Queen Bess & Rock n' Roll

[The Bloated One]

Hi Everyone,

Here's a short piece I am writing about time travellers at a real historical event in 1575. If you are interested in what actually happened I've put a link.

The Princely Pleasures, at the Court at Kenilworth - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

My piece is supposed to be tongue in cheek, but I am sure I've missed a gag or two. if anything springs to mind don't hesitate to comment. Clearly, if the grammar is off or grates, please comment.

Background: Nostradamus & Leonardo Da Vinci have stolen a time machine disguised as a sedan chair. They appear in QEI's bedchamber during her 21 day stay with Lord Dudley at Kenilworth Castle and are taken to the dungeons. In their possession is a time bending amulet (they stole it). Dr John Dee thinks the amulet is the holy Grail. Our hero, Tarquin Jenkins and his band of merry miscreants and rogues (leprechauns, clurichauns) are after the amulet. Tarquin needs it to go back in time and save his girlfriend from dying. So, here you go....

--------------------------

As the gun battery fired its last cannonball into the night sky, the salute came to an end. The Queen and her entourage arrived in the centre of the bridge over the lake. Smoke from the salute hugged the waterline. Without warning, the thumping sound of an electric guitar riff, an inversion of the opening bars of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony filled the air.

Jules, holding a three pronged spear and looking resplendent as the god Triton, looked up from the mermaid.
“What the…No, no, you’re only supposed to create a distraction!” Shouted Jules as he, Georgia, Tarquin and Alice watched dumbfounded from the mechanical mermaid and floating island.

Slowly, the smoke on the water cleared and a boat with a dolphin’s head appeared. On the prow of the boat was Screwball the clurichaun, dressed in a black cape, the black robes of a Japanese ninja, and sunglasses. Next to him, strutting along the deck like a 1980s axe-man was Dave Moriarty also dressed as a ninja, wearing a leather top hat and dwarfed by a fender Stratocaster, electrical guitar. Despite the guitar size he managed to play the rhythmic riff with aplomb. Behind him, on bass stood Big Joe Damanski.

Unbeknown to Jules, the clurichauns had liberated the wooden dolphin boat from the quayside the night before and, after taking it aboard their ship Prometheus, modified it. Now, powered by Alerion drives and harbouring a sound system of immense power, it was moving at pace towards the Queen of England. The large crowd lining the banks of the lake and bridge roared their approval, thinking it was all part of Kenilworth’s incredible festivities. The Queen and her household watched on, mesmerized.

The clurichauns modifications to the dolphin boat included building a drum riser. As the music intensified, Hugh Willard rose up within a column of red and blue smoke from the boat’s gunnels to the deck sitting behind a ten piece Ludwig drum kit. Reaching the deck, rockets from behind the drum kit screamed into the air and exploded into a hundred bright stars.

“Hello Kenilworth!” Shouted Screwball, his amplified voice boomed and echoed across the water as their first number came to a crashing conclusion. He punched the air and saluted the crowd who roared their approval. A fast 4/4 rhythm rent the air and Screwball yelled, “God save the Queen!” Thankfully, the lyrics of the punk rock song were drowned out by Dave Moriarty’s relentless guitar riff. Nonetheless, the crowd went wild, and even Queen Elizabeth was seen smiling, nodding her head and tapping her horse. Several more songs followed before Screwball laid down a four to the floor rhythm and the music segwued seamlessly into disco music. As more smoke poured from inside the boat, Oleg, dressed in a white three piece suit, black shirt, shoes and wig strode onto the deck. Mr Saturday Night had arrived.

With the ‘distraction’ in full swing, Calbhach and the leprechauns set about locating Nostra and Leo in the dungeons…

 

[msstice]

I enjoyed Connie Willis' To Say Nothing of the Dog a great deal, so I do have a taste for SF Humor. The above piece was aiming to be more slapstick, which is completely fine. There were two aspects that prevented me from enjoying this piece as much as I wanted to.

1. There may have been references that I missed. I got a chuckle from smoke on the water, but nothing else.
2. So many named characters were introduced that my enjoyment was robbed a bit by the anxiety that I should be tracking all of them

The description of the scene works to an extent but it felt like a screen play for a National Lampoon production. I was trying to come up with ways it could be reworded for being read. The best I could think of was to mix in more reactions of the witnesses with the description.

The caper sounds promising, but seems to have a large cast of characters, which is harder to critique in this format.

 

[The Bloated One]

Msstice,

Thank you for taking the time to read and write your thoughts, I really appreciate them!

This is from my sequel to the first book I published (I can't mention it according to the rules I believe), so I am unsure how much backstory I should be including for those that haven't read the first book. Also, all the characters are known to the first book reader.

Again, and it's something I do too often is create these large scenes with many players. Unfortunately, in this case I can't really remove anyone as they all play a part. I thought of writing it in the first person, through the eyes of Tarquin my protagonist, but I've not done this before in this or the previous book. Would t help?

As to gags, I am delighted you got the Deep Purple reference, Richie Blackmore in an interview explained the Beethoven riff he'd used. The white suit and four to the floor? Mr Saturday Night? I am sure you got that as well, just didn't mention it.

Thanks again!

The Bloated One...

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

I enjoyed the story @The Bloated One , seems like the making of a metal opera -like something Gloryhammer would record. I agree with @msstice that there were too many heads to get a proper grasp on what was going on, but it was definitely interesting. If the characters are known from earlier, or book one, than all seems good to me.

