Sci fi opening -Star Shot Acceleration

[AllanR]

This is the prologue;


Only at night, that's when she came out, and just to the edge. Her path was well concealed; she didn't want to risk losing it. She was safe for the moment as the abomination concentrated on a task; the beast was cunning, though not cunning enough to focus on her at the same time.

She had to be quick, there was never much time. Outside the pressure dome, on the ice lake, she tried to get a sense of the sky. She analyzed the star pattern and the many moons. She needed to know where she was.

Over at the edge of the lake, where the ice scraped against the rock, the abomination fixated on an excavator. This one had broken down again, now half stuck in a crevasse. In the cab the operator sat crumpled, exhausted by the heavy gravity. The abomination directed a maintenance robot to separate the cab from the load and then it pushed the man machine over the edge. The cab crashed silently into the crevasse coming to rest on the rocky shore beside the others, to be ground and dissolved by the forces of time.

She wanted to jump down and help the poor man, show him some mercy. Physically able, she'd been here long enough to adapt and her muscles were developed. Yet this was not a place of mercy, nor pity, nor honour. The fleeting thought of such vices alerted the abomination to her presence.

Another path lost! She fled back to her wilderness, terror fuelled her escape.

 

[DanielOwen]

I read through this a couple of times, and my biggest complaint is that it's not clear. You seem to be going for a certain amount of ambiguity and uncertainty, possibly because it's a prologue and you don't want to give much away (for what it's worth, I reckon this means the prologue can be cut - you're already going out of your way to make it not convey any useful information). However, what you do say is murky and unclear, as much because of the language as anything else.

The first sentence is weak. "She only came out at night, just to the edge." is much stronger and more certain. At the moment, it reads like you're half-saying something, then qualifying it, than qualifying it again. It would be nice to know to the edge of what - it could mean to the edge of a terrain feature, her awareness, her ability to handle environmental conditions, anything. I have no idea, and that's kind of off-putting. Likewise, in the second sentence it seems at first like she is concealing her path to keep it hidden, then maybe it's hidden from her; the meaning upends itself halfway through, and I found that awkward.

The abomination and the beast - same thing? Presumably, but I'm still not sure. It's cunning, but not that cunning. Again, you reverse the sentence halfway through. By this point, I was tired of the constant sentence whiplash. If I was picking this up in a bookshop to check out the first page, this is when I'd have put it down again and moved on.

She is emerging from a pressure dome (I think? Again, unclear) but she doesn't know where the dome or the lake are? She must have gone in; how did she not know where she was if she can analyse stellar positions from the surface? If there is "never" much time, it suggests she's been here before, but still doesn't know?

Then the monster goes after someone else, but she doesn't use the opportunity to escape or find her way or assert her position or do anything useful, despite ostensibly having all of these goals. In fact, since it turns out that the monster can hear her thoughts (I think? Again, not clear), hanging around to watch all of this happen is seemingly suicide, or at least directly contradictory to her goals. So she flees "back to her wilderness" despite having come out of a pressure dome?

Honestly, I have no idea what was supposed to be happening or why. I get the feeling that you do know, but you're trying your best to avoid telling the audience anything, possibly to avoid giving anything away of the main story. I'd say jettison that idea and start showing us things in identifiable ways as soon as you can.

There are a few language nitpicks ("fixated on an excavator" is a little awkward, for example) but for my money this whole prologue needs to be rewritten to be way clearer or possibly just ditched. I can't see any way it adds anything to a story - I didn't get any real idea of character, setting or anything else. I get the impression that the ideas are there; let us see them - an arty prologue is no use if a reader won't get through it to the real story.

Good luck with it and keep going!

 

[msstice]

It's well written. It is mysterious. It makes me want to read more, but there is not enough of it to form a deeper impression. Presumably some things will be made clearer later

- I thought she was well hidden, but having a pressure dome seems like a very visible thing that the abomination should be able to detect
- "man machine" wasn't sure this was a typo or intentional.
- It seems this is apocalyptic. If so, why is there a dude casually running an excavator out in the open in the middle of mortal danger?

