the yet could be dropped though then I would change the comma to a semicolon.

-He rides pass soldiers in his legion also on horseback; a legion in the newly found Rourke Empire.
pass should be past, though he shouldn't since you already said he was at the forefront. After a semicolon you need a full sentence, not a fragment.

Overall I find the first person distracting, partly because I'm not used to it.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

For the 1st paragraph

--Kicking his heels in his stirrups Lieutenant Quentin Dussane urges his horse on at brisker pace to stay forefront of his legion.
Here I would drop either his heels or his stirrups, it feels redundant. at should be a (Kicking his stirrups LQD urges his horse on a brisker pace...)

-Slow burning pains come from his sabatons where his feet sit in sores only bearable when riding idly.
sabatons is an obscure word. having it right at the start could throw off readers and lose some. The sentence reads awkward to me and seems run-on. With pains and sores plus sabatons and feet I feel your saying the same thing twice.

-The humidity of the Sandara Plains are six weeks behind him, yet still this far south the early summer sun beats upon his armour, creating a furnace for his torso.
Still can be taken out (I edited a lot of still from my work recently, there's still some to find!) maybe even the yet could be dropped though then I would change the comma to a semicolon.

-He rides pass soldiers in his legion also on horseback; a legion in the newly found Rourke Empire.
pass should be past, though he shouldn't since you already said he was at the forefront. After a semicolon you need a full sentence, not a fragment.

Overall I find the first person distracting, partly because I'm not used to it.

Okay cool thank you Allan, can see clearly I need to strip back on some exposition and get straight into the characters dialogue and push the story forward quicker using the characters.

 

[BT Jones]

Hi @Lawrence Twiddy. I can't commit to any detailed analysis, but I thought I would at least read your piece, seeing as I haven't been 'giving back' to the Chrons community anywhere near as much as I would like.

I would echo @The Judge's comments. I'm not sure 3rd person works here, although I use it myself quite often.
The descriptive opening section needs to definitely be halved at the very least, and also simplified. I was guilty of the same over-descriptive, but inefficient approach myself, and the Chrons folk were very helpful in persuading me to dial it down. I think simpler language is always the best.

There's a little bit too much telling in the dialogue section, too. You can show the main character's thoughts and opinions with reactions and little tics rather than lengthy internal thoughts. I have to say, I didn't fully follow what the legion had done and where they were going. I also didn't really get any sense of importance to the quest of finding the doctor.

Also, definitely read through what you right several times. There was some misplaced punctuation that stopped the flow of a few sentences.

I also found the repeated phrase '...trying to lift his visor being slowly overwhelmed with disorientation. As he lifts his visor...' a bit distracting, although that is possibly me nitpicking (J.K Rowling is guilty of this a lot).

Take another crack at it; just get right down to the basics. Try to accentuate the important parts, and dial the not-so-important elements back. Keep descriptions short, sharp and sweet, and leave enough blanks for the reader to fill in. Also, be ruthless; if a word or even a whole sentence doesn't really add anything to the story, just cut it.

And try to break up the dialogue exchange with little bits of scene setting...

'A lizard scurrying across the plain distracted Quentin...' or ' a thick cloud bathed the hillside in merciful shade'. IMO, this helps to keep the scenery as a character in itself, and keep the reader connected with the setting.

Good luck with the piece, and don't be discouraged by the constructive criticism. There's usually always a good story at the heart of a piece of writing. It's just about chiseling back the parts you don't need.

I'd be interested to read the second draft of this section.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

Hi @Lawrence Twiddy. I can't commit to any detailed analysis, but I thought I would at least read your piece, seeing as I haven't been 'giving back' to the Chrons community anywhere near as much as I would like.

I would echo @The Judge's comments. I'm not sure 3rd person works here, although I use it myself quite often.
The descriptive opening section needs to definitely be halved at the very least, and also simplified. I was guilty of the same over-descriptive, but inefficient approach myself, and the Chrons folk were very helpful in persuading me to dial it down. I think simpler language is always the best.

There's a little bit too much telling in the dialogue section, too. You can show the main character's thoughts and opinions with reactions and little tics rather than lengthy internal thoughts. I have to say, I didn't fully follow what the legion had done and where they were going. I also didn't really get any sense of importance to the quest of finding the doctor.

Also, definitely read through what you right several times. There was some misplaced punctuation that stopped the flow of a few sentences.

I also found the repeated phrase '...trying to lift his visor being slowly overwhelmed with disorientation. As he lifts his visor...' a bit distracting, although that is possibly me nitpicking (J.K Rowling is guilty of this a lot).

Take another crack at it; just get right down to the basics. Try to accentuate the important parts, and dial the not-so-important elements back. Keep descriptions short, sharp and sweet, and leave enough blanks for the reader to fill in. Also, be ruthless; if a word or even a whole sentence doesn't really add anything to the story, just cut it.

And try to break up the dialogue exchange with little bits of scene setting...

'A lizard scurrying across the plain distracted Quentin...' or ' a thick cloud bathed the hillside in merciful shade'. IMO, this helps to keep the scenery as a character in itself, and keep the reader connected with the setting.