Best of luck with it

 

[Bowler1]

While not wanting to repeat, my problems were much the same as prior reviews. There was a lot happening with a cast of characters that was difficult to follow. It's almost a battle scene, but with more music and humour, which is more difficult again to pull off. I am a big fan of a strict POV and the especially in a busy scene as it avoids the big picture problem, but I can't quite see how you would succeed without the big picture here.

So my comments are in the chocolate tea pot zone for being useful, as I don't have a solution for you.

It was quirky and fun, and almost there. You know what you're doing so keep at it, some sections of writing take a great deal of effort and this I think is one of those sections. Good luck with it, and I think you'll need luck or more likely old fashioned graft to make it work for you, but I'm sure you'll get there.

 

[msstice]

I am unsure how much backstory I should be including for those that haven't read the first book. Also, all the characters are known to the first book reader.

Always tricky. My ideal would be to have enough backstory snuck in that even a new reader can grasp whats going on, even though having read the previous stories would give a richer experience. Just don't do it how Riordian does it for the Percy Jackson books where the backstory infodump, though short, is annoying because of how obvious it is.

I thought of writing it in the first person, through the eyes of Tarquin my protagonist, but I've not done this before in this or the previous book. Would t help?

Not really necessary. It depends on the effect you are going for. Close third person is fine for me.

The white suit and four to the floor? Mr Saturday Night?

Sorry - but I'm not a very knowledgable person for pop references regardless the decade or the medium.

 

[Toby Frost]

It's very hard to judge how well it works, since it's clearly not the start of the novel and these are established characters, so presumably they're familiar to the reader and are doing the sort of thing that we'd expect in the (weird) circumstances.

My main criticism is that it might go on for very slightly too long, and/or isn't interspersed with any action apart from the characters doing their thing and everyone being impressed, but again this depends on the circumstances. If this was mixed in with or followed by, say, someone sneaking into the house while everybody is distracted, I could see it working. Also, if this is the culmination of the novel, and is the moment when a plan is put into effect and everything works out, then fine.

The writing seems fine. At the risk of damning with faint praise, it's amusing but not exactly funny to me. Obviously that's very subjective, and depends on what you're trying to achieve, but if it was full-on laugh-out-loud comedy I'd want more in the way of puns, witty dialogue and so on. But don't do this unless you want to.

 

[The Bloated One]

While not wanting to repeat, my problems were much the same as prior reviews. There was a lot happening with a cast of characters that was difficult to follow. It's almost a battle scene, but with more music and humour, which is more difficult again to pull off. I am a big fan of a strict POV and the especially in a busy scene as it avoids the big picture problem, but I can't quite see how you would succeed without the big picture here.

So my comments are in the chocolate tea pot zone for being useful, as I don't have a solution for you.

It was quirky and fun, and almost there. You know what you're doing so keep at it, some sections of writing take a great deal of effort and this I think is one of those sections. Good luck with it, and I think you'll need luck or more likely old fashioned graft to make it work for you, but I'm sure you'll get there.

Many thanks, I think perseverance with it is the way to go. I might break up some of the 'scene setting' with some action as was suggested.

 

[The Bloated One]

It's very hard to judge how well it works, since it's clearly not the start of the novel and these are established characters, so presumably they're familiar to the reader and are doing the sort of thing that we'd expect in the (weird) circumstances.

My main criticism is that it might go on for very slightly too long, and/or isn't interspersed with any action apart from the characters doing their thing and everyone being impressed, but again this depends on the circumstances. If this was mixed in with or followed by, say, someone sneaking into the house while everybody is distracted, I could see it working. Also, if this is the culmination of the novel, and is the moment when a plan is put into effect and everything works out, then fine.

The writing seems fine. At the risk of damning with faint praise, it's amusing but not exactly funny to me. Obviously that's very subjective, and depends on what you're trying to achieve, but if it was full-on laugh-out-loud comedy I'd want more in the way of puns, witty dialogue and so on. But don't do this unless you want to.

There is definitely a fine line between full on slapstick and subtle humour. I try to go for the latter, but I am not always successful! I like the idea of two lines of interest as a way of breaking things up. While we see the dolphin boat and the crazy clurichauns playing music for Queen Bess can cause, we also follow the reason for the distraction, another 'team' trying to locate Nostra and Leo in the dungeons and the problems they face.

 

[The Bloated One]

I enjoyed the story @The Bloated One , seems like the making of a metal opera -like something Gloryhammer would record. I agree with @msstice that there were too many heads to get a proper grasp on what was going on, but it was definitely interesting. If the characters are known from earlier, or book one, than all seems good to me.

Best of luck with it

Thank you!

 

[The Bloated One]

It's very hard to judge how well it works, since it's clearly not the start of the novel and these are established characters, so presumably they're familiar to the reader and are doing the sort of thing that we'd expect in the (weird) circumstances.

My main criticism is that it might go on for very slightly too long, and/or isn't interspersed with any action apart from the characters doing their thing and everyone being impressed, but again this depends on the circumstances. If this was mixed in with or followed by, say, someone sneaking into the house while everybody is distracted, I could see it working. Also, if this is the culmination of the novel, and is the moment when a plan is put into effect and everything works out, then fine.

The writing seems fine. At the risk of damning with faint praise, it's amusing but not exactly funny to me. Obviously that's very subjective, and depends on what you're trying to achieve, but if it was full-on laugh-out-loud comedy I'd want more in the way of puns, witty dialogue and so on. But don't do this unless you want to.

I am going to break it up with a bit of action, pull and push the focus in different directions.