This is the scene that I am stuck on....

Timben

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2015
Messages
173
Location
Tennessee, USA
Sebastian with his Chamelot-Delvigne Model 1873 pistol in hand keeps on pushing onward. He immediately grabs hold of Iris and pushes her. Sam tries to resist but he can't. He worries about Chen. They reached around the corner where Sam helps Iris over the remains of the wall into the catacombs. The winding string of connected chambers is revealed to them only a few feet at a time as their torch lights the way. They round a corner and flush a covey of bats. Iris screams.

"Don't do that. It scares me," said Sam.

Iris gives him a look. They round a corner and begin a walk through a maze of chambers that present for their inspection: moldering mummies and stacked sarcophagi; a room decorated with a thousand human skulls; a wall-crawling with huge scarabaeid beetles. Iris is quite naturally a nervous wreck; she jumps when Sam grabs her suddenly and points.

"So tell me, whatever happened to Teshef?" said Sam.

"Now! You want to talk about history now?" asked Iris.

"You have anything better to do," said Sam.

"Well let me think. Oh, yes now I remember The Pharaoh noticed the pendant chain around the general's neck, believing that it was the foundation of his power. Once he went to his feet, he bent down and captured a sword that was on the floor. He picked it up, speaking in Egyptian, demanding that General Teshef fight him sword to sword. Overconfident, General Teshef agreed. Believing he was unstoppable. The Pharaoh leaped toward Teshef and swung his cold-forged warblade at him. Teshef defended herself as they both battle furiously. BLANG. BLANG. BLANG! Went the swords as the cold-forged blades thunderstruck against each other. As the Pharaoh sought to outmaneuver General Teshef with his swordsmanship, the general equally matched. He commenced laughing a sick and twisted laugh. Pharaoh rose and positioned himself against the wall for support. That was the time when he noticed a barricade shield lying on the floor. General Teshef stood standing looked over at the pharaoh. As he raised his hand to hurl an energy blast only he missed. Completely outraged. This time the pharaoh had tucked and rolled toward the barricade shield which he picked up. He tried again. Out of nowhere a flash of blue energy recoiled and zapped the hell out of Teshef sending him flying across the room, knocking his trident out of his hand and onto the floor. He stepped forward only to be greeted by a hideous creature of a man. As the general looked up from where he lay on the floor, he was no longer human. Looking down at the fallen general. His face had completely melted away revealing a horrific skull with smoking eyes.

“Good, God!” shouted the Pharaoh.

And that was said, General Teshef looked up at the ceiling raised his hands and with another blast of energy, streams of energy beams ejaculated from his fingertips, generating an opening through it. Disenchanted by what the pharaoh was seeing. Teshef's face began to reinvigorate. Stunned by what he had witnessed, letting his guard down. The general disappeared. Startled by what he had seen, the pharaoh backed against the wall. Suddenly General Teshef walked from the shadows, twin battle swords on his hip and the trident in his hand. The Pharaoh reached down and picked up the barricade shield just as General Teshef

swung his trident at the Pharaoh, who barely escaped in time. Waiting, the pharaoh spun

around just in time to avoid the second blow from the general. But not before grabbing a

hold of his pendant chain. Teshef with power lust in his heart tried desperately to murder

the pharaoh. Only he acted quickly by reaching up and shielding himself thus allowing

the general to break his pendant chain.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The pendant! What have you done?" shouted General

Teshef.

“Ha Ha Ha. You are nothing without it, sorcerer, ” said the Pharaoh.

With extensive rage, General Teshief turned the trident toward the pharaoh and fired

on him. Still clutching the barricade shield it deflected the blast. Striking General Teshief

again. Hurling him across the other side of the throne room. Running toward him, the

Pharaoh was able to help the poor soul to his feet but not before he punched the general

right square in his face, knocking the trident out of his hand. General Teshief looked

away and then backed the Pharaoh. The pharaoh reached down and recovered the trident

and with both hands. He broke it in half over one knee.

As if a magical curse had been lifted. General Teshief was now a frail general. All his

power came to an end. He managed to go to his feet, but very slowly. He ran to the pieces

that display on the floor. Trying to piece them together. As he tried to keep them close

believing they would protect him.

"Vipers! Take him away!" said the Pharaoh.

The Vipers rushed in and took the evil general by the arms, and stood him up before

the Pharaoh.

"No! Wait. I hereby declare your reign of terror, over! And you General Teshief

sentenced to death. By Crucifixion. Now take this worthless wormfood to the dungeon,"

ordered the Pharaoh.

