My work in progresses prologue

[DAgent]

So this is the Prologue for my current work in progress, and I'm wondering what everyone thinks of it in general, themes, use of language, layout and so on, and most importantly, would it get anyone who reads it wanting to read more?

There are some elements of violence in this, but I don't believe it to be particular graphic. The first chapter (which is not here) however does feature quite graphic descriptions of repeated violence towards a different character. As such If I was to post that chapter for appraisal I would omit that section.

---

“Hello? Is someone there?” The young girl's voice rang out from the stage as she held her pose, her body illuminated on the stage by the spotlight, blinding her to anyone's presence in the empty hall. The only other sound she’d been able to hear over the music playing over the speaker system was the erry squeak of a door, but strain her eyes as much as she could, she couldn’t see either of the doors, or the glow of the northern lights that would have otherwise been seen through the tall windows of the hall. But then she heard a new, fainter sound accompany the steady beat of the music.
Footsteps.
Behind her.
She didn’t get a chance to turn enough to face the owner of the footsteps, she just felt the sting on the side of her face as something small slammed into her head.
When she came too, she almost thought she was drowning, her head seemed to swim around on it’s own accord like a balloon in the wind. She soon regained enough of her senses to realise she was looking down into darkness, her neck resting on the edge of something rough while the rest of her body was on a cold wooden surface. To one side she was sure she could see the same brilliant white light of the spotlight shining on the stage, but not aiding her in the slightest in making anything out.
She tried to bring her hands up to her shoulders to try to push herself up, but her hands were quickly knocked away by something, maybe a boot, maybe not.
But then something was pressed down hard on her back, pinning her, pushing down ever harder, and before she could even try to fight back or scream or beg to be let go, she felt something slam down hard on top of her head and she felt an almost ecstatic moment of pain.
And the lights went out forever.

 

[worldofmutes]

Hi, I like it. I would read it, although maybe stretch it out just a bit longer.

Also, when you write about women in compromising positions, well, it’s a bit tricky I guess, because she should always have the charisma to defend herself. Otherwise, she seems like a stock character and such and like she’s just written in the manuscript for a cheap thrill.

 

[msstice]

The descriptions are very good and there are excellent ingredients for interiority. I would suggest rewriting with the filter words removed. The Toolbox -- The Important Bits

I do have a question - is this the only scene this character gets? I don't know if I would like it so much if there was no mention of this character again.

The start of a book makes promises to the reader (Reader Trust and Promises). My best guess at this point is that she is the victim of a serial killer and there will be a detective involved and the whole novel will be about bringing her killer to justice.

 

[DAgent]

Hi, I like it. I would read it, although maybe stretch it out just a bit longer.

Also, when you write about women in compromising positions, well, it’s a bit tricky I guess, because she should always have the charisma to defend herself. Otherwise, she seems like a stock character and such and like she’s just written in the manuscript for a cheap thrill.

Yeah, I can see the point about it being tricky. But this is meant to be an opportunistic murder rather than a game of cat and mouse where any victim might have a chance to defend themselves in some way.

I also wanted to keep it short to show just how quick the attack was, but this is a setup for the main events in the rest of the story, which she would be present for in some form.

 

[DAgent]

The descriptions are very good and there are excellent ingredients for interiority. I would suggest rewriting with the filter words removed. The Toolbox -- The Important Bits

I do have a question - is this the only scene this character gets? I don't know if I would like it so much if there was no mention of this character again.

The start of a book makes promises to the reader (Reader Trust and Promises). My best guess at this point is that she is the victim of a serial killer and there will be a detective involved and the whole novel will be about bringing her killer to justice.

Well, there's my word of the day, "interiority" I'd never came across it before, so that's my vocabulary extended a little more

I'll look up the toolbox suggestions in a little bit.

She does show up again, as her death is pivotal to the overall plot as various characters end up putting different clues together. However there is no murder investigation, or rather we don't see any take place. The action will take place decades later in the same building with her death being something of a joke to some people while the official word is that she went missing.

I've deliberately kept a lot of details in the prologue vague as to who she is, where she was killed and so on, but the readers should (hopefully) be able to put two and two together if they read the descriptions of certain rooms.

 

[PadreTX]

I'm guessing she was killed by a guillotine, which the blade would hit her neck.

It is easy and enjoyable to read through. However, if this is a prologue her murder should be mentioned in the first couple of chapters. If not, when I read it, I would ask what's the point of the prologue, then I might think the book is disjointed.

