P.McE's i sandwich (continued -821 words)

[AnRoinnUltra]

Hello Chrons,
Am posting another section from a story I'm working on. I'm including advice as I go, and will apply the recommendations to the earlier stuff in other drafts. The last time out I learned to try to be clear, give some dialogue attribution, and that punctuation has defined rules.
Any advice appreciated

***BEGINS***
You are good at what you repeatedly do. In Thaidem shack, near Bourg Cacao, Christiane Metella had been making split bean fritters since daybreak. It is something she does daily.
Her split bean fritters are the tastiest on Earth.
Four and a half kilometers east of Thaidem shack Jürgen Hartnor had been doing two things. The first was discussing a problem with the European Space Agency's expedition to Mars. The second was ignoring a voice in the back of his head.

'Tell me this, what was the best sandwich you've ever had?'

Jürgen scratched his head, and continued ignoring the voice.

He glanced over his shoulder to make sure the door to his office was closed, and that nobody other than Dervla was listening. They had been looking at the monitor on his desk. Jürgen then walked over to the window and stared down into the control room. What he saw was:

• Three rows of five workstations.
• Fifteen chairs.
• Eight technicians.
• Two glass walls flanking the workstations.
• And a large digital display, which took up the whole of the far wall.

The entrance to the control room was below his window, and beside that was the lift to his office. Dervla had just used it to bring him the news.

'Are you sure nobody else is aware of this?', he asked.

'yes', replied Dervla. Jürgen frowned. Dervla had many skills, the ability to tell a lie was not among them.

'So tell it to me again.'

'There's nothing to tell, one short communication burst and then nothing.'

'It can't be technical.'

Dervla shook her head.

'No, all channels were manually disabled.'

Jürgen checked the door was closed, he knew it was, but couldn't help himself looking.

'So the last message we received was?'

'They have eloped.'

'...and that was from Commander Staunton?'

'I think so.'

'Uh, can you know so?, I am thinking this is a big problem, and we need the facts.'

'Yes Jürgen, but you said nobody was to know about this. That makes it difficult.'

Jürgen checked the door for a third time, and shivered. It was an involuntary shake. He looked at the monitor again.
INC CH9 CMD STAUNTON REC 0813EST: THEY HAVE ELOPED
The words were written in green text. Above them was a series of codes, and a question.
OUT CH9 EMSC 0743EST: CAN YOU CONFIRM THE STATUS OF SP COLLEARY AND SP MCGLINCHEY?
Jürgen turned to face Dervla. When he spoke, it was in a slow and deliberate tone.

'You can let Saulius know. But just him. Tell him I want an explanation for this.'

Dervla paused before she responded.

'Did you say Saulius Jürgen?'

'Yes.'

'Are you sure Jürgen?'

'Yes, of course, but just Saulius.'

Dervla nodded, and switched off the monitor.
The voice in his head spoke to Jürgen again. It was the same one as before, and it asked another question.

'What do ya make of fried anchovies in batter, would they go well in a sandwich?'

Jürgen glanced at Dervla.

'Is everything okay?', she asked.

'Oh yeah, I just, uh, did you just get a message on your headset?'

He waited hopefully for confirmation.

'No, is everything alright?'

Jürgen paused before replying. He fumbled with the earpiece sitting above his right ear. In theory it was switched off.

'Uh, no, everything is not alright -we've lost all telemetry, and one third of the crew believes the other two have eloped. On Mars. No Dervla, everything is not alright.'

Jürgen pulled the earpiece from his ear, dropped it to the ground, and stood on it.
Dervla took a step back and shook her head.

'That's Agency property Jürgen, I'm going to have to report it's destruction.'

Jürgen didn't reply with a word. But grunted instead. And stared out the window at the control room below.
Dervla picked up the broken receiver, looked it over, and placed it in the bin.

'Tsk, such a waste, I'll order another one for you', she said, and walked out of the room.

A click told Jürgen she had left and the door was closed again.

'I'm okay with the anchovies, but once ya have them in there there's not much can go with them ...unless maybe coleslaw'

Jürgen glanced around for the source of the voice. It was not clear. Then he remembered the intercom on his desk.
It took him one step to get to the desk. Turning off the intercom proved a harder thing to achieve. He pressed one of the two buttons on the panel housing the speaker.

'Coleslaw is pretty much a filling in itself.'

He pressed the second button.

'You could probably make a sandwich with just coleslaw'

Jürgen pressed both buttons simultaneously.

'I'd say it's be nice, but not great'

Jürgen fumbled under the desk and found a pair of wires. He yanked them loose. He waited for a second, and returned to the window.
***ENDS***

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Hello again!

The dialogue is much easier to follow with the tags, good job.

You are good at what you repeatedly do. In Thaidem shack, near Bourg Cacao, Christiane Metella had been making split bean fritters since daybreak. It is something she does daily.
Her split bean fritters are the tastiest on Earth.
Four and a half kilometers east of Thaidem shack Jürgen Hartnor had been doing two things. The first was discussing a problem with the European Space Agency's expedition to Mars. The second was ignoring a voice in the back of his head.

The story seems to be written by an omniscient narrator, rather than a single character's point of view. Because of this, the narration has a sense of distance, as though you're watching people, rather than engaging with their thoughts and emotions.

We cut from Christiane to Jurgen, yet it's hard to see how these two people are connected, or why a reader should be interested that Christiane is good at making split bean fritters. Is her ability at split bean fritters something that will come up later as part of the plot? At the moment, the switch seems like a non sequitur.

Non sequiturs can be great for comedy, but they usually need some connection with events. I like the last line in the quote above because it reminds me of Douglas Adams and works because you set it up two sentences earlier.

What he saw was:

• Three rows of five workstations.
• Fifteen chairs.
• Eight technicians.
• Two glass walls flanking the workstations.
• And a large digital display, which took up the whole of the far wall.

You don't need to be so specific. Bulleted lists aren't particularly engaging for readers. Can you think of a better way of providing this information? How does your main character feel about the room - can you paint a picture without listing every item?

I think you need some more detail in the dialogue section as it's not clear what the two characters are talking about. I think we need a point of view to give us some background, or at least an emotional centre we can lock on to.

I kinda like the voice in the head, but is it his own voice, or is it distracting him? I'd like to know more about the voice...

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Thanks for that @Mon0Zer0
Christiane doesn't feature in the story -wanted to try the bit about her out to see if I could get away with sticking stuff like that in there. There is a sub plot about an intergalactic food critic who tastes various foods out on Jurgens recommendation (the idea'd be that the reader and Jurgen are not sure if he's having a nervous breakdown to begin with). The plan was to have a few pointers to what he recommends beforehand; but I clearly need to find another route!

I tried the bullet list as a descriptive passage, thought it was taking too long and itemized it -back to plan A.

The point of view thing is a tricky one. The whole Earth part of the story is a kinda side plot itself to balance some daft shenannigans on Mars. Was thinking to keep the emotional focus (the little that there is) up there.
Will think again.

Appreciate you taking the time to read that, and your advice, fair play.