Good luck with the piece, and don't be discouraged by the constructive criticism. There's usually always a good story at the heart of a piece of writing. It's just about chiseling back the parts you don't need.

I'd be interested to read the second draft of this section.

BT thanks, some real fruitful advice and helpful criticism.

Your points are understood fully and I plan on implementing everything that has been said so far. As soon as it is said I can see where I am going wrong. I just have this story I want to tell, which I know is a good story but it’s the doing it justice part that I need to get right, hopefully with these critiques I can take a step in that direction for sure.

Loved the examples of dialogue breaks with scenery settings and will explore some original ones for myself. Nice one ta!

Clearly I need to cut to the bone keep it interesting and more efficient with being simpler seems like a big one that keeps coming up. You said you wasn’t to sure of the purpose of the campaign the legion was on which was actually abit I had already cut because I did not want to information dump too much as it is something that will reveal it’s self later.

This scene is a bread crumb into the next scene and the event of Faber’s Keep.
If you would be willing to spend any of your time in reading the end of the chapter and giving an overall critique like you have here I would massively appreciate it, I know it would help me edit further chapters getting one chapter critiqued. Also no obligation, any help and all help has been highly valued. Thanks again!!

 

[Wayne Mack]

I am looking for an established writing group to join.

We have a small group of writers who are doing an online group at Discord - A New Way to Chat with Friends & Communities . It's a free site to join, so maybe come lurk for a session or two or even dive right in and share your opinions. We are probably close to your description of not being experienced in being in a writers' group, but we do try to provide honest and respectful critiques of each others' writings.

 

[The Judge]

Also I haven't put enough thought into the tense it just came out organically as I wrote it, is there tense errors in this piece? I would really appreciate any help in that area so I can understand it and also considering changing it.

I didn't notice any tense errors on my quick read yesterday, though I was rather skimming after the first paragraphs, and if the story is telling itself to you this way, and it's not causing you any grief as you write it, then perhaps run with it a bit further to see how you get on. To my mind it's not adding to the immediacy, so personally I'd change it, but this is your story, not mine.

Again for the prose its kind of how I have always written naturally, but I love self diagnosing, I want to be better so again is something I'm going to look at and maybe see if I can simplify for a clearer prose.

But your posts aren't written in this fashion -- they're far more simple and direct. Your stories in the Challenges also read more cleanly, undoubtedly because there you're weighing up every word and discounting those which don't take the story forward because you can't afford them. Obviously, a novel isn't the same as a 300 worder writ large, much less a 75 worder, and you do need to allow space for the story to breathe, but try and keep the same precept in mind. Does a sentence help the story by progressing it or by showing characterisation or atmosphere or world-building? Would the story be diminished if that sentence were to be removed? If the answers are no and no, then why is it there?

In terms of the grammatical errors and infelicities, that's an area I really struggle with and I am aware of it as a big flaw.

For grammar and the like we do have The Toolbox which may point you in the right direction for some matters. And don't forget to use the Improving threads for your Challenge entries once voting has finished -- it's much easier for someone like me to point out things in a 300 word piece which has already been honed which you can then apply to your wider writing.

Anyhow, I'll have a look at the first paras of the story -- AllanR has done a good job, but if I go over the same ground it might help.

Kicking his heels in his stirrups -- "in his stirrups" certainly adds nothing, but I'm not sure that "kicking his heels" actually takes us far. Surely he's kicking the poor beast, not his heels?​

Lieutenant Quentin Dussane -- to me giving the whole of his name and rank feels info-dumpy, you giving information rather than how he thinks of himself. I'd go with just "Quentin" and bring in surname and rank naturally further on​

urges his horse on at to a brisker pace to stay at the forefront of his legion. -- the "on at" is something which is used informally, but I'm sure isn't right technically, but my correction is clunky with the two "to"s there, so if this were mine I'd be rewording the whole. And it surely isn't "stay" if he's already passing his men, it's "regain his position"​

Slow burning pains come from his sabatons -- Allan is right about "sabatons"; very few people would know the word (I guessed, but had to check I was right) and while I'm a believer in pushing people's vocabulary, coming like this in the first para without sufficient context it's a little off-putting. The clause itself is also clunky and makes it sound as though the sabatons themselves are in pain​

where his feet sit in sores only bearable when riding idly. -- I've never ridden a horse so I'll bow to superior knowledge, but it sounds odd that his feet hurt more if the horse is moving faster, and surely his feet are sore, not somehow sitting in sores. Does "riding idly" mean slowly, ie idling along, or does it reflect on how he's sitting, ie having to put more weight on the soles of his feet if he's riding properly?​

The humidity of the Sandara Plains are six weeks behind him, yet still this far south the early summer sun beats upon his armour, creating a furnace for his torso. -- this is somewhat estranged from the sentences either side of it, since it's presumably not the heat which causes his feet to be sore, as you refer to his torso only being affected (though why not the rest of him and his arms/legs?) so I'd move it out from here into the next para where he's whingeing about the heat​

