Shapes In Silver - Opening (884 words)

[DanielOwen]

Hey all, so I've hit my 30 and it's time to throw up some work. This is the opening of the fantasy novel I'm working on, working title "Shapes In Silver". From my entries in the writing challenges so far, I'm learning quickly that I have a tendency to under-explain, but there is lots more explanation and exposition to come in this longer work, so with this I'm mainly interested in whether it's interesting enough that you'd read on. I'm open to any and all feedback, however; all comments, questions, suggestions, etc. gratefully received.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read.

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I want to tell you everything but there is no time left. These are the last moments I will be myself until the other side of the glass, and by then so much will have happened that it will not matter any more who I was.

What to tell you - I was born thirteen Turnings ago, kept by my birth mother. I say her and not my father because-

This is taking too long. Catch, the crag-faced Blood Gardener, is leaning over me, casting a deep shadow. A fiery heartbeat pulses inside the murky blue crystal protruding two fingers’ width from his temple. They say the roots of those shards run deeper. Much deeper. The skin around the stone is cracked, flaking and dry.

Struggling does no good, my brothers are stronger than I and they are pulling so tight that the leather bites into me. I cannot move my head to look, but I imagine the blood-swollen flesh around the straps splitting and withering, petrifying to dry, desolate bluffs.

My history is not my self; I need something to leave a trace of me, like a footprint in sand. If I can press it deep enough, perhaps the tides will not erase it. Something important, then; a weight of significance to make its mark indelible.

I am the Remembrancer-Elect of The Final Church of Akola, Giver of All Things, Knowing Mast-

Stupid. That, if nothing else of me, will be recorded.

Catch’s eyes roll back, showing thick-veined orbs the colour of powdered limestone as he chants ordinations in the tongue of the gods. He smells like blood and earth, or perhaps the blood is mine. His fingers are cold and stiff, gouging at my forehead as they probe for the most auspicious site.

Father will not save me. I swivel my eyes and he paces up and down my peripheral vision, chanting prayers and rattling his holy beads in their drum. He would not stop this if he could; his god has commanded it. His god who sleeps for days and weeks at a time and my eyes are so dry that I feel they might shrivel, but I cannot blink.

My self is not in any style or title; my own impact then. It makes sense that the marks I have already made on time can be most easily be made permanent, or at least enduring. My deeds?

I have borne two children and kept neither. I have never killed anybody, but only because I missed.

The first rune is splitting my forehead. It is tiny, cold tendrils burrowing through my skin and driving into bone. The next is worse. I can think of nothing else while the last two go in. I wish to pass out but I cannot.

Catch is staring down and I can feel cold air move against me, inside my skull. I shiver. His eyes are hard as he lifts the smoky green crystal shard, much longer than two fingers’ width. He nods to my brothers, who lean against the straps. I make a noise that might be a whimper but I cannot hear over the blood pounding in my ears.

What am I? Anything to distract myself now. I am a girl, a woman, born outside her place. An Akolan born Aspirian before their god returned insane. Catch is leaning over me and I can feel cold air flowing where it should not be. Born before our god returned. Also insane? I am not sure; what is insanity for a god?

I am a troublemaker. My skull is splitting. I am a firebrand, I am a free-flowing heart attached to a wagon train of desire and the shard is coming towards me, swooping over my gaze like a sleek green bird or a fat arrow made of glass. I am the Chosen, born under the holy stars, blessed by the Lone Sister. I can feel the shard vibrating; my forehead is trembling, pulsing in time with it. I am a tricky schlatz, a Temna-face, a true mirror, a dancer.

I want to live. Catch’s face has not changed; I am strangely grateful for that. If my pain pleases him, I cannot see it. He continues to invoke the ordinations, chanting a low drone.

My head is pulsing with the shard. Its point has gone out of my vision, piercing beyond my brow and on, drawing the Gardener’s stony hand with it. He holds the crystal at the fat end between three fingertips, thick nails crusted under with soil. The pulse turns to a throb then blurs into an endless roar. In the tip of the crystal that I can just see protruding over my brow, a dim heartbeat ignites.

I am a climber; I am always where I am not supposed to be. I am becoming annoying. Catch has stopped perhaps he has reconsidered perhaps something is wrong maybe he will stop please Akola he takes it away soon.

My skull might shake hard enough to split apart and I crave the relief of bursting.

I am sun-brave, night-feared. I am gold. I am wishing I was anybody else and the hand moves, uncannily quick and smooth, pushing the shard forwards.

It enters me cold and keeps coming.

Oh.

I forgot to tell you

my name

 

[msstice]

I didn't need to do a line by line because the writing is excellent. I'm not a big fantasy fan, but I would read more. The interiority is good (which is the strength of first person) and having the narrator tied down and helpless is a good way of gaining our sympathy. Very well done and I look forward to seeing more.

