A bitter scene of defeat and torture (946 words)

[Flaviosky]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share this scene with you, after trying to incorporate the feedback recieved from my opening scene. This time i'm trying to portrait a disastrous outcome of the final battle against a sadistic foe (I mention it because I'm hoping to make that clear in the scene). I'm also trying to see a) How I'm getting the flow of battle scenes and b) If the text transmits the bitter sense of despair I'm looking for. I also seem to have issues in laying out the omniscient narrator corectly, so any feedback will be highly appreciated.

Thanks!

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Grunts of pain and exhaustion create a bitter echo, like a wicked lullaby to Arck’s slow and heavy march towards Isalvine. Her are are down and her tired eyes get filled with terror as she crawls away from Rina’s dead body "Come here, worthless animal…" Arck says, before grabbing her fox tail with hatred, breaking it under his fist "Noooo!" she screams in pain as he pulls, before having both of Arck’s hands on her throat.

"Let’s hear some of those screams again, slut…" he says, while casting black fire on his hands, burning her skin while choking her.

Isalvine trembles, unable to breathe, tears bursting down her eyes under the burning pain

“Leave her!!" Raffale’s despair fuels his broken body, casting his iridescent aura, ready to attack, but a fierce knee strike makes his spirit magic disappear and his blood to rush out from his mouth. Arck’s attacks are restless, dashing like a red mist with his crimson aura “Forget about healing, filthy scoundrel…” he says, grabbing Raffale by his throat and encrusting him against the tiles, with his screams of pain drowning his fading power.

Arck doesn’t seem amused, but bored "I’ll kill you as I should have done in the beginning…" he says, “Arrrrrrrgh!” Raffale could scream louder, but his lungs get emptied after each of Arck’s heavy, slow and brutal fists, mixing with the sound of the tiles breaking below him and his shattering bones.

Bitter minutes linger after each of Arck’s blows as everyone lays on the ground, exhausted and hurt. Arck takes a piece of Hugh's axe from the ground, laying it on Raffale’s bloody and trembling chest.

"Mwahahaha, it’s like the good old times, isn’t it?!" his laugher quickly gets muted by Raffale’s screams of agony, feeling the arcane fire melting the metal against his skin

Valerie stands up, her legs temble "Leave him alone!!" she charges, Arck smiles, dodging, punching, grabbing her by her throat and encrusting her fiercely against the tiles, next to Raffale “I told you, miserable insect! Know your ****ing place!” he shouts, starting to punch her as well.

Her loud and ragged crying echoes all around.

Valerie’s ears are down, covered in blood as Arck pulls her hair and leaves her bloody face hanging over Raffale’s “Ra...ffale…” - drops of blood and tears fall on his skin, mixing with his own tears " Come on, pretty boy! Your pitiful bravery is not that useful now, isn’t it?!" Arck laughs, starting to squeeze Valerie’s tail repeatedly, crushing it multiple times as she screams in pain, but her breathing and her crying is clumsy, as she starts losing consciousness.

"Leave...them..alone…" Natalie says, reaching them, thrusting her sword. Arck’s murderous eyes fix on her while dodging her attack " Hehe...I’ll enjoy this…" he says, grabbing her hair and pulling her face against his knee, before leaving her next to Valerie and Raffale with her nose broken and bleeding profusely "I told you I’d rip your guts out…" Arck says, resuming the battery, punching them slower, but harder

Their loud and ragged crying echoes all around.

"Don’t hurt her!" Nalytze stands up and runs to protect them, triggering her violet aura "I guess I’ll just finish the job, hehe…" Arck says, dodging her tired strike, his right fist covered in black fire hitting her gut and his left palm laid on her remaining eye, she can feel her skull cracking under his fingers, before feeling the scorching heat of his black fire on her eye. Her tears of panic turn into vapor "Noooooooo!" she screams, but his magic gets interrupted by Gareth, tackling Arck, while Nalytze falls to the ground coughing blood "This ends now, Arck!" he yells, breathing heavily "I couldn’t agree more…" Arck smiles, before casting black thunder, Gareth’s muscles cramp "….Damn….You!" he says, seeing Arck approaching slowly "Shut your knightly mouth already…" Arck says, before casting a pillar of black fire, making Gareth fall meters away, with his clothes and hair still smoking.

" ...Where was I? Right...gut-ripping…" Arck warms his fists while walking towards Raffale, Natalie and Valerie “I’m...so...sorry…” he cries, barely conscious and trembling strongly, encountering the hopeless gaze of the women he loves so much, touching each other’s sticky hands, covered in blood.

Diane trembles, battered, crying desperately. Victor and Philippe fainted from exhaustion before being able to finish their healing when all this nightmare began. Her hopless gaze fixed on Luomn'yren, lying by her side, knowing that the sword has always rejected her; A painful reminder of her lack of worth now turned into the most bitter defeat.

