Part 1 of The Duel of Five Thieves

[Lafayette]

Below are the paragraphs preceding the paragraphs of my last post. I didn't include it for it exceeded the word limit. There is much more than this, but it has little or nothing to do with the duel. I just hope this helps.

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“Percy, get your sorry ass down here!” bellowed Lawrence. “As usual, you’re the last to bring up the rear.”

“Yes, I know, and I’m sorry, sir knight,” replied the portly Percy, panting.

“Sorry, doesn’t cut it. You’re causing delays. We need to find the Elvenwood before the king’s coronation.”

“I know I know. I’m doing my best, mon chevalier. I’m not accustomed to riding horses. I have always had a problem with my balance.”

“You should be used to it by now,” snapped the redhead. “After all, you’ve fallen from your horse four times in three days.. You know what I’m going to do?” whined Lawrence. “I’m not going to wait for you anymore. You’re just going to have to catch up with us if we’re ten miles ahead of you, too bad!”

Turning his mount, Snorter, he raised his hand, and shouted, “Quest double time and forward ho!”

 

[Wayne Mack]

I like the idea of a pacifist protagonist and it sets the stage for some interesting ways to resolve conflict and difficulties.

A couple of general comments, first. I felt that the introduction could benefit from a little more tension. This could be added by specifying the time until the coronation and and the consequences if they fail to retrieve the Elvenwood.

I am also curious as to why Percy would be included in the quest. He does not appear to want to be on it and Lawrence does not appear to want him to be on it. The explanation does not necessarily need to be in these opening scenes, it could be deferred to where it best fits the story flow.

Below, I have inserted some line by line comments. These suggestions reflect my admittedly terse style, so you will have to take them with a grain of salt and determine which, if any, fit your writing style.

“Percy, get your sorry ass down here!” bellowed Lawrence. “As usual, you’re the last to bring up the rear.”

As we later learn they are riding on horses on presumably level ground, the reference to coming down confused me. In the last sentence, I do feel having both 'last' and 'bringing up the rear' are necessary and the inclusion leads to a somewhat awkward phrasing.

“Yes, I know, and I’m sorry, sir knight,” replied the portly Percy, panting.

“Sorry, doesn’t cut it. You’re causing delays. We need to find the Elvenwood before the king’s coronation.”

In the following sections, they are searching for 'Magicwood.' I think I like the term, 'Elvenwood', better, but it should be consistent.

“I know I know. I’m doing my best, mon chevalier. I’m not accustomed to riding horses. I have always had a problem with my balance.”

“You should be used to it by now,” snapped the redhead. “After all, you’ve fallen from your horse four times in three days.. You know what I’m going to do?” whined Lawrence. “I’m not going to wait for you anymore. You’re just going to have to catch up with us if we’re ten miles ahead of you, too bad!”

I do not think two dialog tags are needed. I would drop the 'whined Lawrence'. I also suggest moving the 'snapped the redhead' to follow 'four times in three days.' This is where there would be a more natural break in Lawrence's speech.

Turning his mount, Snorter, he raised his hand, and shouted, “Quest double time and forward ho!”

At first read, it was unclear as to whether the 'he' referred to Percy or Lawrence. I suggest substituting 'Lawrence' for clarity.

I will try to add some comments on parts two and three, but that will not be until later. I think you have an interesting characterization and it will be interesting to see him get into and out of trouble.

 

[Lafayette]

I like the idea of a pacifist protagonist and it sets the stage for some interesting ways to resolve conflict and difficulties.
I like the conflict too and as the story moves along both parties get on each others nerves more and more.

A couple of general comments, first. I felt that the introduction could benefit from a little more tension. This could be added by specifying the time until the coronation and and the consequences if they fail to retrieve the Elvenwood.

The consequences are introduced in the first few chapters of the novel, however since you mentioned it, perhaps repeating it maybe a good idea. I have subconsciously omitted a deadline so I wouldn't be too constrained. The consequence will be that Lawrence, his father the duke, the dukedom, and the kingdom will lose glory. This may seem trivial to us, but it is a big deal to them.

I am also curious as to why Percy would be included in the quest.

He does not appear to want to be on it and Lawrence does not appear to want him to be on it. The explanation does not necessarily need to be in these opening scenes, it could be deferred to where it best fits the story flow.

According to the legend only the builder of the guitar can bring out the magical qualities of Magicwood. Percy is the greatest luthier on the continent. Lawrence's mission is to find the Magicwood and to protect Percy. One of the problems is Percy doesn't believe in the existence of Magicwood.

Below, I have inserted some line by line comments. These suggestions reflect my admittedly terse style, so you will have to take them with a grain of salt and determine which, if any, fit your writing style.