He rides pass past the soldiers -- would he refer to them as soldiers if they're mounted, rather than simply "his men"? But why is this needed? You've already told us he's pushing the animal on to get into the lead​

in of his legion also on horseback;, -- are some of his legion not mounted? If not, why highlight the fact these are mounted in such a bald way? And semi-colon wrong there, better with a comma​

a legion in the newly founded Rourke Empire. -- info-dump when baldly stated like this, and not required; I've corrected the "found" but it's not the word I'd use for a new empire, especially one that appears still to be in the empire-building stage.​

​

Quentin’s mare slows again, but -- reads oddly, since it was only a few words ago she was moving fast. Does she slow down as soon as he's stopped kicking? This is a comma splice aka a type of run-on sentence, so you need either a conjunction as I've added or a semi-colon in place of the comma​

this time he does not urge her on, as he's still carrying remnants of in pain from the last attempt. -- another run on sentence as there's insufficient punctuation between the two clauses, so a comma is needed. I'm not sure one ever carries pain, nor that it would be only remnants bare seconds after it spiked through him, so best amended. The "still carrying" as written is ambiguous as to who is carrying the pain, him or the mare​

He does however start to feel more conscious of the hot air circulating within his armour. -- again a sentence that reads oddly, and why only now more conscious of it? I added the "within" because that seemed to be what you're suggesting, as opposed to hot air outside heating him, but surely there aren't huge gaps between him and the metal for it to circulate, as his clothes will be there​

​

His chest becomes tight and his body a sponge for heat. -- two different ideas in one sentence is fine, but having started to talk about the hot air, you need to keep with it, rather than speak about the heat again​

Taxing breaths absorb warm air captive in his lungs. -- not sure breaths can be taxing, which means they're causing him to be exhausted, and the breaths can't absorb air​

Failing to catch any satisfying oxygen, -- this is a fragment as the sentence is incomplete, lacking a subject, but I'm not sure whether you mean the breaths are failing, in which case continue on from the previous sentence with a comma not a full stop, or it's him failing, in which case that needs saying. And again it's a run on sentence, without proper punctuation, so a comma is needed at the end of this clause. NB oxygen wasn't understood and named until the late C18th, so this reads as anachronistic in a setting of knights in medieval armour, and it wouldn't be "satisfying" even if he knew its name and properties​

just more heat making the next breath longer and harder. -- how can he catch heat from his lungs? And wouldn't the breaths actually come shorter, as he struggles to breathe? Altogether, I can't help thinking these three sentences are basically repeating the same thing in different words.​

​

Of those three paragraphs, all I think you need is something like:

"Quentin spurred his horse to increase its pace, despite the pain it caused as his heels slid forward in the stirrups [or whatever it is that hurts his feet as a result of increasing the pace] -- his feet were already a mass of sores and blisters inside the steel of his sabatons. As lieutenant he should be at the head of his mounted [only needed if there are foot legions] legion, but he'd fallen back as the heat took its toll on both him and the mare. The humidity of the Sandara Plains was now six weeks behind them, yet this far south the early summer sun beat upon his armour like a furnace, and each breath was a struggle."​

​

OK, that was done on the fly so it's not very good, but I've managed to reduce word count by the better part of 40% without really losing anything of note, and at the same time it's a little clearer and easier to follow.

That help? If it has, then I'll try to do some more and/or more general points when I've a little more time.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I am looking for an established writing group to join. I believe I'm getting to the point in my writing where I think I could benefit from a group of like-minded people to bounce ideas of and get their opinions on my prose and story. I am not really looking to start my own group with people who are not experienced at being in a writers group as that would make too many of us - mainly including myself. I am wanting to learn and contribute to existing group preferably, which I think I can do creatively in return with other members and their WIP's.

Critique may follow, but come on give us a chance!!!!

Where are you in the world - so we can point them at you.

As for countless threads to critique :-

This is meat and gravy to some of us. There's nothing we like more than something to get our teeth into. Sometimes it can be weeks before a head appears above the parapit.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I feel that the opening, which described the discomfort of wearing armor, an interesting hook to start reading. I would have liked to hear more of what Lieutenant Dussane is wearing and what weapons he is carrying. I would also like to see a little more description in the pull back to viewing the troops. How many soldiers are there? What is their mission?

Unfortunately, I did not find the Lieutenant to be a likeable character. I recognize that a Lieutenant is an entry level officer and I assume he is only in this position due to family connections. I do not know if the intent is to have him portrayed as a fish out of water character, but without him having some positive attributes, I do not find myself concerned whether he succeeds or fails. Try to provide a little more detail on who Lieutenant Dussane is and why he could be the hero of his own story.

I am a little torn on the violation of chain of command where Captain Dussane speaks directly to the emperor, bypassing the major. If this is an indication of the Dussane family having political connections, then it it is an interesting foreshadowing. If that is not the case, though, it would be a major violation of protocol.