Memories of the scourge that Raffale received in Weignard strike her mind, flashes of Isalvine's suffering with Arck, Natalie’ bloody face when Daniel captured her, Valerie's hollow gaze accepting her death with the arcane wizard in Löhlnikuun, everything comes as a vivid torment after each of her friends’ screams of agony and the sound of their coughing, drowning in their own blood.

Arck lays his hand on Natalie’s groin, her whole body trembles after all the battery, she’s completely terrified, her face covered in tears and blood. He comes closer, amused "Interesting thing I found in Daniel’s memories...He was told that someone tried filthy things on you..." Arck says, as he casts his arcane aura on his hand. She feels her skin warm under her clothes.

Arck’s amusement turns into a sordid smile " ...I wonder what would happen If I…" he says, his aura turns into black fire "Noooooooooo!" Natalie’s screams after feeling the unholy burn are just a reflex of her life that withers.

"STOP!! I’M THE LOOSE END OF THE ROYAL FAMILY, IT’S ME WHO YOU WANT!" Diane shouts in tears.

 

[tinkerdan]

Lots of action, even if it is mostly one sided.
After a quick read through.
Some thoughts.
Maybe I'm missing something.

Your characters seem extremely passive and I suppose that if they were all beaten down to near unconsciousness that would make sense.
However some of them get up and even attack-yet they do so passively.

I recall the day my dog, Ginger, caught the rabbit. First time I'd heard one squeal. Never knew they could make that much noise. The rabbit's head and neck were limp in her jaw; however, every other muscle was taught--ready to run the moment Ginger let go. When she did, he rabbited, and ginger, unfortunately for the rabbit, was too fast and this time I heard the neck snap.

They should be running away or toward and if toward then they should have fists raised or claws out and a bit of action. Otherwise they should all just be depleted on the ground unable to move or somehow all handcuffed or shackled if they are unable to fight.

Maybe I'm not reading the scene right.

On another note;
you have a couple of times that people are:
' encrusting him against the tiles'
encrusted onto tiles.
This might be the wrong word unless they are scabbing up fast and drying onto the tiles.

Maybe --crushed--???

 

[Tawariell]

Somehow it is a little bit hard for me to read. Either because the paragraphs are all crammed together, and the sentences are very long— or because there is so much explaining going on in a single sentence that I can't seem to make up what is going on anymore.

The first paragraph was already quite hard to follow, and I had to read it twice to understand what was going on;

Grunts of pain and exhaustion create a bitter echo, like a wicked lullaby to Arck’s slow and heavy march towards Isalvine. Her are are down and her tired eyes get filled with terror as she crawls away from Rina’s dead body "Come here, worthless animal…" Arck says, before grabbing her fox tail with hatred, breaking it under his fist "Noooo!" she screams in pain as he pulls, before having both of Arck’s hands on her throat.

The sentence in bold, for example, was a bit overwhelming for me;

“Leave her!!" Raffale’s despair fuels his broken body, casting his iridescent aura, ready to attack, but a fierce knee strike makes his spirit magic disappear and his blood to rush out from his mouth. Arck’s attacks are restless, dashing like a red mist with his crimson aura “Forget about healing, filthy scoundrel…” he says, grabbing Raffale by his throat and encrusting him against the tiles, with his screams of pain drowning his fading power.

There was so much explaining in the entire text (perhaps overexplaining) that it drew my attention away from the actual scene. Sometimes it is okay to use "straight-to-the-point" or simple and short sentences, especially during an action scene, to make is easy to follow. I see what you're doing, and it is beautiful what you are trying to do, but it takes away my attention from what is going on in the scene.

English is not my first language, so take it with a pinch of salt

 

[Flaviosky]

Somehow it is a little bit hard for me to read. Either because the paragraphs are all crammed together, and the sentences are very long— or because there is so much explaining going on in a single sentence that I can't seem to make up what is going on anymore.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to chop things a little and separate explanation from action. As for the explanation, I'm trying to transmit brutallity from the agressor and bitterness from the victims, so I'd gladly accept suggestions to manage so without making it too much.

 

[Flaviosky]

However some of them get up and even attack-yet they do so passively.

Thanks for the comment. Indeed the characters are all beaten up, yet some of them try to do something about it (without having a chance). I'll try to add a bit so the reader sees a more active role from that, despite being futile.

 

[Tawariell]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to chop things a little and separate explanation from action. As for the explanation, I'm trying to transmit brutallity from the agressor and bitterness from the victims, so I'd gladly accept suggestions to manage so without making it too much.

You're already doing way better than me haha. I'm afraid I won't be able to give you the best advice, for I myself am still not satisfied with my own writing in English.

The story sounds very interesting though. Keen to share what it is about?

