Deke
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2021
- Messages
- 82
Having been most displeased with the slow pacing of my book, I went back and did a re-write, a complete thrash and trash, tossed out everything I had and started over. I'm happy with this opening now and have slowly worked my way up to 15k words (hurray 1/10th of the way there). I feel on track, and thought I would submit for review to see what my fellow Chrons think of it.
Let me know what you think, not looking for any particular things this time just a general critique. Sorry it ran a little long, I didn't feel like I could cut it anywhere shorter and still be coherent, but it reads pretty quick and I don't write in an overly complicated manner.
Elizabeth tapped her nails on the polished armrest of her command chair. The seven members of her bridge crew were staring at her, anticipating her next move but she merely sat and watched the main bridge display showing the large, ungainly freighter plodding slowly through the asteroid field off frigates bow. Three times the freighter had refused to open a comm channel, three times the frigate had demanded they heave to and open communications. Elizabeth was growing impatient, and patience had never been her strong suit.
"Request they open a video channel, again, in the clear this time Miss Ying," Elizabeth said.
The raven haired communication officer merely nodded, tapping at her console and speaking into her headset. "Captain of the Astregen Star, this is the Terran Navy Frigate Horatius, you are ordered to heave to and open a communication channel at once, or risk being fired upon."
Silence was the only response, the freighter continued to plow on, heedless of the warship trailing her stern. Elizabeth ground her teeth. These merchant freighter crews could be insufferable at the best of times, and given this one’s location, deep inside Sol's Kuiper Belt, it was likely they were up to something nefarious. The freighters were often afraid to venture this deep into the asteroid belt for very long, for the belt was home to all manner of pirate crews and other unscrupulous characters looking for any chance to pillage and steal whatever they could get their grimy hands on.
Sighing, Elizabeth tapped the console on the arm of her command chair, opening up a video channel to her executive officer in the ship’s combat information center, or CIC. The impassive face of Commander Rashid Falana filled the screen. He had probably guessed her intentions, as he always seemed keenly capable of doing, but he waited for orders anyway. "Rashid, fire one ship to ship missile at him, maybe that will get his attention since he is clearly too distracted to speak to us at the moment. Disable the warhead if you will, I don't want to give him any reason to bill the Republic for free repairs," she said.
Falana merely nodded, looking over to his weapons officer and seeing the man was already opening one of the Hortius's missile doors and queuing up a missile. Elizabeth watched as the nimble little weapon streaked away from the top of the frigate on the main display, closing rapidly with the uncaring freighter. Point defense cannon fire erupted from multiple points on the freighters hull, the cannons swatting the missile away like a horse brushing off a fly, but the message was clear.
Ying cleared her throat and Elizabeth glanced over, idly twirling a finger through her curly brown hair. "Seems that got their attention Captain, they have sent a comm request. "Main screen please Miss Ying," Elizabeth said, a slight trace of her English accent seeping through as she spoke.
The red face of an obese, balding man flooded the screen, he let loose with a torrent of profanity-laden insults the moment the channel stabilized, spittle flying from his mouth.
Elizabeth glanced over to Ying and drew a finger across her throat. She cut the channel without further prompting. "Rude," Elizabeth spat, looking over to the still open side monitor showing Falana waiting patiently. "Two more missiles, lest this freighter jockey think we are in a mood to be abused in such a manner. And swing the railgun around to track him, that should get our point across," she said, checking her nails as she spoke. She sucked her teeth when she found her nail polish chipped and scrubbed at it, tsking all the while.
Two more missiles arced up and away from the Horatius, once again getting intercepted by the exploding point defense cannon fire, although the second missile exploded close enough to rattle the armored hull of the freighter with shrapnel. Elizabeth nodded as the last missile exploded, and looked over to the helmsman. "Mr. Klein, bring us up alongside that rat *******’s ship, close enough that he will have a hard time shooting any more missiles before they hit him," Elizabeth said.
Klein merely nodded, pushing forward on the frigates yoke and accelerating the nimble warship to overtake the freighter. Once they had closed to a suitable distance, Elizabeth looked over to Ying and raised an eyebrow. The bridge crew had been with the captain long enough to read her body language, and Ying opened the video channel back up. He wasn't so redfaced this time, in fact, the color had drained almost completely drained from his face as the gravity of his situation sunk in.