Some more technical points. I feel the use of third person, present tense to be perfectly okay -- it doesn't really register to me as I read. I found the lack of commas separating phrases to be an issue. I had to stop and reparse sentences as they shifted from one thought to the next and this kept from from fully engaging with the story. Lastly, I am a believer in the idea of the reader being in either a description mode or a dialog mode. This is personal opinion, but I feel dialog reads best when it has minimal interruption by tags or explanatory beats.

I think you have a good ear for descriptive text as shown by the recounting of the discomfort of the armor and I would like to see those sections expanded upon. I think this is a decent set up for the next phase of the story and there are some fixable elements that could be addressed. Getting something down on paper is key and I would like to see how this story progresses.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

I didn't notice any tense errors on my quick read yesterday, though I was rather skimming after the first paragraphs, and if the story is telling itself to you this way, and it's not causing you any grief as you write it, then perhaps run with it a bit further to see how you get on. To my mind it's not adding to the immediacy, so personally I'd change it, but this is your story, not mine.


But your posts aren't written in this fashion -- they're far more simple and direct. Your stories in the Challenges also read more cleanly, undoubtedly because there you're weighing up every word and discounting those which don't take the story forward because you can't afford them. Obviously, a novel isn't the same as a 300 worder writ large, much less a 75 worder, and you do need to allow space for the story to breathe, but try and keep the same precept in mind. Does a sentence help the story by progressing it or by showing characterisation or atmosphere or world-building? Would the story be diminished if that sentence were to be removed? If the answers are no and no, then why is it there?


For grammar and the like we do have The Toolbox which may point you in the right direction for some matters. And don't forget to use the Improving threads for your Challenge entries once voting has finished -- it's much easier for someone like me to point out things in a 300 word piece which has already been honed which you can then apply to your wider writing.

Anyhow, I'll have a look at the first paras of the story -- AllanR has done a good job, but if I go over the same ground it might help.

Kicking his heels in his stirrups -- "in his stirrups" certainly adds nothing, but I'm not sure that "kicking his heels" actually takes us far. Surely he's kicking the poor beast, not his heels?​

Lieutenant Quentin Dussane -- to me giving the whole of his name and rank feels info-dumpy, you giving information rather than how he thinks of himself. I'd go with just "Quentin" and bring in surname and rank naturally further on​

urges his horse on at to a brisker pace to stay at the forefront of his legion. -- the "on at" is something which is used informally, but I'm sure isn't right technically, but my correction is clunky with the two "to"s there, so if this were mine I'd be rewording the whole. And it surely isn't "stay" if he's already passing his men, it's "regain his position"​

Slow burning pains come from his sabatons -- Allan is right about "sabatons"; very few people would know the word (I guessed, but had to check I was right) and while I'm a believer in pushing people's vocabulary, coming like this in the first para without sufficient context it's a little off-putting. The clause itself is also clunky and makes it sound as though the sabatons themselves are in pain​

where his feet sit in sores only bearable when riding idly. -- I've never ridden a horse so I'll bow to superior knowledge, but it sounds odd that his feet hurt more if the horse is moving faster, and surely his feet are sore, not somehow sitting in sores. Does "riding idly" mean slowly, ie idling along, or does it reflect on how he's sitting, ie having to put more weight on the soles of his feet if he's riding properly?​

The humidity of the Sandara Plains are six weeks behind him, yet still this far south the early summer sun beats upon his armour, creating a furnace for his torso. -- this is somewhat estranged from the sentences either side of it, since it's presumably not the heat which causes his feet to be sore, as you refer to his torso only being affected (though why not the rest of him and his arms/legs?) so I'd move it out from here into the next para where he's whingeing about the heat​

He rides pass past the soldiers -- would he refer to them as soldiers if they're mounted, rather than simply "his men"? But why is this needed? You've already told us he's pushing the animal on to get into the lead​

in of his legion also on horseback;, -- are some of his legion not mounted? If not, why highlight the fact these are mounted in such a bald way? And semi-colon wrong there, better with a comma​

a legion in the newly founded Rourke Empire. -- info-dump when baldly stated like this, and not required; I've corrected the "found" but it's not the word I'd use for a new empire, especially one that appears still to be in the empire-building stage.​

​

Quentin’s mare slows again, but -- reads oddly, since it was only a few words ago she was moving fast. Does she slow down as soon as he's stopped kicking? This is a comma splice aka a type of run-on sentence, so you need either a conjunction as I've added or a semi-colon in place of the comma​

this time he does not urge her on, as he's still carrying remnants of in pain from the last attempt. -- another run on sentence as there's insufficient punctuation between the two clauses, so a comma is needed. I'm not sure one ever carries pain, nor that it would be only remnants bare seconds after it spiked through him, so best amended. The "still carrying" as written is ambiguous as to who is carrying the pain, him or the mare​

He does however start to feel more conscious of the hot air circulating within his armour. -- again a sentence that reads oddly, and why only now more conscious of it? I added the "within" because that seemed to be what you're suggesting, as opposed to hot air outside heating him, but surely there aren't huge gaps him and the metal for it to circulate, as his clothes will be there​