 

[Toby Frost]

Overall, I agree with DanielOwen on this one. The writing's fine, but it feels too deliberately obtuse. That vagueness is pushing me away, rather than drawing me in. I think it would work better if it was a little clearer. Say you said clearly that this "abomination" is a rogue computer. I don't think the passage would lose anything for doing so: in fact, I'd have more to wonder about - how it turned rogue, what it's done, and so on.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I am a little unclear as to why this would be a prologue as opposed to an introductory chapter. Given the ambiguity and even inconsistencies in the description of the environment, I get the impression that this is a 'werewolf' type story where She is the Abomination or perhaps this is supposed to be a dream sequence. If not, then the description needs to be more consistent.

At first she is at the edge of something and it is dark enough that she is concerned about remaining on the path, but then she is out on an ice lake and has a clear view of the open sky. It is implied that she has left the pressure dome, and she knows that the excavator has broken down before, but at the end she retreats back into 'her wilderness.' The man is at the edge of a lake, yet is also thrown down a non-flooded crevice. It is also curious that the abomination is using maintenance robots to attack the excavator operator and has done so repeatedly, implying some sort of technological commonality between the two. Lastly, there appears to be no justification for her having lost her path.

A prologue should set up what is to follow, but be distinct from it for some reason. If this is a physical description of an actual event, the description needs to be self-consistent. If it is an opening dream sequence, it would probably be more appropriate as the opening scene in the first chapter. If it is supposed to be a split-personality type thing, I would expect the first chapter would start with some other character, probably within the pressure dome, and at some time in the future from these events.

 

[AllanR]

Thanks for all the replies. Yes it is intentionally vague, I was trying to avoid an early info dump Great pointers for a rewrite.

It gets revealed as the story progresses, here is the situation I am trying to convey.

The protagonist is mentally shackled, the abomination is her interior guardian (an AI) and controls much of her action. She is a prisoner on a high gee airless world and she is one of the guards via the abomination. She can only safely be aware of her surroundings when it is distracted. Her paths (and wilderness) are the parts of her mind the abomination can't effect. The excavator's operator is another prisoner.

The main part of the story is the rescue effort of her friends.

I see that my switch from mentalscape and landscape needs to be much more distinct.

 

[AllanR]

Here is a rewrite:

Tayo came to the edge of her mind. Any further she would be discovered. She'd concealed her path well and didn't want to lose it, there were few remaining. She was safe while the abomination concentrated on a task, it couldn't search for her at the same time, its programming was too crude. She had to be quick, there was never much time.

Each moment exposed ran the risk of alerting the abomination. She'd remained hidden since the start of the subjugation, the abomination controlled her body yet her mind was free. If it caught her....

Outside the pressure dome, on the ice lake; here she tried to get a sense of the sky. She analyzed what she could of the star pattern, she only got glimpses each time. She wanted to know what planet she was on.

Over at the edge of the lake, where the ice scraped the rock, the abomination inspected an excavator. This one had broken down again, now half stuck in a crevasse. In the cab the prisoner sat crumpled, exhausted by the heavy gravity. The abomination directed a maintenance robot to separate the cab from the load and it pushed the man over the edge. The cab crashed silently into the crevasse and came to rest on the rocky shore beside the others, to be ground and dissolved by the forces of time.

She wanted to jump down and help the poor man, show him some mercy. Physically able, she'd been here long enough to adapt and her muscles were developed. Yet this was not a place of mercy, nor pity, nor honour. The fleeting thought of such vices alerted the abomination to her presence.

It spotted her! Another path lost! Tayo fled back into her mind's wilderness, terror fuelled her escape.

 

[DanielOwen]

This is already much, much better, IMO. I have a better idea of what is happening, what the stakes are, what the protagonist wants and what the immediate problems facing her are. With that, most of my feedback is now into nitpick territory. Comments in bold.

Tayo came to the edge of her mind. Any further she would be discovered. She'd concealed her path well and didn't want to lose it, there were few remaining [It's not 100% clear what there are too few of remaining - paths? If so, maybe use a word like 'route' instead?]. She was safe while the abomination concentrated on a task, it couldn't search for her at the same time, its programming was too crude. She had to be quick, there was never much time. [Is she safe because the abomination can only do one thing at a time, or is she at risk of being discovered because she is too close to the edge? These things seem contradictory.]

Each moment exposed ran the risk of alerting the abomination. She'd remained hidden since the start of the subjugation, the abomination controlled her body yet her mind was free. If it caught her.... [Too many abominations - you can say 'it' for some of these - there is only Tayo and the monster so far, so it's not confusing. Also abomination - subjugation - abomination: too many laborious words in a row, makes the prose a little heavy in places. Kill the last sentence; we get that she doesn't want to be caught and that it will be bad if she is; the 'if....' doesn't add anything.]