If pushed to come up with a negative, my question would be how are we receiving this communication, since the narrator is about to die a death of some sort, either actual or of the identity. This kind of rule (e.g. if a first person narrator dies, how do we receive the story?) does not bother me as much as it does other people, and in a fantasy story we can always be speaking with a spirit or something, since there really are no rules.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Thanks for that @DanielOwen , yes -I would read on. Well done, some cool imagery. I'd liked to have had a couple of words hint as to where it was in the story, possibly a subheading or something ...nothing too fancy, just a small clue (take that suggestion with a pinch of salt, I'm new to this game).
Fair play, best of luck

 

[sule]

I think this opening has a lot of solid hints towards world-building, and nothing felt under-explained. Within the context of the scene I had enough information to follow what was happening. The god business and the ritual and the small glimpses of things beyond were highlights.

There were a few metaphors that I personally thought were clunky, but I won't really quibble over them.

I was thrown by the writing style, specifically because the narrator seems to be addressing the reader, yet the passage is written in present tense. This completely disrupted my suspension of disbelief. I could only think, "Who is she talking to? It's not a future audience because everything is happening right now. Is she broadcasting her thoughts telepathically? Who could be receiving it?" The device of "I need to be remembered in history" didn't make sense to me because I couldn't see how she could be communicating with anyone in order to be remembered.

I thought the stream-of-consciousness portions worked very well in present tense. It was a little disruptive at first because there was no punctuation separating the disparate thoughts but I got used to that. In my unprofessional opinion, I thought the framing of "addressing an audience" could instead have been the character's internal monologue as she fights the ritual to remember herself.

Keep writing.

 

[DanielOwen]

I didn't need to do a line by line because the writing is excellent. I'm not a big fantasy fan, but I would read more. The interiority is good (which is the strength of first person) and having the narrator tied down and helpless is a good way of gaining our sympathy. Very well done and I look forward to seeing more.

If pushed to come up with a negative, my question would be how are we receiving this communication, since the narrator is about to die a death of some sort, either actual or of the identity. This kind of rule (e.g. if a first person narrator dies, how do we receive the story?) does not bother me as much as it does other people, and in a fantasy story we can always be speaking with a spirit or something, since there really are no rules.

Thank you so much, both for taking the time to read and give your opinion and for your kind words; I am very flattered and grateful. To give a possibly slightly infuriating non-answer to your question, how we are getting this narration is most definitely addressed, but it would be a huge spoiler to reveal it now and involve giving a run-down of a lot of the story in order to explain properly. For now, at least, I'm going to be a bit precious and keep my secrets.

Thanks again; I really appreciate the feedback.

 

[DanielOwen]

Thanks for that @DanielOwen , yes -I would read on. Well done, some cool imagery. I'd liked to have had a couple of words hint as to where it was in the story, possibly a subheading or something ...nothing too fancy, just a small clue (take that suggestion with a pinch of salt, I'm new to this game).
Fair play, best of luck

Thank you very much for taking the time to read through, and thanks for your thoughts. This is the opening of the book, so right at the start; I know it seems like it jumps in right in the middle of something, but that is entirely intentional. Or did you mean where in terms of geography/setting? There is a lot more to come about the setting, so if you're curious about that, watch this space; I'll post up some more excerpts as I have them ready to go. Thanks again!

 

[DanielOwen]

I think this opening has a lot of solid hints towards world-building, and nothing felt under-explained. Within the context of the scene I had enough information to follow what was happening. The god business and the ritual and the small glimpses of things beyond were highlights.

There were a few metaphors that I personally thought were clunky, but I won't really quibble over them.

I was thrown by the writing style, specifically because the narrator seems to be addressing the reader, yet the passage is written in present tense. This completely disrupted my suspension of disbelief. I could only think, "Who is she talking to? It's not a future audience because everything is happening right now. Is she broadcasting her thoughts telepathically? Who could be receiving it?" The device of "I need to be remembered in history" didn't make sense to me because I couldn't see how she could be communicating with anyone in order to be remembered.

I thought the stream-of-consciousness portions worked very well in present tense. It was a little disruptive at first because there was no punctuation separating the disparate thoughts but I got used to that. In my unprofessional opinion, I thought the framing of "addressing an audience" could instead have been the character's internal monologue as she fights the ritual to remember herself.

Keep writing.

Hi, thank you for reading and for your thoughts; I very much appreciate both. I'd be interested to know which metaphors you found clunky, but I appreciate that wasn't your major issue.

The style and the to-audience thing is deliberate, and I'm aware that it's something of an ask for an audience to stick with it. To be honest, I'm slightly cheekily hoping I can get away with it, and that's why I'm so interested in whether people would be willing to read on or if the style and perspective is too much of a clanger. It's a device and it is relevant; how she is talking directly to the audience is a major element of the story. I get that it might be off-putting, though, and I absolutely take your point about it trampling suspension of disbelief by raising so many awkward questions right off the bat.