 

[Wayne Mack]

Unfortunately, I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of characters introduced and the brevity of the story in dealing with each one. I really got no idea of what the overall story is about, only that the protagonist is not a likeable character. I felt no insight into why the protagonist acted the way he did nor did I see enough about the victims to feel concern about their fate.

I suspect that there is probably a more detailed background in your mind, but I felt that there was too much presented too tersely for me, as a reader, to grasp what are the significant plot points now why I should care about any the characters.

I would be interested in seeing a different presentation of this. As best I can determine, the key points are: there is an animalistic race, there is some form of magic, and the magic wielders and the animal race are at war.

 

[Flaviosky]

Unfortunately, I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of characters introduced and the brevity of the story in dealing with each one. I really got no idea of what the overall story is about, only that the protagonist is not a likeable character. I felt no insight into why the protagonist acted the way he did nor did I see enough about the victims to feel concern about their fate.

I suspect that there is probably a more detailed background in your mind, but I felt that there was too much presented too tersely for me, as a reader, to grasp what are the significant plot points now why I should care about any the characters.

I would be interested in seeing a different presentation of this. As best I can determine, the key points are: there is an animalistic race, there is some form of magic, and the magic wielders and the animal race are at war.

Yeah, I kind of feared that considering that this is the final battle (so the characters are self evident at this point), hoping to see some feedback more in the field of structure and atmosphere rather than plot given the zero background I provided. A few bits.

- Diane is the protagonist. Arck is actually an antagonist, being an evil specter using Daniel's body (the main antagonist), and he already beaten the same people to almost death early in the story (also breaking Valerie's tail on purpose) but Raffale unleashed his iridescent aura thanks to his sword called Luomn'yren, a legendary weapon, to defeat him and save the day.

- There is an animalistic race, featuring fox, cat, wolf or lion features.

- There is magic, in this case, "auras" that enhance the wielder's powers, including arcane magic, that is magic went corrupt.

For more background, I'll answer @Tawariell , as he asked some of it. I hope it helps

 

[Flaviosky]

The story sounds very interesting though. Keen to share what it is about?

Of course! Well, I have sort of of synopsis following the guidelines I've found in the forum, but that will be a 500 word piece that I'll have being torn to pieces in the Critiques forum eventually. I'll try to be brief.

The story is about Diane, princess of Clysse that went to exile after Daniel, a military general, killing the king a seizing the throne. She then goes to a trip through the continent of Algalord (a trip that ends being way longer than expected) to recruit allies in secrecy and return to her kingdom. In paralell, Arck is a ruthless Colonel that helped Daniel but later gets betrayed by him, escaping to Algalord to avoid execution. Once there he meets Raffale, just a silversmith and trader and Isalvine, a priestess' apprentice, doing a pilgrimage that ends with a massacre when Arck finds out about arcane magic and this sword of fairytales (Luomn'yren) that would help him to get stronger and get his revenge, but his plan fails and Raffale ends up with the sword but without memory, meeting Valerie who is a newly rectuited member of Diane's team.

The scene is the concluding battle once Diane and her friends finally return to the palace she fled in the beginning, but Arck is now an arcane specter using the general's body and power, added to his own wicked might.

 

[Flaviosky]

Grunts of pain and exhaustion create a bitter echo, like a wicked lullaby to Arck’s slow and heavy march towards Isalvine. Her are are down and her tired eyes get filled with terror as she crawls away from Rina’s dead body "Come here, worthless animal…" Arck says, before grabbing her fox tail with hatred, breaking it under his fist "Noooo!" she screams in pain as he pulls, before having both of Arck’s hands on her throat.

The sentence in bold, for example, was a bit overwhelming for me;

“Leave her!!" Raffale’s despair fuels his broken body, casting his iridescent aura, ready to attack, but a fierce knee strike makes his spirit magic disappear and his blood to rush out from his mouth. Arck’s attacks are restless, dashing like a red mist with his crimson aura “Forget about healing, filthy scoundrel…” he says, grabbing Raffale by his throat and encrusting him against the tiles, with his screams of pain drowning his fading power.

May this be a little better for both paragraphs?

Diane kneels and falls again, biting the dust as the grunts of pain and exhaustion of her friends create a bitter echo, like a wicked lullaby to Arck’s slow and heavy march towards Isalvine. Her furry ears are down and her tired eyes get filled with terror as she crawls away from Rina’s dead body, seeing Arck coming.

"Come here, worthless animal…" Arck says, grabbing her fox tail with hatred, breaking under his fist, pulling her closer.

"Noooo...Argh….gh...!" she screams in pain, before having his hands squeezing her throat.

Raffale stands up in despair, casting his iridescent aura, ready to attack “Leave her!!" he shouts, but Arck’s fierce knee strike makes his spirit magic disappear and his blood to rush out from his mouth.

“Forget about healing, filthy scoundrel…” he says, grabbing Raffale by his throat and embedding him against the tiles.

Thanks a lot!