​

His chest becomes tight and his body a sponge for heat. -- two different ideas in one sentence is fine, but having started to talk about the hot air, you need to keep with it, rather than speak about the heat again​

Taxing breaths absorb warm air captive in his lungs. -- not sure breaths can be taxing, which means they're causing him to be exhausted, and the breaths can't absorb air​

Failing to catch any satisfying oxygen, -- this is a fragment as the sentence is incomplete, lacking a subject, but I'm not sure whether you mean the breaths are failing, in which case continue on from the previous sentence with a comma not a full stop, or it's him failing, in which case that needs saying. And again it's a run on sentence, without proper punctuation, so a comma is needed at the end of this clause. NB oxygen wasn't understood and named until the late C18th, so this reads as anachronistic in a setting of knights in medieval armour, and it wouldn't be "satisfying" even if he knew its name and properties​

just more heat making the next breath longer and harder. -- how can he catch heat from his lungs? And wouldn't the breaths actually come shorter, as he struggles to breathe? Altogether, I can't help thinking these three sentences are basically repeating the same thing in different words.​

​

Of those three paragraphs, all I think you need is something like:

"Quentin spurred his horse to increase its pace, despite the pain it caused as his heels slid forward in the stirrups [or whatever it is that hurts his feet as a result of increasing the pace] -- his feet were already a mass of sores and blisters inside the steel of his sabatons. As lieutenant he should be at the head of his mounted [only needed if there are foot legions] legion, but he'd fallen back as the heat took its toll on both him and the mare. The humidity of the Sandara Plains was now six weeks behind them, yet this far south the early summer sun beat upon his armour like a furnace, and each breath was a struggle."​

​

OK, that was done on the fly so it's not very good, but I've managed to reduce word count by the better part of 40% without really losing anything of note, and at the same time it's a little clearer and easier to follow.

That help? If it has, then I'll try to do some more and/or more general points when I've a little more time.

Perfect, thank you. This post has helped me so much and given me plenty of food for thought.
I believe from what you have done for me above I can really look at my work with a lot more efficiency and find a better voice for my story while also making that come through clearer and more enjoyable.

Appreciate the offer for more analysis on further paragraphs but I’m going to look at a re-write and wouldn’t want to waste your time. Cheers for the great critique.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

I feel that the opening, which described the discomfort of wearing armor, an interesting hook to start reading. I would have liked to hear more of what Lieutenant Dussane is wearing and what weapons he is carrying. I would also like to see a little more description in the pull back to viewing the troops. How many soldiers are there? What is their mission?

Unfortunately, I did not find the Lieutenant to be a likeable character. I recognize that a Lieutenant is an entry level officer and I assume he is only in this position due to family connections. I do not know if the intent is to have him portrayed as a fish out of water character, but without him having some positive attributes, I do not find myself concerned whether he succeeds or fails. Try to provide a little more detail on who Lieutenant Dussane is and why he could be the hero of his own story.

I am a little torn on the violation of chain of command where Captain Dussane speaks directly to the emperor, bypassing the major. If this is an indication of the Dussane family having political connections, then it it is an interesting foreshadowing. If that is not the case, though, it would be a major violation of protocol.

Some more technical points. I feel the use of third person, present tense to be perfectly okay -- it doesn't really register to me as I read. I found the lack of commas separating phrases to be an issue. I had to stop and reparse sentences as they shifted from one thought to the next and this kept from from fully engaging with the story. Lastly, I am a believer in the idea of the reader being in either a description mode or a dialog mode. This is personal opinion, but I feel dialog reads best when it has minimal interruption by tags or explanatory beats.

I think you have a good ear for descriptive text as shown by the recounting of the discomfort of the armor and I would like to see those sections expanded upon. I think this is a decent set up for the next phase of the story and there are some fixable elements that could be addressed. Getting something down on paper is key and I would like to see how this story progresses.

Thanks Wayne, I believe you understood the piece how i intended it - due to everything you assumed was correct referring to the story. Quentin isn’t actually the hero, that is a bread crumb scene before the main character in the next part of the chapter, which I would enjoy your opinion on.

If it’s okay to private message you I would really like more information about discord and would be interested in joining your group of writers and maybe discuss more conveniently through that platform.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

Critique may follow, but come on give us a chance!!!!

Where are you in the world - so we can point them at you.

As for countless threads to critique :-

This is meat and gravy to some of us. There's nothing we like more than something to get our teeth into. Sometimes it can be weeks before a head appears above the parapit.

@TheEndIsNigh ‘Where are you in the world”

If you mean in terms of the story it’s a fictional place called South Tareen currently.

 

[msstice]

My comments in bold. Punctuation and other minor language elements are not flagged.

Kicking his heels in his stirrups Lieutenant Quentin Dussane urges his horse on at brisker pace to stay forefront of his legion. Slow burning pains come from his sabatons where his feet sit in sores only bearable when riding idly. The humidity of the Sandara Plains are six weeks behind him, yet still this far south the early summer sun beats upon his armour, creating a furnace for his torso. He rides pass soldiers in his legion also on horseback; a legion in the newly found Rourke Empire.