It needs the spaces between the paragraphs. Other than that, your prologue is easy and enjoyable to read through.

 

[dgackst]

I enjoyed the prologue! I really liked the urgency you evoked after your first paragraph. Your short and to-the-point sentences really captured my attention. Same with your descriptions. But the opening paragraph was too wordy to me, like there was too much information put into one sentence, and my brain had a hard time sustaining a clear image of the scene. That changed after the first paragraph though, and I was better able to picture the scene.

I would be interested to read on. Nice work.

 

[Flaviosky]

I enjoyed it. It is has condensed tension that makes me want to read more, although there are things that I think may be put to the test that could increase the amount of tension and anticipation.

in the empty hall.

I think this is a good element to make the reader wonder "What's going on?". I would have avoided mentioning the hall is empty but instead give glimpses to show it is. Show vs tell, but it's a matter of taste really.

Footsteps.
Behind her.

I like this use of space to inspire tension. I use them too.

When she came too, she almost thought she was drowning, her head seemed to swim around on it’s own accord like a balloon in the wind. She soon regained enough of her senses to realise she was looking down into darkness

I may be too picky, but I feel you use "she" too repeatedly in this fragment. I'd find a way to vary, so it looks more fluid.

maybe a boot, maybe not.

I like this ambiguous elements in a context of mistery, but I don't think a supposedly omniscient narrator is the one to suddenly ignore what's going on. I'd try to insert thoughts or dialogue of this girl (she is the POV anyway)

I like it in general, makes me think about a thriller, although maybe you could add some descriptions to place the context somewhere in time, as I don't know if we're placed in the 1950's or even in the future.

 

[DAgent]

I enjoyed it. It is has condensed tension that makes me want to read more, although there are things that I think may be put to the test that could increase the amount of tension and anticipation.


I think this is a good element to make the reader wonder "What's going on?". I would have avoided mentioning the hall is empty but instead give glimpses to show it is. Show vs tell, but it's a matter of taste really.

I like this use of space to inspire tension. I use them too.

I may be too picky, but I feel you use "she" too repeatedly in this fragment. I'd find a way to vary, so it looks more fluid.


I like this ambiguous elements in a context of mistery, but I don't think a supposedly omniscient narrator is the one to suddenly ignore what's going on. I'd try to insert thoughts or dialogue of this girl (she is the POV anyway)

I like it in general, makes me think about a thriller, although maybe you could add some descriptions to place the context somewhere in time, as I don't know if we're placed in the 1950's or even in the future.

Thanks for the feedback, you've raised a few points I'd had concerns about as well, and a couple I'd not noticed, like how much I'd used "she" so much in one sentence, and that following on throughout the rest of the paragraph, but I've no idea (yet) on how to rework that without massively changing all of the text.

I've no idea how to separate the quotes into different sections here so I'll just respond line by line here

I kept everything condensed on purpose to try to keep all the text on one full page, so I was being careful throughout with the word count so that did sacrifice a few things I could describe more vividly. A couple of edits since then and I've gone just over the one page limit I'd set myself as a challenge. The hall being empty being made into a tell statement was one of those sacrifices, and I felt it help speed things up as she knew she should be alone.

The spaces.
I've been experimenting with them a little.
Not as much as I would have liked though
Good to know I'm not the only one that likes that style and method.

I've toyed with rewriting the text after the boot's introduction, but the idea is to show how confused she is after being hit. I've been dazed so much by punches I've taken in the past that in those moments I've lost track of where I was, and even thought that wet feeling on my head was water dripping from a burst pipe. So my aim was to show how dazed she was, unsure of what was what, which is more common than perhaps get's shown in TV and movies. But I have wanted to rewrite that section to be clearer.

As for it's setting, funny you should mention that, because that was a deliberate choice to keep it's time period vague. The rest of the story picks up decades later with other other characters who just have that room in common as a place they've all been and we get introduced to them on similar nights. The idea is to keep people guessing when the murder happened until the characters are able to piece things together, find out what happened and how it all ties together.

Because things only get weirder after this

 

[paranoid marvin]

There is a little repetition of words I would consider leaving out.

For instance you could omit on the stage from this sentence. I would also suggest adding else?

The young girl's voice rang out from the stage as she held her pose, her body illuminated by the spotlight, blinding her to anyone else's presence in the empty hall.

When she came too, she almost thought she was drowning. Perhaps 'felt as though' she were drowning?


her neck resting on the edge of something rough while the rest of her body was on a cold wooden surface. Perhaps 'lay' rather than 'was'?