Outside the pressure dome, on the ice lake; here she tried to get a sense of the sky. She analyzed what she could of the star pattern, she only got glimpses each time. She wanted to know what planet she was on. [Nice. Maybe tell us why she can only see glimpses of the stars - clouds? Easy to drop in a tiny bit of extra description here. I suggest 'needed' instead of 'wanted' for extra urgency.]

Over at the edge of the lake, where the ice scraped the rock, the abomination inspected an excavator. This one had broken down again, now half stuck in a crevasse. In the cab the prisoner sat crumpled, exhausted by the heavy gravity. The abomination directed a maintenance robot to separate the cab from the load and it pushed the man over the edge. The cab crashed silently into the crevasse and came to rest on the rocky shore beside the others, to be ground and dissolved by the forces of time. [Broken down again? As in this has happened before but the abomination didn't destroy it? I don't understand this. Given that the whole thing is a lot clearer, I'm willing to work through a bit of mystery here, but it could be easier. I suggest a little description of the maintenance robot - is it a spider of articulated limbs, a rolling sphere studded with lights, a floating tangle of lenses and tool-arms? Just a couple of words so we know a bit of what we're seeing. The man could react a little too, so we appreciate his fate more - beg, wheeze, moan, something. Let us see *why* Tayo wants to help him - what is it that provokes her empathy so?]

She wanted to jump down and help the poor man, show him some mercy. Physically able, she'd been here long enough to adapt and her muscles were developed. Yet this was not a place of mercy, nor pity, nor honour. The fleeting thought of such vices alerted the abomination to her presence. [I'd suggest a rework of this para. She's been thinking the whole time - we know because she's the POV character - so it's not the thinking that betrayed her, per se. It seems that her mistake was actually watching too long, so the abomination finished its task and started scanning again.]

It spotted her! Another path lost! Tayo fled back into her mind's wilderness, terror fuelled her escape. [Cut the first sentence; we already know it's been alerted.]

Big progress here; this feels like a much more solid, more interesting draft. Makes me want to read on instead of move on. Good work!

 

[AllanR]

Thanks again DanielOwen for the excellent critique.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I think this is an interesting point of view and, as a reader, I would like to see it revisited throughout the story and not relegated to a prologue and perhaps epilogue. To fully engage the reader, I feel that a very limited third person (or even first person) would work best. Take care to limit the focus to what would be directly seen and known by the protagonist.

Tayo came to the edge of her mind. Any further she would be discovered. She'd concealed her path well and didn't want to lose it, there were few remaining. She was safe while the abomination concentrated on a task, it couldn't search for her at the same time, its programming was too crude. [Would Tayo know the level of programming involved?] She had to be quick, there was never much time.

Each moment exposed ran the risk of alerting the abomination. She'd remained hidden since the start of the subjugation, the abomination controlled her body yet her mind was free. If it caught her....

Outside the pressure dome, on the ice lake; [This seems to be a shift to an external point of view. At best, Tayo would see what the abomination saw.] here she tried to get a sense of the sky. She analyzed what she could of the star pattern, she only got glimpses each time. She wanted to know what planet she was on. [It would be useful to explain how much Tayo can control head position to be able to look at the night sky without alerting the abomination. Perhaps she can provide a momentary tic to redirect the head without alerting it?]

Over at the edge of the lake, where the ice scraped the rock, the abomination inspected an excavator. [This is a shift back to an external point of view.] This one had broken down again, [If Tayo does not even know the planet she is on and is staying hidden inside her mind, how would she know how frequently the excavator had broken down?] now half stuck in a crevasse. In the cab the prisoner [It is not likely that Tayo would know the status of the person inside.] sat crumpled, exhausted by the heavy gravity. The abomination directed a maintenance robot to separate the cab from the load and it pushed the man over the edge. The cab crashed silently into the crevasse and came to rest on the rocky shore beside the others, to be ground and dissolved by the forces of time.

She wanted to jump down [until now, Tayo's movements have been inside her head. It should be explicitly stated that she wanted to take control of the body and jump down.] and help the poor man, show him some mercy. Physically able, she'd been here long enough to adapt and her muscles were developed. Yet this was not a place of mercy, nor pity, nor honour. The fleeting thought of such vices alerted the abomination to her presence.

It spotted her! Another path lost! Tayo fled back into her mind's wilderness, terror fuelled her escape.