Not sure about the present tense third person. It reminds me of some older writers I admire, but it distracted me rather than impressed me here.


Quentin’s mare slows again, this time he does not urge her on still carrying remnants of pain from the last attempt. He does however start to feel more conscious of the hot air circulating his armour.

His chest becomes tight and his body a sponge for heat. Taxing breaths absorb warm air captive in his lungs. Failing to catch any satisfying oxygen just more heat making the next breath longer and harder.

A dizziness arrives throughout his head blurring his vision. He releases one hand from his reins and reaches to his bascinet and fumbles about trying to lift his visor being slowly overwhelmed with disorientation. As he lifts his visor simultaneously the wind breeze rushes up under his tasset, through his armour and channelling out of the open hole left in his helmet. Swallowing deep pockets of cooler air to fill his lungs Quentin begins to relax and focus.

Fresh f***ing air! He cherishes his next several breaths. Regaining full vision he scans his soldiers as he makes his way slowly along side them, still at a dawdling pace. The entire legion are indulging in the comfort of being such a distance from the emperor’s carriage that they may ride without having their heads contained in their helmets or what they have recently been referring to them as the ‘kiln’.

This is good immersive description so far.

“Lieutenant”

A completely recognisable voice comes from over Quentin’s shoulder but he turns in surprise having been caught vulnerably riding with his visor up. This is a sign of weakness for any soldier and to make matters worse the voice is that of his brother; Captain Ronin Dussane.

“Oh b-b-brother, you startled me. I had just lifted my visor to spit.” Seems like a good excuse if any.

“It’s captain.” Ronin lifts his visor as apparently its acceptable etiquette to do so when conversing amongst high ranked guard.

“Yes sorry captain!” Not one bead of sweat trickling down that bloody chiseled face, I would put a full pocket of gold on heads or tails I’m the shoemaker’s *******.

Can't he see this? Or is too little of the face visible?

“Listen to me carefully lieutenant, what I relay to you now is direct from the emperor himself. This information demands diligence and discretion, do you understand?”

“Y-Yes, yes okay!” Why do I turn into an insecure handmaid’s apprentice when I speak? What does father say ‘Talk when ready and with conviction it demands respect as a man’. “I understand captain!”

Shouldn't he say "sir" at the start?

“When we arrive at Faber’s Keep there is a Doctor Barbgrey who has residence inside. I need you to take a few of your most trustworthy men, ascertain her and bag her. Take her to Major Maracus, he will deal with her. This is to be done as swiftly as possible.”

“Brother…c-captain why me? Surely there are more qualified men amongst the emperor’s army for such a task? A delicate task!”

“Lower your voice lieutenant and regain yourself! If I did not think you capable of this task believe me I would have not requested you for this to the empero-”

“REQUESTED!?” Quentin’s bemused outburst receives the attention from a few legion soldiers, but the deep piercing eyes of his brother, the captain, soon causes Quentin to attempt some form of composure. My dear f***ing brother, is this it? I’m the weak link in the family so you request me to go on a fool’s mission which I am certain to fail at. Which will certainly lead to my execution… that’s if I do not die trying to succeed. What will he tell father? Who am I kidding, this is probably father’s idea.

Seems odd that he would have an outburst like this if he's so afraid of his brother.

Captain Ronin Dussane rides along beside his brother with his undeterred demeanour patiently. Always in control. As their father had taught them ‘Play the game and not the occasion.’ He side glances at the legion soldiers and they sharply resume forward attention.

“Quentin,” Ronin pronounces soft but firmly “it is not the task that is delicate, it is the information. You must not share the details with anyone other than the few trusted men you recruit to help, even then only allow them to know what they must. The task will be straight forward as Faber’s Keep will be in complete pandemonium, they will not kneel with ease like other cities. The emperor wants to obtain the doctor in complete secrecy - so amongst the confusion, go to the tower, take her, bag her and bring her to Major Maracus.”

“How will I find her? What if I can not…? What happens if I fail?”

Ronin breaks Quentin’s thought process and steals his attention with an impatient frown.

“Brother” Replies Ronin.

Pardon? It’s been over decade since you’ve called me that.

“We are going into a new era, a new dynasty under the Emperor Scarcaeron Rourke, harsh times are ahead and the weak will not survive. This is now a time for men. The peace and pleasantries of politics from those holding power and in turn currency is coming to an end, honour and strength in battle will decide a man’s position in the world. The times of old come full circle, do you understand?”

Something our father would say. A warm homely feeling passes over Quentin. His father’s dictation was always captivating and purposeful. The apple did not fall too far from the tree with his brother.

“Quentin you have the strong bold blood of the Dussane name in you, but with lack of opportunity to use it or be filled with its hot flow, weakness and uncertainty controls you. With times of old on the horizon [You mean to say that this time is passing, but on the horizon generally means about to come.] I fear for you my brother, I requested you for this task to prove to me, and most importantly to yourself that maturity is on the same horizon for you. This task is not a hard one but a chance nevertheless as it is an important one. Now step into your name, then find and deliver the doctor to Major Maracus.”