There are a couple of longer sentences where you may wish to consider semi-colons; but the issue of pacing sentences seems to be entirely subjective these days.

I agree that you could cut down on the number of uses of 'she', but that is an issue you will easily be able to fix. And I would definitely space out your paragraphs.

Overall though, it's a wonderful introduction to your story and I think leaves the reader intrigued as to what might happen next. Which I think is what you were aiming for? So really well done, and good luck with the rest of your story.

 

[paranoid marvin]

Ps considering entering the 75/100/300 word Challenges. They will certainly help when it comes to word count and the effective use of one or two words to replace what might otherwise have been a sentence. It's also greatly rewarding at the end of the month if you get mentions, shortlistings or votes. There is the added benefit that you can ask others to critique your work once the competition has ended.

It can sometimes help to write about things or in a manner which is outside of what you would normally, as it helps to challenge the brain cells to move in different directions.

 

[Bowler1]

I'll go into some detail and then comment for you.

“Hello? Is someone there?” The young girl's voice rang out from the stage as she held her pose, her body illuminated on the stage by the spotlight, blinding her to anyone's presence in the empty hall.
A small bit of repetition of stage, and her question shows that she cannot see anyone, so a repeat again - but try this:
“Hello? Is someone there?” asked the young girl as she held her pose, her body illuminated on stage by the spotlight and the glare blinding her to the empty hall.

The only other sound she’d been able to hear over the music playing over the speaker system was the erry squeak of a door - is it loud music or not, I don't think you should have both.

but strain her eyes as much as she could, she couldn’t see either of the doors, or the glow of the northern lights that would have otherwise been seen through the tall windows of the hall. But then she heard a new, fainter sound accompany the steady beat of the music: Needs to be shorter and have sight or sound, but not both for clarity for me.
but strain her eyes as much as she could, she couldn’t see either of the doors, or the glow of the northern lights that would have otherwise been seen through the tall windows of the hall. - would do me.

Footsteps - not enough description here I'd say.
Behind her.
A creak of a floorboard, close enough to surprise her - or similar from me.

She didn’t get a chance to turn enough to face the owner of the footsteps, she just felt the sting on the side of her face as something small slammed into her head - small and slammed don't go together for me, an odd mix of description.
Shorter to keep the punchy surprise you want - She didn’t get a chance to turn or face the footsteps, when she was slammed from behind.

swim around on it’s own accord like a balloon in the wind - swim and wind, with an added balloon was too much imagery for me.

She soon regained enough - to: slowly coming to, she stared into darkness.

her neck resting on the edge of something rough while the rest of her body was on a cold wooden surface. To one side she was sure she could see the same brilliant white light of the spotlight shining on the stage, but not aiding her in the slightest in making anything out.
I'm not sure of the character placement here to comment.

She tried to bring her hands up to her shoulders to try to push herself up, but her hands were quickly knocked away by something, maybe a boot, maybe not.
No maybe's, keep it hard nosed - if she's been kicked, then stick the boot in.

But then something - vague again, and weakens the drama.

was pressed down hard on her back, pinning her, pushing down ever harder, and before she could even try to fight back or scream or beg to be let go, she felt something slam down hard on top of her head and she felt an almost ecstatic moment of pain.
Too many vague somethings, so I have no real idea what happened.

And the lights went out forever - cool, we have murder to get us started, so in general I would read on.

Too much description with mixed images, less can be more when done right.
I know you are trying to build character confusion into the opening with vague statements, but it was far too vague leaving me at a loss as well, which is not what you want. Clarity for the reader is important, while clarity for the character is not in this case. I think the section needs to be reworked with this in mind, and have clear descriptions for the reader, describing the confusion of the girl and you'll do better in my view.
For me, if you're going to do violence, then you can't be vague as it detracts from the drama and impact.

In the end I have given you a longer review than PM above, but PM is right, you need to keep it tight and to the point with the right word choice. So for me, you need to be tighter and with a focus on clarity so avoid mixed and multiple images, with less vague statements from you the writer as these are not fair on a reader.

Keep at it DAgent, I think you have the makings of a very good opening.

 

[DAgent]

Ps considering entering the 75/100/300 word Challenges. They will certainly help when it comes to word count and the effective use of one or two words to replace what might otherwise have been a sentence. It's also greatly rewarding at the end of the month if you get mentions, shortlistings or votes. There is the added benefit that you can ask others to critique your work once the competition has ended.