Elizabeth took a moment to study the man. He was stuffed into a ripped and torn captain’s chair, his bald head gleamed with sweat and two beady eyes shifted back and forth, no doubt to take in the sensor data coming in on the freighter’s various bridge monitors. Behind him, trash littered the floor and various unmanned crew stations. She thought he looked like some great wharf rat trying to flee a sinking ship with nowhere to go.
The freighter’s captain cleared his throat to speak, but Elizabeth cut him off, holding up a single finger and looking away from the main display to tap at her console once more, opening a channel and that she shared with the sweating freighter captain. The grey eyes, close-cropped hair, and chiseled jawline of a man in the green and black fatigues of the Terran Marine Corps filled the split display, and the captain’s eyes went wide.
"Major Hadrian, if you would be so kind as to assemble a boarding party for our guests here, I think it's time some of Terra's representatives and the crew of the Astragen Star had a little chat," Elizabeth said, her blue eyes twinkling with amusement. The Major said nothing, merely nodding and cutting the feed from his end. He would have a dropship out into the vacuum in minutes, and the Star's captain gulped nervously, a wolf smile creeping slowly onto his face as he dabbed at his sweating forehead with a dirty rag.
"Captain," he began, a nervous smile showing several black, rotting teeth. "There is no need for this, I would be happy to show you my manifest and comply with a full scan of my ship. We have nothing to hide after all," he said, spreading his hands wide.
"You, captain-" she paused, looking down at her console. "What was your name again?"
"Captain Gonthra, Flavious Gonthra. And who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"
"I am Elizabeth Alexander, Captain of the TRS Horatius, and I am done playing your little games, captain." she spat the rank contemptuously, as if it were some bitter fruit she had just tasted. "You will heave to, shut off your engines and your main reactor, safe your point defense guns and whatever missile batteries you have hidden away on that sorry excuse for a ship. If you so much as blink at my dropship or point anything larger than your little rat fingers at them, I will fill your ship full of holes and leave you for the pirates. You lurking around out here in the Kuiper Belt is more than enough probable cause for me to search your ship, and no I'm not giving you the chance to test out any of the little tricks you have in that freighter to fool customs agents." she said, her sickly sweet smile contrasting with the harsh tone she spoke in. "I haven't zeroed my railgun in three days, and I would dearly love a chance to calibrate it, so please, do something stupid."
Let me know what you think, not looking for any particular things this time just a general critique. Sorry it ran a little long, I didn't feel like I could cut it anywhere shorter and still be coherent, but it reads pretty quick and I don't write in an overly complicated manner.
Elizabeth tapped her nails on the polished armrest of her command chair. The seven members of her bridge crew were staring at her, anticipating her next move but she merely sat and watched the main bridge display showing the large, ungainly freighter plodding slowly through the asteroid field off frigates bow. Three times the freighter had refused to open a comm channel, three times the frigate had demanded they heave to and open communications. Elizabeth was growing impatient, and patience had never been her strong suit.
"Request they open a video channel, again, in the clear this time Miss Ying," Elizabeth said.
The raven haired communication officer merely nodded, tapping at her console and speaking into her headset. "Captain of the Astregen Star, this is the Terran Navy Frigate Horatius, you are ordered to heave to and open a communication channel at once, or risk being fired upon."
Silence was the only response, the freighter continued to plow on, heedless of the warship trailing her stern. Elizabeth ground her teeth. These merchant freighter crews could be insufferable at the best of times, and given this one’s location, deep inside Sol's Kuiper Belt, it was likely they were up to something nefarious. The freighters were often afraid to venture this deep into the asteroid belt for very long, for the belt was home to all manner of pirate crews and other unscrupulous characters looking for any chance to pillage and steal whatever they could get their grimy hands on.
Sighing, Elizabeth tapped the console on the arm of her command chair, opening up a video channel to her executive officer in the ship’s combat information center, or CIC. The impassive face of Commander Rashid Falana filled the screen. He had probably guessed her intentions, as he always seemed keenly capable of doing, but he waited for orders anyway. "Rashid, fire one ship to ship missile at him, maybe that will get his attention since he is clearly too distracted to speak to us at the moment. Disable the warhead if you will, I don't want to give him any reason to bill the Republic for free repairs," she said.