A purposeful realisation consumes Quentin, a mind which was lost in the last two months of campaign and its easy surrender of cities and villages without much confrontation was behind him. He was going to step into his name and his position; Lieutenant Quentin Dussane. Prove his legitimacy to his title and rank and that he is not just holding the position because of his father the decorated colonel, or his brother the seasoned captain. But because I am not weak and worthy of my name and title.

“I will deliver the doctor, captain!”

“Good, it will not be long before we reach Faber’s Keep possibly with more sunlight left than expected, go find and inform your men you choose for the task. Remember discretion is most important.”

“Right away captain.” Maturity is on my horizon.

Quentin kicks his heels in his stirrups to round back to his legion, a deep burning pain sets into his feet again. He knocks down the visor on his bascinet and rides harder. F**k you pain, f**k you weakness! His uncomfortable deep breaths already warming the inside of his helmet. And damn this stupid kiln, I am a Dussane!

This is a nice character study and a study of the relationship between the two men. It is written very well with attention to drawing us into the character of the person. I would definitely read more.

 

[BT Jones]

BT thanks, some real fruitful advice and helpful criticism.

Your points are understood fully and I plan on implementing everything that has been said so far. As soon as it is said I can see where I am going wrong. I just have this story I want to tell, which I know is a good story but it’s the doing it justice part that I need to get right, hopefully with these critiques I can take a step in that direction for sure.

Loved the examples of dialogue breaks with scenery settings and will explore some original ones for myself. Nice one ta!

Clearly I need to cut to the bone keep it interesting and more efficient with being simpler seems like a big one that keeps coming up. You said you wasn’t to sure of the purpose of the campaign the legion was on which was actually abit I had already cut because I did not want to information dump too much as it is something that will reveal it’s self later.

This scene is a bread crumb into the next scene and the event of Faber’s Keep.
If you would be willing to spend any of your time in reading the end of the chapter and giving an overall critique like you have here I would massively appreciate it, I know it would help me edit further chapters getting one chapter critiqued. Also no obligation, any help and all help has been highly valued. Thanks again!!

Take another pass at the whole thing, using the consolidated recommendations above, and I will be happy to read the chapter in full.

One other thing I forgot to mention... I found the swearing a little jarring and not in keeping with what I perceived to be the era of the story. This could just be me reading it wrong, but I felt a more old-fashioned curse would have been more appropriate.

 

[Lawrence Twiddy]

My comments in bold. Punctuation and other minor language elements are not flagged.

Kicking his heels in his stirrups Lieutenant Quentin Dussane urges his horse on at brisker pace to stay forefront of his legion. Slow burning pains come from his sabatons where his feet sit in sores only bearable when riding idly. The humidity of the Sandara Plains are six weeks behind him, yet still this far south the early summer sun beats upon his armour, creating a furnace for his torso. He rides pass soldiers in his legion also on horseback; a legion in the newly found Rourke Empire.

Not sure about the present tense third person. It reminds me of some older writers I admire, but it distracted me rather than impressed me here.


Quentin’s mare slows again, this time he does not urge her on still carrying remnants of pain from the last attempt. He does however start to feel more conscious of the hot air circulating his armour.

His chest becomes tight and his body a sponge for heat. Taxing breaths absorb warm air captive in his lungs. Failing to catch any satisfying oxygen just more heat making the next breath longer and harder.

A dizziness arrives throughout his head blurring his vision. He releases one hand from his reins and reaches to his bascinet and fumbles about trying to lift his visor being slowly overwhelmed with disorientation. As he lifts his visor simultaneously the wind breeze rushes up under his tasset, through his armour and channelling out of the open hole left in his helmet. Swallowing deep pockets of cooler air to fill his lungs Quentin begins to relax and focus.

Fresh f***ing air! He cherishes his next several breaths. Regaining full vision he scans his soldiers as he makes his way slowly along side them, still at a dawdling pace. The entire legion are indulging in the comfort of being such a distance from the emperor’s carriage that they may ride without having their heads contained in their helmets or what they have recently been referring to them as the ‘kiln’.

This is good immersive description so far.

“Lieutenant”

A completely recognisable voice comes from over Quentin’s shoulder but he turns in surprise having been caught vulnerably riding with his visor up. This is a sign of weakness for any soldier and to make matters worse the voice is that of his brother; Captain Ronin Dussane.

“Oh b-b-brother, you startled me. I had just lifted my visor to spit.” Seems like a good excuse if any.

“It’s captain.” Ronin lifts his visor as apparently its acceptable etiquette to do so when conversing amongst high ranked guard.

“Yes sorry captain!” Not one bead of sweat trickling down that bloody chiseled face, I would put a full pocket of gold on heads or tails I’m the shoemaker’s *******.

Can't he see this? Or is too little of the face visible?

“Listen to me carefully lieutenant, what I relay to you now is direct from the emperor himself. This information demands diligence and discretion, do you understand?”

“Y-Yes, yes okay!” Why do I turn into an insecure handmaid’s apprentice when I speak? What does father say ‘Talk when ready and with conviction it demands respect as a man’. “I understand captain!”