As we later learn they are riding on horses on presumably level ground, the reference to coming down confused me. In the last sentence, I do feel having both 'last' and 'bringing up the rear' are necessary and the inclusion leads to a somewhat awkward phrasing.

I'll see what I can do to clarify this.

In the following sections, they are searching for 'Magicwood.' I think I like the term, 'Elvenwood',

I do too.

better, but it should be consistent.

Agreed.

I do not think two dialog tags are needed. I would drop the 'whined Lawrence'.

I know two people, when angry, whine asking a question. I think it is an interesting character trait. Perhaps it would sound better if I wrote, "angerly whined"?

.I also suggest moving the 'snapped the redhead' to follow 'four times in three days.' This is where there would be a more natural break in Lawrence's speech.
Can do.
At first read, it was unclear as to whether the 'he' referred to Percy or Lawrence. I suggest substituting 'Lawrence' for clarity.

Will do.

I will try to add some comments on parts two and three, but that will not be until later. I think you have an interesting characterization and it will be interesting to see him get into and out of trouble.

Thank you for your comments and am looking forward to some more. In the meantime, I will study the ones you have given.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I think making Percy a luthier adds an interesting component to his character and it might nice to introduce that as we first meet him. Just a brainstorm idea: perhaps having Percy strumming, tuning, and playing an instrument might make a better explanation for him being slowing. Constantly falling off his horse makes him seem somewhat of an oaf, while being passionate about instruments makes him feel to be a stronger character.

 

[Lafayette]

I think making Percy a luthier adds an interesting component to his character and it might nice to introduce that as we first meet him. Just a brainstorm idea: perhaps having Percy strumming, tuning, and playing an instrument might make a better explanation for him being slowing. Constantly falling off his horse makes him seem somewhat of an oaf, while being passionate about instruments makes him feel to be a stronger character.

I'm glad you like the luthier idea. In the first chapter, I have Percy listening to his troubadour friend playing a newly created guitar and making knowledgeable comments. Percy himself is a talented guitarist, but is humble about it.

This same troubadour is one that believes in Magicwood and has persuaded the duke to force Percy (much to his displeasure) on the quest.

Unbeknownst to Lawrence Percy has snug in a small guitar in his camping gear and has on several occasions played it and once on Lawrence direction.

 

[Lafayette]

I think making Percy a luthier adds an interesting component to his character and it might nice to introduce that as we first meet him. Just a brainstorm idea: perhaps having Percy strumming, tuning, and playing an instrument might make a better explanation for him being slowing. Constantly falling off his horse makes him seem somewhat of an oaf, while being passionate about instruments makes him feel to be a stronger character.

One other comment: Lawrence wouldn't allow Percy to the guitar while riding, especially if it caused him to fall off his horse.

 

[PadreTX]

This is my first critique, so please bear with me.

“Percy, get your sorry ass down here!”

When I read that, I interpreted Percy was above, such as second story of a building. I would think over would be the better word than down.

mon chevalier

If Lawrence has numerous titles, I don't see a problem with it. I wonder if it would be better to say "Sir Knight" again, or "Sir Lawrence". If Percy is not allowed to say "Lawrence", then it is more understandable on why "Mon Chevalier" is used.

You know what I’m going to do?” whined Lawrence.

In this conversation between the two, before the word "whined" was use, it seemed Percy was the character doing the whining. I wonder if "stated angrily" would be a better word than "whined".

A few good points though. This is easily read. There is no stoppage on what was that?, or where is this going, or I'm lost. The two characters interact in a way that keeps the interest.

Again, this is my first critique. I hope this helps, at least a little.

 

[Lafayette]

This is my first critique, so please bear with me.

Thank you for your comments. PadreTX. I welcome your comments negative and/or positive.

When I read that, I interpreted Percy was above, such as second story of a building. I would think over would be the better word than down.

Percy and Lawrence are riding in hilly country. Lawrence is on lower ground and Percy is behind, but on higher ground hence the 'get your ass down here."

If Lawrence has numerous titles, I don't see a problem with it. I wonder if it would be better to say "Sir Knight" again, or "Sir Lawrence". If Percy is not allowed to say "Lawrence", then it is more understandable on why "Mon Chevalier" is used.

This story is originally in a semi-French culture.

In this conversation between the two, before the word "whined" was use, it seemed Percy was the character doing the whining. I wonder if "stated angrily" would be a better word than "whined".

Lawrence was the original complainer, because Percy kept falling from his horse which is why he was whining. It is possible for a person to whine angerly. I know from personal experience. And, yes Percy did complain in reply at which point, Lawrence left him behind again.

A few good points though. This is easily read. There is no stoppage on what was that?, or where is this going, or I'm lost. The two characters interact in a way that keeps the interest.

Again, this is my first critique. I hope this helps, at least a little.

I'm glad to hear my writing isn't hard to read.