I'm very glad you liked the things you did and I find it most encouraging. I'll have another serious look and see if I can do something to lessen the awkwardness of the perspective; maybe I just need to be a bit more circumspect about it. Thanks again for your comments.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read through, and thanks for your thoughts. This is the opening of the book, so right at the start; I know it seems like it jumps in right in the middle of something, but that is entirely intentional. Or did you mean where in terms of geography/setting? There is a lot more to come about the setting, so if you're curious about that, watch this space; I'll post up some more excerpts as I have them ready to go. Thanks again!

I figured the setting would be filled in over time, it was where I was chronologically that I was unsure about -but if that's intentional then it worked!

 

[Andy Hauser]

Not a big fan of first person, but you manage to suck me in with your style and (almost too) many teasers in the form of new words being introduced. It leaves me wanting to know what a Blood Gardener is, what Turnings are, and what other otherworldly things exist in your world!

 

[DanielOwen]

Not a big fan of first person, but you manage to suck me in with your style and (almost too) many teasers in the form of new words being introduced. It leaves me wanting to know what a Blood Gardener is, what Turnings are, and what other otherworldly things exist in your world!

Thank you, and thanks for taking the time to comment! Glad you liked it; first person is most definitely a feature of the book, but hopefully there's enough to keep your interest. Lots more world to see yet!

 

[Wayne Mack]

I like that there is an interesting well thought out world and it seems the story will be a dark fantasy or horror. I liked the languid pacing, as it seems appropriate for this type of tale.

There were a couple of things that did not draw me into the story, though.

I strongly did not like addressing the reader at the start and end of the piece. One of the strengths of first person is the ability to pull the reader into the mind of the point of view character. By speaking directly to the reader, that bond is broken.

The opening indicates that this is not much time, but there seems to be no time pressure in the scene. It could be presented in a more fast paced manner, but that would give it more of a feel of space opera, which I do not believe is the intent.

The organization of the story switches back and forth between setting description, backstory presentation, and the unfolding action sequence, to the detriment of all three. I never got a feeling of impending danger, because the sequence was constantly interrupted with something else. There did not seem to be enough time dedicated to setting the scene, because the flow kept switching to a different focus. Where exactly is the main character? How many brothers does she have and how are they bound to her? Are they also in danger? I suggest that instead of interleaving the text, group the types together, perhaps: environment description, followed by action sequence, followed by backstory presentation. This would allow each of these to be expanded upon, slightly.

One issue that bothered me (and this may be a terminology problem), is driving the shards through the forehead. Catch is described as having the shards in his temples, which seems plausible. The forehead, though, is a solid piece of bone and I would expect a tremendous amount of force to be required, and also resulting pain, in driving the shard through it.

The set up provides potential for an interesting story. I would like to see some adjustments, though, to help bring the reader into the tale.

 

[DanielOwen]

I like that there is an interesting well thought out world and it seems the story will be a dark fantasy or horror. I liked the languid pacing, as it seems appropriate for this type of tale.

There were a couple of things that did not draw me into the story, though.

I strongly did not like addressing the reader at the start and end of the piece. One of the strengths of first person is the ability to pull the reader into the mind of the point of view character. By speaking directly to the reader, that bond is broken.

The opening indicates that this is not much time, but there seems to be no time pressure in the scene. It could be presented in a more fast paced manner, but that would give it more of a feel of space opera, which I do not believe is the intent.

The organization of the story switches back and forth between setting description, backstory presentation, and the unfolding action sequence, to the detriment of all three. I never got a feeling of impending danger, because the sequence was constantly interrupted with something else. There did not seem to be enough time dedicated to setting the scene, because the flow kept switching to a different focus. Where exactly is the main character? How many brothers does she have and how are they bound to her? Are they also in danger? I suggest that instead of interleaving the text, group the types together, perhaps: environment description, followed by action sequence, followed by backstory presentation. This would allow each of these to be expanded upon, slightly.

One issue that bothered me (and this may be a terminology problem), is driving the shards through the forehead. Catch is described as having the shards in his temples, which seems plausible. The forehead, though, is a solid piece of bone and I would expect a tremendous amount of force to be required, and also resulting pain, in driving the shard through it.

The set up provides potential for an interesting story. I would like to see some adjustments, though, to help bring the reader into the tale.

Thanks for the feedback; yeah the addressing the reader thing seems kind of unpopular. It is for a reason, but I might see about ditching it in a rewrite, see what happens. I reckon I can probably find a way around it that will hopefully be more palatable.

The pacing is a bit of a niggle, you're right. I'd ideally like it to be a bit more energetic, but I also wanted it to feel drawn out as the characters experience here is actually relatively brief in objective time, but is fairly torturous so I wanted it to feel longer than it is. That might be an error on my part; I'll do some editing and see if I can punch up the pace to give it a bit more urgency. I am going to keep the slightly disjointed nature of it; I didn't want the characters thought processes to be that coherent - the idea was to try to convey some panic, though I'm not 100% how well that comes across.

The runes inserted before the shard make a hole in her forehead, hence no need for a lot of force with the shard. Perhaps I need a way to be clearer about that; I'll have a look at it.

Thanks again for reading and for the feedback; much appreciated!