Shouldn't he say "sir" at the start?

“When we arrive at Faber’s Keep there is a Doctor Barbgrey who has residence inside. I need you to take a few of your most trustworthy men, ascertain her and bag her. Take her to Major Maracus, he will deal with her. This is to be done as swiftly as possible.”

“Brother…c-captain why me? Surely there are more qualified men amongst the emperor’s army for such a task? A delicate task!”

“Lower your voice lieutenant and regain yourself! If I did not think you capable of this task believe me I would have not requested you for this to the empero-”

“REQUESTED!?” Quentin’s bemused outburst receives the attention from a few legion soldiers, but the deep piercing eyes of his brother, the captain, soon causes Quentin to attempt some form of composure. My dear f***ing brother, is this it? I’m the weak link in the family so you request me to go on a fool’s mission which I am certain to fail at. Which will certainly lead to my execution… that’s if I do not die trying to succeed. What will he tell father? Who am I kidding, this is probably father’s idea.

Seems odd that he would have an outburst like this if he's so afraid of his brother.

Captain Ronin Dussane rides along beside his brother with his undeterred demeanour patiently. Always in control. As their father had taught them ‘Play the game and not the occasion.’ He side glances at the legion soldiers and they sharply resume forward attention.

“Quentin,” Ronin pronounces soft but firmly “it is not the task that is delicate, it is the information. You must not share the details with anyone other than the few trusted men you recruit to help, even then only allow them to know what they must. The task will be straight forward as Faber’s Keep will be in complete pandemonium, they will not kneel with ease like other cities. The emperor wants to obtain the doctor in complete secrecy - so amongst the confusion, go to the tower, take her, bag her and bring her to Major Maracus.”

“How will I find her? What if I can not…? What happens if I fail?”

Ronin breaks Quentin’s thought process and steals his attention with an impatient frown.

“Brother” Replies Ronin.

Pardon? It’s been over decade since you’ve called me that.

“We are going into a new era, a new dynasty under the Emperor Scarcaeron Rourke, harsh times are ahead and the weak will not survive. This is now a time for men. The peace and pleasantries of politics from those holding power and in turn currency is coming to an end, honour and strength in battle will decide a man’s position in the world. The times of old come full circle, do you understand?”

Something our father would say. A warm homely feeling passes over Quentin. His father’s dictation was always captivating and purposeful. The apple did not fall too far from the tree with his brother.

“Quentin you have the strong bold blood of the Dussane name in you, but with lack of opportunity to use it or be filled with its hot flow, weakness and uncertainty controls you. With times of old on the horizon [You mean to say that this time is passing, but on the horizon generally means about to come.] I fear for you my brother, I requested you for this task to prove to me, and most importantly to yourself that maturity is on the same horizon for you. This task is not a hard one but a chance nevertheless as it is an important one. Now step into your name, then find and deliver the doctor to Major Maracus.”

A purposeful realisation consumes Quentin, a mind which was lost in the last two months of campaign and its easy surrender of cities and villages without much confrontation was behind him. He was going to step into his name and his position; Lieutenant Quentin Dussane. Prove his legitimacy to his title and rank and that he is not just holding the position because of his father the decorated colonel, or his brother the seasoned captain. But because I am not weak and worthy of my name and title.

“I will deliver the doctor, captain!”

“Good, it will not be long before we reach Faber’s Keep possibly with more sunlight left than expected, go find and inform your men you choose for the task. Remember discretion is most important.”

“Right away captain.” Maturity is on my horizon.

Quentin kicks his heels in his stirrups to round back to his legion, a deep burning pain sets into his feet again. He knocks down the visor on his bascinet and rides harder. F**k you pain, f**k you weakness! His uncomfortable deep breaths already warming the inside of his helmet. And damn this stupid kiln, I am a Dussane!

This is a nice character study and a study of the relationship between the two men. It is written very well with attention to drawing us into the character of the person. I would definitely read more.

@msstice thanks for taking the time to read this piece, glad you enjoyed it.

The present tense seems to be pulling a lot of people from the story and I am going to have to take a good look at how I am going to approach the POV and tense in a second draft.

Thanks for your comments I've been noting down everything mentioned in comments and intend to go through them all, seeing what will contribute to a better version.

 

[msstice]

We have a small group of writers who are doing an online group at Discord - A New Way to Chat with Friends & Communities . It's a free site to join, so maybe come lurk for a session or two or even dive right in and share your opinions. We are probably close to your description of not being experienced in being in a writers' group, but we do try to provide honest and respectful critiques of each others' writings.

What is the name of the channel? I'd like to join, but I don't see anything when I click on the link. Thank you!

 

[Wayne Mack]

I'm sorry the link didn't work. The channel name is "Brandon's Disciples"

 

[msstice]

@Wayne Mack sorry to bug you - I'm a complete Discord nophyte. I made an account (I'm msstice#6431) and when I search for "Brandon's Disciples" in the Community search bar I get nothing. Thanks.