From there, he was transferred to the palace dungeon. As months rolled on, till the day,

the Pharaoh had finally been decided on the death date of his execution. Vipers found

Teshef lying half-dead in his cell. Cleansed the prisoner with water, as his odor began to

intoxicate those who were close to him. His body odor was unpardonably rude. He reeked

so bad. Steam rose from the floor as if it arose in a fire. He finally turned his head in their

direction.

The Vipers unlocked the cell, and drug the prisoner out by his hands. Falling to the floor

of the prison, they kicked him trying to get him to go forward. After bruising him and

beating him, he finally went to his feet. Speaking in Damascene. He had cursed them.

They only laughed.

Once he had arrived outdoors of the prison, he felt a cool breeze upon his skin. Where

it nearly choked him. As he had no connection to life outside of his inferno. Reaching the

gallows, believing the pharaoh had changed his mind about the type of punishment he

received.

They pushed him to move ahead. Dragging his flaccid, achy feet across the stony

terrain, until he had gotten to the kill site. He looked at the gallows, watching as a fellow

inmate hangs. His eyes began to burn from the bright sun. They pushed him until he

could walk no further. Vipers clutched his limp body and began tying his feet into place

to a wooden cross. Only the wooden cross was sticking out of the ground upside down.

They then bound his hands in place. The townspeople were in awe. Some even wept at

what was done to the prisoner. The purpose was to watch his blood go to his head." said

Iris.

"Oh yes, I remember now. 4 years later. A crowd of thousands gathered outside the

palace to listen to Pharaoh Henafas speak. The great honorable Henafas went out onto the

balcony. As did his wife and son who stood by him. Ubus bumped into his father's right

leg by accident, only to be greeted by a mechanical brace that appeared to travel down

toward his ankle just right above his knee.

"I come before you, my fellow countrymen and even though I am weak and old, I have

enough confidence that my son. Ubus will rule in my absence. I hereby grant, Ubus

the next pharaoh of Egypt," said Henafas.

The Egyptians cheered for their new king.

"What about General Teshef?" asked Khenthaphra his wife.

"We do not speak of that name," replied Henafas.

"But my Lord, he laid upon a curse," said Khenthaphra.

"My dear wife, there are no curses," said Henafas." said Sam.

"Keep walking," said Sebastian.

****​

"No, Chen. Try not to talk," said Bull.

Chen still lies in Bull's arms. Henry leans over him. Henry rushes forward and calls to

Sam.

"Sam… Sam, you must hurry!! Come quickly!" said Henry.
 
You have the elements of a good tale it being an Indiana Type story with a Pharaoh, power hungry villains, action, violence, and hopefully beautiful women.

So here are some thoughts. You being the author can take them or leave them.

I don't think you need to give the full name of the gun. I don't think most readers care, unless somewhere else in your story you mentioned it and explain why the name is significant. As it is, you can say it's a revolver or an automatic or better yet say it's a nasty weapon and why.

Your seventh paragraph is way too long. It is hard on the readers' eyes. The other problem is it sounds unnatural. Iris sounds like a writer writing and then narrating the event. Most people don't talk that way. You started out with a narrator let him give the details of the fight and break up the fight scene into more paragraphs and then give some dialog:

As the wizard swung the blood stained ax he screamed, "Die nerd!"

Don aimed his 357, smiled, and replied. "You first."

The other trope, I see, is disturbing and that is crucifixion. If your pharaoh is a cruel. ruthless, and an insensitive ruler then this is fine. However, if he is not, and if you want your readers to like him then you should get rid of it. Crucifixion traditionally has been associated with tyrants and extreme cruelty.

If you must execute your bad guys employ hangings and firing squads. They get the job done and are much more merciful. If you desire something between the cruelty and horror of crucifixion and hangings and firing squads then go with an Egyptian motif: crocodiles. Yeah, that's right, throw the villains to the crocs.

Hope you get some good out of this and not to get discourage.
 
You have the elements of a good tale it being an Indiana Type story with a Pharaoh, power hungry villains, action, violence, and hopefully beautiful women.

So here are some thoughts. You being the author can take them or leave them.

I don't think you need to give the full name of the gun. I don't think most readers care, unless somewhere else in your story you mentioned it and explain why the name is significant. As it is, you can say it's a revolver or an automatic or better yet say it's a nasty weapon and why.