It can sometimes help to write about things or in a manner which is outside of what you would normally, as it helps to challenge the brain cells to move in different directions.

I might just have to look into that Thanks for the feedback, it's all been most appreciated. I would have replied sooner but I didn't get any updates that there had been any more replies so I only found these while I was rummaging around.

 

[DAgent]

I'll go into some detail and then comment for you.

“Hello? Is someone there?” The young girl's voice rang out from the stage as she held her pose, her body illuminated on the stage by the spotlight, blinding her to anyone's presence in the empty hall.
A small bit of repetition of stage, and her question shows that she cannot see anyone, so a repeat again - but try this:
“Hello? Is someone there?” asked the young girl as she held her pose, her body illuminated on stage by the spotlight and the glare blinding her to the empty hall.

The only other sound she’d been able to hear over the music playing over the speaker system was the erry squeak of a door - is it loud music or not, I don't think you should have both.

but strain her eyes as much as she could, she couldn’t see either of the doors, or the glow of the northern lights that would have otherwise been seen through the tall windows of the hall. But then she heard a new, fainter sound accompany the steady beat of the music: Needs to be shorter and have sight or sound, but not both for clarity for me.
but strain her eyes as much as she could, she couldn’t see either of the doors, or the glow of the northern lights that would have otherwise been seen through the tall windows of the hall. - would do me.

Footsteps - not enough description here I'd say.
Behind her.
A creak of a floorboard, close enough to surprise her - or similar from me.

She didn’t get a chance to turn enough to face the owner of the footsteps, she just felt the sting on the side of her face as something small slammed into her head - small and slammed don't go together for me, an odd mix of description.
Shorter to keep the punchy surprise you want - She didn’t get a chance to turn or face the footsteps, when she was slammed from behind.

swim around on it’s own accord like a balloon in the wind - swim and wind, with an added balloon was too much imagery for me.

She soon regained enough - to: slowly coming to, she stared into darkness.

her neck resting on the edge of something rough while the rest of her body was on a cold wooden surface. To one side she was sure she could see the same brilliant white light of the spotlight shining on the stage, but not aiding her in the slightest in making anything out.
I'm not sure of the character placement here to comment.

She tried to bring her hands up to her shoulders to try to push herself up, but her hands were quickly knocked away by something, maybe a boot, maybe not.
No maybe's, keep it hard nosed - if she's been kicked, then stick the boot in.

But then something - vague again, and weakens the drama.

was pressed down hard on her back, pinning her, pushing down ever harder, and before she could even try to fight back or scream or beg to be let go, she felt something slam down hard on top of her head and she felt an almost ecstatic moment of pain.
Too many vague somethings, so I have no real idea what happened.

And the lights went out forever - cool, we have murder to get us started, so in general I would read on.

Too much description with mixed images, less can be more when done right.
I know you are trying to build character confusion into the opening with vague statements, but it was far too vague leaving me at a loss as well, which is not what you want. Clarity for the reader is important, while clarity for the character is not in this case. I think the section needs to be reworked with this in mind, and have clear descriptions for the reader, describing the confusion of the girl and you'll do better in my view.
For me, if you're going to do violence, then you can't be vague as it detracts from the drama and impact.

In the end I have given you a longer review than PM above, but PM is right, you need to keep it tight and to the point with the right word choice. So for me, you need to be tighter and with a focus on clarity so avoid mixed and multiple images, with less vague statements from you the writer as these are not fair on a reader.

Keep at it DAgent, I think you have the makings of a very good opening.

Cheers, I'm going to be going over the prologue again and apply a good few things in a little bit of a reworking. The vagueness I've got in there was all intentional to show how the victim was feeling after being struck and left senseless. But I'll certainly be trying to tighten it all up.

 

[DAgent]

Okay, so I've done a bit more editing, and I'm wondering what everyone thinks of this now.