I hope this does not look like a lot of mark up. I think having a point of view of someone trapped in a shared mind would be extremely powerful and I want to encourage to make this POV work. I really, really like this idea and would like to see how the story develops.

 

[AllanR]

I would like to see it revisited throughout the story and not relegated to a prologue and perhaps epilogue.

It is explored further in the book, though not for some time (I put it as a prologue since the main characters for the first half do not know what happened to her, she only gets pov again once she is rescued and unshackled.
I like the idea of making this first person, I'm generally hesitant, yet for this part it might work.

Perhaps she can provide a momentary tic to redirect the head without alerting it? ---perfect! That fits to how she could get discovered..she accidentally tenses her leg to try to jump

Thanks, I'm getting a much better grasp of how to convey what I want to. The red mark-ups are encouraging!

 

[AllanR]

I did two rewrites. One in third and one in first.
3rd:

Tayo snuck to the edge of her mind. She concealed this path well, early on she'd lost most of her routes and now had few remaining. From this vantage she could see and hear. Yet it was dangerous, any further in and she would be instantly discovered. She'd learned when it was safe; while the abomination concentrated on a task it couldn't search for her; its programming was too crude. She had to be quick, there was never much time.

Each moment exposed ran the risk of alerting it. She'd remained hidden from the start of her subjugation, it controlled her body and a portion of her mind, yet she, herself, was free.

It took them outside the pressure dome and they crossed the ice lake; here she tried to get a sense of the sky. Tayo used what little control she had to force a tic and flashed their eyes up, she was rewarded with a glimpse. She analyzed what she saw of the star pattern, she needed to know what planet she was on.

Now at the edge of the lake, where the ice scraped the rock, the abomination inspected an excavator. This one had broken down, they never lasted long as the harsh environment constantly took its ruinous toll. The machine was stopped at the edge of a crevasse. In the cab the prisoner sat crumpled, exhausted by the heavy gravity. The prisoner looked right at them and pleaded with wide eyes. Unmoved, the abomination directed a small swarm of maintenance drones to separate the cab from the load and they pushed it, with the man still inside, over the edge. The cab crashed silently into the crevasse and came to rest on the rocky shore beside the others, to be ground and dissolved by the forces of time.

She wanted to jump down and help the poor man, to show him some mercy. Her body was physically able, she'd been here long enough to adapt and her muscles were developed. Overwhelmed with pity she lost control for a moment, her thoughts of mercy as she imagined helping the man triggered a slight tension in her leg muscles. The abomination felt this, at once it turned its attention toward her.

Another path lost! Tayo fled back into her mind's wilderness, terror fuelled her escape.

1st:

I snuck to the edge of my mind. I concealed this path well as I'd lost far too many early on. The beast, no, the abomination, was cunning. From there I could see and hear, yet it was dangerous, any further and I would be instantly discovered. I'd learned when it was safe; while the abomination concentrated on a task it couldn't search for me; its programming was too crude. I had to be quick, there was never much time.

Each moment exposed I ran the risk of alerting it. I'd remained hidden since the start of my subjugation, it controlled my body and a portion of my mind, yet I, myself, was free.

It took us outside the pressure dome and we crossed the ice lake; here I tried to get a sense of the sky. I used what little control I had and forced a tic, this flashed my eyes up. For the effort I was rewarded with a glimpse. I analyzed what I saw of the star pattern, I needed to know what planet I was on.

We were now at the edge of the lake, where the ice scraped the rock; my captor inspected an excavator. This one had broken down, they never lasted long, the harsh environment constantly took its ruinous toll. The machine was stopped at the edge of a crevasse. In the cab the prisoner sat crumpled, exhausted by the heavy gravity. The prisoner looked right at me and pleaded with wide eyes. My heart broke right there.

Uncaring, the abomination directed a small swarm of maintenance drones to separate the cab from the load and they pushed it over the edge with the man still inside. The cab crashed silently into the crevasse and came to rest on the rocky shore beside the others, to be ground and dissolved by the forces of time.

I wanted to jump down and help the poor man, to show him some mercy. My body was able, I'd been there long enough, my muscles were developed. Overwhelmed with pity I lost control for a moment. My thoughts of mercy, as I imagined helping the man, triggered a slight tension in my leg muscles. The abomination felt this, at once it turned its attention toward me.

Another path lost! I fled back into my mind's wilderness, terror fuelled my escape.