Your seventh paragraph is way too long. It is hard on the readers' eyes. The other problem is it sounds unnatural. Iris sounds like a writer writing and then narrating the event. Most people don't talk that way. You started out with a narrator let him give the details of the fight and break up the fight scene into more paragraphs and then give some dialog:

As the wizard swung the blood stained ax he screamed, "Die nerd!"

Don aimed his 357, smiled, and replied. "You first."

The other trope, I see, is disturbing and that is crucifixion. If your pharaoh is a cruel. ruthless, and an insensitive ruler then this is fine. However, if he is not, and if you want your readers to like him then you should get rid of it. Crucifixion traditionally has been associated with tyrants and extreme cruelty.

If you must execute your bad guys employ hangings and firing squads. They get the job done and are much more merciful. If you desire something between the cruelty and horror of crucifixion and hangings and firing squads then go with an Egyptian motif: crocodiles. Yeah, that's right, throw the villains to the crocs.

Hope you get some good out of this and not to get discourage.
Thank you for the comment. I just need help with what should happen next.
 
I just need help with what should happen next.
Well, as I made clear in my comment on the other thread, Critiques is a place for getting feedback on writing, so if you put work up here you have to accept that people are going to comment on the writing itself. It's up to you whether you take account of the help you're given, but no writer is going to be successful by wilfully ignoring feedback.

As to "just need help" -- firstly, as I also tried to make clear, the thread in Writing Discussion was the better place to deal with the question of what should happen next, but for that we need to know more about the general plot to date, so we have an idea what kind of things have happened and therefore what could happen. While this scene with the Pharoah gives some detail we've no idea how it fits in and where everyone is. We also need to know what ultimately you are aiming to achieve and not least who can be killed and who must survive. Without that information any help you're given is going to be lacking.

Secondly, though, and with all due respect, I think you do need help with your writing itself, since this scene as written is not of publishable standard in the present market if you're hoping to sell your work. It may be this is only a first draft and you intend to clean it up in edits/revisions, but we always ask members to submit their best work here both as a matter of courtesy and to ensure other members don't have to waste time and effort on issues the author would have corrected for himself.

Here, there is an immediate problem that your tense use is inconsistent -- the first paragraph is all written in present tense, but in the next para it's "said Sam" which is past tense. As Lafayette rightly says, that seventh paragraph is not only too long, it's wholly implausible as someone who appears to be a captive relating what has happened. The succeeding paragraphs are confusing in the extreme because, presumably, they are also part of her monologue but the punctuation that would show this is missing, and again none of what is said appears realistic for someone talking in this situation. Punctuation elsewhere is incorrect; to my mind your word use is poor -- the "ejaculated" for the streams of energy being one of the worst offenders -- and even allowing for Iris perhaps being thoroughly melodramatic the narrative and especially the dialogue within the related flashback scenes is both hackneyed and way over the top. There is also the structural issue of showing the scenes by means of this monologue which in my view doesn't work. Even on a minor level there's a quite obvious typo in the penultimate line of the first scene with that "said Sam" which hasn't been noticed and corrected.

None of the problems I've outlined are insuperable, of course, and as I say it may be you intended to deal with them in your second draft. However, it does suggest to me that you need to spend more time and energy on your writing itself, and perhaps if you now engage in the revisions to your work from the beginning, bringing the work up to the standard you would wish, while you're working on those issues your subconscious may well give you the answer as to what happens next.
 
Perhaps the challenge with the next scene is that the part after the section break does not appear to logically follow from the preceding section. In the first section, Sam and Iris appear to being marched through tunnels at the point of Sebastian's gun. In the second scene, Sam appears to be with Bull, Chen, and Henry while Chen needs some wort of assistance. There seems to a missing section that connects the two. Maybe fill in that bridge and then what comes next will be more apparent.
 
hey Timben :)

how are you :)

I just wanna say keep going with your story its pretty interesting very Indiana Jones vibes which is sweet :) just need some tweaks but I hope you dont feel bad about it , good luck with it hugs :)

Regards - Declan Sargent
 
Interesting story; however a bit muddled.
Not withstanding the fact that halfway through your paragraph of story within a story one of your characters undergoes a sex change.
What comes next?

An editor I hope.
 
Sorry for the late reply @Timben , it seems like the General needs to put in another appearance in some form or another -the gallows thing felt significant (I read it that he was 'saved' from the gallows by the elaborate execution), possibly something happens to show he's still knocking about but only Chen spots it and the others figure he is just hallucinating. Hope I've read that right. I had a bit of trouble following the story but the advice above should sort that.
Best of luck
 

Similar threads


Back
Top