“Hello? Is someone there?” The young girl's voice rang out from the stage as she held her pose, her body illuminated by the spotlight, blinding her to anyone's presence in the supposedly empty hall. The only other sound she’d been able to hear over the music playing on the speaker system was the sudden erry squeak of a door.
Straining her eyes made no difference, both double doors at the hall's far end were invisible, as was the fire exit just to her right. Even the glow of the northern lights that would have otherwise been seen through the tall windows of the hall could not hope to compete.
She shivered briefly, blaming the thin material of her PE kit for not countering the effects of the school turning it’s heating off at night time. But then she heard another, fainter sound almost accompanying the beat of the music.
Footsteps?
Behind her-
She didn’t get a chance to turn enough to face their owner, she just felt the sudden sting on the side of her face as something small slammed into her temple.
She came to, feeling like she was drowning while an unseen pipe dripped red that ran into her eye. Her head seemed to swim around like a balloon tethered to a post almost lost on a breeze. She soon regained enough sense to realise she was gazing downwards into darkness, neck resting on the edge of something rough, while the rest of her lay on a cold smooth surface. Just in the corner of her eye, the same brilliant white light of the spotlight illuminated the stage, not aiding her in the slightest.
She tried to bring her hands up to her shoulders, trying to push herself upright. But they were quickly knocked away by something, maybe a boot, maybe not. Suddenly that same thing was pressed down hard below her neck, pinning her, pushing down ever harder…
She never had a chance to fight back, scream, beg to be let go, something slammed down hard on top of her head as she felt an almost ecstatic moment of pain.
And the lights went out forever.

 

[msstice]

Great work on finishing draft 2!

The second part of the passage read more compellingly to me and I felt it had some powerful phrasings (which I have highlighted). The start was more clunky IMO, due to a mixture of language and long sentences. I feel another editing pass is needed for the first pass.

her body illuminated by the spotlight, blinding her to anyone's presence in the supposedly empty hall.

A bit long, especially as it is just part of an even longer sentence. It breaks the flow.

The only other sound she’d been able to hear over the music playing on the speaker system was the sudden erry squeak of a door.

eerie. Also, a bit long

Even the glow of the northern lights

I doubt Northern Lights are ever so bright you can see them from inside a lighted auditorium.

blaming the thin material of her PE kit for not countering the effects of the school turning it’s heating off at night time

Don't know what PE kit is, probably not worth breaking reader immersion for it. Long, clunky sentence.

She didn’t get a chance to turn enough to face their owner, she just felt the sudden sting on the side of her face as something small slammed into her temple.

Second part is powerful and evocative. First part is clunky.

She came to, feeling like she was drowning while an unseen pipe dripped red that ran into her eye

Powerful imagery. (But I don't read gore, so I'm easy bait)

Her head seemed to swim around like a balloon tethered to a post almost lost on a breeze

Good imagery, but not gruesome enough.

Great work, keep going!

 

[DAgent]

Great work on finishing draft 2!

The second part of the passage read more compellingly to me and I felt it had some powerful phrasings (which I have highlighted). The start was more clunky IMO, due to a mixture of language and long sentences. I feel another editing pass is needed for the first pass.


A bit long, especially as it is just part of an even longer sentence. It breaks the flow.


eerie. Also, a bit long


I doubt Northern Lights are ever so bright you can see them from inside a lighted auditorium.


Don't know what PE kit is, probably not worth breaking reader immersion for it. Long, clunky sentence.


Second part is powerful and evocative. First part is clunky.


Powerful imagery. (But I don't read gore, so I'm easy bait)


Good imagery, but not gruesome enough.

Great work, keep going!

PE is just short for Physical Education, that might just be a term we use in the UK though, but since the tale is set in the UK it just seemed right to use UK terms.

 

[Wayne Mack]

PE is just short for Physical Education, that might just be a term we use in the UK though, but since the tale is set in the UK it just seemed right to use UK terms.

It's not the PE part of 'PE kit' that is unrecognized. PE is understood in the US, but the kit part does not spark any recognition. There is always a trade-off in using colloquialisms and appealing to a more general audience.

 

[DAgent]

It's not the PE part of 'PE kit' that is unrecognized. PE is understood in the US, but the kit part does not spark any recognition. There is always a trade-off in using colloquialisms and appealing to a more general audience.

Interesting, I've ran that by a couple of Americans I know and they understood what a PE kit is without any explanation. To clarify though, PE kit is simply the clothing someone wears while in PE class.

 

[Bowler1]

Much better and a lot more compelling.

A little too much description and placement in places for me, which could have been used the up the character emotion, which is much better this time. I still think this section could be tighter, but I can see the work you've done here.

Use of sting and slam don't gel for me, slam is all that's needed here I think.
Suddenly - always feels like telling to me. Skip telling the reader it's sudden, just do it, and it will be suddenly for the reader.
I also felt you overworked the ending and lost impact. I like to have a build up, but have the actual violence presented quickly, don't hold back on the shock factor for the reader.

Much better, good emotion, but I could still edit out quite a bit of this text. We're a tough bunch to please, but keep going lad, and you're well on your way.