Falana merely nodded, looking over to his weapons officer and seeing the man was already opening one of the Hortius's missile doors and queuing up a missile. Elizabeth watched as the nimble little weapon streaked away from the top of the frigate on the main display, closing rapidly with the uncaring freighter. Point defense cannon fire erupted from multiple points on the freighters hull, the cannons swatting the missile away like a horse brushing off a fly, but the message was clear.
Ying cleared her throat and Elizabeth glanced over, idly twirling a finger through her curly brown hair. "Seems that got their attention Captain, they have sent a comm request. "Main screen please Miss Ying," Elizabeth said, a slight trace of her English accent seeping through as she spoke.
The red face of an obese, balding man flooded the screen, he let loose with a torrent of profanity-laden insults the moment the channel stabilized, spittle flying from his mouth.
Elizabeth glanced over to Ying and drew a finger across her throat. She cut the channel without further prompting. "Rude," Elizabeth spat, looking over to the still open side monitor showing Falana waiting patiently. "Two more missiles, lest this freighter jockey think we are in a mood to be abused in such a manner. And swing the railgun around to track him, that should get our point across," she said, checking her nails as she spoke. She sucked her teeth when she found her nail polish chipped and scrubbed at it, tsking all the while.
Two more missiles arced up and away from the Horatius, once again getting intercepted by the exploding point defense cannon fire, although the second missile exploded close enough to rattle the armored hull of the freighter with shrapnel. Elizabeth nodded as the last missile exploded, and looked over to the helmsman. "Mr. Klein, bring us up alongside that rat *******’s ship, close enough that he will have a hard time shooting any more missiles before they hit him," Elizabeth said.
Klein merely nodded, pushing forward on the frigates yoke and accelerating the nimble warship to overtake the freighter. Once they had closed to a suitable distance, Elizabeth looked over to Ying and raised an eyebrow. The bridge crew had been with the captain long enough to read her body language, and Ying opened the video channel back up. He wasn't so redfaced this time, in fact, the color had drained almost completely drained from his face as the gravity of his situation sunk in.
Elizabeth took a moment to study the man. He was stuffed into a ripped and torn captain’s chair, his bald head gleamed with sweat and two beady eyes shifted back and forth, no doubt to take in the sensor data coming in on the freighter’s various bridge monitors. Behind him, trash littered the floor and various unmanned crew stations. She thought he looked like some great wharf rat trying to flee a sinking ship with nowhere to go.
The freighter’s captain cleared his throat to speak, but Elizabeth cut him off, holding up a single finger and looking away from the main display to tap at her console once more, opening a channel and that she shared with the sweating freighter captain. The grey eyes, close-cropped hair, and chiseled jawline of a man in the green and black fatigues of the Terran Marine Corps filled the split display, and the captain’s eyes went wide.
"Major Hadrian, if you would be so kind as to assemble a boarding party for our guests here, I think it's time some of Terra's representatives and the crew of the Astragen Star had a little chat," Elizabeth said, her blue eyes twinkling with amusement. The Major said nothing, merely nodding and cutting the feed from his end. He would have a dropship out into the vacuum in minutes, and the Star's captain gulped nervously, a wolf smile creeping slowly onto his face as he dabbed at his sweating forehead with a dirty rag.
"Captain," he began, a nervous smile showing several black, rotting teeth. "There is no need for this, I would be happy to show you my manifest and comply with a full scan of my ship. We have nothing to hide after all," he said, spreading his hands wide.
"You, captain-" she paused, looking down at her console. "What was your name again?"
"Captain Gonthra, Flavious Gonthra. And who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"
"I am Elizabeth Alexander, Captain of the TRS Horatius, and I am done playing your little games, captain." she spat the rank contemptuously, as if it were some bitter fruit she had just tasted. "You will heave to, shut off your engines and your main reactor, safe your point defense guns and whatever missile batteries you have hidden away on that sorry excuse for a ship. If you so much as blink at my dropship or point anything larger than your little rat fingers at them, I will fill your ship full of holes and leave you for the pirates. You lurking around out here in the Kuiper Belt is more than enough probable cause for me to search your ship, and no I'm not giving you the chance to test out any of the little tricks you have in that freighter to fool customs agents." she said, her sickly sweet smile contrasting with the harsh tone she spoke in. "I haven't zeroed my railgun in three days, and I would dearly love a chance to calibrate it, so please, do something stupid."
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